How long should you wait to have sex?

[Moontiger]

I know this question has probably been ask 1,000 times but I wanted to get some opinions on my situation.

 

I meet this guy at a Halloween party and we have gone on two dates so far. He has not pressured me for sex but has made his interest clear. I find him very attractive in many ways not just physically and am interested taking things up a notch in the near future. I don't want to jump into anything to soon nor do I want to wait to long. When we went out on our first date I told him (not this wording) that I do not sleep with someone on the first date. His response was, "You are so much more attractive."

 

Here is some background on me: 1) I haven't dated in two years 2) My last relationship was my first sexual experience; we were together for three years and waited two years to have sex. 3) I do not/will not have sex outside of a committed relationship, which of course after just two dates this is not.

 

One "rule" I have heard is to wait 90 days. The theory is that by that time you know if the guy is serious about you are not.

 

What do people think?

[Capricorn3]

I don't want to jump into anything to soon. I do not/will not have sex outside of a committed relationship, which of course after just two dates this is not.

I think trust your gut and instincts. I feel the same way you do. I don't go by fad "rules", like wait 90 days etc. Trust yourself that you will know and feel when it's right.

[hers]

It's different for everyone. My husband and I waited "a business week" to have sex (ie, 5 days). We gave into urges but it never caused a problem with us.

 

Others I know won't have sex that quickly.

 

You can only do what you feel comfortable with.

[Moontiger]

Thanks for the replies guys. Capricorn, I don't like as you say "fad rules" for the very reason we see in hers post. Each situation is different and depends on the attitudes of the people in the relationship.

 

I'm just nervous because this is the first guy I have been attracted to let alone gone on a date with in two years. I don't want to screw it up by over thinking it.

[hers]

I would argue that over-thinking it woudl affect your relationship more than having sex too early with him.

[Capricorn3]

As to overthinking, I would say that shows doubt. And I usually say, "when in doubt, don't". Which takes me back to trust your own gut instincts - if it doesn't feel right (at this time, then don't). If you feel okay about it in 2 weeks time, then go ahead. Trust yourself. You know what works for you.

[RedDress]

I think this is a good rule

 

I do not/will not have sex outside of a committed relationship, which of course after just two dates this is not.

 

and this is a bad rule

 

One "rule" I have heard is to wait 90 days.

 

The reason why the first rule is good is because it's about comfort levels, not wanting to get attached to someone you aren't in a relationship with, etc.

 

The reason why the second rule is a bad rule is because it's completely arbitrary. Depending on the relationship, depth of conversation, levels of openness, readiness for a relationship, frequency you see each other, etc. you can date two different guys and know one more in one week than you would know the other in 90 days.

 

If you want to wait for a relationship, wait for a relationship. My only advice on that one is that you know you are in a relationship when you each SAY you are in a relationship. Don't assume.

 

As for me? I like to have sex with someone when I can honestly say that even if they don't call me the next day, I will not regret it. It's not something you should do (in my opinion) to "bargain" or try to manipulate a relationship out of someone or because you have expectations as a result. It should be simply because you want to share yourself with them in that way. If you hit the point where you simply want to share yourself with them in that way - no matter if they fall off the earth the next day - that's when I do it. Because I wanted to. That could take 1 date (although it never has), 3 dates, 3 months or a year... depending on the person and the relationship.

[tyr72]

Just wanted to add a male voice of agreement to the excellent responses these ladies have given you. Only when you are comfortable sharing yourself at that level it is the right time - regardless of how many days, months, dates it has been. If you respect yourself and listen to your gut you will rarely go wrong.

[Moontiger]

RedDress, thank you for the response. I agree with what you say about not assuming anything. I would never consider myself to be in a relationship unless the words have been said. Also with the 90 day "rule" you are spot on. I was think something similar but wanted to through it out there to see what other thought. I am someone who get attached easily so I know, for me, I could not have sex outside of a relationship without it being serious number on my emotions.

 

Tyr72, That you for being the male voice here! It sounds like everyone is in agreement on this. I was expecting a lot of different opinions for some reason.

[Miss Kitty]

I think that when you both feel you are ready, then you are. If you want to have sex with him, go ahead. (Although I must say, the whole "You're more attractive for not wanting to have sex with me yet" thing sounds like a line to me.)

[Moontiger]

Hi Miss Kitty, I never really thought of what he said (me being more attractive for wanting to wait) as a line. Hmmm, we were in the middle of a make-out session. He has been very respectful each time I have seen him since then so I think he might actually mean it.

 

We are meeting up tomorrow for another date