JLKLEE Posted November 2, 2011 Share Posted November 2, 2011 On Monday I posted about my boyfriend not really showing any concern about me over the weekend. He would kind of ignore me and say hurtful things and when I was upset, either tell me I am overreacting or that he was "joking". I did not really feel like I was getting any sincere apologies from him so the argument carried over from Sunday into Monday. I ended up going to his house and we talked. I told him that I am SICK TO DEATH of his lying. He will tell me he is home and then I find out he is at the bar. It REALLY hurts our relationship because instead of him being honest with me, he lies, and in turn, I find it hard to believe anything he says, even if he really is telling the truth. Well after our talk Monday night, everything was fine. Fast-forward to last night. I was at work and the chef walks up to me and says "I saw your boyfriend Sunday night". And I said "oh, at the Oxford (his place of employment)?". He says no, out at this bar called Brooklyn Heights. I kinda started laughing like haha, you aren't serious, considering part of the reason we argued on Sunday night was because I walked into his work to see him, expecting him to be dressed out in his manager clothes and instead saw him sitting at the bar dressed in clothes I would consider "going out" clothes. He told me that he was not going out, just hanging out at his work waiting for the bartender to finish up so he could lock up the restaurant. Regardless of what he said, I still felt like he had intended to go out and not tell me, just like he normally does. So anyways, the chef told me that he was not joking, that he saw my boyfriend at the bar and not only was he at the bar but he was sitting at the bar talking to a girl. The chef's girlfriend, who I am good friends with, confirmed the story. Obviously, I am LIVID!!! We had JUST talked about his lying to me. We had JUST talked about me being upset on Sunday night because I thought that he had intentions of going out and not telling me and he was upset because I was over-reacting and making a big deal about something that was not going to happen/he swore he would tell me if he went out. Long story short, I FLIPPED on him (through text). I had SO many thoughts going through my head like "Why didnt he tell me he was there?", "Why was he with the girl?', "Who was the girl?", "Is he cheating on me?", etc (which I feel like is pretty reasonable thoughts for someone in my position. I will admit I said mean things to him like he is a liar and a cheater. Now we are in a position where he tells me that he does not think the relationship is working because we fight yet the ONLY reason we fight is because he LIES. He knows this is the reason we fight, yet he still continues to lie and says that he feels like he can't be honest with me because I will get mad if he is out at the bar. HOW DOES HE KNOW IF I WILL GET MAD IF HE HAS NEVER ONCE BEEN HONEST ABOUT GOING OUT? Ive told him that I will meet him out for drinks as long as it is not the nights where I have to get up early the next day for my internship. Ive tried to be accomodating. I DO NOT KNOW WHAT TO DO ANYMORE!!!! I love him so much. Other than the lies, we have a great relationship. We have a lot in common and we have a great time when we are together. I am SO frustrated beyond belief!!!! Link to comment
camus154 Posted November 2, 2011 Share Posted November 2, 2011 Other than the lies, we have a great relationship. Uh...no, you don't. Ditch him. Link to comment
DylanNotorious Posted November 2, 2011 Share Posted November 2, 2011 Why don't you just break up with him? He doesn't care about lying to your face, so why do put up with it? Link to comment
RedDress Posted November 2, 2011 Share Posted November 2, 2011 Ive told him that I will meet him out for drinks as long as it is not the nights where I have to get up early the next day for my internship. Why can't he go out with his buddies for drinks? Does it have to be with you? Link to comment
JLKLEE Posted November 2, 2011 Author Share Posted November 2, 2011 Why don't you just break up with him? He doesn't care about lying to your face, so why do put up with it? I guess I'm just a gullible person? I think that when he says he is sorry and won't do it again, he wont. And there are long periods of times when he does not do it but obviously it has not stopped. I'm starting to feel like something is wrong with me. I've been with someone for 2 1/2 years, who says he loves me, yet hides part of his life from me. My previous boyfriend of 3 years would break up with me to sleep with other girls, then come back. He would put me down and call me fat or that I have big teeth or a big chin and it really affected my self-esteem. But I wonder if it is something I am doing that keeps a guy from saying "she is a great girl and she deserves the best". Link to comment
JLKLEE Posted November 2, 2011 Author Share Posted November 2, 2011 Why can't he go out with his buddies for drinks? Does it have to be with you? He CAN. I'm not saying at all that he can't go out with his friends. I'm just saying that if he is going to lie because he thinks i'm going to get mad, why not invite me sometimes. I NEVER go out with him. We NEVER go out for drinks. It is always him meeting up with his friends. I'm just saying every once in a while, if he wants me to, I'm fine meeting him out. Link to comment
DylanNotorious Posted November 2, 2011 Share Posted November 2, 2011 If your never hanging out with him, and he's constantly lying - then you need to break up with him. It's just going to do your head in everytime you catch him in a lie. And seriously, people who love their partners don't lie to them over and over and over, they listen to what the other person is saying, and start behaving accordingly. He's not doing any of that. Link to comment
RedDress Posted November 2, 2011 Share Posted November 2, 2011 He CAN. I'm not saying at all that he can't go out with his friends. I'm just saying that if he is going to lie because he thinks i'm going to get mad, why not invite me sometimes. I NEVER go out with him. We NEVER go out for drinks. It is always him meeting up with his friends. I'm just saying every once in a while, if he wants me to, I'm fine meeting him out. Ah. You should definitely break up with him then. If you are not stopping him from going to the bar (either explicitly by saying "no" or implicitly by getting all mad when he DOES go out) - then he has no reason to lie. He is a liar - and worse - his excuses for doing so doesn't add up (which means he's lying on top of the lies). If he doesn't have a valid motive, then that means it's simply a personality trait. If it's a personality trait, you'll never stop him from lying. Get off the crazy train and ditch him. Link to comment
nutbrownhare Posted November 2, 2011 Share Posted November 2, 2011 Saying 'Other than the lies, we have a great relationship' is like saying 'Other than the fact he regularly beats me up, we have a great relationship'. Without trust in a relationship, you've got nothing. He lies compulsively, and then tries to blame you for his own shortcomings. He is absolutely right that the relationship is not working - now you need to believe him, and move on. You can't love someone truly when there's no trust, even though you may experience lust, exasperation, jealousy, longing for something you can't really have and a whole host of other things which can get dressed up as love. Compulsive liars are often very charming people, which is probably what hooked you in the first place and keeps you there now. But you need to remember that you can never really know someone like this - there are too many masks in the way - and the person you're in love with doesn't really exist. He clearly has no intention whatsoever of changing his behaviour; I can understand why you find it frustrating, but you have no ability to make him change his behaviour either. The reality of your situation is that you will be continually having your (accurate) perceptions dismissed, along with your anxieties about whether he is seeing other women (and probably lying to them, too). THIS ISN'T GOING TO CHANGE WHILE YOU'RE WITH THIS GUY, and the more you confront and challenge him about his behaviour, the more he will use your distress to justify it. When you look at a list of the attributes you would desire in a potential partner, does 'untrustworthy', 'antagonistic' and 'hypocritical' feature on that list at all? Link to comment
nutbrownhare Posted November 2, 2011 Share Posted November 2, 2011 But I wonder if it is something I am doing that keeps a guy from saying "she is a great girl and she deserves the best". Not so much something you're doing, but until you believe it yourself (I mean, really believe it in your heart of hearts) that really isn't going to happen. Link to comment
JLKLEE Posted November 2, 2011 Author Share Posted November 2, 2011 Ah. You should definitely break up with him then. If you are not stopping him from going to the bar (either explicitly by saying "no" or implicitly by getting all mad when he DOES go out) - then he has no reason to lie. He is a liar - and worse - his excuses for doing so don't add up (which means he's lying on top of the lies). If he doesn't have a valid motive, then that means it's simply a personality trait. If it's a personality trait, you'll never stop him from lying. Get off the crazy train and ditch him. He says that he lies because he thinks I will get mad. The times I have gotten mad is because (not just with him) I have this thing where I am concerned about my loved ones well being. My grandparents did it with my mom, my mom does it with me. They like to know when I get home safely. I do not ask my boyfriend to send me a text to let me know he gets home because I am checking up on him but just because I love him and it eases my mind to know he is home ok. There have been times when he told me that he was having a beer, then told me that he was going home and would send me a text when he got there. HOURS would go by and I would be up, worried, waiting for a text, wondering if he is home ok. Those are the times I get upset because if you aren't going home and are planning on staying out to drink more, don't tell me that you are going home. JUST BE HONEST. Link to comment
camus154 Posted November 2, 2011 Share Posted November 2, 2011 The times I have gotten mad is because (not just with him) I have this thing where I am concerned about my loved ones well being. My grandparents did it with my mom, my mom does it with me. They like to know when I get home safely. Bah. You're being overbearing. You're not his mother, you're not his grandmother. Any guy would HATE this kind of behavior. Link to comment
JLKLEE Posted November 2, 2011 Author Share Posted November 2, 2011 Bah. You're being overbearing. You're not his mother, you're not his grandmother. Any guy would HATE this kind of behavior. Which is fine. I know everyone has their own way of dealing with things and if he is not ok with sending me a text then he needs to man up and say that. When he tells me that he does not mind sending me a text when he gets home then I think he is ok with it. If he is not, then he needs to state that. Link to comment
mhowe Posted November 2, 2011 Share Posted November 2, 2011 He lies because it is easier for him. He does not want to be accountable to you. You are out of order here with your requests. But, the fact is -- -you can't trust him. Link to comment
camus154 Posted November 2, 2011 Share Posted November 2, 2011 Which is fine. I know everyone has their own way of dealing with things and if he is not ok with sending me a text then he needs to man up and say that. When he tells me that he does not mind sending me a text when he gets home then I think he is ok with it. If he is not, then he needs to state that. Maybe. But you're not off the hook. You need to take responsibility for YOUR actions and quit worrying about HIS. You know he doesn't like this regardless of what he's said because HE DOESN'T DO IT! You will drive any man insane with this kind of behavior. I'd suggest changing it. Link to comment
JLKLEE Posted November 2, 2011 Author Share Posted November 2, 2011 Maybe. But you're not off the hook. You need to take responsibility for YOUR actions and quit worrying about HIS. You know he doesn't like this regardless of what he's said because HE DOESN'T DO IT! You will drive any man insane with this kind of behavior. I'd suggest changing it. Look I am all for changing my behavior. I have NO problem taking constructive criticism and adjusting. But I cannot be the only one adjusting. I am more than willing to admit my faults and discuss what I need to do to change. Link to comment
JLKLEE Posted November 2, 2011 Author Share Posted November 2, 2011 But he also asks me to text him and let him know i get home ok. Isnt that a double standard? Link to comment
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