sexual boundaries?

[redqueen21]

Without going into too much detail, i'd like to see some opinions. If a woman is uncomfortable doing a certain sexual act with her partner, should she just do it anyway because its what her partner really wants, or should she speak up and say no? Recently I've been told that no man these days will tolerate a partner who draws sexual boundaries. I'm not talking about a woman who only wants to do it twice a year, I'm talking about a woman who has tried things like anal, but she then decides that she doesn't want to do it anymore but still wants to strive to have a healthy, fulfilling sex life with her partner.

 

Would you expect your partner to just submit and do it anyway? Or would you want her to be truly comfortable and let it be?

[annony]

To me it really depends on a lot of things. What the act is, the reason for not wanting to do it, the importance of the act to the other partner, and how much doing the act in spite of not wanting to would affect the person.

[agent1607307371]

I don't think you can have a healthy fulfilling sex life while doing things that you don't want to.

[annony]

for example, if my partner wanted me to dress up in a sexy maid outfit, but role playing wasn't something I was in to, I'd do it anyway because it wouldn't hurt me in any way to try it.

If my partner wanted me to participate in a threesome when I was uncomfortable with it I wouldn't because that would cause a lot of social discomfort (while arranging and participating) as well as place a strain on the relationship afterward.

[DrKitten]

You should never do something you're uncomfortable with, especially if your partner isn't respecting your boundaries. I don't know where you heard "that no man these days will tolerate a partner who draws sexual boundaries", but it's an extreme and very inaccurate statement. Sounds like an attempt to justify rape, to be honest.

 

Both partners need to respect each other, and that includes not crossing boundaries.

[Flyingpiglet]

There is a line to be drawn for sure, I would try most things once, but if I was physically uncomfortable then I would expect them to stop and would not do it again...

Like annoy, I would never entertain a threesome but most things between 'us' as a couple, I would try once.

With reference to anal, my last LTR used to ask alot. Until I got the toys out and said If I can stick this up there... You can stick that up there, needless to say he stopped asking

 

Bottom line is... Nobody, male or female should have to do things they are uncomfortable with... I guess this is where sexual compatibility comes into play

[annony]

for a bit more clarity... what I meant was... if my reason for not wanting to do it is that it's just something that I'm not "in to" I'd give it a shot. If my reason for not wanting to do it is that it interferes with my morals, or grosses me out, then it's a no-go.

[Flyingpiglet]

^^same as what she said

[redqueen21]

Totally understand what you're saying annony. Thats what I was getting at too.

 

I'm definitely referring to something that someone considered physically very uncomfortable and afraid to do it again, but their partner kept insisting that the person is over reacting and should just do it anyway.

[dan10]

i think each person has to draw their own line between i'm not into it and i'm uncomfortable with it.

 

people do things they arent into because they care about someone and it makes the other person happy while really not doing anything to the person not into it. when someone is uncomfortable doing something then their partner has to respect that because well... to be honest i think everyone should try things once with their long term SO that they trust. i know its not exactly the same but i kind of feel like it is like taking someone on a roller coaster or through a haunted house. as long as everyone is safe and the person who is comfortable can end it as soon as the uncomfortable person says they need to then i cant see a reason to say no the first time. if you tried it and dont like it say so. but assuming your partner will stop when told i think that everyone should be trying things to make their partner happy even if it makes them uncomfortable because they may like it and if they dont just dont do it again

[testcase]

Without going into too much detail, i'd like to see some opinions. If a woman is uncomfortable doing a certain sexual act with her partner, should she just do it anyway because its what her partner really wants, or should she speak up and say no? Recently I've been told that no man these days will tolerate a partner who draws sexual boundaries. I'm not talking about a woman who only wants to do it twice a year, I'm talking about a woman who has tried things like anal, but she then decides that she doesn't want to do it anymore but still wants to strive to have a healthy, fulfilling sex life with her partner.

 

Would you expect your partner to just submit and do it anyway? Or would you want her to be truly comfortable and let it be?

 

I'd probably let, unless I felt I wasn't having the fulfilling sex life I wanted. Then I'd probably leave and go find it elsewhere. If neither of you want to compromise then neither of you have to. He could find someone who was in to it and you could find someone who didn't want it?

[Lonewing]

Without going into too much detail, i'd like to see some opinions. If a woman is uncomfortable doing a certain sexual act with her partner, should she just do it anyway because its what her partner really wants, or should she speak up and say no? Recently I've been told that no man these days will tolerate a partner who draws sexual boundaries. I'm not talking about a woman who only wants to do it twice a year, I'm talking about a woman who has tried things like anal, but she then decides that she doesn't want to do it anymore but still wants to strive to have a healthy, fulfilling sex life with her partner.

 

Would you expect your partner to just submit and do it anyway? Or would you want her to be truly comfortable and let it be?

 

No man AND no Woman! That's these days!! Sex boundaries had might as well be religious boundaries or political boundaries - they're all uncouth subjects at the dinner table! So you had better be with someone who's tastes run right along the same direction as yours!

 

I honestly feel there are roughly three options in your case. Either you suck it up and do it, you do it but very rarely, or you don't do it at all. Option A is going to be very uncomfortable for you, while option C will leave him entirely unhappy. Option B is halfways, which is likely to be frustrating for BOTH of you!

 

Me personally, I can relate. I absolutely refuse to do anal. I refuse to engage in an act that could and does lead to rather serious injury - even if many people find it pleasureable. If I had a girl in my life who liked anal, we'd have issues. But now, I absolutely love oral - both giving and recieving. So if she did not like oral, we'd have issues. If she was able to compromise anal for oral, we may be able to work things out, but that would mean we'd both have to come to that understanding that we do for each other. And it'd mean we'd both have to find a way to enjoy what we otherwise dislike, because any other way will leave our partners feeling less than fully satisfied. And that's the ultimate goal here, afterall. If she enjoyed everything and left me fully satisfied in every way I desire, then I'd have to be more more than happy to oblige her desires, including her fantasies so long as they aren't anything over the line towards completely ridiculous.

 

Otherwise, there's Option D. As they say, if he doesn't get it at home, he's bound to roam. And while the issues that ultimately separate you may be entirely unrelated to sex, in the end sex is related to everything if you consider "sex" to be everything from the full intercourse act to every little interaction you have with your partner up to the act. It can excaberate the issues quicker. It can lead to premature fracturing of those rosy glasses that perpetuate the honeymoon period.

 

Before you jump all over me for basically asking one to do something against their preference, think good and hard about what you're asking your partner to do. You're asking them to give up something which they may very well particularly like to such a degree that it is simply an insatiable desire. And you're asking them to give it up for as long as they are with you - which may very well be the rest of their lifetime. Just as it isn't fair to be forced into something, I don't think it's fair to be deprived of anything either, particularly if that thing is readily available the world over.

 

Comfort is ultimately a mindset. Either you like something, or you don't - and you can either chose to find a way to enjoy it, or you can just not do it. Sexual disparity ultimate leads to a rather uncomfortable relationship, whether or not you do the act or not. You;re in a relaitonship - either you come to common ground, which is ground both of you share, or you don't. The bigger that common ground, the more stable you'll be.

[Day_Walker]

Every person is going to have their boundaries. Not all sexual acts have to performed. Some things that are fantasies are better left as such. I would think it would be possible to have sexual boundaries and a fulfilling sex life as long as both persons were sexually compatible.

[LDRohnos]

It depends where that line is. If your line is "no touching below the waist" you're going to have some problems meeting men willing to accept those boundaries. If you're boundaries are "no swinging from a bar on the ceiling while upside down in a cage" then you might not have much of a problem.

 

Mileage may very according to person/man.

[redqueen21]

Thanks everyone for the input thus far.

 

so basically, sex can be very important in a relationship, but definitely not the only thing.

 

A question directed more towards the guys - if you had a girl you claimed to love dearly, and you wanted anal sex and she honestly gave it a try with you but found herself not comfortable doing it anymore, is it fair to say she must do it anyway to avoid being broken up with? Why is respecting yourself enough to say "no" when you're uncomfortable suddenly considered not meeting your partner's sexual needs?

 

I feel like, if I were a guy and truly loved a girl, I'd probably say something like "its ok, its your body so its your decision, there are more ways to enjoy each other"

[LDRohnos]

A question directed more towards the guys - if you had a girl you claimed to love dearly, and you wanted anal sex and she honestly gave it a try with you but found herself not comfortable doing it anymore, is it fair to say she must do it anyway to avoid being broken up with? Why is respecting yourself enough to say "no" when you're uncomfortable suddenly considered not meeting your partner's sexual needs?

 

I feel like, if I were a guy and truly loved a girl, I'd probably say something like "its ok, its your body so its your decision, there are more ways to enjoy each other"

 

You're going to get the opinions of 10 (or whatever) different guys with 10 different expectations when it comes to sex. I'm willing to bet most of them don't see anal as a requirement though, or something to break up with over.

 

Personally no, I consider anal as something that would not be a deal breaker for me.

[Snny]

Everyone is going to have different fantasies and fetishes that you're either going to agree with or see them as a major deal breaker. Some might be way out of the "norm," but it shouldn't mean you have to accept or put up with them. Keep that in mind.

[Capricorn3]

I'm definitely referring to something that someone considered physically very uncomfortable and afraid to do it again, but their partner kept insisting that the person is over reacting and should just do it anyway.

If any guy more or less forced me to do certain sex acts which he knew hurt me physically and made me feel uncomfortable, I would pack his bags and kick him out, but that's just me. I would never stay with a guy like that. To me, it all comes down to respect and if he shows total lack of respect, then he's more than welcome to leave.

[Lonewing]

Thanks everyone for the input thus far.

 

so basically, sex can be very important in a relationship, but definitely not the only thing.

 

A question directed more towards the guys - if you had a girl you claimed to love dearly, and you wanted anal sex and she honestly gave it a try with you but found herself not comfortable doing it anymore, is it fair to say she must do it anyway to avoid being broken up with? Why is respecting yourself enough to say "no" when you're uncomfortable suddenly considered not meeting your partner's sexual needs?

 

I feel like, if I were a guy and truly loved a girl, I'd probably say something like "its ok, its your body so its your decision, there are more ways to enjoy each other"

 

But this act, anal, is not important to you. It IS important to him.

 

Sex is very importnat in a relationship, and it can be the only thing necessary to start driving a wedge between you and him.

 

Once you are in a relationship, you are no longer the whole entity that you are alone; you are half of the whole entity. It's considered Not meeting your partner's needs because that is precisely what it is - your partner has a need and you're not fulfilling it. And the only way that need can be filled, for him, is with another partner! YOU Are that Partner - UNLESS you want an open/polyamourous relationship!

 

I do know myself, and if this was oral with me as it is anal with him, then I can tell you that his desire has absolutely nothing to do with how you feel about the act or if you're comfortable with it or not. Just because you don't like it doesn't mean his desire for it will go away. If he knows how it feels and he knows he likes it, there is nothing that will satiate that desire for him EXCEPT anal.

 

I would be saying something more along these lines: "it's ok, it's your body so it's your decision; there are more people you will be happy with, so I'm going to let you go so I can go find that person who's right for me."

 

If you want to keep him, you'll have to find a way to accommodate him. You've done it once, it wasn't so great, so maybe there's things you can do different next time to improve it. Otherwise, he's not satisfied. There's no amount of "turning it off" that will leave him satisfied, either.

 

All in all, I do feel we'll be a wasting each other's time discussing this, so I have a better idea: get in contact with [babymichiru], she's had the full revelation to sexual compatibility. From her history here, she's gone for your position 2-ex's ago to her 2-ex's ago position one ex later and is now entirely paranoid about the sexual compatibility thing. Her viewpoint may be more helpful.

 

We can fight sexual compatibility all night long, but in the end...it's the monster in the closet, the 500 lb gorilla on the bed and the 3 ton elephant in the room. Anyone who says "oh, it's not that important" is likely the person who is completely satisfied in the relationship or is maintaining a personal lie so as to synthesize personal happiness in the relationship. I met a man who's ex-wife told him for years that his small penis was not at all a problem, and then after 20 years he caught her cheating. Why? She had to have what she was missing...and she went and found it. It is what it is...

[Lonewing]

If any guy more or less forced me to do certain sex acts which he knew hurt me physically and made me feel uncomfortable, I would pack his bags and kick him out, but that's just me. I would never stay with a guy like that. To me, it all comes down to respect and if he shows total lack of respect, then he's more than welcome to leave.

 

Respect goes both ways. The most respectful thing you can do when you find out he has such an incompatibility that you are unwilling to fulfill is to indeed pack your bags go. His incompatibility will NEVER go away just because you don't like it. No amount of counseling or readjusting his behavior will make that desire go away, either. You could subject him to all forms of therapy and that desire will STILL be there.

 

So either you fulfill it or you go - or you agree to a relationship that allows him to get what he needs through alternative means, AKA the threesome or the concubine or any other number of ideas we're not used to considering in western culture.

[jennysilver]

don't do anything that you are not comfortable doing. period!

 

however, if your trepidation is b/c you have not tried it, then you can explore a little bit, but do not submit to something that you are not interested in.

 

for me, i am not interested in anal. period. my husband pursued this a little bit early in our relationship and i just said "no". he understood and backed off. and i am willing to try just about anything else!

 

so set your own boundaries and make sure they are respected!

[redqueen21]

Lonewing,

 

I see you're definitely looking at the bigger picture here and its the fact that if its what he wants, its what he wants. The thing is this... when someone's backed into a corner, especially sexually, somehow the person can't help but feel abused. Like the person you love more than anything in the world is saying "Do this for me, even if you bleed and hurt for days afterwards, or else you're not worth my time and love."

 

Do you see where I'm getting at? It basically makes me feel like I, as a human being (not just a sex toy), am not respected and taken care of. I don't want to be having sex with the person I love, trying to enjoy myself, but have this fear that he's about to ask something of me that is going to hurt or make me feel disrespected or feel like I "have to do it, or else". It just feels wrong to me. I love sex and being all kinds of dirty, but if I draw a line, I draw a line. Why does it mean I have to get my heart broken and made feel to be "not sexual enough" or no good in bed?

 

Then again, I am a sensitive female, so sex to me is more about the person I'm with and my feelings for him than what exactly they're doing and how exactly they're doing it.

[Lonewing]

I see precisely what you're getting at, and your concerns are precisely why I refuse to engage in anal. Luckily I never learned enough about it to like it, and holes that are too tight are an issue for me [i tear first] so it's quite simply out of the question!

 

But your guy is different. He's learned to like it. It's possible he may "grow out of it," as some people might say about things they find as such, but I'm looking within myself here and seeing that in the instance of say, oral, I'm NEVER going to grow out of it - either giving Or recieving. And just one is not good enough - my ex LOVED to give and she was spectacular at it, but she hated to receive and that did put a damper in our relationship. So coming from that, I'm not so hopeful you can get him to stop wanting it.

 

And in one way you can say that you as a human being are not being respected or cared for when you do it- but then again, neither is he cared for when you don't do it. Hence why we come back to that crossroad. That line you draw between you and him is more consequential than you might assume at face value - that line either goes around you and him, and you draw it together, or it goes in between you and him, and once it's between you and him, it's a divide.

 

You ARE backed into a corner here - because you don't want to do this. He's always going to want this, I do believe, and as long as this is so, you will never be free of that once in a blue moon "hey, I'd really really love to do anal..." There is this angle where by embracing it, or at least learning to find a way to like it - or finding ways to improve it so you aren't bleeding and hurting for days afterwards, you don't feel so backed into the corner by it. It's when you flat out absolutely don't want to do it that you'll feel backed into the corner. But you'd have to find a way to emotionally enjoy it - which IS asking a lot of yourself.

 

This isn't about time or love - this is about fulfilling needs which can be fulfilled and now widely fulfilled. Now most of the law books still have laws against sodomy [oral or anal of any sort] but I do believe this law is coming to it's end soon - just like how my state has a city where it used to be illegal for women to wear jeans. I sometimes get the feeling that some time ago, there may have been a time where women were so repressed that they weren't allowed to enjoy sex, so even having sex would have been as problematic then as anal is now. But that's only a thought.

 

I'm afraid the real solutions here are to either accommodate it or disassociate from him. There might be things you can do to make it less painful, though I doubt this. You may be able to find a way to improve it to the point where you do get something out of it, but then I've never been in that position so I wouldn't know - I don't take it like that and I don't give it like that either! Losing him may be very painful as well, especially since it's just over sex [sex isn't THAT important...is it? surprise-surprise!]. And you may feel upset or depressed about this inadequacy of yours, but do not despair - there Are guys out there who do NOT want anything to do with anal.

 

You may think you like all things sex and dirty, but if we were to consider the Sex Box of Neopolitan Ice Cream, you like vanilla and I presume strawberry [oral], but you won't touch chocolate. That's not a little bit of the box, that's a whole 1/3rd! And if you're with a guy who's favorite flavor is Rocky Road, you're doomed!! No matter how sweet he is!!

 

It's going to be entirely up to you.

[redqueen21]

Thanks for your reply again lonewing, I definitely understand a lot of what you're saying.

 

It just sucks, because as a woman who really wanted the relationship to work, its a very cold feeling to think that you weren't able to keep your partner pleased in bed. I gave it a try, more than once, and honestly at first I enjoyed it. But then its like he started wanting it more and more and I started getting worried about things. I started resisting when he would keep trying and it eventually just blew up. I told him my concerns and he would just yell at me and say I was being dumb or immature. I swear though, I know our problems go deeper than this. We're broken up anyway (for many reasons), but this is something that just kept bothering me. He has admitted that he needs to be in control and get whatever he wants when exactly he wants it. So sometimes I feel like even IF he would like to meet me halfway, he feels like he won't be content until I at least agree to his "no boundaries" rule. It makes me feel, for lack of better word, abused. If we could have talked it out kindly and he would have nicely insinuated that we find a way to meet each other halfway, and if he would have shown concern for my feelings and supported my concerns, well then it wouldn't be such a problem on my part. Its the feeling backed into a corner and forced to submit "or else" - THAT is what I have a huge problem with. I want to respect myself and my body more than that. I think of how I'd feel if a family member or friend had a relationship with someone who backed them into a corner like that, giving them an ultimatum involving the consequence of a broken heart, and honestly tears come to my eyes. So while I always want to please my partner and do my part, it all has to be done with love, coming from a kind place with support and compassion.

[Capricorn3]

I started resisting when he would keep trying and it eventually just blew up. I told him my concerns and he would just yell at me and say I was being dumb or immature. He has admitted that he needs to be in control and get whatever he wants when exactly he wants it. So sometimes I feel like even IF he would like to meet me halfway, he feels like he won't be content until I at least agree to his "no boundaries" rule. It makes me feel, for lack of better word, abused. .

Sounds like an extremely controlling man who thinks of only his needs. You at least gave it try, not only once, but a few times. Then when you tell him it hurts and you're not comfortable with it, he blows up at you, yells at you and calls you names. Sorry, but this shows total disrespect and yes, it is abusive behaviour (IMO).

 

I would say this is an incompatible relationship and it's best to move on so that both of you can find someone more suitable.