The Ex is getting married

[Helpmetoheal]

I haven't posted here in a long time. Things have actually been going well. You think I'd be happy, but I'm not. I have been broken up with him for 10 months now. No direct contact for 3 months, no contact is impossible because we are neighbours, but I had been dealing. Then wham.... my worst nightmare comes true. The ex is getting married. We were together for 2 years and took things very slow as we had some obstacles to overcome. I am positive that I was a huge part of his recovering and being able to find himself. What I didn't expect is that he would accomplish it and leave me in the process. Apparently he took a family trip the last week of September, went accross the country and met this girl 10 years his junior. He is proposing in November during a return visit. I am not sure if he knows that I know and this is news is breaking my heart. The only positive thing about this is that he will be moving clear accross the country and I won't have to watch this happy life unfold in front of my eyes.

 

I wanted it to be me. Why can't I find my happiness? I have good things happening, I don't know how I am accomplishing it. Its like I'm on auto-pilot. Why can't I see the forest for the trees?? I am looking for some comfort in dealing with these overwhelming feelings. Please don't tell me I should be over these feelings by now, I wish I was!!! Its unbearable and truth be told I am still in love with this man. So many mixed messages floating around, "if you love someone set them free", "never give up on someone you love". I don't know what to do here. :sorrow:

[thelastsong]

I'm right there with you. I found out a few weeks ago that my ex is engaged to the woman he dated before me. It's really, really tough, and some mornings it's hard just to get out of bed.

 

I wish I had some better advice to give you other than "you are not alone." You've just gotta keep moving though and trust that time will eventually heal things.

[LaKings55]

Wow, I'm am always astounded as to how people handle relationships, or how quickly they move from one to the other or jump into marriage. No one takes relationships, marriage, or divorce (except men, we fear divorce like the plague, hence we're wary of commitment) serious anymore. It's ridiculous what's happened to our scruples in today's society.

[redswim30]

I find the above comment rather harsh. I am divorced and I took my marriage very seriously. It was not an easy decision to make.

It's unfair to assume that because someone is divorced that they didn't take things seriously. I am also in the new relationship, but everyone goes at their own pace. Besides, getting divorced or married quickly is nothing unique to today's society, ever hear of Henry the 8th ?

I think the difference today is that people don't feel as strong a need to stay in failing marriage for society's sake, and personally I think that's a good thing.

 

 

But back to the OP- You need to breathe and realize that its okay to have emotions. Just try (and I know it's not easy) to let them bog you down. Focus on yourself instead of him. Surround yourself with people and things that make you happy. You can do it. Letting go can be hard, especially when something catches you unawares. The important thing is to dwell on the positives and try to let go of the negatives. It can be a slow process and that's okay. Try to do or think someone positive every day, and then try to keep expanding that number. It will get better OP, but it has to start with you.

[Live-N-Learn]

I am sorry for what you are going through. That type of information is very difficult to process. How did you find out? You really need to let those that are filling you in on his life to stop. The only real upside to knowing this information is now you have no choice but to give up all hope and get on with your life. It won't be easy but it time you will get over it. hang in there and try not to focus on it and try to stay positive.

 

LNL

[LaKings55]

I find the above comment rather harsh. I am divorced and I took my marriage very seriously. It was not an easy decision to make.

It's unfair to assume that because someone is divorced that they didn't take things seriously. I am also in the new relationship, but everyone goes at their own pace. Besides, getting divorced or married quickly is nothing unique to today's society, ever hear of Henry the 8th ?

I think the difference today is that people don't feel as strong a need to stay in failing marriage for society's sake, and personally I think that's a good thing.

 

A failing marriage is one thing, but far too many people choose to get married for the wrong reasons to begin with. I won't get into a debate here, but using Henry the 8th as an example of someone who completely ran the institution of marriage into the ground? Seriously? Terrible example that is completely unrelated to the circumstances of today. Over 50% of marriages today end in divorce. Now tell me these people didn't take marriage seriously. Too many people do what feels good at a specific moment, with disregard to the consequences. I'm not saying you specifically did that, but far too many others have, and that is what is wrong with today's society. Do what feels good today without any concern for tomorrow. That's fine for certain things, but for marriage, not in my book. At least the current trend is that people are waiting for marriage, being highly selective, and having fewer children. In the future, way may just see the divorce rate drop, but at the moment, too many folks are trying to emulate celebrities.

[LaceWing]

I wanted it to be me. Why can't I find my happiness? I have good things happening, I don't know how I am accomplishing it. Its like I'm on auto-pilot. Why can't I see the forest for the trees?? I am looking for some comfort in dealing with these overwhelming feelings. Please don't tell me I should be over these feelings by now, I wish I was!!! Its unbearable and truth be told I am still in love with this man. So many mixed messages floating around, "if you love someone set them free", "never give up on someone you love". I don't know what to do here.

 

Not a nice position to be in I can imagine.... I guess one way of looking at it is that this could be the final stage now....the final step for you to release him from your heart. Sometimes that final step can be the most painful, as you are truly saying goodbye now.

 

I guess....remember the good things, appreciating what you gained from your time with him. Wish him all the best in your heart, and have positive thoughts for yourself. There are a lot of men out there, and there is going to be someone else who catches your eye, someone whose eye you catch, and then you will love someone new.

 

I'd say also, I agree, that he will be moving will be a good thing. You will finally be able to properly free yourself from the past....as I can imagine is near impossible to do since you are neighbours.

[endy]

I agree, but I think the problem is not just simply the wrong reasons. It's one in particular. The problem lies within what they believe love to be. I think the reason is most people have no idea. They know how to feel it, but then it ends. Love to most people is purely animalistic. It's not unconditional. People crave the animalistic part of love, which is by all means part of love, but it doesn't last. Then they get bored... live by the status quo... find a new partner and do it all over again. That is the problem, and it has been like that for a long time, not just now. It has only got worse and worse as more people believe it to be acceptable.

 

I don't even think marriage is necessary. All it is, is a set of views and beliefs as to what you should be in our collected belief system. We live in a materialistic society, that has no view on us being spiritual beings anymore. I'm not talking about religion. I'm talking about simply realizing what you are, and what you're capable of. That's the main reason people don't understand what love is, and a big part of being able to love the right way is loving yourself first and foremost. The majority of people on this earth do not do that. So what will they have? The status quo or a partner or relationship that is familiar. Then they get sick of it, and get divorced, or find someone else, and it just repeats itself over and over again. Or they sit there and suffer in a relationship for their kids, or for someone else's happiness out of guilt because they are unwilling to learn from experience, or they say they fell out of love. Sorry, but you have no idea or business tossing around the word love if you are unwilling to learn. Plus it is not a very good place to raise children if you don't have true love. Do all of you know how divorce or not having a parent effects children at a young age, or how not having the proper guidance and emotional experience from both a mentally healthy mother and father greatly increases our experiences later in life?

 

 

 

I'm not trying to judge anyone. I believe you need to learn from experience. Especially one that causes a lot of pain and suffering. Examine what lesson is being taught, examine what you need to grow in. Examine deeply why all that pain and suffering is there. We have all been there. We have all used someone for sexual attraction, got addicted to it, got bored with it, the relationship slips... then someone goes and finds it again. That is only part of love. That is why it is so painful when one leaves. We think we love them, but we love their body, how hot they are, we don't love their soul, and half the time we don't even know our own. True love is much, much more than that.

 

How many people do you personally know who are truly madly in love with each other after years of marriage? I'm not talking about sexual attraction as being in love either. I'm talking about seeing a reflection of yourself in another person, and loving them unconditionally. That's the fourth seal of love, and something that is right now usually only reached between a mother birthing a child. OR if you look at the animal kingdom... those creatures that mate for life. We are more like lions.

[LaKings55]

I

I'm not trying to judge anyone. I believe you need to learn from experience. Especially one that causes a lot of pain and suffering. Examine what lesson is being taught, examine what you need to grow in.

 

Totally agree. Pain and mistakes are great ways too learn, as long as you learn the right way. Some people are dumped, suffer through the pain, and emerge wiser, stronger and more determined while others come out angry, bitter and determined to use others. I'm not suggesting that people have changed. Far too many people in the past stayed in loveless marriages out of convenience or the view that "it's the right thing." My only complaint is the view that marriage is taken far too lightly. If you have any doubts at all, then put marriage off. I'll admit I'm passing judgement on the OP's ex for seemingly jumping into marriage. Who knows? Maybe it's meant to be, maybe they'll be together their whole lives. Odds show that it's likely a heat of the moment type deal that won't last. People can do what they want, and far be it from I to say otherwise. I just wish people would stop, think logically and consider the consequences of their impulsive decisions. Of course, that's rarely the case, and I'm just as guilty of giving into what feels good or what I want in the moment without any regard for the fallout. For all my talk, I could be called by an ex next week and then find myself driving to Vegas. Will it happen? Not likely. Could it? Who knows, given the rapid-fire emotions involved.

[tacs1895]

I think this is probably good advice, in what is obviously a very painful situation. On a smaller level, I've just had a similar experience, in that my ex, who I still have to see regularly, has recently got into a new relationship (worse still, with someone who I know too). I'm really uncomfortable with it, for all sorts of reasons. But, in line with what LaceWing said, I've taken a positive from it in that it helps me let go more completely, knowing she's with someone else, even though I don't like it, it's another thing to make me stop holding out for any inkling of false hope. Maybe it can be similar for you, it's not what you want, but it can also be another stage in moving on for you.