Is NC right if your the one that caused the break-up??? Please help!

[highcontrast]

Ive posted a couple of times before about my situation, i thought it would make more sense if a i started a new post as it would be more succinct.

 

Without going into too much detail we met summer 2010 via online dating site, we got on well, but i at the time was taking to an ex-ex who i had hopes of reconciling with (which i know is really bad Anyway that didnt happen so we continued to date and although i liked her i was still upset about the ex-ex, had major ongoing case of GIG's and also had a few reservations about her, including her over-keenness on me, which did put me off, and her naivety (which at the time i foolishly confused for lack of intelligence ). Bizarrely all the things that i thought bugged me then, i now really really miss!

 

If im honest it was a very on/off relationship all the way up to jan 2011, all because of my uncertainty, and cus i wanted to keep my options open too. obviously she wanted a committed relationship whereas i was acting like an idiot an not offering that. i know i really really hurt, and it kills me now that i treated her like that.

 

She put up with my behaviour/lack of commitment for a long time, that’s how much she cared for me i guess. But i guess even she grew tired of my lack of commitment/making effort in the relationship eventually and we just slowly drifted in terms of a "relationship", but we continued to chat as freinds and still got on really really well. And officially became just friends in February (ish). Which i was 'kinda' happy with i guess, as i thought it was only fair on her, as i genuinely didn’t want to keep her hanging on

 

But now in hindsight i realise she was easily the best thing that’s happened to me. And no one has ever cared me like she did .

 

Anyway April this year she told me she seriously started seeing someone else (which was to be expected) and that really made me realise how much i missed her and what a huge mistake id made, so did the classic begging etc, apologising etc. But to no avail..she wanted "to give this guy a chance". I went totally NC. Incidentlly I was a wreck for several months after this.

 

She fed me breadcrumbs 3 weeks later, which i fell for hook line and sinker. This was no doubt a huge ego boost for her. But stupidly i gave her an ultimatum saying if u wanna get together fine otherwise go away - but that backfired! (btw the change in her attitude and the situation in general was staggering, its became a total role reversal)

 

I broke NC on her birthday early Aug, this led to few polite emails being exchanged over next few weeks, until i lost my patience a litlle again. but this time i made a sincere apology about my behavior during our relationship which i guess i never properly did. She replied saying she apprecited my text but that i would meet someone who would make me happy.

 

Beginning of sept 2011, i very stupidly text her to meet as i was in her home town (no reply unsuprisingly ) then i decided even more stupidly to text her "hi" three nights on the trot, almost to kinda her pi$$ her off and to almost tell her her to me get lost, cus i for some foolish reason part of me was thinking i was over her so it didnt matter- in hindsight this was definaltely not true!

 

The same day she blocked me on facebook, even tho were not freinds on there, but there was a pic i was tagged in by her so i could tell, and also if typed her name in the search box

 

i sent another text couple of days, apologising for the text saying they weren’t meant to pi$$ her off, and that i kinda did it for closure. I told her how special i thought she was and how sorry and angry at myself and i was for messing up things. But i ended th text saying “bye”. she replied back saying thanks for the kind messag, but that it wasnt right me continously texting her when shes "seeing someone", and that i would meet someone who would make me happy (something she said a lot after the breakup). She ended her text by saying bye too.

 

Strangely she unblocked me facebook after she sent this message.

 

Buts its now been 7-8weeks since this text exchange, the longest NC between us.

 

Anyway, i personally dont totally believe (hope?) she is with someone as she has been logging onto the dating site fairly recently and fairly regularly.

 

NC has given me a little bit of my confidence back, but fact of the matter is i just still miss her, a lot. And my problem is that i really don’t know if NC is right in my situation or not? I know a certain amount of NC is necessary regardless of any situation, i totally agree with that. Ands its now been been two months. And yes i know NC is for healing (which i do agree with) but fact of the matter is the reason were all on this forum is to reconcile with our exe's!

 

Anyway the question(s) i want to ask is should i still be actively trying? Don’t i have to prove i mean what i say? I know ive been shot down by her several times, but should i in fact be being more persistent? This is what im being told by a female friend anyway.

 

Or should i be waiting for her to contact? (if at all)? I know she really really loved me and cared for me in the beginning. So is it possible she may actually want me to still try? I know maybe she’s totally moved on regardless of her dating situation, but could pride also be a factor. Its one of the reasons i haven’t contacted her since.

 

I feel like im damned if do, damned if i don’t at the minute.

[LDRohnos]

Without going into too much detail we met summer 2010 via online dating site, we got on well, but i at the time was taking to an ex-ex who i had hopes of reconciling with (which i know is really bad S). Anyway that didnt happen so we continued to date and although i liked her i was still upset about the ex-ex, had major ongoing case of GIG's and also had a few reservations about her, including her over-keenness on me, which did put me off, and her naivety (which at the time i foolishly confused for lack of intelligence ). Bizarrely all the things that i thought bugged me then, i now really really miss!

 

Hate to say it but you really screwed the pooch on this one. You weren't over your ex and her "over-keenness" on you wasn't something you wanted from her...you wanted it from her ex. You were not ready to have a relationship with anyone yet and this girl was the one who took the brunt of it.

 

The best recommendation I can give you at this point is if she still wants to even talk to you I would explain exactly what you told us here to her. That you weren't over your ex and that you're so sorry that you couldn't give her what she wanted at the time...yada yada. The ball is completely in her court at that point. I wouldn't push it one bit past that and I'd be prepared for her to not believe you and tell you to move on...or to ignore you.

[LDRohnos]

you wanted it from her ex

 

Sorry meant to say "your ex". Yeah.

[camus154]

Why don't you just leave her alone?

 

You didn't appreciate what you had when you had it, and when someone else got her, that's when you "realized what you had" (translation--you didn't want someone else to enjoy her).

[highcontrast]

Thanks for the replies. LDRohnos - I take full responsibility for what happened and your right I definitely wasn't ready for a relationship when I met her, but I'm kinda glad I did start something with her as I would never have got to know her otherwise.

 

But to be fair those issues I mentioned were more at the beginning of the relationship. I more or less got over my ex-ex. The main issues towards the end of the relationship was my GIGs (a.k.a stupidity!)

 

Camus - What u said was harsh but fair and I can see where your coming from. If I'm honest I probably dont deserve a another chance, I know that. But despite everything we still really got on, even as freinds, and I know that if we were to somehow get back togther I know I would be a totally different person in the relationship it and it could be something really special.

 

Hence me asking for advice in how to best improve my chances of being with her again somehow. But I'm not disagreeing, I was def the bad guy in this whole thing. I totally regret how I acted throughout.

 

We all make mistakes, I definitely did, and I'm paying the price for it now. The ironic thing is I think got hurt 100x more than she did in the end

 

LDRohnos - I'm actually tempted to send her an blank email with a link to this page! lol

[Thorshammer]

Is this your ego talking??? Is your ego the one that is beat down? Guys tend to mix ego and heartbreak pretty easy here.

 

Be her friend, or leave her alone. By being her friend, you maintain contact, and all you can do is wait it out with this dude if it doesnt work out, or try to weasel in her life as a friend in hopes of getting the other guy insecure (thats black-belt stuff right there, I cant teach this to everyone, I need to keep the world safe).

 

She is not buying your love or attempt to get with her, she knows very well its a hit to your ego, and shes thinking its a little too late (by the way, girls in open-relationships, if they are slick, know how to make their men commit, and this is one of them, not saying this is what she is doing though, and it would be stupid if it was). And obviously, she likes the attention, and shes doesnt mind keeping you as an option, i mean you did that to her, the kiddie gloves are off for her now.

[highcontrast]

I've been a little bit suprised by the slightly hostile edge to the remarks, but i know i deserve them, i messed up and ended up really hurting her in the process.

 

Thorshammer you're kinda right, my ego is/was hurt, especially when she told me she had moved on, but i know its much more than my ego/pride taking a hit, because i still feel the same way many months later, but with less anguish/desperation i guess.

 

Thorshammer, I've always been a fan of your posts, you seem to really know what your talking about, so im a tad confused, i thought trying be freinds with your ex was a big no-no? Is this scenario different from a normal ex sitaution? Plus wont she obviously see throough any attempt to be freinds? Mind you, if im honest i'd take being just freinds for now.

 

Im still really intrigued to learn more about what your saying though Thors, did this work for you? (black belt stuff..i like it!)

 

But basically what im trying to do is just establish what will best improve chances - make a concerted effort again i.e. really go all out, break nc with a simple hi msg or continue NC?

 

I do feel that for anything to happen though, i would have to be the one to break contact, as i feel she wouldnt. And the reason im kinda pushing for sooner rather than later is that it 'appears' she may be single again (fingers crossed,touch wood!). i know this would give her all the power back but maybe its a risk worth taking?

[highcontrast]

Sorry to bump, but im seriously im thinking of breaking contact ASAP, and maybe in a slightly 'dramatic' way too! So would love some feedback.

[camus154]

I don't care. Call her up, call her parents up, buy her a new car, whatever. You're going to do what you want anyway, no matter what anyone tells you.

[highcontrast]

I apologise for the impatience/bumping, and my last message probably sounded more a lot more desperate than it really meant to. But camus im a little confused about the hostility in your replies? Honestly im sorry if my original post/other posts have caused some anger, but im genuinely just looking for a sensible, realistic suggestions on what to do. Ive put my hands up that i made a mistake and I just want a chance at reconciliation, thats all.

[camus154]

Don't take it personally. I think I've just been on these forums too much lately. Guess that's a lesson for me.

 

I already gave you my advice. I think you're acting purely out of self-interest, and thus this has absolutely nothing to do with what she wants. She's with someone else and has already told you not to bother her, and here you are now plotting some dramatic way of contacting her again.

 

If you've really changed and you really care about her, you'd leave her alone.

[highcontrast]

camus, you were right, my breaking of NC achieved nothing more than the re-opening of old wounds unfortunately.

[Milsch]

What happened?

 

Your situation is slightly similar to mine. How long were you NC for?

[winniethepooh]

had major ongoing case of GIG's and also had a few reservations about her, including her over-keenness on me, which did put me off, and her naivety (which at the time i foolishly confused for lack of intelligence ). Bizarrely all the things that i thought bugged me then, i now really really miss!

Are you certain these issues are resolved?

 

If im honest it was a very on/off relationship all the way up to jan 2011, all because of my uncertainty, and cus i wanted to keep my options open too. obviously she wanted a committed relationship whereas i was acting like an idiot an not offering that. i know i really really hurt, and it kills me now that i treated her like that.

I don't think you're in a rational position yet to figure out exactly why you had this uncertainty. Sometimes that can take months, or longer to figure out. Are you really ready for a committed relationship? If you say yes, how do you know it's not just pain and guilt talking?

 

But stupidly i gave her an ultimatum saying if u wanna get together fine otherwise go away - but that backfired! (btw the change in her attitude and the situation in general was staggering, its became a total role reversal)

Ultimatums are rarely good ideas in relationships.

 

I broke NC on her birthday early Aug, this led to few polite emails being exchanged over next few weeks, until i lost my patience a litlle again. but this time i made a sincere apology about my behavior during our relationship which i guess i never properly did. She replied saying she apprecited my text but that i would meet someone who would make me happy.

Good that you apologised. Yes, hopefully you will meet someone who makes you happy. Maybe that can be her, maybe not.

 

Anyway the question(s) i want to ask is should i still be actively trying? Don’t i have to prove i mean what i say? I know ive been shot down by her several times, but should i in fact be being more persistent? This is what im being told by a female friend anyway.

Trying to do what? Are you sure you are rational enough to be clear about what you want?

 

Or should i be waiting for her to contact? (if at all)? I know she really really loved me and cared for me in the beginning. So is it possible she may actually want me to still try? I know maybe she’s totally moved on regardless of her dating situation, but could pride also be a factor. Its one of the reasons i haven’t contacted her since.

Who knows. Maybe she doesn't even know.

 

I feel like im damned if do, damned if i don’t at the minute.

Yes. There is no easy way forward from here.

 

Sorry to bump, but im seriously im thinking of breaking contact ASAP, and maybe in a slightly 'dramatic' way too! So would love some feedback.

Don't do anything dramatic. Unless you want to make a movie.

 

We all make mistakes, I definitely did, and I'm paying the price for it now. The ironic thing is I think got hurt 100x more than she did in the end

You don't know that. This is not a competition to see who hurts the most.

 

LDRohnos - I'm actually tempted to send her an blank email with a link to this page! lol

Don't do that.

 

You could try sending her something along these lines. Keep in mind that I am biased as a recent "dumpee" so what I think might work if it was what I received is not necessarily appropriate for you - hopefully a few other posters will tear holes in it before you are tempted to take action. The trouble is if you reconnect now, sounds like you and her are going to have a difficult time communicating because both of you have emotions that are all over the place, so space from each other for a few months might be a good thing too.

 

I know this sounds a bit soft but I don't think you're in a position to be cocky about things. You should probably rewrite it in your own words if you send something. And then leave her alone.

 

Dear xxxx,

 

I know I've hurt you really badly and I'm so sorry for that. If there's any way that I can make that up to you and show you how much I appreciate you, I would like to do that. I would very much like to talk to you about the possibility of working on a committed relationship together. If you would be willing to have a conversation with me about that, how about we meet for a coffee sometime in the next week or two? I'll leave it up to you to choose a date and time so you can have some time to think about things. And please ask if there's any more information you want from me to help you decide.

 

Take care,

HC

[winniethepooh]

And then leave her alone.

I meant leave her alone until/unless she replies. If she doesn't reply within x (you choose) weeks then you can assume it's time to move on and leave her alone for good. You could tell her this but it will come accross as an ultimatum, which is why I'd leave that part out of the letter. You messed up, so you're going to have to cut her a bit of slack.