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Need Help on Cheating and Trust Issue!!!


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I am involved with a man 18 years younger than me. We'll call him Chris. We met almost nine years ago when I was unhappily married and living with another man, although we had separate bedrooms and did not have sex. At the time, I was 49 and he was 31. We fell in love almost immediately and began an affair. We lived over 200 miles apart, so we only saw each other once a month for a weekend or week at a time, with me doing all the traveling.


After one year, we split up and he started seeing another women for a couple months, but we got back together. He constantly pressured me into getting a divorce so we could be together. Due to finances and living in a community property state, this didn't take place for four years. When it happen, my bf moved in but moved out after 3 months because he said he wasn't happy. By the end of that year we were falling apart. In January of 2009, we broke up because of issues with him texting and chatting with other women and lying about it.


He said he wanted to take a break, see and/or sleep with other women and pursue his options. We continued to be friends. I still loved him and we would get together and have sex. He always made sure to tell me that he still did not want to get back together. This went on for almost two years. He said he no longer loved me in the same way and we should both move on. It was also during this time that I found out he had been texting and talking on the phone with several women dozens of times each day for the past couple years, so I was ready to throw in the towel, regardless of how much I loved him.


I reconnected with an old boyfriend/friend (we'll call him Wally) from my past almost 20 years ago during this. We became platonic friends (emails, phone calls and a few outings this summer. He was a good support system and great friend. He informed me right off the bat that while he cared about me as a friend, he had no interest in resuming our old relationship. That was fine by me. I was broken hearted and he helped me get through it. Suddenly, out of the blue I get a text message from Chris telling me he was a lousy boyfriend and bad person and wanted to make amends by confessing.


He said he lied to constantly when we were together and slept with four other women (with protection & all in one month) when he and I were together. I was devastated. In the past couple of months, he's been trying to win me back. He was in car accident many years before he met me and suffered from traumatic head injury. Some of the results are bad memory and impulsive tendencies. He now states he loves me and only me and was pushing me away because of the guilt he felt about cheating. He is very loving, attentive and everything I wanted him to be in the past and more.


My concerns are he wants me to end my friendship with Wally. He feels that sense I never wanted him texting with other women, I shouldn't have an opposite-sex friend either. I feel that the difference is his "friendships" were picked up during our relationship and kept a secret from me, while my friendship with Wally was started when Chris and I were not together and I never kept it a secret. My second big concern is his cheating.


He and his psychologist claim it was from his head injury and impulsive disorder and that he will never put himself in a situation where that could happen again and that he never wants to lose me again. I'm scared… One of the women he cheated with he continued to communicate with for the next three years. He's not now, but I'm just unsure if I should trust him. He wants to move right in and I want to take my time. He's getting frustrated and feels I only want to wait to see if Wally will change his mind.. I love Chris, but I want to be sure.. Any advice?

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I call BS on Chris and his psychologist. He is simply an untrustworthy cad who wants his cake and eat it too. There is NO similarity between his behaviour and you and Wally.


That being said, I wouldn't hang my hat on Wally wanting anything more than a friend.


Do not take Chris back. If you feel compelled to date him (and remember, past behavior is the best predictor of future behavior), under no circumstances should he move in right away. He needs to earn your trust and respect. Who give a crap that he is frustrated?

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Throughout your 9 year relationship, he seemed to constantly have one foot out the door. You were invested and madly in love, he was just "eh". I wouldn't trust him at all. He may have regrets, but him trying to pull you away from a platonic friend is unhealthy, and a red flag. You became friends when the two of you were not together. Also, who's to say that once "wally" is out of the picture, that Chris won't loose interest. It seems Chris only wants you now because another man has captured your heart, even if it's only as a friend.

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Even if he had this "impulse disorder" I'd be wondering why he didn't "impulsively" tell you about it when it was happening, or shortly thereafter.


One of the women he cheated with he continued to communicate with for the next three years. He's not now, but I'm just unsure if I should trust him.


And that takes more than impulse. Three years of communication is not an impulse. Neither is constant lying.


You seem to have a good friend in Wally - but nothing more than that. As for Chris - if he's turned over such a new leaf, I'd let him go to try to prove it to someone he hasn't already trampled all over emotionally - I doubt you'll be able to trust him after your history, and that will taint anything between you.


It also seems he's developing the same thing my ex did - looking for signs of cheating in you to justify his behavior. When you haven't done anything wrong, this can SEVERELY hurt a relationship, you're constantly under the microscope, with no reason for it.

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He's almost 2 decades younger, he cheated on you repeatedly and lied about it, you tried living together and it only lasted a couple of months before it fell apart, and you were with him while still married to another man. He says he pulled away from you because.. let me get this straight.. the "guilt he felt from repeatedly cheating on you". He's creative if nothing else.


Given the history I don't see a future.


Have you met the psychologist? If not, try this. Tell him you'd like to visit his shrink with him for one visit before going further. Let us know what he says about that idea.

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