Dating married man

[Rockymountainhigh]

I've been dating a married man for abot the last six months. I really like him a lot. He's separated, not really married. We know each other from work (he used to work at the same place at me). We got together about a month after he moved out of his house. He still spends a lot of time at his ex-wife's house. he has a little boy with her that he visits, and all of his stuff (except his clothes) is still at her house. Does anyone has any advice for me? I really like him and I want to get more serious with him.

[upstatemedic]

Before you get any more serious with him, why try to find out how serious he is about you? If he really wants to make a relationship work with you, then maybe he'd be willing to go through with a formal divorce from his wife and make more formal living arrangments.

 

That might be a good litmus test for the relationship, to see if you're both on the same page about where it's going.

[Rockymountainhigh]

I don't even want to bring up divorce with him. I've been good at letting things be low pressure. He seems to like that better. I asked him if he wanted to live together (he lives with another one of our ex-co workers) really just to save money and he still hasn't decided. We are together all the tiem for dinner and breakfast and at night.

[upstatemedic]

Well, just make sure that you and he don't get different ideas as to where the relationship is going. If he's going to be non-committal, then you need to put the brakes on getting more serious with him. Sure, grow together, but if he won't respond to gentle prodding, don't push hard!

 

Good luck!

[Rockymountainhigh]

I told my mom about him, I just didnt tell her that he was still married. just that he had broeken up with someone recently and she said not to put any pressure on him aat all. just enjoy what he had to offer and that would win him over. But it's true, I don't feel like we're really moving forward after six months, and he's more firm than he was in the beginning about family time. At first it was 3 nights a week and now it's that plus sat. during the day and sometimes even sunday breakfasts (fine by me - I'm slepping in after my sat. night)

 

He told me he thinks I drink too much. Mayby that's what is keeping us from getting closer.

[PAdreamer]

There are a lot of things to consider in this situation. Why are they separated in the first place? If he's ready to see other people, why aren't they going for a formal divorce? Why is he with you? Why is his stuff still at his wife's house if he has his own place?

 

These are all questions that I think you ought to get answers to before you get serious with this guy. I know you don't want to push, but you still need to feel comfortable communicating and these are things that you have a right to know if you're going to be in this relationship.

[Amethyst]

All I'm going to say is this: He's MARRIED. You can sugarcoat it all you want by talking about his separation; but, the truth is, he still has a wife. The fact he hasn't divorced her speaks volumes.

[Rockymountainhigh]

It takes time for people to get divorced. I think he's getting his life back together first. Besides, if he liked her, he would be with her.

[Amethyst]

Yes, divorce takes time. However, if no one files for it, it will never become final. The sooner someone files, the sooner it's over and done.

 

Besides, if he liked her, he would be with her.

 

That's EXACTLY my point. If he didn't want to be with her, he'd move his stuff out, get a divorce, and get as far away from her as he could. (Of course, she will always be part of his life because of the child, but his contact with her could be minimal.)

 

Actions speak louder than words, so let's look at his actions (or lack thereof), shall we?

 

(Lack of) Action: He is NOT getting a divorce

(Lack of) Action: He is NOT moving his things out

(Lack of) Action: He is NOT giving up very much personal time with his wife. (Sure, he's moved himself and his clothes out, but he goes to see her each time he needs something else.)

 

My best advice to you is to back off while he's still married. You're convinced he's going to get that divorce eventually, so it shouldn't be too big a deal to wait.

 

One thing to keep in mind, however: a period of separation does not always go hand in hand with divorce. Sometimes, it's used to work things out so the marriage can be salvaged.

[Rockymountainhigh]

What exactly do you mean when you said that a seperation can used to salvage the marriage?

[Amethyst]

Sometimes, couples use a separation to work things out.

 

Here's an example:

 

(Disclaimer: I have no idea of the facts surrounding this guy's separation. Many scenarios could fit, so I'm just pulling one out of the air.)

 

Wife realizes marriage to Husband has lost its luster. He no longer romances her and always takes her for granted. Wife goes out and finds a man who WILL romance her. He sweeps her off her feet and she sleeps with him. It only happens one time, and she knows it was a mistake. In time, however, Husband finds out. Wife's betrayal causes him to feel rejection, anger, and pain. Husband can't even look at Wife without imagining her with the other man, so he moves out. They are separated for a few months; and, each day, Husband's pain grows dimmer. Eventually, it fades so much that he realizes he still loves Wife. Husband has a long chat with teary-eyed and remorseful Wife. He decides he can't live without her and believes that, together, they can overcome the obstacles of the past. He moves back in and they live happily ever after (more or less).

 

My point is that, often times, abscence really DOES make the heart grow fonder. Many couples separate for one reason or another only to work things out because they realize how much they love each other. They often just need space to see things more clearly and get a better picture of reality. I've known two real-life couples who have been separated at one time but are now happily married.

[PAdreamer]

It is very true... These are called "Trial seperations" and they happen all the time.

 

And a good point was made: If he didn;t want to be with her, he would not still have her this actively in his life.

[mahlina]

I agree with all of the other posters. Based on experience, my friends and I have our share of encounters with the married men. My friend went through with exactly what you're going through. Says he's 'in the process' of divorce. They end up hooking up, and then he dumps her. Turns out, he didn't end up divorcing his wife. I warned my friend, but she didn't want to take my advice. At least she learned, I hope.

 

In my case, I realized things ahead of time, and prevented anything from happening. What I learned from that experience is: don't believe what person tells you, unless if their actions speak louder than words. A person can tell you anything that you want to hear, as way way to sugarcoat their behavior. Once they convince you that things are innocent, that's when things get nasty and uglier. Every inch that they get, they will use it to their advantage. thereforeeee, play it safe: avoid getting too close to married men in general. In my case, especially if they're offering 'friendships' just as some kind of emotional support. Or in my friend's case, 'claiming' to be in the process of divorce, but are still living with their wives. These are just some of the obvious warning signs.

 

My last and final word, think about the potential dangers. I doubt that a married man would just want to leave his wife so easily. I think that some married men (not all okay), like the thrill of assuming that other women find them sexually attractive. (I know temptation exists, but as humans, I think that people should be abe to 'control' their urges.) Basically, keep things clean in your life. You don't want to get mixed up in anything that's potentially messy.

 

Last thing: I asked my friend a series of questions when she went through what you're going through. Maybe you can ask yourself as well, "How do you know if he's just telling you that they supposedly have problems, but in the end, they're happily married? He has kids for goodness sakes! What makes you think that he's willing to forfit his child's needs for some kind of side fling? How do you know that he's not just lying to get you in bed? Look at his actions ______(her name)." I repeatedly told her this over and over. She didn't take my word for it, until he broke her heart.

 

Basic life philsophy: Keep things in life simple. When something sounds too good to be true, then be careful. You'd rather live life knowing that you lived it to its fullest with good intentions, rather than getting involved in something that you knew that you could've prevented ahead of time. Don't do anything that you will regret. Keep your life pure. That's how you will find truth and happiness. Cherish what you have now, because that inner peace may be gone tomorrow. Take care.-Mahlina

 

P.S.- I also try to learn from other people's mistakes. My friend's life basically went to hell after this incident happened. It just seems as though she's constantly looking for a 'quick fix.' I wish she didn't complicate her life by getting involved with that guy. So please try to take our advices into consideration okay? We only add our input because we care.

[Rockymountainhigh]

Well, he is pretty straight forward with me. says he can't get into a serious relationship yet. But we've talked about getting our own place together - I told him that my lease was up in November and he said maybe we can look for a place together. I was so siked. We pretty much live together now. We took his little boy to the park on Friday and that was fun. We went away this weekend, it was kind of a bummer because we went to a b&b to try to stay over but it was already full and we ended up getting a flat tire while we were looking for another place. I went to go get a jack and when I came back he was on the phone (cell) and I checked his phone secretly he had been on the phone with his ex for like 6 minits. So of course I couldn't say anything because what I did was wrong and for all I know he was talking to the little boy, but it kinda bugged me.

[Mermaid]

Tread lightly. The guy's only separated, not divorced, and could patch things up with his wife at any time (especially because there's a young child involved, and your guy is obviously intent on making his son a priority--as he should). And if he doesn't get back together with her, you may be a rebound girlfriend. Don't get emotionally invested yet, at least not until much more time has gone by and you have a solid understanding of what he's looking for.

 

And don't move in together! The last thing you'd need is to be stuck with an apartment you can't afford on one salary.

 

Just my two cents.

[Rockymountainhigh]

My bf tells me all the time how much nicer I am than his ex, and how I appreciate him like she never did. He said that when she kicked him out, he decided he never wanted to be with her anymore - and that's when he called me. And that's been for the last 6 months. I think those actions speak louder than words. I always encourage him to see his little boy. If anything he spends more time over there now than he did in the beginning, but he keeps a pretty strict schedule so that I know exactly when we can hang out, it works out fine for me because I like late nites. He seems happier now than when we first met so I'd liek to think that I've been good for him.

 

OUr sex is not the greatest though. I think a lot of men have been threatened by the way I look (I used to play women's rugby and am very built). I don't know if that is a factor. But I'm superattracted to him and he always tell me he likes the fact that I am always ready for sex and want to do whatever he wants to do.

[Amethyst]

It seems obvious that you've made up your mind; so, rather than beat a dead horse, this is my last post on the subject. I'll leave you with this thought:

 

My bf tells me all the time how much nicer I am than his ex, and how I appreciate him like she never did. He said that when she kicked him out, he decided he never wanted to be with her anymore - and that's when he called me. And that's been for the last 6 months. I think those actions speak louder than words.

 

Out of that entire paragraph, I see only ONE *action*: He called you. The other things you list (telling you you're nicer than she is, he appreciates you, saying he doesn't want to be with her) are all *words*.

 

Now, go back and re-read my next to last post to you. I gave you THREE actions that state his heart is with his wife (his not divorcing her, his leaving his things at her house, and his spending a lot of time with her).

 

I went back and re-read this entire thread. Everyone on this board has told you that you need to at least back off until they actually get divorced. Everyone on this board has told you to guard your heart and not get any closer to him until then. Everyone on this board has said moving in with him now is a bad idea.

 

Ask yourself one question: How can you be sure *everyone* is wrong except you?

[Rockymountainhigh]

I never said everyone here was wrong. You all might be right, but I hope you're not. All I meant was the fact that we are still together also speaks for itself, it's been six months now.

[Rockymountainhigh]

Well, it seems like we are inching towards commitment. We've been talking about how my lease is up in January and we've talked about looking for a bigger place together. He still says he's confused and has no idea of where his life is going but that he would be intrested.

[Amethyst]

I'm making one more post only to reitterate that you should NOT move in with a man who is still MARRIED to someone else. You better make sure he gets that divorce before you become his live-in lover.

[Mermaid]

Good luck, but I still stand with my original post(s) and everyone else who has warned against this.

 

And, no offense, but I don't think you really came here looking for advice... because you argued against all of it. You wanted us to tell you what you wanted to hear, and no one here has been willing to do that.

 

So, as I said, good luck--I hope, for your sake, that it works out. But, if it fails, don't say you weren't warned!

 

 

[Mun]

Well, it seems like we are inching towards commitment. We've been talking about how my lease is up in January and we've talked about looking for a bigger place together. He still says he's confused and has no idea of where his life is going but that he would be intrested.

 

Hi Rockymountainhigh,

I do hope that you get what you want with this man. I can only say that if you make it easy for him you may not get everything you want. Some people tend to think, why rock the boat? Why fix it if it ain't broke.

 

He already has a girlfriend, lover and what has he invested into it? Like you said there is no committment yet--he is still married. That to me would send a big red flag up that reads : He can walk away and back to his wife at any time. Worst case that he would tell you the old "you knew I was married" if he does.

 

You must be afraid and unhappy with this situation or you would not be posting. Am I right? Look the best way to get what you want, and I'm assuming you also want respect to go along with that long awaited committment, is to hold your ground.

 

You don't have to force it out of him but you do have to let him know that you will not continue with him until he divorces. This is the one true way to know that he is serious about you--he follows through with actions what he says with words.

 

If you are happy being with him and him still being married to someone else then what does that say about your dignity? If you are afraid to bring up the subject of divorce, then what does that say about your relationship?

 

I wish you the best. truly

[mahlina]

Yes, I agree with Muneca and the rest of the other posters. You see, eveyrthing may seem sweet and sugary at first, but that's the 'trap' girlfriend. I'd avoid getting involved with the whole 'married man' bit deal. There are lots of twisted things that happen in life You don't want to end up being caught in one of those Scott & Lacy Peterson stories, do you? (Or even those young ladies murdered and thrown in the trunk of their cars, just because they got mixed up with the 'wrong' men who claimed to be sincere.). Lots of people are 'sick' in life. When I say 'sick', I mean it! You will never know what to expect in people. I can only say this after witnessing a few traumatic experiences at a young age.

 

Even a simple friendly gesture from a married man could be dangerous when it comes to him even trying to 'befriend' you. There was a married man who once tried doing the same thing to me. But you know what? I realized things ahead of time. I saw his tricks. I knew his games. So I avoided everything in general. What this man has already gotten out of you is 'sex.' What makes you think that he'll stick around to take care of you later on? Let alone, have thoughts of marrying you? What I see is, this guy's clearly a 'Player.' Sure, it's nice to buy into his sweet words at first, but it's all SWEET TALK. Do not buy into what he says. Once he's gotten his needs met from you, he can always point fingers, and in the end, blame things on you. He'll probably make it seem as though you're the 'evil mistress'/home-wrecker. Realize how 2-faced and pretentious people like him can be.

 

If anything, how do you know if the relationship that you guys have isn't just a rebound? I understand where you're coming from, because one of my girlfriends went through the 'same' exact thing that you're going through. But the entire time, she was in 'self-denial' thinking that this man will love her back. Well you know what? In the end, what it all boils down to is 'sincerity.' If this guy's still living with his wife, calling you, sleeping with you, then do you think he's sincere? Think about it. Think of it in terms of if you were in his wife's shoes. Now that you've given it much thought, think of how 'sincere' he is. Think about his intentions. His actions just say a lot about his character. If you sum everything up, his actions just don't sound sincere, but rather 'selfish.' He's only thinking about himself, not thinking about you, his kid(s), or his wife. I don't see a person like this seriously loving anyone else but himself.

 

Just remember, there are lots of twisted things that happen in this world. You should best make an effort to protect yourself if anything bad should ever happen to you. Just be careful. You don't want to end up with a heart broken. Or in the worst case scenario, you don't want to get involved into as being a victim of a homicide situation. I know that's way to the extreme. But sometimes, you just have to think of the 'extremes' of any situation in order to better prepare yourself before anything worse occurs.

 

Try to keep your life simple, and not get involved in situations that might make your life worse. The fact that you've come to ask us shows that you somehow feel as though something's not right. We only give advice to you because we care. Not too many people will take their time out to give you their honest opinion. So truly, please listen to what doesn't feel right.

 

Best of Luck to you...-Mahlina

[pineapplegirl]

I've been there... I recently ended a relationship with a man that was married. I was with him for over 3 years. Does the wife know that he's dating? Or, is that a secret? I can't say that I regret being with him, we had a lot in common and I loved him more than I can say. But, my relationship was a BIG SECRET because his divorce wasn't finalized. All said and done, I would do it all over again, but just a little differently.

[pineapplegirl]

Maybe what's keeping you from being together is his marriage. It's going to be hard for you to esacape how you feel for him. And, maybe you won't. If you are really in love with him, nothing that anyone says will really make a difference...Trust me, I know. But, the one thing I try to repeat to myself is that I've got to be worth more than just being second choice. Sometimes that's why I find myself in bad situations(see my posting), but, I wonder to myself why I don't feel I deserve my OWN partner, instead of someone else's husband/boyfriend. PM me if you want to talk more. In the meantime, enjoy your time with the guy. I don't know how good that advice is, but I know that if you don't you'll end up kicking yourself and wondering about "what could've happened..."