When Dumpers move on to new person - really over the ex?

[herewegoagain]

some of you know my story - my gf, instead of wanting to work on things, left for another guy. I know in MY mind I have to get over her (very hard to do), but I was just talking to some friends about the subject of - Is someone REALLY over his/her ex when they dump you and immediately "fall" for someone else? Can they really just turn off the switch?

 

To answer my own question as in my situation - the answer is DEFINITELY YES. I see my ex out at the bars a lot with her new man, and they sure do seem close. I guess this is almost good for me to see because it will force me to move on a little quicker.

 

I just wondered if any others had an answer to my question.

[the_tiger_striped_cat]

I answer DEFINITELY NO, or mabye a better answer is, NOT ALWAYS. If you have a 10 year connect, no way are you going to lose your feelings for them that fast. If you were only together for a month you don't have as much as an emotional connection.

 

Do you believe that people can love two people at once? Many, many times people truly have to get over someone before moving on to someone else. Sure they say, "the only cure for a woman is another woman." So you probably need another woman to move on, BUT it also takes the right woman and lots of time. Sometimes people will leave something better to try "one last time" with an ex (take my case). In my case my ex went back to her ex. I have enough evidence that she still had feelings for me even though she was with him that it would probably hold up in court. But she still had feelings for him, she knew him 4 years to my one and dated him for a year and broke up twice and only dated me 4.5 months before he came begging for her back. Compound this with the fact that he was her "first love" and there's pretty much nothing I could of done. The only way I would get a second chance is if he blows it or after a long time she realizes a few things. But if getting over an ex was that easy we wouldn't have phrases (which you can search google for):

 

"back to my ex"

"rebound relationship"

"one last chance with him"

"both dated in the interm"

 

So no it's not that easy. Depending on how much of an emotional attachment she has with you I'm sure she still thinks about you. That doesn't mean you will get back together, but then again, it doesn't mean you wont. One of the ultimate brute fact excuses that the optimists will always have over the pessimists on here--and which the pessimists have little reply are the phrases

 

"after enough time"

AND

"feelings change"

 

good luck.

[herewegoagain]

Tiger - very good post.

 

When you were dating your ex, could you see any signs that she still liked her ex? And you said she took him backed after HE begged her? Wow, that is kind of unusual - because usually, the dumper will try to contact the ex that they dumped if/when they want to reconcile.

 

Thanks for your insight!!

[cassiana]

If someone had a strong relationship with someone they might dump them for the wrong reasons. There are distinct phases in relationships, the two most exciting and adrenalin fuelled are the chase and the early honeymoon phase. Some people crave these phases and will constantly move around from partner to partner to get them. These people are a waste of time. Others, generally the insecure, immature or inexperienced will expect a relationship to be like this constantly and will think its over when that phase has ended. My third group just fear the next more committed step. Groups two and three may move elsewhere, but as their problem is their attitude towards relationships rather than your relationship, and unless they are very very lucky (and you conversely are very very unlucky) they are highly unlikely to have found snother good relationship. So if you limit your contact, let go of resenment and get on with your life, even date yourself, there is a possibility they will remember how great you are and come back.

[the_tiger_striped_cat]

I'm sorta giving you what you want to hear herewegoagain. But it's the truth. Now it is a little different in our cases. My ex had a long history with her ex and lots going on. But I don't know how long she was with you.

 

But to answer your question, no I don't think that there was much evidence taht she still thought about him. They talked sometimes, and hindsight had me recall these times. But she was VERY happy to be with me for the bulk of our relationship. But she was lying to herself in many ways. She told me she gave me a "chance" and she told me 95% chance she would stay with me when she went to go visit him before we broke up(I'm stuipd I know.) She obviously did think about her first love that broke up twice with that she knew for 3-4 years.

 

But I do have evidence that she did think about me too. Now they argued a lot, so I don't know if that had anything to do about it. But she would call me, call him, talk to him for 4 minutes, and then when I would call she would get off the phone with him to talk to me for 71 minutes. She would hope for my emails after the days I saw her, she would leave blank messages on my voicemail, she would smile at the fact that I loved her so much. (By the way don't ask me how I know these things .

 

So women are one of the most complicated species (yes, species They can be torn between two people, they can proclaim love when they don't know what love is, they can feel an obligation to a past love (this opinion coming from a woman.)

 

Now in your case, I really don't know. I'm almost certain she thinks about you. And there is a chance this guy is a rebound relationship. Now I don't know anything about yoru story. I want you to also recognize the other side of the story. Mabye she found you boring and really wanted someone else.

 

Now is the time to put a mirror in front of you. You have within yourself to make her choice to leave you be the worst choice of her life. There is a class of woman out there that you could spend yoru life with, maybe yoru ex fits in that class. So time to become that girl's dream man. Groom yourself to be the alpha male, either your ex will see those changes someday, be pleasantly surprised, or you'll be primed for another girl of that class.

 

Good luck bud, I'm sure she still thinks about you. You NEVER forget about an ex, no matter what.

[chai714]

Can they really just turn off the switch?

 

It depends on the length of the relationship and the intensity. After 1 month, sure it's very possible to "turn off the switch." After 3 years, I would like to think not. Love is a tricky business though, because you never know when the other person might jump ship.

[herewegoagain]

chai714 - i tend to agree with your statement on how someone can't just turn off a switch after 3 years or so. But my gf left me for someone else after 4 1/2 years. I think she was already seeing him while we were still together. Anyway, I guess she got bored with me.

[Jerhico]

Speaking from the perspective of the guy who is with a woman who dumped her ex of 10 years, I do have a bit of insight, though your mileage may vary...Everyone is different, and every relationship is different.

 

My girlfriend was married to a military man and had three children with him. Their relationship was very troubled on the inside, but outwardly, friends and family alike thought they were the textbook marriage.

 

Essentially, the guy was constantly deployed. She talked to him about getting out of the service on a number of occasions, citing the eroding marriage, but he felt the relationship could survive the deployments long enough for him to finish his 20 years.

 

When they were home, all they did was game. They played online games to the exclusion of just about everything else. Sexually, they were constantly in conflict. In other words, he always wanted it and she didn't. Libido disparity, I think it's called.

 

Finally, after learning that he'd reenlisted for another six years despite her urging him to look at alternate employment, she decided to end the marriage.

 

Pretty cut and dried on the surface, no matter whose morality you subscribe to. For her, having a stable life was more important than the marriage, and for him, having a career he enjoyed was more important.

 

After she and I got together, I began to pay attention to her relationship with her ex. During the first few months, she seemed like she was happy to be rid of him, and didn't even want to discuss him. I did notice, however, that when she talked to the kids on the phone while they were with their father, she always spent as much time talking to him as she did to children. Warning flag #1. Since she or he talked to the kids nearly every day on the phone, the net result was that they were spending upwards of four hours a week on the phone with one another.

 

Then she began to talk bitterly about how he hadn't made more effort to hold on to her. Warning flag #2. She seemed angry that he was moving on without making a better effort at getting her back. By itself, one might consider this to be the natural response to pride being bruised. It's hard to step back and see the whole picture, but if your intuition exceeds that of a ball-peen hammer, it shouldn't take too long for things to come into focus.

 

When he got a new girlfriend, things really started to seem amiss. It's not uncommon for the dumper to obsess over the dumpee's successes and failures in their love-life after the fact. I do believe this is motivated by pride and a morbid competitiveness as to who's "doing better than who post-breakup."

 

But that's not the entirety. There are still feelings there. Depending on the length of the relationship, those feelings can be as strong as love or as petty as simple jealousy. Usually it's a scary quagmire of all sorts of emotions that I wouldn't try to navigate if my life depended on it.

 

The worst of all happened when she figured out his yahoo mail password. She obsessed. She saw how many women he was sleeping with, and the sex acts they were engaged in, and something inside her snapped. Seeing that level of intimacy being shared with others by a 10-year partner was too much for her. Feeling like he had moved past her with little or no effort tore at her self-esteem. The suspicion that in the end she had just done what he wanted all along by leaving him was a constant internal debate.

 

We couldn't flirt around without her making caustic references to the sexmail text she had read. "If I'm a naughty girl, will you spank me until my butt is crimson-red?" or suggesting mockingly (sarcasm directed toward her ex) that she'd only make love to me if I ejaculated on her breasts and face, as his emails had detailed. Sorry if that was TMI for some.

 

That is when I realized I had "damaged goods." The big picture could not be ignored any longer, and I faced the decision of leaving this woman who so obviously hadn't moved past her ex.

 

This may be what your ex and her new partner experience, or some level thereof. She may be one of those rare people who can totally bury their feelings and never look back. For her, the relationship may have been emotionally dead long before she left, and thereforeeee she has already had "closure."

 

My bet is that your ex's new partner is in for an ugly ride, and that even if she has a change of heart, to think very very VERY carefully before getting on that train.

 

Good luck, sir. I don't believe for a moment that you're not thought of, or never come as an issue in your ex's new relationship. What, if any, satisfaction there is to be gained from that, I do not know.

 

Time may not heal ALL wounds, but it does heal most. And what does not kill us only makes us stronger. Keep the faith!

[herewegoagain]

Jerhico - wow, that is some story. Thanks for your insight. Good luck to you also, and keep the faith.

[Noggy27]

ok heres a twister for you..

 

Assuming that what you guys say is right.. Then what if they have programmed themselves to think of you as a bad guy who was of no use to them ( ie.. Self programming ) .

 

I am sure you all know what I mean.

 

Do you think that someone who has done this to themselves (self programming) to despise you and has moved on with another man still misses you? Do you think that one day maybe they will think. Well actually.. hes wasnt such a bad guy after all. Does this happen?

[herewegoagain]

Noggy - i wonder tha same thing because i believe my ex gf totally programmed herself to think I am the bad guy.

 

I honestly believe she has no remorse or no feeling for me anymore, even though we've been together for 4 1/2 years.

 

I still hope, but I don't think she will ever come to realize that I am a decent guy, who would be good for her. Especially because she is with her new man for over a month now. She's the type who loves to be wined and dined, and she is having a ball right now with her new guy.

 

But I 100% believe this - She would definitely had called me to work things out by now if she did not have a new man. I don't know if that's a good thing or bad thing, but if it wasn't for her new fling, we'd be together right now - I'm that sure of it.

 

So what I'm trying to say is that when there is someone else involved, it distorts her feelings for me. In fact, she probably thinks of me less and less because her new guy occupies her thoughts. I'm sure this is true for a lot of people's situations.

[rich46]

herewegoagain,

 

If you were together for 4.5 years, she most definitely will still have feelings for you. She may not feel any remorse because like you say, she is with this new guy now (rebound!). BUT I honestly think that if you treated your ex well, then one day it will click what she has done by letting you go. It might be next month, or next year, or in 10 years. Plus it might take her to be treated like dirt before she realises it.

 

She'll have to live with that on her conscience. It wouldn't surprise me if, when the honeymoon period of this rebound ends, she calls you. I would say after about 3-6 months, when things become less exciting than at first, she will start to realise. The difference is, we are going through this pain right now and dealing with it. So I think that we'll be stronger than they will be, because we've dealt with things NOW...rather than brushing over them and pretending they don't exist!

 

Hope that made sense!

 

Rich

[Noggy27]

Herewegoagain. You are in the same boat as me EXACTLY!

 

When we broke up she gave me some stuff about how she wasnt happy and she Didn't love me anymore. 3 DAYS!!! Later she has found herself a new man! She swears she didnt cheat on me but finding him so quick meant she obviously had this guy on the reserve team and he was the reason she broke up with me. She doesnt realise it yet thats all...

 

She went from someone who kissed me and told me she loved me everyday to someone who treats me like if I am some old beggar that followed her home one day. Shes fully reprogrammed and doesnt think of me at all.

 

I see what you say Rich but I cant understand how thats possible when you have moved on so quick and started a new life already. Its like throwing away your old bike and getting a new one. You dont cycle down the street thinking of how great your old bike was do you? In fact over time you actually forget about it completely.

[herewegoagain]

rich and noggy - good points from both of you.

 

Rich - I want to believe that she'll call someday, although I am not counting on it because I'm trying to move on. Also, when we broke up, she said i didn't treat her right (didn't tell her she looks nice enough times, didn't appreciate her, etc). So that makes me think that she was definitely fed up with me. But then again, i think she was LOOKING for reasons to break up with me because it made her feel less guilty so she could jump to the next man. And of course like a dummy, i apologized for all those things (which probably made her think she was actually right about her decision to break up). Does that make sense? I'm not sure if she really thought that bad of me, or just said those bad things about me just to justify breaking up. what do you think?

 

 

Noggy - also good points - Why would she think of the old bike when she has a new one? Good analogy. But remember, new bikes get old, too. And hopefully if our ex's want us back someday(old reliable bikes) we'll be strong enough to make the PROPER decision.

[OceanEyes]

If someone really wants out of a relationship, then the answer to your question is definitely a big "YES". You obviously don't forget about your ex, but getting over them? It's definitely possible.

 

Each time I've left a relationship, it's been something that I've contemplated for a while, maybe even months, but was never sure whether or not it was the right thing to do. It took either a big argument or him doing something I found very irritating to finally push me over the edge of uncertainty.

 

So I guess what I'm trying to say here, is that every time I've left a relationship, it's like I had already gone through my ups and downs before I even left it. So by the time I finally got out of them, I was more than ready to throw in the towel and move on right away.

 

Breakups never happen overnight. There are usually warning signs that can tip you off that your partner is thinking of bailing long before they actually do, but we usually tend to ignore these signs. Why? Because love is blind. Being dumped can actually help you to learn this. I have never been good at keeping my unhappiness to myself with my ex-boyfriends. I either told them what I didn't like and why, or they knew right away, but still nothing changed. So of course, unhappiness doesn't get any better if the source of it is consistent.

[rich46]

Breakups never happen overnight. There are usually warning signs that can tip you off that your partner is thinking of bailing long before they actually do, but we usually tend to ignore these signs. Why? Because love is blind. Being dumped can actually help you to learn this.

Great points, that is exactly what happened in my relationship. She was acting more and more distant towards the end, but I didn't do anything about it. If the same thing happens again in a future relationship, I will try my hardest to not let these warning signs go on for months. I wish I'd confronted my ex about this a long time before I actually did...

[Kittengirl]

I saw the signs months before my ex dumped me and I am not one for mincing my words and tackled things head on. I was greeted with BS like 'it's not you it's me', 'I have alot on at work right now'(turns out he was actally seeing a co-worker hahaha),'I feel stressed but it's nothing to do with you'. At the time I hoped it was true but I knew things weren't right and several times I asked if he needed space from our relationship or if there was someone else. Each time he said no and gave the reasons as above for his distance. So great surprise when he dumped me after 5 years...not. I was so angry, why couldn't he have come clean at the beginning? Save us both a miserable time? Anyway he is still seeing the co-worker and I am now engaged to a great guy. I was concerned that my relationship was a rebound because I still had feelings for my ex but the fact is, no one knows when the right person will come into their life.What happens if you miss the opportunity to be happy again because of the amount of time that has passed since your last relationship?My ex came back after 2 months begging me to give him another chance and I was contemplating it so no I don't think you can forget someone quickly, I still think of him now but not with love, just with sadness and disappointment and I know he thinks about me but somethings are just not meant to be.

[Pebek]

I saw the signs months before my ex dumped me and I am not one for mincing my words and tackled things head on. I was greeted with BS like 'it's not you it's me', 'I have alot on at work right now'.....'I feel stressed but it's nothing to do with you'

 

Same here. My gf of 4 1/2 years dropped the bomb on my head in March. I don't know if she's still thinking of me. I've been on 100% NC since then. She hasn't texted or anything. Maybe there's someone new in her life. I guess I don't want to know. The wound is still too fresh. It's been almost half a year since she left me but I still miss her.

 

Pete

[liferedo]

Kittengirl:

 

I was in the same boat. 1yr+ relationship. Both in terrible divorces. I was truly happy for the first time in many many years. I was truly in love with this person. Every aspect of her made me pine to see her everyday. But the last few months were becoming agonizing not getting it in return.

 

Turned out I was just a rebound for her. Well it was more than that. She had really adapted herself to what I was looking for. She really wanted someone to allow her to continue on her life as it was for 20 yrs. Most of the things she did or said to me were lies to suck me into her world. The whole time she was in an emotional affair with a past lover. Til he came back into the area. Then be off with you.

 

The signs were there. I saw them, I made excuses for them. Til I couldnt take any more. It really made it much worse because of the extra effort that was put into rationalizing what was going on and thinking I must be doing something wrong. The questions still linger in my head. Moving on has become very tough. But I know I wont get answers. I have been maintaining stict NC.

 

I keep telling myself that I was the best thing that ever happened to her and that she will never find that again. Maybe not true, but its helping me.

[ramsickle1369]

some of you know my story - my gf, instead of wanting to work on things, left for another guy. I know in MY mind I have to get over her (very hard to do), but I was just talking to some friends about the subject of - Is someone REALLY over his/her ex when they dump you and immediately "fall" for someone else? Can they really just turn off the switch?

 

To answer my own question as in my situation - the answer is DEFINITELY YES. I see my ex out at the bars a lot with her new man, and they sure do seem close. I guess this is almost good for me to see because it will force me to move on a little quicker.

 

I just wondered if any others had an answer to my question.

 

I know it seems that it happened in a moment, but most times, when someone moves from one to the next that quickly, they took time to get to know the 2nd guy WHILE with the first -- regardless if anything "technically" happened, she was having a mental affair for a while and didn't have the strength to end it w/o knowing FOR SURE guy #2 would already be there.

 

See, in her mind, it didn't happen so fast. There were probably weeks (or months) of her thinking things "might" work out with you, so when #2 came along, it confirmed her decision she was already making.

 

Unfortunatley, it does seem so out of the blue to the dumpee because the dumper rarely expresses feelings for another to their soon-to-be dumpee. Had you known that she was interested in another (which when you REALLY think about it and analyze all the things that happened just before the demise--you'll probably see) you would have had time to adjust, make changes, or let go.

 

From someone who's been on both sides of this fence, it's absolutely agonizing to love two people and have to "decide" which one to choose (whatever happened to dating multiple people, anyway?) The pain is very different than that of the dumpee--who is left totally lost and wondering "WHY?" But the dumper knows how much it was going to hurt the dumpee and this is why she likely didn't end it sooner.

[macgyver4ever]

Ramsickle,

 

What you have written makes a lot of sense, and is very true. The problem I have with it is trying to have sympathy for the "dumper" in love with two people. Dating multiple people is ok at the beginning, but after several years of a committed relationship, you're not supposed to be looking anymore.

 

I know pretty much everyone who was in the situation says "I wasn't looking, it just happened." F That. You nlet the other person effect you. You didn't say NO, and that's what someone does when they are in a committed relationship, and if suddenly you decided you aren't in a committed relationship. then just get out. Its that simple. Don't cheat!

 

Even if, after several years, your jumps ship and starts something right away, it is a rebound. Lets pretend they had been thinking about this for months, well how many of us, after a few months, are still not ready for a new relationship. Pretty much all of us. So not only is it a rebound (which don't work out too often) it is an affair (which has even slimmer odds.)

 

So if this got everyone's hopes up, don't let it. Will they come back, Maybe. Will you want take them back, Probably not. You will have moved on or gained the strength to realize you do not need someone like that in your life. Things happen for a reason, and things sort themselves out. It hurts like hell, but in the end we will all find happiness.

[ramsickle1369]

but after several years of a committed relationship, you're not supposed to be looking anymore.

Macgyver4ever,

 

You are absolutely right! You are NOT supposed to be looking. But if you are with the person for the wrong reasons to begin with, you don’t exactly “look”. It kind of shocks the heck out of you. You start to notice a simple gesture and think, that was just being nice. Then it becomes flirty and you think, "wow, someone wants to flirt with me? That’s nice but no thank you.”

 

For me, it was something deep down that I’d known all along (according to my journal 3 years before I married!). There had been a particular issue within me all along—it was a nagging “I’m not sure I am supposed to be here.” So when #2 came along, I instantly knew what my gut was trying to tell me all along.

 

I am not looking for sympathy—and I know what you are thinking, because I used to reserve the same judgment. That is, until I was on the other side. See, I used to think “No way I would ever let that happen!” But sometimes, you don’t really have a choice in the matter. There are greater forces at work.

Even if, after several years, your jumps ship and starts something right away, it is a rebound. Lets pretend they had been thinking about this for months, well how many of us, after a few months, are still not ready for a new relationship. Pretty much all of us. So not only is it a rebound (which don't work out too often) it is an affair (which has even slimmer odds.)

Very true! It is ALWAYS a rebound. And most times they don’t work out, that’s true. But I read more into the OP concern of “how was everything so perfect one day and totally over the next?”

[tiredofvampires]

Great post, Jerhico.

 

I have one question, and if you don't feel comfortable answering here, mabye you can PM me, since this has been plaguing my mind regarding my ex and his ability to snoop: I am very computer illiterate for the most part, and don't know how one can get another's password. How can someone do that if your password is private? I only ask because sometimes I get this paranoid thougth that my ex knows how to break into and read my e-mail as I discuss port-mortem issues about him with my friends. I thought as long as my password is my own, it is safe. I know this is off-topic, sorry, but that part of your story really scared me. Thanks!!

 

Lots of insight you put out, there.

[HulloThere]

tired... there are programs called "keyloggers" that he could have installed on your computer. They record every keystroke you make.. so if you have ever typed in your password he will know it. Most keyloggers are running in "hidden" mode and will not pop up unless a complex key sequence is pressed such as ctrl+alt+f+k+e or some other weird crap like that. Or he could have the logs sent to him remotely, i dont know. Virus scanners will identify some key loggers but not all. Only thing you can really do is reformat your computer to insure there is no snooping going on.

[tiredofvampires]

Hello Hullo

 

Thanks for the info! So, does that mean that he had to physically do something to my computer, to install it? It can't be accessed remotely unless he physically did something to my computer first? He has not had that kind of opportunity, I believe, to tinker with my computer (and he lives far away), so would that eliminate that concern?