notimeman Posted October 11, 2011 Share Posted October 11, 2011 Over the course of 4 months, me and my ex had an outstanding relationship; however, once that 4 month time had passed things started to go downhill. She became distant and started to push me away. I spoke to her about this once, but the problem was that I reacted particularly emotionally. The first time she explained that she's been really stressed, that the honeymoon phase of the relationship had passed, and that she's afraid because she truly feels I'm the man for her. That night she cried on the phone with me because she thought I was breaking up with her. She came over after I explained that that wasn't the case and we had a very intimate time together. I'd like to add that before that 4th month, we started having sex less and less, until it became a weekly thing, which is why I was reacting like I did. Well, after that night, we had outstanding sex (she even cried afterwards in happiness). She then had sex with me again the next day and the day after that. However, after those days she became distant again, but I understood it as her needing her space and that she was stressed. One day, however, it got to me that she was being too distant and I was feeling left out. I called her, and she got angry at me for doing this again. The conversation ended with her saying that I need to trust the relationship. To which I agreed and for some reason (instead of confronting her on her distance) promised her I wouldn't do it again. We were nearing our 5th month and her distance had gotten particularly overwhelming. We hardly went out and when we would she would start the date with an attitude (however, at the end of the date she would lighten up and we would have a lot of fun). She barely texted anymore, pretty much only to say Morning (and only that after I told her good morning) and to say goodnight (I would always say I love you. Goodnight. per her request and she would reply with Love you too, gnight). I like to mention now that we hadn't had sex in a month. This was getting tough, I was getting paranoid, thinking she was losing interest and I was doing everything in my power to get the spark back. One day I found out that she decided to comment to some guy on FB (a coworker, telling him she enjoyed him helping out in the cafe and the time they spent together), I freaked, probably because of my pent up insecurities. I texted her and told her we needed to talk and we ended up talking on the phone. I told her everything. That I was giving her space but she didn't seem interested. That I need the occasional text to let me know she cares. That it hurt me that she thought it would be best to get on FB rather than text me good morning. That she seemed distant. She ended up crying again, telling me that she can't trust me anymore and that even though she loved me so much she felt she was causing me anxiety. Midway I told her that I didn't want the relationship to end that I just wanted her to make more of an effort. But she told me (after telling me she was shaking from the emotional distress I caused her) that she doesn't know what to say. I told her I was a bad boyfriend (she denied it, saying I was a good man) and at the end of the conversation, I told her that I loved her and the last thing I heard was a sob right before she hung up on me. The next day she set herself as single on FB and I did the same. I sent her a text saying: "I understand, but I need the keys to my apartment and while you're here I'll help you with your things". She came that day, it was raining. I put her stuff in the trunk and she got out of the car and gave me this look of utter pain (she tried to smile but it seemed like she was holding back the tears). She went around her car (she could've just handed it to me) and opened the passenger door to give me my shirt that she'd wear and the keys to the apartment. I told her, in complete composure: "Take care". She cut me midway and went for a hug, and we hugged for a bit, and later said: "I better go." I haven't spoken to her since, its been 3 days. I figured I'd give her her space, thinking that perhaps once a week has passed I'd try to reconnect with her and ask her for coffee. Not to talk about our relationship but just to show her a good time. Maybe to restart what we had slowly and try to make myself a better man that doesn't need her verification every 5 minutes. What's troubling is that she likely has a lot of people speaking to her about me. I really hit it off with friends and family. I already saw her sister say: "This is unacceptable" to her change of relationship status. And her friends have done nothing but try to keep her happy without dogging me (because they always told me I was an amazing boyfriend). This has led me to believe that perhaps the better option would be to wait for her to initiate contact. But I fear that waiting too long will alienate her and I'll lose my chance. I want to make it very clear that we have an outstanding amount of chemistry. Even when things were bad when we had a chance to spend time together it was incredible. I've been in countless relationships and she has been in some really crappy ones. I'm not discussing the topic on whether I want her back or not, but rather whether it'd be a good idea to let her make that decision or for me to initiate it. Thank you for your patience. Link to comment
seanryder Posted October 12, 2011 Share Posted October 12, 2011 Hi There, Firstly, welcome to the forum. I see it's your first post. Secondly it might be an idea to give some information about your ages, so that people giving advice have some sort of a handle on what stage in life you both are at. From reading your post, it sounds like you were a bit 'clingy' and there is nothing surer to kill a relationship than clingyness, regardless of what ages you are. Give her some space and let her initiate things, as she was the one pulling away in the first place. Love is like holding a handful of sand, the more you grab hold of it, the more it will slip through your fingers. Don't confirm her your 'clingyness' by chasing after her....it will drive her further away. Just my opinion.....good luck. Link to comment
notimeman Posted October 12, 2011 Author Share Posted October 12, 2011 Thank you so much for your reply and welcome. This site has really eased me into the concept of NC (I originally did it because going after my ex and begging didn't work in the last relationship). We're both very young (21), so I can see why she would've gotten uncomfortable with settling down. However, her sister has been with her current husband since her 20s and has been married (she's now 25), so all through the relationship I noticed a sense of her wanting to settle with a good guy despite our ages. I'd like to also add that we are still FB friends and still both have pictures of ourselves together (she hasn't deleted anything) and that when she had a chance to return some of the things I left at her house (a tile I painted of a panda), she kept them, so I certainly feel she has longing feelings which strengthen the idea that I should just let her make the decision. Thank you once again. Link to comment
GotMyLifeBack Posted October 12, 2011 Share Posted October 12, 2011 If reconnecting with your ex is what you want (and by all indications you do), you're in a superb position to do so. Know why? In countless ways you have shown her how much you love and want her and thus far, you've stopped short of begging, stalking or any of those other nasties that drive people far away. But I fear that waiting too long will alienate her and I'll lose my chance. No, you won't lose your chance if you don't initiate contact. But you will reduce your chance if you keep pursuing her. She knows you want her. She gets it. Let her learn by your absence that if she wants a relationship with you, she has to participate as much as you by talking, texting, showing affection, cherishing you. I'm not an NC guy. If she initiates conversation with you, meet her halfway. But until and unless she steps to the plate, there's nothing you can do to reconnect with her. Again, it's a beautiful thing that you haven't kept after her after your breakup. Put all your energy into holding yourself together, learning patience, building yourself up, and treasuring and protecting your dignity. I'm not discussing the topic on whether I want her back or not, but rather whether it'd be a good idea to let her make that decision or for me to initiate it. You already made your decision. Now step back and let her make her own decision without inserting yourself into the process. Link to comment
notimeman Posted October 12, 2011 Author Share Posted October 12, 2011 Wow, your reply was very uplifting! Thank you, I will hold strong. Link to comment
seanryder Posted October 12, 2011 Share Posted October 12, 2011 No problem...that's what everyone here is for. We've all felt the pain in some form or other, and if it can help someone else through a tough time, then something good has come of it. Yes, you both are very young. That is just a fact, not a condescending put-down. You both have long lives ahead of you and possibly there will be many lovers along the way before you find the one who you can truly be happy with. Don't place all your eggs in one basket. I think it is very true to say that the person you are at 21 is not the person you are at 41. It sounds like your ex is trying to duplicate her sisters life, as she sees that as being her ideal. Your relationship with your ex or with anyone for that matter should not be based on someone else's relationship. It belongs to both of you, not anyone else. Set a date in your mind, maybe a month or two, and if she doesn't get in touch move on. Learn from this experience, it will be of great benefit to you when you do find the right person. Link to comment
notimeman Posted October 12, 2011 Author Share Posted October 12, 2011 I agree, after a month I'll move on. But I think its important that I enjoy myself alone, that might've been what caused me the most grief, this incapability for being lonely. Link to comment
seanryder Posted October 12, 2011 Share Posted October 12, 2011 I have to agree with "GotMyLifeBack"...great post. You have shown yourself as a caring, dignified guy. If she doesn't see this and respond to it then it is her loss. Being alone is bliss compared to being with the wrong person. One month, then move on....good idea. Good luck my friend. Link to comment
notimeman Posted October 12, 2011 Author Share Posted October 12, 2011 Thank you very much for your time! Good luck to you, as well. Link to comment
notimeman Posted October 25, 2011 Author Share Posted October 25, 2011 Okay guys, I might've overplayed my hand. After the first week since our break-up, my brother and father convinced me (by saying that I need to fight for the relationship) into texting her. I did so, with a: "Would you like to get some hot chocolate and a frappe sometime?". She didn't respond. At 12:30am I noticed that guy (the co-worker she commented on facebook before) had posted a video on her wall and she responded and they were having friendly banter. So once again, she chose to reply to him rather than my text. It hurt, I'll admit to that, but I didn't contact her at all. Instead I unfriended her from facebook and untag myself from all her photos (as well as unfriended all her friends/family that would allow her to show up on my newsfeed). Later I found out that after I did that she unfriended all my family (and likely removed my photos, though I'm unsure). I essentially fully initiated NC. It has so far been a week and I've heard nothing from her. I feel that I've completely alienated her in this way, but completely preventing from seeing how I'm doing on facebook may prove to be in my benefit. I've taken the time to heal for myself, and I really feel I've improved. The funny thing is that as the days go by I've gradually realized that she was as much to blame for the end of our relationship as I was. She pushed me away, the intimacy, passion, and romance was gone (I mean 30 days, guys). But I still love her and perhaps her fear of commitment caused her to become distant (or perhaps her level of stress). So, have I blown it? Link to comment
GotMyLifeBack Posted October 25, 2011 Share Posted October 25, 2011 The funny thing is that as the days go by I've gradually realized that she was as much to blame for the end of our relationship as I was. She pushed me away, the intimacy, passion, and romance was gone (I mean 30 days, guys)... So, have I blown it? Nope. Don't chase. Remember, you already did that. Let her live her life and make her mistakes. Maybe she'll come back, maybe not. But you can't single-handedly save the relationship. Really, for your sake, I hope you don't give in to the temptation to reach out to her. Link to comment
raton44 Posted October 25, 2011 Share Posted October 25, 2011 If she removed your photos and family members, she's likely hurting. So, you may still have a chance. I would just keep witht he NC. I deleted my ex and our photos (except for a couple of group ones) becuase i was hurting and needed to inorder to move on. He still has a couple of his albums public and there are pics of us together, close, and happy, which I find odd. he also has not unfriended my brothers. So, either he doesn't really care, or hasn't let go yet. But, your girl is probably just hurting. She may just not be responding to you bc she doesn't know what to say, isn't ready to meet up, and doesn't want to hurt your feelings Link to comment
notimeman Posted October 25, 2011 Author Share Posted October 25, 2011 Thanks guys, I suppose I'll just have to stay strong. I've deleted her number, so there's no way I can contact her on a whim (texting makes it so easy when you're feeling down). I am worried about her best friend, she's always been extremely protective of her (while we were dating she would say some pretty rude things to me like: "I'll always be there for her, you probably won't" and she even bit me once when she was drunk because I was close to her), so she might be the the one thing that can prevent this from ever happening. I have made my relationship status public, though. I plan to be single for a long time and I'd like her to at least know that I haven't moved on to the next girl right off the bat. Link to comment
chitown9 Posted November 8, 2011 Share Posted November 8, 2011 The bottom line is that if she wants to go back with you, she will find you. Hope for the best, but expect the worst...and just go on with your life..chi Link to comment
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