Need Advice/Help with Sex in Long Term Relationship

[Fantanos]

Hello Everyone,

 

I have been with my current girl friend for just over 3 years and I love her, I am pretty sure will get married.

 

For the past year I have been struggling with the sex part the relationship, it has lead to arguments and fights. I am 30 and she is 25... I am just afraid we are too young for these issues?

 

I did some research on this site and other sites and I learned that for a women it is more emotional then physical. So a month ago I decided I would do things completely different, spend more time with her and less at work, do more things alone and concentrate on her. In the past I didn't always do this, I worked a lot and we spent our free time with family and friends. Just recently we spent an entire weekend away together on a romantic trip, I now get up an hour earlier everyday to make her coffee, lunch and start her car. I do and have always done the house chores, I would say I do 60% of the chores and I cook/clean up dinner 3 out of the 5 nights. I surprise her on 1 month anniversaries, I make the bed and light candles. This past weekend we spent every second together and never left each other, we went tailgating and to a football game, Sunday we went to church, I cooked her breakfast and we took a 3 hour hike in the woods, after that we went to get wings at a place she really wanted to go. At dinner I whispered that when we got home if she slide on her sexy night gown I would give her a back rub. When we got home she had a headache and fell asleep.. she apologized the next morning and I said it is okay. When Monday night came around I was excited because I thought she would "make up" for it... instead she started falling asleep on the couch so I had to make a move on us making love. I was really disappointed. I gave her a 30 min back rub thinking I might get oral out of it.. instead she just used her hand for awhile.

 

I am at the point that I don't know what else I can do emotionally to help things. Right now we do it an average of 2 times a week, maybe 3 if we are lucky. The problem is the second and third time is always a struggle and I always have to initiate it and pry to get it. It makes her feel uncomfortable but I don't know what else to do. If it was up to her it would be 1 time a week and that isn't enough for me. I am a very sexual person and she is not, which is our first problem. I am a good looking guy and take care of myself, I shower and clean before we get physical. I give her back rubs for 30-45 min at a time to help, she doesn't like her vagina being touched so that is out of the question.

 

What am I missing, am I thinking this out too much and maybe I just need to give her time to make a move? Since a month ago things have gotten better but not as good as I would like I guess. Are we just at that point that we need to really be creative? Is this normal for 3 years?

 

I recommended porn and she thinks it is gross, although she has been trying to watch some softcore when I am not around to get in the mood, she still says it is gross. She is also reading erotic novels here and there which she says are helping. When we do have sex it only last for 5 minutes and she has an orgasm, it is real too, she isn't a faker. So how does she go from not wanting to do it to having an orgasm that quick? Then not wanting to do it for a few days?? Its hard because 5 minutes after waiting 3-4 days is, well...

 

I would be happy with 3 times a week and I can do the rest myself, lol. I would really like it everyday but I know that isn't an option, plus that might get to the point we don't enjoy it.

 

Any suggestions??

[LDRohnos]

Been there, only way worse..

 

Has it always been this way? Over time did her general interest in sex diminish?

 

Is she stressed out at work? Family problems? Depression? Does she sleep/lay down almost every chance she gets?

 

Is she intimate in other ways? Such as other physical contact and/or emotionally? Closed off? Does she initiate conversations or physical contact EVER?

 

Yeah I think that's enough questions for one post...just need more information about her.

[chr8st8na]

Wow, she really thinks it's gross when watching Softcore??? Hmm... I met a guy who had a very low sex drive or I think it was no sex drive. He said he has a sexual aversion or some sort of disorder. I did not return his call for a second date.

Even tho you guys have been together for three years, I still think that's a little early to know if you want to spend your whole life with someone. Personally, I think that when two people are together in their early stage of a relationship, they have to almost have the same sex drive. It won't work out with someone who has a low sex drive and seeing someone who has a high sex drive. The one with the high sex drive will always feel unappreciated or undesirable and this only creates drama. And you can't change someone if they have some sort of sexual desire disorder or they are just not that attracted to you to want sex. Sometimes love is not enough for others to please you as much you would like.

[Fantanos]

Been there, only way worse..

 

Has it always been this way? Over time did her general interest in sex diminish?

 

Is she stressed out at work? Family problems? Depression? Does she sleep/lay down almost every chance she gets?

 

Is she intimate in other ways? Such as other physical contact and/or emotionally? Closed off? Does she initiate conversations or physical contact EVER?

 

Yeah I think that's enough questions for one post...just need more information about her.

 

Actually it has always been similar since day one. She is not a sexual person and she didn't have a lot of sexual experience prior to me. A lot of what we have done was her first time or maybe second so I understand this. We had our honey moon months which everyone does but generally it has been like this. All my past relationships ended before the honey moon months so I am not use to this, lol.

 

She is intimate in other ways, hugging and cuddling, kissing, hanging on me. She shows sex interest in the middle of the day, basically when we can't do it, then when it comes to night she is sleeping and I am angry. She tries but doesn't finish it most of the time, if that make sense.

 

She does have a stressful job, she has a degree and uses it in the health field. She works 8-9 hours a day and has a 1 hour drive each way, so 10-11 hour day. I know this is a HUGE part of it, she has told me and I can see it in her. She came out of school and went from being a lazy college student to a high demanding job. When she is relaxed, like on a Saturday her sex is more willing.

 

We have discussed it and she is very shy talking about it, She is trying but I expect it to happen quick and she says it will take time.

 

When she watches porn she can't believe people actually can do it like that lol. I guess the video I found wasn't soft core now that I think about it. Unless "Big getting pounded" is soft? lol

[LDRohnos]

I don't see a huge problem here other than the fact you aren't getting your needs fulfilled but sometimes life is just like that. You said she's emotionally available and does have a sex drive, just not equal to yours. You guys should sit down one day when you're both not busy and try to find a compromise that both works for you and for her.

 

If she's very busy during the week it's completely understandable that she just wants to rest after and simply doesn't have the energy. Have you guys thought about joining a gym together if you aren't already or just taking a 30 minute jog around the block in the evening together? Exercise helps enormously with energy and she may give her that little extra "umph" during the week that she wouldn't otherwise.

 

I wouldn't force her to do anything that she doesn't feel comfortable doing but I would definitely address it to her that your needs aren't being met and you'd like more. Time is certainly one of the things but there are actual actions you can take to reduce stress and gain energy. It sounds like that's what's holding her back more than her emotions/will to have sex. Best of luck!

 

The porn watching isn't a big deal, some women just aren't into that kind of thing. She doesn't seem like a prude or cold fish so whatever.

[Deciduous]

Hi Fantanos,

 

She must a very rare woman indeed if she can have an orgasm in 5 minutes of penatrative sex. About 75 percent of all women never reach orgasm from intercourse alone -- that is without the extra help of sex toys, hands or tongue.

 

And 10 to 15 percent never climax under any circumstances. Those that are brought to orgasm through penatration cited that 20 minutes of stimulation was required or longer.

 

Yet here we have a woman who has explosive orgasms - which the rest of us can only envy - within 5 minutes of penatration. But at every opportunity she runs from sex, avoiding it like the plague and states that she is "not a sexual person"

 

She finds porn gross and doesn't like having her vagina touched. She comes onto you during the day, when there's no chance of sex. She pretends to be asleep when you come to bed and yet you are still convinced that this woman is in the top 1% of woman. She is able to orgasm through penatrative sex within five minutes of stimulation. Presumbly she doesn't like having her vagina touched because it feels so good.

 

How likely is this scenario? I'm afraid she has been lying to you for quite some time.

 

What am I missing, am I thinking this out too much and maybe I just need to give her time to make a move?

 

I think you may be deliberately ignoring the bitter truth here. She has very little interest in sex. Always DID and always will. Why? I don't know. My gut feeling is that this goes beyond a low libido and there is a story there. Whether unconscious childhood messages taught her that sex is wrong or whether there is a history of abuse, I cannot tell you.

 

What I can tell you with absolute certainty is what your sex life is now is what it will be after marriage. No miraculous changes are going to occur. There are no secret pills, no emotional strokes, sexual moves, candles, horse whips that are going to turn this woman into a sexual dynamo. EVER

 

This is who your girlfriend is. Those long term promises will come to naught, rather in the way that the short term ones doN'T (the sexual hints during the day that never pan out)

 

I think you know all of this in your heart of hearts, but you are praying that you are wrong.

 

In this thread you have thrown up every excuse in the book. Maybe she's tired and has been for THREE SOLID YEARS Maybe this is normal for a long term relationship. Ah no, it's not. It was like this in the short term as well you know. It has always been like this, yet you cling to the dream, that you are merely months away from a miraculous change.

 

YOU ARE NOT! This is who she is, who she has always been.

 

What you now need to ask yourself IS, can I accept this for ever? There is no wrong or right answer.

 

There is many a man who has nobly said yes and gotten married. Two years down the line, turns out the answer was NO. He finds himself on top of his secretary. Followed by the loss of his family home, his kids, pension and half his income.

 

On the other hand, I don't doubt there are those who wished they had made it work. Maybe it would have. But there is an awful lot to give up. You have to be willing to chase down an unwilling sex partner for the next 50 years and there is always the the chance that one the ring is on the finger, sex will drop to zero. Yet for some it is undoubtedly worth it, they are with your soul-mate. They weigh up how emotionally happy and compatible they are. And the odds are heavily in their current partners favour.

 

You are now 30. It is rapidly getting to crunch time. All in or all out. I can't tell you which way to jump, but I would urge you to stop fantacizing about an impossible miracle and deal with the issues at hand.

 

All the best to you

 

Deci

[Mesemene]

Do you ever do these things - make the bed up, give her backrubs etc - WITHOUT the hope/expectation it will lead to sex?

 

The reason I ask is - I was in a relationship that had loads of sexual interest and NO affectionate/romantic gestures that weren't in the hope of sex. It became like emotional blackmail - if I wanted romantic affection, it was with the niggling expectation or hope that sex would follow, and if it didn't, I was a disappointment and inadequate. And it led to one horrible sex life. Everything had sexual connotations, overtones, and strings - so the "romantic" gestures, to me, were anything but - it was more bribery. I went from being "average" on sex drive to "almost frigid" and it took me years to realize it wasn't just me that had created the issue.

[chr8st8na]

i can understand that when u work long shifts and you are too tired to have sex BUT to use it regularly to avoid sex?? Yes definitely not a good sign.

U can talk to her about seeing a sex therapist but she might be offended.

[Alezia]

First of all, don't do nice actions for her in the hopes that you will get more sex. That's pretty passive-aggressive, and it should be totally distinct from having sex.

 

I don't know how she is, but personally I don't respond well to groping under stress or if I've cleaned up after the bf and the kids all day. He personally hates that I work this way, because all he wants to do is avoid me all night and expect me to magically desperately want him when I'm exhausted and ready to go to bed. If at that point in time you give me a massage, yes all I will want to do is sleep.

 

Personally I am most receptive to sex when the intention is made progressively through the night and has time to stew like a good soup. Ex: If we both dress up to go out, unwind with no kids in the legs, have some wine and good sex conversation related to myself and others, then I will be much much more receptive.

Other time is in the morning, where I am not just lured by the pillow.

She probably has a distinctive pattern of when she is most receptive to approaches, you just have to figure it out.

 

Edit: I've just noticed that you said she was more receptive on the Saturday, which is good per say. Perhaps just focus on having one really good passionate night of sex per week as opposed to three lousy ones, and then take it from there.

[greywolf]

I think you are mistaking emotional connection for being a doormat. Yes, a lot of women do want an emotional connection first, but I'm not going to feel emotionally connected to someone just because they bend over backwards for me hoping that they'll get sex from it.

[Fantanos]

Wow.... a lot of weird responses showed up, some of them almost appear to be from the poster being bitter about their sex lives?

 

Deci, you make it sound like I am liar. She will orgasm 99% of time we have sex. The only time she has trouble is if we do it the next day, sometimes she tells me to go ahead. Other than that it is not an issue, I find it very odd to have an orgasm like she does and not be interested the next day as well. It is mind boggling to say the least, although I have read of others with the same issues.

 

I do not do chores around the house and nice things for her for sex only. Sure its on my mind a lot but is not my only intention. I did some reading and learned that for a woman sex is emotional, if you make her feel good and happy she is more likely to be sexually interested. It has been working for me. I understand she is never going to be the sex addict I think I want but I am trying to establish an idea of what I can expect. I have had sex addicts in the past, although it was great and I miss it greatly these same girls are the ones that have cheated, most are now single with children to multiple man now.

 

Last night I cooked a nice romantic dinner, lit candles in the bedroom and bought some new body lotion. I massaged her back from 20 minutes and then applied lotion to her legs while gently touching her vagina. After some work I was able to rub her vagina (which I usually can't do, she claims it tickles and feels weird) after a few minutes she had an orgasm from just my hand.

 

The dinner, the flowers and the candles as well as me putting time into the relationship and showing I care all helped her (I feel)

 

Alezia, thanks for your comments. They make sense and you seem to be on her pattern. You are correct about the one night of passionate sex, if we would wait a week and do it once a week the sex would be very good and more aggressive, with the exception of her having an orgasm with in minutes. Maybe this is my issue, I am looking for longer but she last for a few minutes, last night all it took was my hand.

 

I dated a few "bad girls" in the past and it has my sex expectations high. Girls that would do anything I asked and do what we watched in porn earlier... I got myself spoiled I guess. But like I mentioned those bad girls weren't the relationship type.

[Alezia]

Hum it seems strange that she has an orgasm within minutes, but I suppose some girls last longer than others. I don't have sex very often compared to other posters (2-4 times per week) but when I do, I have no issues with it lasting 30-60 minutes. That's between head, porn or whatever else that is actively sexual. I'm not sure it's a good girl vs. bad girl syndrome, it's just that you may not be on the same time zones when it comes to getting sexually turned on.

 

Since I have sex for a lengthy enough period of time, I prefer to wait 1 day between the happenings else I get really sore. For 5 minutes though, I can't imagine that she would suffer from the same issue