How long did it take for the rose-colored glasses to come off?

[gluestick]

I am 6 weeks post BU and I find it hard to get those rose-colored glasses of my ex-bf to come off. Although, tiny bits and pieces are very slowly starting to come through in my mind. He broke up with me, but it was an amicable split. He wanted to remain friends, but I initiated NC after week 1 and told him we'd reconnect in a few years. Truth is, he is a really great catch. As this was my first serious relationship and his second, more mistakes were made on my end having had no prior experience, but I know it's not 100% my fault.

 

In your breakups, how long did it take you to shed those rose-colored glasses? I know it's important in the healing process. Also, how do you learn to forgive yourself?

[rbsx]

The rose colored glasses never come off in my opinion. There are intangible things that have attracted me people that won't change, whether it be beauty, intelligence, athletic ability, whatever. Those things, don't go away.

 

The issue is coming to terms with whatever else that you learn about them that you don't like.

[trezeralietas]

I am 8 weeks into my separation from my husband. I would say my glasses started to come off around the point you're at--six weeks or so. But, they don't always stay off. I've found that I tend to put them back on and then I take them off again. I find I spend less and less time wearing them and sometimes I have to intentionally force myself to remove them.

 

This healing business is rough, huh? Hugs! We'll all get better!

[symbiot]

As far as the self forgiveness goes. For me personally, i had to reflect for a while on the relationship and figure out what I did wrong. When I recognized the things I should have done differently I studied how to rid myself of those behaviors. When I decided that I would never do those things again the self forgiveness came with it naturally.

[Timefornc]

I still have mine on. Whilst I accept she is gone forever she was still amazing. Why else would I pine for six months? And I now think that I will find someone else better

[Thorshammer]

Mines came off as soon as she dumped me. With my experience, it was easy. If the break up was clean, respectful, and honest, then I would imagine it would be very difficult. But you know what, the ones that aren't that way screw a lot of peoples minds up. Sure, the bad break ups help the dumpee to never want that person, and to never expect them or take them back, but some people never shake off the pain of being deceived or how bad they were treated.

[gluestick]

But, they don't always stay off. I've found that I tend to put them back on and then I take them off again.

 

This is happening to me too. I guess it comes in waves, just like my emotions. Hopefully after some time, we'll realize that we weren't compatible with our ex's.

[Mesemene]

To an extent, they may always be there.

 

I still look back with some fondness at the memories of my first serious relationship - and the bad times just don't want to surface much. Sure, I can recall them, and I sure don't want him back, but I still remember his good qualities with more clarity than the ones that drove me nuts!

[gluestick]

As far as the self forgiveness goes. For me personally, i had to reflect for a while on the relationship and figure out what I did wrong. When I recognized the things I should have done differently I studied how to rid myself of those behaviors. When I decided that I would never do those things again the self forgiveness came with it naturally.

 

At what point after your BU did you start reflecting on your behavior in the relationship? Right now, my emotions get the better of me and I can't clear my head quite enough to really see what mistakes we both made that led to the demise of our relationship. I don't think an unbiased self-reflection comes until after we're a long way in healing. I also think it's hard to get rid of those bad behaviors we exhibit unless we constantly make a conscientious effort or become more self-aware of our actions/words.

[symbiot]

Well I can tell you that in the beginning I thought she must have left me because I wasn't good enough so I was blaming my self for everything but it was probably 2-3 months after( I had to stop crying every single second of the day first). But I have always been a deep thinking and heavily philosophical person so introspection has never been a problem for me.

[Yoruame]

No BU has been more difficult for me to deal with than the one(s) involving my first love. Managed to stay away from him for five years, then let my unresolved issues suck me back into it again. Rose-colored glasses came off within months the first time we were together, but after that first BU, I still wasn't over things, as a few years after, my bf at the time accused me of still being in love with the first one (and honestly, I felt that way..). After getting back with the ex, we've had multiple BU's since (making this latest one the final one) and though I still get the roses in my mind every now and then, it's not quite in the same way for a few reasons. 1. I recognize that what is coming into my mind is the romanticized version 2. I think of the reality of how things were and that quickly kills the fantasies and 3. At this point, there is nothing left unresolved, unlike when I was younger and thought about all of the ways I could, would or should have done something. I know now that it has gone as far as it can ever go.