I can't seem to find another story like mine but Im sure someone understands.

[hurtinhouston]

So I met my wife when I was 21 and she was 18. Call it love at first sight or whatever but for someone who was a serial dater I was pretty much hooked from that point. Over the next 10 years we have our ups (moving in together, taking trips, just daily happiness) and our downs ( she cheated on my, by kissing a guy on my birthday at my birthday party, then didn't know if she wanted to be with me or this guy and needed time to work it out. Second major issue occurred about 5 years later, some guy at her work and her evidently felt that they were a better match for each other and had more in common so it just wasn't going to work with me and I had to deal with their realization, AND the last time about 3 years ago, she just realized she could never see us getting married, or staying married rather she just saw us getting divorced....) Ok I know that was a HUGE parentheses. Ok so obviously after each time we ended things I tried to move on and sometimes successfully sometimes not, but every time she would come back and I would take her back. The last time was beginning of 2008 and we got engaged later that year and married shortly after. Since then she has been the perfect wife. Supportive, loving, fun, caring everything I wanted her to be. And Ive been super happy as well. We had our only kiddo last year and it honestly just made everything event better. ok. So this past week I suddenly find myself thinking about my past with her. And I realize that even though she apologized I still am carrying a lot A LOT of self esteem issues, sadness, and hurt in me. I feel as though every time she had the chance to choose someone else she did. That I never was her choice over anyone. I feel like i was a fall back crutch that was the stable one. The self esteem issue has drove me to work harder, try to be a better dad and husband, and stay healthy and in shape. For the most part it was the fear that if I gave her a reason to leave she would. SO I realized all this and this wave of just sadness has come over me. Then I did something absolutely stupid; I googled the guy she left me for the second time. And now the images of her with him while I was at home fill my mind. Them laying together after sex, just talking the way I talk to her.. just everything. And it just hurts. I find my self so mad at her for hurting me, for not being the one I could count on. But I thought I was over it all which is why I forgave her when we gt married. I knew I couldn't hold this against her but I'm at this point where I just hurt to the point that I find myself being short with her, I find myself questioning everything about myself and how long before the next guy comes along to take her away. She notices something is wrong, but I don't know what to say. Is it fair to throw this all this on her? I did forgive her, and I love her so very much. I never want her to hurt I never want her to feel the way I feel but how do I deal with a pain that I honestly thought was long ago buried. How do I erase these images from my head. Ok . Thats my dilemma. I anxiously await your responses.

[LDRohnos]

That's a lot of emotional abuse she put you through and I don't blame you for harboring those feelings. Have you ever spent time and really talked to her about all this? Some would say "man up" and sweep it under the rug but if it's bothering you now it's going to keep bothering you for the rest of your lives together.

 

It's completely fair to throw all this on her, she's responsible for it. Has she ever taken the fault for it or does she blame you for forcing her to stray?

[wiseoldwoman]

In short, no it's not fair to throw this on her. And you need to go get some counseling to deal with this. You can't be blamed for hurting. But you can no longer blame her for something in the past which happened before the two of you made a commitment to one another.

 

You met her when you were both very young. She wasn't ready for a full commitment yet, which is certainly understandable. It would have been understandable if you'd decided against taking her back any one of those times. But you made the decision to do it. Once you did that, you started from a clean slate - for both of you. She then arrived at the same point as you, and made a full commitment to you. And since then, you say she's been wonderful. It's not fair of you to be dredging up events from the past that occurred before she made that full commitment, and you're going to end up ruining an apparently wonderful relationship if you don't get it under control. It was indeed foolish to look up one of her previous flings and she certainly should not have to pay the price for your foolishness - nor should your child.

 

It might be that's there's something happening you're not fully conscious of that's making you worried something is going on again. Or the major change of having a child could be so stressful, you're looking for reasons for some discomfort you have in the way things are right now. Or you could have self esteem issues that have simply not permitted you to truly forgive her, even though you wanted to. Or there could be some power shift in your relationship and you're subconsciously wanting to use these past events as a means to get the upper hand in that. You need to talk to a professional to figure out what's really going on in your head about this. This is something that is now your problem, not hers, and you need to deal with it. Soon.

[hurtinhouston]

She did apologize, but more emphasis was put on me accepting and being able to move on. At the time, each time, just having her back meant I had the chance to be actually happy so it was never a second thought. The idea that we wouldn't end up together because I couldn't forgive her is so foreign to me. I honestly don't think I every truly considered it.

[Princess123]

She cheated on you THREE TIMES and you still married her? SERIOUSLY? I know why you feel this way you were essentially her back up and you may feel like she settled for you. She tested out other guys and when it didn't work she had you to fall back upon and knew you were a good guy. Dang...

[turnera]

Well, you weren't married. So it wasn't legally infidelity. But you are quire correct in your assessment that you have been the fall-back plan. That said, it's also quite possible that she has finally done her growing up, and that now she is VERY glad she chose you, and adores you. Having babies can do that, so can other things like just getting older. She was awfully young to hook up with you; never got to experiment with free dating like YOU did, and that may come back to bite you.

 

The point is, you need to be 100% honest with her on how you feel. People who marry should be each other's best friend. That's the whole point of marrying. She needs to hear how you feel, and she needs to hear that you feel she has never really owned up to her transgressions, always pushing it onto you to be accepting, rather than her to be contrite. Explore that with her; find out WHY she can't own the harm she caused, and find out what would make her capable of doing it again. I, too, recommend doing this in front of a counselor, who can guide you both to a healthy resolution of it.

[hurtinhouston]

You guys rock. Thank you so much for the help and advice. I'm going to pick and choose what I want from all of you. Sometimes I guess its just nice to hear it from someone else who doesn't have a vested interest in mine or her friendship.

[kaibutsu]

I honestly don't know how you manage to be in a relationship like that. How do you ever find a way to trust a person that has cheated on you multiple times. You are stronger than I would be and far more committed. You can't but help feel like there is another train light at the end of that tunnel. I would see if you can meet with a counselor before talking to her about it. How would she feel about you looking this guy up? A counselor may help you find a way to get over things if you are still committed to making this work. I admire your tenacity.

[Lester]

Hi Hurt,

Did you say in your posts that you caught her in sexual act another person?

 

Did she specifically admit it to you?

 

Sorry if I missed it.