Once the trust is broken, is it possible to trust that person again?

[feellikeafool]

i was just wondering whether once a person you trust and have so much faith in breaks that trust is it possible to build on and start trusting that person again?

 

your views would be a great insight

[sunnyv]

Yes anything is possible but this person must realize and want to do better. We are all humans we all make mistakes its how we react.

[Ms Darcy]

It depends. But usually, I cut people off forever if they violate my values more than once.

[sjjohnson89]

Very difficult topic, as someone who doesnt give trust out that much at all myself if someone breaks my trust that tends to be them outside of the door and i shut it on them. Not always even consciously, since, trust is very very hard to earn from me. Though, i have once let someone back in after they broke my trust, i dont regret doing so but it didnt work out in the end. I think, if a person breaks your trust they have to be really sincere about what they did, wanting to change and not make that mistake again. The problem is, anyone can say they wont make that mistake again and talk about how theyve changed etc. But, realization and action are not as frequently made. You have to be able to actually see it progress, them making the change and showing their genuine will to gain your trust back.

[Melting]

I think it all depends on how much you really want to work it out with this person.

[digdug]

I have faith, as long as you have taken the time to fix what is broken. You know my story, and I hope that is the case. I simply don't know for certain.

 

My GF trusted me when I told her I was ready for a committed relationship, and I truly thought I was. I let her down to the point where she actually fell out of love with me. To date, I'm not sure if that is a wall she put up to protect herself, or if she truly doesn't love me anymore. It hurts to face the latter, but I also know that my issues couldn't be fixed by her. I do know that the man she dated prior to me, the one who was going through a divorce and treated her similar to me, is now truly divorced. He reached out to her very early on, when we had dated only for a very short time. She was honest with him, and told him that she had met me and that I had stolen her heart. That was the last I heard of it. I could very well have pushed her back into his arms, but it still does not take me off the hook for what I need to fix in me.

She tried so hard to love me, and I wouldn't let her have me. I couldn't, as much as I thought I could. She has much on her plate to, and I can only trust that she is working on finding her center to. If that is not the case, I can't control that. Again, all I can control is me. It is such a bitter reality, isn't it? But how can I honestly look in the mirror and say that I did all I could to work on the things I told her I would, when she didn't see it happening enough to move on .... I can't, and that simply isn't fair to her.

 

So, can you trust someone again? I think, and hope, and pray that you can. If not, then I'll have to prove to myself first that I am trustworthy ... no more lip service for me. I just need to make it happen. Then, and only then, can I expect her to trust me. If she can't, then that will be my sword to bare, but I'll know in my heart that when I do give myself to someone again, it will be completely pure ....

[catfeeder]

The question is a bit too vague. I trust a lot of people to come through for me on a lot of different things. There's a huge difference between making a mistake versus blatant and deliberate disloyalty. That's a pretty big spectrum, so it might be more helpful if you'd be more specific.

[endy]

If the breakup is for reasons such as distance, timing, or other issues not getting in the way... yes. If there was lying, cheating, etc etc... then no, I really don't think I could honestly trust a person again. I may be willing to give it a shot... but that's a big reason reconciliations usually fail. When a breakup occurs mutual trust is gone not matter the circumstances of the breakup. Which creates fear, which creates poison to a relationship.

[blackhawks1287]

What are the circumstances to trust or be trusted?

[digdug]

If the breakup is for reasons such as distance, timing, or other issues not getting in the way... yes. If there was lying, cheating, etc etc... then no, I really don't think I could honestly trust a person again. I may be willing to give it a shot... but that's a big reason reconciliations usually fail. When a breakup occurs mutual trust is gone not matter the circumstances of the breakup. Which creates fear, which creates poison to a relationship.

 

... totally agree

[ForumGuy]

Basic character traits are hard to change. For example, if someone has a history of lying or stealing, they are not likely to change these types of habits quickly, if ever. If it is a one off thing, where someone made an error in judgement or an "honest" mistake, it could be just that, a one time instance. I tend to give people the benefit of the doubt the first time around for most things, but after that, I am gone.

 

Once trust is broken, I don't believe it can ever be completely repaired. Forgiving is one thing, but forgetting is quite another.

[Imthatguy]

If the breakup is for reasons such as distance, timing, or other issues not getting in the way... yes. If there was lying, cheating, etc etc... then no, I really don't think I could honestly trust a person again. I may be willing to give it a shot... but that's a big reason reconciliations usually fail. When a breakup occurs mutual trust is gone not matter the circumstances of the breakup. Which creates fear, which creates poison to a relationship.

 

Yeah I am with this. I don't think I could ever forgive lying or cheating, or at least trust the person again. But then again I am not a very forgiving person.

[Mesemene]

In my experience, the one who breaks the trust often ends up sabotaging any efforts to rebuild it as well.

 

Take my ex (please.) He cheated on me after many years of marriage. I was willing to try to get past it. He didn't want to go to counseling, and then was convinced I would cheat to get back at him - and proceeded to invade my privacy in every way possible - which shredded any hope of rebuilding much of anything.

 

I've seen people get through breaches of trust - but it takes a ton of dedication and effort, and acknowledging you're building new trust, and that the new relationship won't be the same as the old one. Not many people capable of that level of acceptance and forgiveness...

[Furtive]

No. Once you've broken my trust you've done just that, broken it - forever.

 

There are things in life, to me, that are amendable and things that are not.

 

E.g. Cheating...is not something I could EVER reconcile after. I don't care who it affects and I don't care what they say, period.

[digdug]

I've noticed that so much of this about cheating. I completely understand "trust" on that level. But, let me ask a woman's perspective on a different kind of trust ...

 

I betrayed my GF's trust in a different way. I am in the process of a divorce. The paper's are done, and just waiting to be signed. I started dating my GF about two months after I moved out. I thought I was ready as I had spent about a year and half coming to terms with the failure of my marriage, then had to come to grips that I was going to have to leave my home, and my boys, and seeing them all of the time. That was something I never thought I could get over, but I did. I decided that they deserved to see my ex-wife and I truly happy, and that I owed that to them as a father. My parents had to decided to get divorced when I was 13 but stayed together so that my brother, sister, and I could have a "family" atmosphere. The distance between my mother and father through that time taught me how marriage was supposed to be, so I thought, and by the time I was 32, they divorced. I had been out of the home so long that it didn't hit me too hard, but being already a few years into my marriage it didn't take me long to realize that my perception of marriage was wrong, way wrong. They never did much together. They were always busy doing their own thing, and occasionally we went on family vacations. It took me a long time to put the pieces together, but by then my marriage was done, I couldn't fix it because our communication was nil.

 

Fast forward to a few months ago. I moved out, I was happy and gaining my independence again. I was growing confidence, getting my self esteem back, and becoming the funny and confident man that everyone had known for so long. When I met my GF we went on our first date, and about a week later she called me and said she just didn't want to get herself into another relationship with a guy going through a divorce. She had just been in a relationship that was similar, and she couldn't go through it again. I sent her a long email telling her that I felt I was ready, and that my period of mourning was over. I knew what I wanted out of a relationship and I was committed to her. I felt that God wouldn't have brought us together if he didn't feel we were ready and that we both deserved happiness. It went on and on, and she agreed to give it a try.

 

Things were great for a few months, until my ex found out about her. By then I felt I didn't care if she knew, but she started sending me nasty texts and calling. We argued once while my GF was in the other room, there for me, but waiting for me to get off the phone. I tried to hide that side from her, because I didn't want her to think I wasn't in control of things, however the things my ex was saying were getting to me, and I started to push my GF away, thinking I was shielding her. We argued one night, after some drinking and she asked, rather, begged me to open up to her. From that day forward I did, only to a fault. She heard every gruesome detail, and was even permitted to see some of the texts. It started weighing on me more and more, and eventually she went from my GF to my therapist. At some point during this she professed her love for me, and I said it back. I knew I loved her but never wanted to say it. Not yet anyway, because I didn't want her to feel tied in, but that's when it changed. I guess that is when I started to think that my divorce was an issue for both of us. I relied on her to make me happy, and when she wasn't around I was upset, especially if it followed something my ex had done. In her words I had started using her as a "punching bag" and it wasn't fair. She still continued to try, by sneaking up behind me to give me a hug and small kisses. She still came over and we'd hold hands or softly touch each other. We were even intimate and it was fantastic as it always had been. Still, I could tell her affection was falling off, and her wanting to text me during the day, or before bed had dwindled. Last Monday night, after spending the day with her working on her business I asked her how she felt we were doing and she paused. After some conversation I asked if she needed a break. She said she was really confused. That she didn't think she loved me anymore and had felt that way for a little while. She said she had so much going on and she was overwhelmed. She has JUST started her own business. It is very labor intensive. Money is tight for her, and she has three children who I love dearly. They are 15, 12, and 10. The twelve year old is a girl who my ex is struggling with. It seems that she is good for her new step-mom in every way, however when she is with my GF she acts up, is needy, and sometimes acts out. I know my ex is concerned about her relationship with her, and it just added to the stress. Anyway, we decided to take a break, and left a lot in the air. I'm not sure if she still loves me, or if there is a wall up. Perhaps there is someone else (the previous guy ultimately got his divorce and met with my GF about a week or so after we started dating. She told him that I had stole her heart and was completely happy, but that doesn't mean he went away.). She told me that she fell in love with me because it was new and exciting. We had talked about marriage, but now that scared her to death. She also said she felt two people could fall out of love just as fast as they fall into love. I know I have wronged in this, but my love has not deteriorated a bit. I guess my feeling is that she might be saying things to protect herself because she has too, because she's not sure which "me" she is going to have for the rest of her life. I don't blame her a bit.

 

There are many things that I need to do go get my self centered. I felt good all week, and am working to make myself a better person. Not for her, but for me.

 

My question is this, if a man told you these things, and then caved because the pressures and stresses of a divorce was simply to much, could you trust him again once he HONESTLY took the time to grow from those mistakes? The man she fell in love with was me, not the man of the past few months. I am working to find him again and it shouldn't be to hard, he was just here a few short months ago. My divorce is days from being final. I won't ask her to wait for me. I think that's selfish. I just love her enough to know that even if we are ever just friends again, she can take pride in me knowing that I took this time to fix what was broken. I want her to know that what she has always wanted for me CAN come true, and will. I want her to know I was strong enough to look inside myself, and better myself. I need her to know that I do have pride, and am not the wet, sloppy mess she's seen for the past month or so. I need her to know that I'm not a jealous person, but was just so self absorbed with being miserable, that is she was out having a good time, I wasn't happy for my own sad selfish reasons.

 

Could you trust again under those circumstances?