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Can NC work when the ex says...

resmarted

By resmarted
in Getting Back Together

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resmarted Explorer

resmarted

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Men are hard-wired to be jealous of their mate having sex with anyone else. It has to do with being unsure of paternity or something. Totally normal.

 

Yes it goes away but do yourself a favor and DO NOT THINK ABOUT IT, AT ALL. It's none of your business and it will drive you nuts if you allow yourself to dwell on it. She may have sex with another guy, she may not. Whatever. She has that right. You aren't together anymore. You aren't married. She isn't a nun. It's not a betrayal of you if she does, and it doesn't mean she didn't love you.

 

Work on yourself now. Firm things up in your life -- health, schoolwork, volunteering, constructive hobbies... Channel the pain into something constructive. Anything to take your mind off her. This is a temporary setback. No one's life goes perfectly.

 

Thanks again man.

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resmarted Explorer

resmarted

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She sent me an email last night saying:

 

"We're no longer friends, which I understand, I'm not asking to be. I want you to delete all the pictures and messages I've ever given you-- and I actually mean all. If you have any love or respect for me, you won't keep something personal like that of mine. I don't want the risk of someone seeing nor do you need to look since we're not seeing each other anymore. I'm well aware exes rarely ever do such a request, but we had 11months together. I would hope you have the decency to comply with my request. "

 

 

I replied with: "I deleted them the night you broke up with me. Don't worry. I would never do something like that to anyone."

 

Did I handle that right? She was talking about nudes and whatnot obviously. It hurts that she only contacted me to make sure that they were gone. She doesn't even want to be my friend, and the breakup wasn't even a nasty one (we were both calm during it). I had no idea I was that bad of a boyfriend to her.

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SudoMB Apprentice

SudoMB

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A request is just..a request. It also means it can or can not be fulfilled based upon the person it was requested of (you)

 

"I would hope you have the decency to comply with my request." changes it from a request to a demand.

 

Did you handle it right? That's for you to decide, but she pretty much guilt tripped you into doing what she wanted, even though, she is no longer in a position to do such a thing. Mementos and photos are personal. So everyone will handle them differently.

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  • 4 weeks later...
resmarted Explorer

resmarted

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So after almost a full month NC, my ex texted me at 4:30 AM this morning. Exact message went like this:

 

Her: Hello.

Me: Hello?

Her: Lol. It's *Her name*.

Me: Oh, hey. How you doing?

Her: Pretty good. Yourself?

Me: Good, good.

Her: Lol. Just figured I'd see how you're doing. I know we're not on the best terms, but not sure if a check in would've hurt.

Me: I have nothing against you or anything. If that's what you mean.

Her: I wouldn't know. Like I said, just seeing how you're doing.

Me: Ah, well all is good

Her: I'm glad to hear.

 

 

And that was it. Since then I've been shaking and have so much hope, but I know deep down that it's probably just her feeling guilty about hurting me. I was starting to do well too, What do you guys think?

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Nagant Rookie

Nagant

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I wouldn't take as much more than her just seeing if you'd respond or how you'd react. I've had one similar text in the two months of NC I've had where she asked if I was going to a show we had planned to go to together. She didn't say anything else besides that and I read way too deep into it for a few days, ha! That show is actually today so hopefully she won't be there, ha!

 

But I know exactly how you want to read into to be more than it is, but I wouldn't take it as anything more than her being curious on how you've been coping.

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resmarted Explorer

resmarted

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I wouldn't take as much more than her just seeing if you'd respond or how you'd react. I've had one similar text in the two months of NC I've had where she asked if I was going to a show we had planned to go to together. She didn't say anything else besides that and I read way too deep into it for a few days, ha! That show is actually today so hopefully she won't be there, ha!

 

But I know exactly how you want to read into to be more than it is, but I wouldn't take it as anything more than her being curious on how you've been coping.

 

What should I do? Should I text or email her and tell her it's best if she doesn't contact me unless she wants to work on "us"? Or just leave it as it is and go back to NC.

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EgoJoe Apprentice

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I have been there. Just a week from last friday and the content for me was way worse and insensitive. I won't say what it really said but this is one thing among many that I gathered from the INTENT as opposed to the content.

 

"Me. Me. LOOK AT MEEEEEEEEE. Phrase to jar a response from you because you're ignoring me after being so congenial, mature and respectful because I didn't follow up and currently communicate like a retard.

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resmarted Explorer

resmarted

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I have been there. Just a week from last friday and the content for me was way worse and insensitive. I won't say what it really said but this is one thing among many that I gathered from the INTENT as opposed to the content.

 

"Me. Me. LOOK AT MEEEEEEEEE. Phrase to jar a response from you because you're ignoring me after being so congenial, mature and respectful because I didn't follow up and currently communicate like a retard.

 

Do you think I should text her and try and start a conversation?

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EgoJoe Apprentice

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Ok, here goes. Lets roll this back to the pictures request and break it down. (I'm familiar with your story that far and may read more here in a bit.)

Her: Delete the dirty photos NOW!

Possible intent: Afraid of what you might do with them if you find out something unflattering or hurtful. THIS IS JUST A POSSIBILITY!! Do not think about this beyond that aspect.

Possible intent #2: Lets see if I still got this string tied because I haven't heard from him.

Possible intent #3: I want to pick a fight about something to see if he cares or thinks I'm hot enough to keep the pictures despite breaking his heart.

 

GUARANTEED MOTIVE: Self-centered image control and ego maintenance.

 

I only go into that because it is going to help illustrate my next point and I want to stress that you should laugh off this behavior because it is very very pathetic.

 

4:30AM OMGizzle it's meeeeee Text: Hi, I'm alive? Did you forget? I know you love me...flatter me by paying me attention.

 

It's easier to see the intent behind the AM texts because of the language and her approach. She was probably a little buzzed (maybe full blown drunk) and was slightly doubtful you had her number still in your phone. She made sure to iterate, "like I said just wanted to see how you were" which I directly translate to "Don't get any ideas I'm just being nice and I wanted to know if you'd be there whenever I want to be caught and picked up from my freefall."

 

I could continue to dissect but I think you could probably gather the rest. The end result is that she's full of doubt and is wondering if she did the right thing. Nothing you say to her right now will do any good for any reason, reconciliation, closure etc. because of the Ego spin it will receive on her end. The only thing you can do that is "under your control" is to be mean to her (politely) and tell her to leave you alone. You've kind of blown that opportunity for now BUT because you've been so nice and congenial the next time you hear from her (and I'm 99.99% sure you will) you can take the high ground and simply say, "Look, I've been nice despite the facts. Where is your self-respect? You're not fooling anybody but yourself. Leave me alone."

 

 

Your Ex is being a young and dumb kid. She's not evil just borderline retarded at this age (guessing 20-25 but betting on 21-23ish) and I want you to know that she respects you and your opinion of her for atleast one reason: it's validating in a positive manner (this could stem from a selfish intent) and the other reason is that she has emotions with regard to you that she's clueless about and is denial of. (This seems to be the case but it's hard to say having no knowledge of her or your situation, it is the case for me and I'd give you 75% certainty on yours but I'm going to leave it to you to decide on the other 25%)

 

Questions?

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resmarted Explorer

resmarted

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I'm not too worried about the time of the texts. She always had a weird schedule where 4:30 AM for her is 4:30 PM for other people. She is 21, yes.

 

Other people have told me that part of the reason she contacted me was because she wanted to see if I had changed at all. After all, the reason for the breakup was my dependency and clingyness. Do you agree with that at all? The fact is though, that I have changed, despite still having feelings for her, I feel like a different person than I was a month ago.

 

I tried keeping my texts back to her short and not leaving them too open for replies.

 

Are you saying that she's not 100% sure that she made the right choice in leaving me?

 

Also, if she does contact me again (knowing her, I don't think she will), I'll find it hard to be mean. I'm not a mean guy even to the people I hate. What if I said something like "Look, unless you have changed your mind about "us", please restrain from contacting me again". ?

 

Thank you, by the way.

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EgoJoe Apprentice

EgoJoe

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Of course she isn't 100% sure her contact reeks of ego posturing and self-convincing. Whatever you say helps "prove" it to her in one way or another.

 

You being super negative and butthurt: See I'm better off without him.

 

You moving on fast: See I never mattered that much to him.

 

You begging for her back: Look at how pathetic he is!

 

I highly doubt this early in her personal growth period (that is what it is in the long run) that she is thinking about "checking in" to see change. I'm almost certain she'll contact you again but it will probably be awhile. I'd ignore the next one unless she escalates and then tell her off. The tell off I gave you is a healthy way to set a boundary and show her you're nobody's fool or * * * * * .

 

Last note. I don't care what her schedule is. 4:30AM is not an appropriate or respectful time to text someone who she is concerned with annoying or looking bad in front of (currently, because she is riding off of your begging high and wanted another dose or wondered why you hadn't tried again). You need to ignore or tell her off (depending on what she does) so she A: Leaves you alone so you can heal or B: Starts to introspect

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resmarted Explorer

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Going through the exact same thing, man and I know better. Just had to speak to one of my sources of advice. Those emotions can really * * * * with your head. Fight it. Don't contact her and don't bother lashing out. It does no good.

 

Thanks man.

 

I don't really have any urge to contact her, but I keep checking my phone and email hoping that she will text me again or send an email, lol.

 

I had always hoped she would contact me like this, but now that she actually did, it BLOWS.

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Nagant Rookie

Nagant

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If you had any kind of fulfilling relationship, with some sort of depth, for an extended period (and the breakup wasn't terrible in itself) than I can't see how a person wouldn't miss the individual they left in SOME way. If that were the case then I would be THANKFUL it ended because there was nothing there to begin with!

 

The problem is that once the dumper makes up their mind they have probably thought about it for awhile. For example, my ex told me she was thinking of dumping me in May, but stayed with me for an extra 3 months to see if it would work out and because I got a job in the area and still had to live with her. So even if they do miss you (which is a possibility for sure) they don't want to go back on their decision because they've had plenty of time to stew on it and don't want to get back together solely because of the emotional attachment they feel. That's more or less what my ex told me after we broke up the second time and I tried to explain why we shouldn't break up again (bad idea by the way, ha! Don't recommend it).

 

Just keep up the not talking to her or responding to her little texts about nothing. If my ex does that again I'm not going to say anything. You don't owe jack to her anymore because she left you. If that's what they wanted then they will have to live with it. Why would they deserve to check in on you? They don't. At all. Don't feed her ego. If she really wanted to get back she will probably initiate. But of course don't count on that at all.

 

That seems a bit harsh looking it over, ha! But anyway keep up what you've been doing (except for responding to that message) and things will improve. Especially if you TRULY try to make an effort to let go. I know I have and I do feel better. When she does contact you, as you've felt, it will flare up again. However the feeling will go away after a few days. Good luck man!

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Jim Wormold Contributor

Jim Wormold

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Yeah. I know. Boy oh boy, they never told us how crazy females could be when we were kids. Talk to your Pops if you can and ask him about the sheiza he went through. He'll probably be glad to help. If he isn't available try an Uncle, Old Brother etc.

 

Part of my learning experience in this has been not to ask advice from friends or family. For me it was a big big mistake. Had I not

spoken to my aunt and instead followed my gut instinct...or should I say my heart....I would not be sitting on this board now.

 

It was a moment of weakness towards the end of 8 months of long distance relationship, when I asked her advice. Completely ignoring

the fact that her marriage is a farce, the family on that side are all so so messed up and cold. My father's side of the family is a nightmare

and I am fighting withh all my being not to follow in their footsteps. Yes, yes, I know what they say - dont care- will not be me.

 

I cannot really be bitter about it because it was my fault to be influenced by her. Problem becomes more complicated

as they try to assume a confidant role, which you then have to tactfully get out of.

 

After the break up I spoke to a friend, he suggested telling her how bad I felt. Duh. But on the whole I did say some good things

to her and her mom, I only realised later here were good strategies. So, I am ok!

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