Can NC work when the ex says...

[resmarted]

My ex gf of almost a year broke up with me earlier today. I'm completely devastated and have been crying for hours. I don't have friends at all, so I really have no one to talk to. I just miss her..

 

During the breakup, she said things like "I still love and care about you, but it just isn't working out" and "I don't think we'll ever get back together", etc etc. Are these just normal breakup statements?

 

Does her saying these things ruin any chance at getting back together? I am going full NC starting now, and have deleted her number, deactivated my facebook, etc.

 

 

Some other details: We were long-distance, there was nobody else, she has been under a lot of stress lately, her friends were kinda edging her on to break up with me. We talked everyday for hours for over a year, we never really had any time apart.

 

I am 19, she is 21.

[resmarted]

She just texted me saying..

 

"Thank you for supporting me emotionally and financially, I hope you don't hate me when you move on, you're in college so have a good time"

 

Paraphrased of course. I didn't respond and deleted the text right after I read it. What does this mean, if anything?

[SelinaSmile]

It means she's human and is feeling guilty for hurting you.

 

Do people say that and change their minds? Of course they do. People change their minds all the time. But you (and I) need to move on with your life. I want to say that since you are so young, you REALLY need to move on, but the heart wants what the heart wants right?

 

So just look at it this way: heal yourself and move forward so that 'if' time in the future, you are more attractive to her. People want to be with happy and confident people, not people who are barely making it day by day.

[resmarted]

It means she's human and is feeling guilty for hurting you.

 

Do people say that and change their minds? Of course they do. People change their minds all the time. But you (and I) need to move on with your life. I want to say that since you are so young, you REALLY need to move on, but the heart wants what the heart wants right?

 

So just look at it this way: heal yourself and move forward so that 'if' time in the future, you are more attractive to her. People want to be with happy and confident people, not people who are barely making it day by day.

 

I know I had been very unattractive over the last few months of the relationship. I was clinging to her, and depended on her. Didn't hang out with people outside the relationship, etc etc.

But I still have hope.

[SelinaSmile]

I know I had been very unattractive over the last few months of the relationship. I was clinging to her, and depended on her. Didn't hang out with people outside the relationship, etc etc.

But I still have hope.

I hear ya. As much as I shouldn't have hope, I still do. Let that hope get you to the gym. Let that hope help you find a hobby. Let that hope get you out of the house and make some friends (check out link removed). As long as you sit there and feel sorry for yourself, you aren't going to be with her or anyone else.

 

I know it is easier said than done, because I am sitting here feeling sorry for myself. Have for the past two months. But I know what I have to do. It is a matter of being fed up with the attitude and doing something about it. I wish I had all the answers for you. I wish I could wave a magic wand and make it all go away. Hell I wish I had a time machine!

 

I've hired a life coach and she's helping me make baby steps. As simple as taking a shower and going to the store. Make a master list of things you want to get done. Then make a smaller list of things you can do 'today'. Just the feeling of accomplishing something will make you feel better.

 

Good luck!

[resmarted]

Thanks for the replies. Good luck to you too! PM me if you ever want to discuss either of our situations

[SelinaSmile]

No problem. And I have no idea how to PM on this forum. I went to your profile and there was not that option.

[resmarted]

No problem. And I have no idea how to PM on this forum. I went to your profile and there was not that option.

 

I just click on someone's name and click "Private Message"

 

Although for some reason I can't send you one, hmm

[SudoMB]

Long distance, spoke for hours on end almost ever day...that aspect mirrors my situation with my ex.

 

I won't make guesses at the quality of your communications, but I'll share with you my own insight and concerns I had.

 

When we started it took me awhile before joining her on skype, from there our relationship went into overdrive mode. It was great, but at about 7 months out, I started to get concerned that the quality of the communication was lacking, that I was becoming her comfortable 'white noise'. This aspect of the communication, I feel, is what led to the subsequent fights, since my need of a quality connection with her was constantly being tested. And led to me breaking up with her after 2.5 years. The joblessness and depression were just icing on the cake.

 

So maybe its a communication thing, maybe its more, I'm sure you have a hundred questions, I know I still do, but am slowly starting to accept the fact I may never get those answers.

 

But start asking yourself some hard serious questions, and visit some relationship sites, read some books, get your mind off things.

[resmarted]

Honestly your situation sounds exactly like mine besides the length of the relationship. Communication started to fade after some months, and I got concerned. Then things just went downhill from that point.

[SelinaSmile]

I just click on someone's name and click "Private Message"

 

Although for some reason I can't send you one, hmm

Yeah that is not an option for you either, and I couldn't find the setting in the control panel. If you have some time, as it is a long post, here is my story:

 

[Thorshammer]

Yes, this is the typical breakup with a man. We get clingy, needy, and desperate around them. We lose our value; which is a way to say we lost attraction. All this breeds and displays insecurity, and the more they push away from this unattractive behavior, the more we act this way. I also stood home, displayed these traits, and my ex said everything yours did exactly.

 

Go no-contact, that will help not only heal, but also might erase her perception of you being needy (you arent needing her if you arent contacting her), you arent desperate (desperate is begging and pleading, they dont hear you saying that, they dont dwell on it) and clingy (you arent clinging on her when you are alone away from her). This disappearance might set off attractive triggers if you go out and have fun, if you return to who you were when she did like you, and i am sure who you were wasnt who you are now.

 

Its been 3 months and i havent heard from my ex, though she did get into my facebook, drop a quote on her page as a reply, then returned again to my fb several times until she locked it by getting on her cellphone. Now she deleted her quote, erased her name from search on fb, and that was that. Either she got mad at all the female attention im getting, or she got upset at me saying that she might have decieved me, or cheated on me.

 

So, in some ways, you are still in their mind. I didnt take this fiasco and run with it though, because i see no commitment on her part besides reading my private messages, so you shouldnt either unless her messages become obvious, if you chase at small breadcrumbs, you will again display needy and desperate traits. You have to go no-contact, its the only way they can miss something; because when you arent there anymore, they have to think if they made the right decision on their own.

[SudoMB]

Honestly your situation sounds exactly like mine besides the length of the relationship. Communication started to fade after some months, and I got concerned. Then things just went downhill from that point.

 

I don't know if its repairable or not.. I'm in the process of trying to find the answer to that. Although the wiser heads in the world will say "every relationship is different, so your mileage may vary".

 

Communication is so vitally important, I knew this with our relationship, and if I had to do it over from scratch, I believe I would have picked up another webcam sooner. Voice, emails, texts, they comprise such a small portion of what is vital for what I believe is a healthy dialogue. Even a webcam doesn't erase all the barriers, the physical contact, the presence. We had all the trappings of a marriage, with only about 5% of the communication needed. We're not even touching on the factors of communication skills that develop with a partner. Too much time together I believe also contributed to this, but then again, it was something she begged for, and felt that if we didn't the relationship would falter. A lot of lessons to be learned on both sides.

 

I'll suggest to you as well, and anyone else who might read this... read Nonviolent Communication A Language of Life. This singular book, helped me to realize what needs were not being met in our relationship, that I was unable to communicate and thus led me to feel that the relationship was not salvageable. I believe otherwise now, but only because I have started to arm myself with the tools necessary for a more enriching life with someone else.

 

Good luck to you.

[resmarted]

I thought I was getting better but then I slept..I had so many dreams about her, about what we could have been, or what we were. I miss her so much, I would die for her.

[EgoJoe]

You'll get better. She was actually very civil and cordial about it. She's young, man.The relationship wasn't that long so your needyness kinda * * * * ed it up.

 

There is hope, hope for you to do better, hope for a twist of fate and hope for so many other things. But do not let that hope keep a cord of attachment going between you and your Ex. Visualize yourself cutting that cord and being happy and single. Visualize yourself marrying another woman. Let go of all of the perceptions. Read your ass off and learn the lesson of never making a woman your whole world because...deep down they can't deal with being that. They handle the bulk of the emotional burden so to handle decision making etc. is too much. It's a MAN's job to run the romance, sex and love department. Sometimes that means DENYING her when she's acting faulty.

 

Remember in the future that even if a female is going to leave you that your heart will still beat, the world will still spin and tilt on it's axis AND * * * * * es will still be tripping, haha the last one is just a joke...I swear.

 

We're here for you bro.

[resmarted]

Thank you, it means a lot for someone to say that.

 

I know where I went wrong, I DID make her my entire world. That had to have been the real reason for the breakup right? I was needy, clingy, smothering, you name it. She once told me after a fight that I wasn't as independent as I used to be, she's right. But, how can I get her back even if I changed (which I will)? She's already moved on from me, probably doesn't even think of me anymore.

[AutumnBorn]

She broke up with you today...

 

 

 

And you think she probably doesn't even think of you anymore? Do you seriously think she's that shallow?

[resmarted]

She broke up with you today...

 

 

 

And you think she probably doesn't even think of you anymore? Do you seriously think she's that shallow?

 

Idk.. I just remember how she was when she broke up with the guy before me. Although..She did say she loved me, and never loved him. But, I don't know.

[Thorshammer]

I thought I was getting better but then I slept..I had so many dreams about her, about what we could have been, or what we were. I miss her so much, I would die for her.

 

I dreamed about her too, now I dream about fighting zombies.

 

I told her and felt I would die for her, now I would even sweat to walk toward her unless she made me a sandwich.

 

It gets better with time. And dont worry if shes thinking of you or not, what would that accomplish... giving you hope? Hope will prevent healing and keep you heart-broken and coming back on this site asking, "what havent I moved on yet?"

 

Take it from me, I been with many women, and my last ex was better quality in everything. I was hurting bad, because I lost hope in a good one that was actually attractive. But I had to lose hope, destroy any thoughts that returned me to being hurt over her, and move. The first few weeks, let it all out. Realize shes gone, you are alone, etc. and mentally think of it as forcing love withdrawal so that later on you can get better.

[resmarted]

I think my biggest worry is never finding someone who shares the same interests as I do. We were really a perfect match in that regards. I wish I could focus on the negatives of being with her, but it's really hard. I keep thinking of the positives (first half of the relationship).

 

I can't help but hope she comes back for another try, but I know it probably will not happen.

[Thorshammer]

I think my biggest worry is never finding someone who shares the same interests as I do. We were really a perfect match in that regards. I wish I could focus on the negatives of being with her, but it's really hard. I keep thinking of the positives (first half of the relationship).

 

I can't help but hope she comes back for another try, but I know it probably will not happen.

 

We ALL think of the better times with them. I think of the laughs, the jokes, the hugs, etc. Eventually you think about them less, you shift from an emotional level (you arent not even thinking that she left and wont come back so much, you focus on the pain and the love and the hope), then you switch to the logical (which is the opposite, she left... and she didnt come back, wait...she really did leave me, what?). Its an on-going cycle back and forth, and eventually you will lose the emotional weakness, and realize that you have to move on.

 

No one can guarantee you that you will meet someone better, but I can guarantee you that if you think you will not find better, and will purposely think she is the best, then you will not find better, and you will be stuck. The best is the one who stays, the best is the one who can not leave you. It should be in the dictionary; your best gf or whatever, is the one who stays and keeps loving you.

 

Just dont be ashamed, dont think negative about yourself, just go through the emotions. There are many people right now feeling what you will feel. You were courageous enough to put someone in your heart despite the risk of being hurt, be courageous enough to let go and move on.

[resmarted]

I guess there was a lot of negatives..

 

She wasn't affectionate to me, she didn't appreciate what I did for her, there was no sex at all, she was constantly telling me things that I was doing wrong in the relationship, she had to ALWAYS be right, every fight ended in me apologizing even when I KNOW it wasn't my fault. We only talked about her, never me, whenever I tried to talk about me, she'd give me one word answers and not give a damn.

 

There's more too. Even with all of this, why do I still miss her? Why can't I get over her easily?

[Nagant]

I guess there was a lot of negatives..

 

She wasn't affectionate to me, she didn't appreciate what I did for her, there was no sex at all, she was constantly telling me things that I was doing wrong in the relationship, she had to ALWAYS be right, every fight ended in me apologizing even when I KNOW it wasn't my fault. We only talked about her, never me, whenever I tried to talk about me, she'd give me one word answers and not give a damn.

 

There's more too. Even with all of this, why do I still miss her? Why can't I get over her easily?

 

Same feelings man! I know for a fact that my ex isn't the girl for me (based on stuff she said the FIRST time we broke up, ha!), yet even this second time I still miss her and sometimes want her back. In our minds we tend to really make that person seem like the only one for us because they were such a huge part of our lives. The key is to realize and accept that right now you can't think 100% logically. You just want the feelings you had when the relationship was at it's best points. When I think of happy times in the relationship I want her more. Then I have to remember we broke up for a reason, and that there are alot of things that were also wrong between us. It'll take time but you'll start to feel that way too. It's been 4 weeks since I've even seen my ex in person, and almost 2 weeks since I stopped trying to talk to her and I do feel better.

 

The hardest thing is dealing with your ex not contacting you and moving on earlier than you. But they have a headstart. My ex said she was considering the second breakup in May, so she has had many months to think about this. I just remind myself of that when I start to feel badly and realize that in a few weeks/months I'll feel exactly the same way. Hope this helps!

[resmarted]

Your situation sounds similar to mine. I think I only miss her because of the good times we had. To be honest, I wasn't happy the last 3-4 months of our relationship. I was just trying to hold on to hope that things would get better in the future with her. I really didn't deserve to be treated like she treated me, but I still was so in love with her. She was EVERYTHING in my life, which made our relationship toxic. She expressed that many times, but it never changed. Oh well, if it wasn't meant to be, then it wasn't mean to be, you know?

 

The first time my ex and I broke up (almost 3 months ago), I was so happy to get back together. However, the issues that caused the breakup were still there. After the breakup, I would overanalyze everything in the relationship, all her actions towards me. I would judge if she was still in love with me or not. Often times I thought it was the latter, and apparently, I was right.

[Nagant]

Same situation man! We got back together after 4 months of breakup (and living together!) and everything was great for a couple months, but I slowly reverted back to my selfish ways as time went on. The last 2 months before the 2nd breakup I KNEW things were wrong. She told me she was upset about choices I was making and I just didn't do anything to change it. I don't know why, but there must have been a reason. I just figured since I was moving home at the end of August the long distance between us would work in our favor and give us time to rebuild. However, she didn't feel the same way and broke it off right before I moved home.

 

My problem was more the opposite from you in that she wanted me to do more with her (and felt she wasn't important to me), but I made decisions based solely on what I wanted. Now I'm single and should be happy I can do whatever, but at first I wanted the relationship back instead! Funny how that works. I think when I do have the desire to be back with her it's a combination of the love I did have and a desire to change the problems that occurred to make it work. However, it's also just jealousy of any relationship she may be forming already, missing the physical aspects of the relationship, and the general change in routine after a breakup occurs. Doesn't help that she was my first long term girlfriend, ha! I do miss her, and I know I will, but it's best to accept that it wouldn't have worked in the long run. I just remind myself "What if she'd just stayed with me and then broke up with me in another 2 years, or 5 years, or after we'd been married!". Better to have it end now before being even MORE emotionally involved. I do wish it could have worked, just as you feel now too I'm sure, but sometimes it's best these things end before it's even more difficult to see them through.