Can NC work when the ex says...

[Thorshammer]

When a girl complains about you; thats either a clear sign that its not working out, or shes pushing you around to test you. Both are equally destructive. In my experience, the one about it not working out has a better chance of success of working through it than being pushed around and GIVING in to her when she pushes. Unless you really are at fault, do not give in, stand up for yourself, you are a man, stereotype has us branded as leaders who control our emotions to certain people, you fall off that archetype, then you will lose attraction rapidly. Hence why sex suffers from this, its losing attraction that screws us up (and also needless fights sap attraction for both).

 

Some women, mostly the immature ones, want to start stupid fights to get attention, this comes from insecurity, or they want an ego-boost, I even read that its an old tradition where women test their man to see if they can protect and provide for them in the harsh conditions they used to live in.. or maybe they just go crazy. Whatever the reason, dont give in, once you give in, you will look ugly. Every time I stood up for myself, despite the crying and yelling, she was attracted to me like crazy. Fold your arms, sit down, wait for her to finish, and cool and calmly ask her what the point was, and that none of this is needed. This is why some men get labeled "jerks" and then we get this assumption that nice guys finish last and jerks always get the girl, but these "jerks" get this title labeled wrongly, because some (not all) women start getting into fits and the men dont give in. So, in some cases, its the womens fault.

 

3 years I was with her, last year I gave in and stopped acting as what I thought at the time was a jerk... Reason for break up i suspect it was loss of attraction, because i started giving in. Now, this doesnt mean you become an actual jerk, if you do something wrong, admit it, apologize, dont lose character, thats unattractive in every part of the world.

 

Regardless, that was dysfunctional. Your ex's will have to get a real class act to even get a happy relationship if they have fits like that. My ex was with men who she also got into fits with, and they all LEFT HER for someone else, or they used her for sex because they couldnt stand her. Here i come, hard as nails, then my life goes into a funk, i get needy and give in, and boom... the only one she breaks up with, lol. Luckily I am healing enough to laugh at that stupid fiasco.

[resmarted]

Thank you both. I'm hoping I learn from this and be an improved person in my next relationship. Though I wish I was still with her. It's only been a little over a day and I do feel a bit better.

[EgoJoe]

There you go buddy! You're in a good spot man. She was civil about it and didn't use cliches. She tried to kill all hope in you and herself.

 

Find the good and stay no contact!

[resmarted]

There you go buddy! You're in a good spot man. She was civil about it and didn't use cliches. She tried to kill all hope in you and herself.

 

Find the good and stay no contact!

 

I have the strongest urge to contact her, just to see if she misses me, and maybe to do a little begging

[Hastyhand]

Dont do it!

I had a bad day yesterday - I saw my ex ..yesterday by coincidence.. now it keeps bugging me a little.

Just whatever you do - do not contact her.

 

 

Begging and asking if she misses you sucks..it makes you unwanted and unattractive..and you do NOT want that to happen.

Believe me - I did it aswell..and it was wrong.

 

Keep it cool and try to focus on other things.

[resmarted]

I keep imaging her contacting me via text, email, or call, and saying that we need to talk and that she wanted to get back together. Like she just needed a little space or something. But, I know this is not going to happen, but I can't help thinking of it.

[Hastyhand]

I do it sometimes aswell.

We just have to find a wey to let go..it`s not easy at all..but let`s hope we will reach to that point.

eventually we will..it just takes some work. Time alone doesnt help.

[resmarted]

I do it sometimes aswell.

We just have to find a wey to let go..it`s not easy at all..but let`s hope we will reach to that point.

eventually we will..it just takes some work. Time alone doesnt help.

 

Is thinking and hoping like that unhealthy for moving on?

[SudoMB]

Is thinking and hoping like that unhealthy for moving on?

 

Everyone works at their own pace, and finds their own methods.

 

Moving on..is, well, just that. Learning to accept the that things might not be what they were (most definitely shouldn't even in a reconciliation), and feeling better about yourself.

 

Take this time to keep yourself so busy that you don't have time to think of her. Work more, play harder, do what you can to keep your mind and thoughts off her. If that means you leave your phone locked up, or in a harder to reach place, to resist the urge to constantly check for her texts, do so.

 

If you're into reading, self help books, or want to generally understand yourself or your role in the situation, do it, start going to the book stores and just spend time doing things.

 

The worst is when you're home with nothing to do....so yea. Focus on yourself. It's hard but I'm managing...

[resmarted]

I'm starting to wonder if it's HER I miss, or if it's me not wanting to be alone. I think I just want someone to say "I love you" to, and someone I can open up to, and they to me. Does that make any sense?

 

The reason I think this might be it, is because I was always trying to be perfect to get her to be more affectionate towards me (she mostly stopped being affectionate a little less than halfway through). When she showed any at all, I got really happy, and then when she backed off, I got annoyed and angry with her again.

[resmarted]

I caved and emailed her a letter...sigh.

 

Now I'm crying and a mess because I know what the reply will be like. I'm so stupid.

[Nick Lansing]

I caved and emailed her a letter...sigh.

 

Now I'm crying and a mess because I know what the reply will be like. I'm so stupid.

 

Perfectly 100% normal behavior. Don't sweat it. You got your feelings out. But please let this be the last one. Begging and guilt-tripping are major, major turnoffs. Leave her alone. You will have to suffer, but don't do it in front of her. That will help you heal and will gradually erase her "bad" feelings about you. Please, ignore her completely until 2012 at least...

 

You're really young. I had never had a real relationship when I was that age. Believe me, you will meet women who will make this one look like ****! Lots of them.

 

Grow from this. Never again let anyone be your whole life. You can love someone without losing yourself in them. Love yourself. Now is the time to treat yourself like gold. Eat well, exercise, study... Keep your dignity, stay busy, don't check up on her... by NewYear's you'll be a new, improved, stronger and wiser you.

[Nagant]

Ya I did the same stuff (both times we broke up, ha!). Don't feel too badly about it. Most people go through the same stuff, and if you didn't feel the urge to do this kinda stuff right now I'd actually me more concerned, ha! You will be sad for some time, but just remember to try as hard as you can to completely remove her from your life, including anything that will deeply remind you of her. This will help the healing process so much. For me, I'm just worried what will happen when I see my ex in person again! She lives right next door to my best friends still in college (so are also her friends). I've been avoiding visiting them for just that reason!

 

Anyway, good luck! You can do this!

[resmarted]

Perfectly 100% normal behavior. Don't sweat it. You got your feelings out. But please let this be the last one. Begging and guilt-tripping are major, major turnoffs. Leave her alone. You will have to suffer, but don't do it in front of her. That will help you heal and will gradually erase her "bad" feelings about you. Please, ignore her completely until 2012 at least...

 

You're really young. I had never had a real relationship when I was that age. Believe me, you will meet women who will make this one look like ****! Lots of them.

 

Grow from this. Never again let anyone be your whole life. You can love someone without losing yourself in them. Love yourself. Now is the time to treat yourself like gold. Eat well, exercise, study... Keep your dignity, stay busy, don't check up on her... by NewYear's you'll be a new, improved, stronger and wiser you.

 

I try to be happy, but I just know I will never meet someone as perfect for me as she was. She had it all man. I'm not getting any better at all.

[resmarted]

Ya I did the same stuff (both times we broke up, ha!). Don't feel too badly about it. Most people go through the same stuff, and if you didn't feel the urge to do this kinda stuff right now I'd actually me more concerned, ha! You will be sad for some time, but just remember to try as hard as you can to completely remove her from your life, including anything that will deeply remind you of her. This will help the healing process so much. For me, I'm just worried what will happen when I see my ex in person again! She lives right next door to my best friends still in college (so are also her friends). I've been avoiding visiting them for just that reason!

 

Anyway, good luck! You can do this!

 

Luckily for me we live in different states, so I don't really have to worry about seeing her somewhere in person. The hardest part of all this is imagining her with other guys. It's eating me up inside the most of anything,

[Thorshammer]

I try to be happy, but I just know I will never meet someone as perfect for me as she was. She had it all man. I'm not getting any better at all.

 

I thought about that too for a chick that liked to dominate and get all mean. They had us chase, we never really had them, its like going out with a girl for the first few dates over and over. We dont have them, we continue to chase. I thought she would be my best too at that time. Now, she is no where near the lineup with the women I have been with. And when i see those traits she had in someone else, I WALK. I saw that today in an aim convo with a woman i met in a club a few years ago. I told her to relax herself because I remember she was was an annoying brat. That just turned the fool on, she always returns every year to ask me out. They seek the powerful man that wont give in to their nagging. And I dont want to play the role of the careless and unemotional man with these kind of women 24/7 for the rest of my life, so i take it for about a week and tell them i had enough.

 

They have issues, they like to play games and push men, and when the man shows weakness, they lose attraction and they are out! You will with experience learn to avoid these women, or if you are like others, you will just sleep with them and leave. I dont want to go "off" because this isnt typical of this forum, lol. Those kinds of women are hard to be with, so they get constantly used until they mature and get that crap out of their butt.

 

Take it from me, your eyes will open.

 

And dont send her any messages. A women who pushes and tries to dominate are the first to lose attraction for weak and needy men. It might be hard to understand because you are not the dumper, but you have to do it and move on.

[resmarted]

Thank you.

 

To be honest, I don't think I want to be back with her. It was fun during the honeymoon period, but then after that I was unhappy for many reasons. (Why is it that I can only think of things during the honeymoon period? There really wasn't any good memories in the 4-5 months following that). Maybe I'm only feeling this much pain because she was my first serious girlfriend?

 

I'm hoping someday I'll find someone who respects me and appreciates what I do for them. I know I'm a good guy. Plus, I just turned 19 in June, that's still considered young in the dating world, right?

 

She didn't respond to my email, and I know she's read it. I think the best thing to do now is NC for good then?

 

I wish I could stop putting her on this pedestal and realize she really is no good for me. Any tips?

[Thorshammer]

Thank you.

 

To be honest, I don't think I want to be back with her. It was fun during the honeymoon period, but then after that I was unhappy for many reasons. (Why is it that I can only think of things during the honeymoon period? There really wasn't any good memories in the 4-5 months following that). Maybe I'm only feeling this much pain because she was my first serious girlfriend?

 

the first chick I had was not attractive to my standards now. But I felt it HAAAAAAAARD, because she was my first. It might have something to do with the ego, first chance at love and it blew up in your face, how can that not hurt? She will be a faint memory in time. I had a few of those back to back after my first, and they are all funny jokes i tell my friends now, they never believe i was so weak and played.

 

And you will see in time that she had issues. The mean chick i went with was sexy as hell, and the sex was off the wall (and to be honest, she still tops that with every women i was with), but she was annoying. Being with better higher valued women shows that. She chased me for a bit here and there, and i ignored her. If I was a vicious cold dude, I would have slept with her and bounced, but i didnt want to hear her mouth.

 

 

 

I'm hoping someday I'll find someone who respects me and appreciates what I do for them. I know I'm a good guy. Plus, I just turned 19 in June, that's still considered young in the dating world, right?

 

 

You will, lil bud... you know why? Because now you know what you dont want, even though tomorrow you might go back to wanting her again. Its a learning experience, i hate when people say that to me during a breakup, but its true. You have ONE life, you need to taste all the food, bad and good, to know what you like and what you want, you wont be able to do that with the first chick, and i mean... its pretty obvious the chick wont last. A stressful relationship expanded for years will kill you, age you, all sorts of things can go wrong.

 

 

She didn't respond to my email, and I know she's read it. I think the best thing to do now is NC for good then?

 

I wish I could stop putting her on this pedestal and realize she really is no good for me. Any tips?

 

Time, thats it. You have it right in your face that she is not good for you, but you arent SEEING IT, your just reading and quoting the words. It doesnt sink in because you are thinking emotional, and not logical. Just go through the withdrawals and realize we all go through the hurt, and this might be the last, or one of many. You are 19, i dont even remember how the girls i was with looked like. For all you know in time you might be the one cheating, or breaking hearts. I am not the same man i was when i was 19, i would like to go in time and slap myself in the face and just leave.

 

This might sound odd, but this is the best type of break up. People here on the forums have it worse. You dodged a bullet, this breakup is easy even though you dont understand or feel it right now.

[resmarted]

Thanks for the replies.

 

I want to stop feeling this pain, but whenever I start feeling better, it just comes right back later in the day or something. And it comes back harder. I keep having hope she comes back, but I KNOW she won't. I know she won't because I know she's happier now. It's a heart wrenching feeling whenever I check my email or phone and see now messages from her. We had so much planned for the future. We already knew what our wedding was going to be like, where our honeymoon would be, our kid's names, etc.

 

I want to get over her but I just can't. I wish I could fast forward or rewind 1 year...

 

It gets tougher each day and I thought it was supposed to get easier.

[Nick Lansing]

It's because she's your first girlfriend. I did the same thing, then about 4 months later I realized I'd dodged a bullet. One day I woke up and I was over her. I met someone much better and yes, every partner I've had since then has been a much better person.

 

Oh, and next time I saw her after I got over her, she wanted me back and I blew her off. Immature, perhaps, but she had treated me pretty badly during the breakup and it felt good to have the chance to show her I'd moved on.

 

What you're going through is natural and normal. It's agonizingly painful, yes, and you've never experienced it before, but it's something most people have to go through (in my case, several times!) It WILL pass, believe me. You will grow from this and be a better person for it -- trust!

[Nick Lansing]

And if you haven't seen this already, check out this guy's story:

 

 

[resmarted]

It's because she's your first girlfriend. I did the same thing, then about 4 months later I realized I'd dodged a bullet. One day I woke up and I was over her. I met someone much better and yes, every partner I've had since then has been a much better person.

 

Oh, and next time I saw her after I got over her, she wanted me back and I blew her off. Immature, perhaps, but she had treated me pretty badly during the breakup and it felt good to have the chance to show her I'd moved on.

 

What you're going through is natural and normal. It's agonizingly painful, yes, and you've never experienced it before, but it's something most people have to go through (in my case, several times!) It WILL pass, believe me. You will grow from this and be a better person for it -- trust!

 

I think I'm glad she didn't reply to my email. I think it's the closure I needed to move on. I am not going to contact her anymore. I can get through my day fine, and I don't think about her AS often, but I still do a lot. Nights however, are absolutely horrible. I don't know why nights are so bad, maybe because everyone is asleep and I'm just lying in bed stuck with my own thoughts?

 

I really appreciate you guys replying to me, it does help tremendously. Just having people to talk to about this is making it a whole lot easier

[Nick Lansing]

Oh, man, yes, I've been there. You can't eat, you can't sleep, your heart literally aches, you cry into your pillow, everything reminds you of her...

 

But it goes away.

 

The experience is horrible, but looking back I'm glad to have gone through it. You do grow from it. It becomes a part of your life's history. I'm grateful to have had the opportunity to love someone and be loved, even though it wasn't permanent and it didn't end on my own terms. That's life. It's a cliche', but it's true: better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all. And at one time (at least) she loved you; that means othr people will too. Better people...

 

This won't break you. You're young and you will bounce back, HARD. It won't happen overnight, in fact the worst may still be ahead, but it will happen.

 

And one day you'll nod your head sagely and give advice like this to someone who'll be going through the same thing.

[resmarted]

Do the thoughts of her first time being with someone else ever go away?

 

That's the thing I'm having the hardest time dealing with. Sex.

 

And yeah, I plan to stick around here and offer my advice to anyone whether it be good advise or not, haha.

[Nick Lansing]

Men are hard-wired to be jealous of their mate having sex with anyone else. It has to do with being unsure of paternity or something. Totally normal.

 

Yes it goes away but do yourself a favor and DO NOT THINK ABOUT IT, AT ALL. It's none of your business and it will drive you nuts if you allow yourself to dwell on it. She may have sex with another guy, she may not. Whatever. She has that right. You aren't together anymore. You aren't married. She isn't a nun. It's not a betrayal of you if she does, and it doesn't mean she didn't love you.

 

Work on yourself now. Firm things up in your life -- health, schoolwork, volunteering, constructive hobbies... Channel the pain into something constructive. Anything to take your mind off her. This is a temporary setback. No one's life goes perfectly.