resentment

[pink19]

I put a post up under "Dense Fog of pain and hurt" last week and really appreciate everyone's helpful responses.

 

I find myself harboring a lot of resentment towards my ex, which obvisouly is natural seeing as though he hurt me so badly, but I am afraid. I'm afraid this resentment is going to live inside of me and never die and I will be a bitter person forever.

[auburnslp]

I have the same fear, but really...time will take this stage away eventually...no question about it.

 

I find myself hating her at times, hoping that she is absolutely miserable with her decision...and it is ok for me to feel that way now.

 

Good days and bad, and on the good days, I hardly think of her. And the truth is that as time goes by, there will be far more good days then bad, so hence, ...

 

They hurt us, sweet. It's ok to not like them. Especially when that hurt is of a blind-sided nature, undeserved.

 

I don't even question myself one bit for hating her at times. And it will pass eventually...already is diminishing for me...don't get me wrong, I cannot foresee in any way a time that I ever even want to lay eyes on her again...but in my case, that is a healthy way to move forward...

 

So don't worry, sweet...it's normal, and ok, and I truly believe it will not last...think of this-when the guy shows up that just brings you to your knees with love and passion, the memory of this guy will become totally insignificant. I have lived this and know this...

 

Good luck, and RELAX! You are perefctly ok...Michael

[light bulb]

I'm starting to resent my ex for hurting me so much. Every day, more and more, the hurt and pain change to anger. I know it's affecting my outlook on females though...I look at girls and I 'see' deceit behind their eyes. I don't think that will last though...as soon as I meet someone good, I'll start trusting again I'm sure.

[Cheeky_DeeDee]

Dear pink19,

 

You are going through something which is completely normal - we have all been there!!

 

I was really bitter when my ex and I broke up after 4 years - I went from loving him to hating him in a matter of days and that feeling lasted a whole lot longer..

 

I became bitter and I refused to get involved with anyone as I was under the impression that all men were alike & i just couldnt face going through all that hurt all over again!

 

After a year od being single, I have finally met a guy who's really nice & we are taking things easy - I am really happy and now I've even become 'friends' with my ex in a way where I can look back & not regret having spent those years with him as I learnt a lot from them...

 

It is NORMAL to feel bitter but your happiness is what counts; start being happy with who you are & the rest should come naturally - then you'll start to think what ever did you see in him in the first place!

 

Take care,

 

Cheeky_DeeDee

[pink19]

Thanks for the advice ya'll. I think I'm afraid that the anger and bitterness will take hold. My feelings at times are so strong. I just have to let myself feel thm, as hard as it is.

 

Oatmeal- i understand completely about the anger. I think that it's healthy to an extent to get the anger out. I feel better if I run for 15 miles with such a hate and anger. I get it out. Don't let it fester inside. That only makes the process worse and the pain more difficult to get over.

 

Michael and Cheeky DeeDee- Thanks for the motivation. Your kind words are helping me make it through the day. I guess it's trite, but time heals all wounds. In the meantime, I need to think about me and muddle through, good days and bad.

 

ONE DAY AT A TIME

[vimora]

These posts are helping me as well, thx.

 

I've broken up with my bf for a month now and just yesterday and today started feeling angry towards him. Thinking: he's given the best thing both he and I ever had! Hating him for being in my thoughts all the time, hating him for making me feel pangs of pain whenever I remember certains good things about us. Been trying to think of all the things that I can come with as reasons why getting back together would be a bad idea yet also wanting so bad for us to be together again.

 

But...I guess this is all part of the normal process huh? Didn't someone write about the phases of mourning a break up : something like pain then anger then some other steps until acceptance. Anyway, the anger is also kinda helping me cope, I'm using it for now for when I hear the phone ring and it isn't him on the other line or check my Inbox and there's no e-mail from him, instead of getting sad now, I get angry. Of course I'll eventually move on to other emotions but for now, this helps.

 

And I know it will pass.

 

My friends are taking me out for my b-day tomorrow (though my b-day is sat), I'm going to have a good time and try not to think of him for the entire night!

 

Anyway, just needed to vent. Thx.

[Celadon]

I hear you guys! But don't worry too much about the future or turning into a bitter old prune; it does get better over time.

 

To share from my own life, one of the things that I got angry about was that he was my best friend and then after we broke up, I felt like there was no one who knew me like he did. And we weren't talking.

 

It was like, now who is out there to connect with? I know, it sounds kinda self-pitying, but that's the honest truth of how I felt. Aside from the bf/gf part of things, it was a setback in terms of connecting with people. Heck, it takes time to develop really close friends.

 

Anyway - Vimora, I hope you have a great time with your friends!

[Fill]

vimora, I know how you're feeling. After my ex left me I still checked my e-mail and caller i.d. hoping she would leave a message or call. I wouldn't get angry, but I guess I felt disappointed when I found nothing. Well one day she did end up e-mailing me and it totally threw me for a spin. I went back to square one and I was depressed for a few days. I dunno what happened in your situation, but I'm in the same position you're in. My ex left me a month ago too. Just like you I'd have those days where you think thoughts of why you would never want to get back, but your heart wants that person back so bad. I guess what we both have to do now is learn to let go. Even though its gonna be a hard process we gotta stop checking our emails and messages on a regular basis or not check them when your mind wants you to check because you think the ex might have left a message. All the people on this fourm have gave great advice but the one piece of advice I've taken to heart is to take it one day at a time. Your mind may wander to the past or future, but try your hardest to focus on what you're doing now.

 

One more thing, happy birthday to you (although its not gonna be your bday for another 2 days =P). Enjoy your evening with your friends and hopefully that will take your mind off your ex.

[Jake212]

Its been 2 1/2 months since I got dumped, and I gone through some of the "stages of grieving". At first I didn't have a lot of resentment and anger but then it hit like a ton of bricks, it was pretty much text book behavior. I really started to hate my ex and was getting really bitter, I thought about it all the time. I really had to force myself to let it go and I still have a lot of resentment towards him but the sting is starting to go away. It takes time, effort and a choice not to feel that way. I not saying you can choose those feelings away but if you make an effort to tell yourself to let it go and keep yourself busy and take care of yourself they tend to fade. One thing I learned is you have to accept those feelings as a part of you, that you're human and will feel that way, its all part of the process of healing. What I mean is its ok to feel that way just don't let them control your life, they are a part of you but not all of you. So, share yourself with others and enjoy each moment, yes even the bad moments because they are all apart of life.

[Celadon]

There's a saying that the best revenge is to have a good life. That saying helps me sometimes when I'm feeling extremely down or bitter.

 

When I've gotten angry and resentful, it's because I felt like being dumped has made me "less than" him. Like he's better than me. I just hate that!! Especially because I know that in our relationship I was the more faithful, loving and committed one.

 

It doesn't help that he's moved on to someone else. Also, every time one of my friends says they've talked with him, that hurts, because he does have a fun personality and people tend to believe only good things about him.

 

Off topic: IS it wrong to want other people to know what kind of selfish things he did?? lol. I wouldn't do it, but sometimes I feel like it. hehehe

 

Anyway -- sometimes what helps me deal with resentment is realizing that I'm every bit as fantastic a person as he is. I just really need to believe that in my bones and not look at other people's opinions of him or me for reassurance. There's no reason to feel your ex is better than you.

 

I hope some of this helps someone.