No contact with a person who has admitted he is afraid of love and relationships

[melpa]

It has helped me to read peoples stories on here.

I was seeing the same guy on and off for 6 years, we were best friends aswell.

We broke up many times over the years because i wanted to be in an official relationship.

He admitted to me in the past that after breaking up with his ex which was about 9 years ago now that he did not want to risk getting too close to somebody again. He admitted to me in a rare conversation about his feelings that he is scared of love and relationships. About 4 weeks ago, we had a big argument as I had been pushing him to commit, his argument was what is wrong with taking it slow, that if we get together properly he does not want it to last only a few weeks or months, he wants is to work. Things had been going well, but maybe due to my own insecurities I felt that i needed the reassurance of being in a commited relationship. I have held back physically for a year now and I explained that I do not want to get involved in that way unless we are together properly. I felt we were getting closer and nearer to that stage, but I still chose to push the issue and he did his usual thing of getting angry and giving me the silent treatment until I stop going on about my needs. I waited for him to calm down and contact me, but this time, he didnt and a couple of weeks ago i found out through mutual friends that he has been spending time with another girl.

This girl is known for going from long term relationship to long term relationship and has been engaged to every guy she has been with, It hurt like hell to see that she has changed her facebook status to in a relationship. I have been told by friends that he has not changed his and has denied that they are together.

When I confronted him and said I knew, he became very angry and wanted to know who told me, I could not say because I did not want to cause trouble with the person who told me.

I was shocked by how furious he was, he reacted so angrily when i wouldnt tell him. Does he feel guilty for hurting me?

Is the anger caused by him being upset? I asked why he did not tell me that they were in a relationship and he said 'Am i in a relationship with her?'

I am ashamed to say that even after finding out about her I have continued to try and reach out to him, explaining why I think things went wrong and that I love him etc. He has not responded much at all.

On the morning after I found out I texted him and i asked him if he could answer one question honestly. Did he love me, He said Yes I did. It was very hard hearing this but made me feel a little better because he has never said it to me before. I had waited 6 years for him to admit his feelings for me were serious. I had previously said I loved him but only in text messages. People have told me that they do think that this has only been going on with the other girl since the argument we had when he wasnt speaking to me. I also know that he has been talking to me on facebook using a friends profile and pretending that he was that person, I knew straight away that it was him, but played along. A friend later mentioned that he had set the profile up on behalf of his friend and that the friend does not even know his own password.

 

Now im in a place where I feel very low, desperate and depressed. The thought of the two of them together hurts so much. I have so many questions. Is he happy? Did he really love me? How can he move on so fast and not care and not miss me? Do the last 6 years mean nothing to him. Will her giving him the physical things that i was holding back on bring them closer together and make them work,

 

I have spent so much time crying and pleading over the last few weeks. I spoke to him on the phone after I failed my driving test this week with very few faults (still a fail) and he was nice to me, it made me feel very emotional. He asked me if im going to start believing in myself now and said that i can drive and i did well.

 

This led to me pouring out more emotion saying I cant believe I have lost the person i love over something so stupid and i didnt want this to happen.

 

I know that the only way to regain my dignity and self esteem and stop the awful thoughts of them together is to go no contact. I plan to start this tomorrow. Its so hard I feel like i lost the love of my life and my best friend.

[melpa]

Its been 3 days now since I contacted him and each day that goes by I feel like he does not care about me.

I have been writing as much as I can in a note book to get my feelings out.

I keep wishing I could fast forward to a month or two from now to see if he regrets this.

I just keep thinking about the plans we had, the things he had suggested doing, a day trip to Paris, a drink at the pub where we first met, a weekend in a cottage, just wish I had those times back. I know I was trying to protect myself by not sleeping with him, and by pushing for commitment, but now I cant help thinking what if I had just gone with the flow.