Can one bad woman ruin one good guy?

[king6]

Im coming here asking for advice, solutions, things to try to get my self out of this slump of a pattern I am in.

 

Ive been single for about 3yrs now, by that I mean absolutely not so much as a affectionate handshake from another woman, not even a date, or a girl that I had any infatuation towards. I feel like Ive had plenty of opportunities..some probaly regrettable that I missed because they were so rare/out of my league.

My past ex (first gf and first of everything) left me for another guy after 6yrs and a child together. When she left, she was actually cheating on me with him before she made it final between us. She not only tore my heart out, she took everything from me. We lived together in my home, had a baby together and I also assumed to be the father of her previous child. During our relationship she was very manipulative, controlling, jealous, selfish, abusive mentally and physically. Her Family was also heavily involved in her life, and to be "nice" they are white trash system using drug addicts, and hindsight shes an exact replication of them besides the drug addiction part. I endured things in our relationship that are just down right embarrassing that I never talk about. I had always wished I had a normal GF, thats one thing I will never forget. Despite all the bad, I still loved this girl with everything I had to offer, but she was sucking the life out of me. She drove me away from my friends (witch since she left me, I now have none, and didnt gain any good ones) and turned me against my family alot. What ultimately ended our relationship ( I know this) is I pulled away becuase she was just such a horrible GF to me..she then strayed off. Witch was ok, because someone else could become her slave and Id be free.

 

It was after this, that Torment started. She jumped right into this next guy full on, and took the kids away. She declared new guy would be the kids dad, and she fought my constantly. I was put down and broke down, I felt like a bad person, a bad father.. She made me feel like I was the one that screwed it all up and lost my family. She did everything possible to make my child support obligation outrageous, It was almost half my monthly income. The last 3 yrs were me fighting with her to see my son, Working Many Jobs, MANY MANY hrs to keep afloat, fighting her in court for custody of my son because she swore Id never get more then 4days a month to see him, and a few times shed start talking to me nicely "to test the waters" to see If I still wanted her. But she didnt want me back, she just wanted to make sure I did.

This is a girl that did this to me, and told me everyday " I love you" even a few mths ago.. told me " I loved you so much".. All I could say is Really? What did I do that was so bad you stopped loving me and started treating me like you hate me, to fight to keep my son from me?. No answer, nothing. I wasent affectionate enough,and didnt marry her are the reasons why she left me she says.

 

In a nutshell, this is a breif description of the past and only relationship I had dealt with. In short, I dealt with constant emotional torment.

 

I Now know, waking up to reailty that everything we had together was a lie. I was used for 6yrs, Tormented, broke down my self esteem, changed me into this person thats stuck in a life that he never wanted to be in and all alone.

 

Heres where my problems arise. I havent been able to have any attraction towards any woman I meet. none. No desire to know anything about them, talk to them, want to call them, want to be around them.. I dont think about anyone. When I get loneseome and get that feeling I want someone, maybe Ill look at some dating websites.. I start thinking about all the things Ill have to do, and deal with, and what the end result will ultimately be. once this happens, its instinct to pull away from all situations where I could potentially meet someone or get to know someone.

I can remember a time before my ex where I desired love, to be loved, to love, have a connection, someone to hold and tell everything to.. That lingers with me now, but its over powered by the realization of just how badly a woman can destroy your life. People have been telling me to just get out and have fun, a couple casual one time hook ups.. but that is just to risky and immature to me.

My perception of a relationship is so destroyed and I know it, I was used, walked all over and kicked to the curb by someone that said they loved me and hasent showed they cared at all since and I know this was just one relationship.. that things could be different in a new one. But when I get my mind up and think "this time will be different" I get excited to go out and potentially meet someone, or be around some women.. Then when in the situation something clicks that says "play aloof and have no interest", even if they are great women. I feel like one very bad woman has destroyed one good guy.. I am a good guy, great dad,good job, good looking, own a home, live a upper class lifestyle, nice things, treat people good, help people out..etc. Some people might suggest " you just gotta make your mind up about a new relationship" its not so easy, ive tried and tried for 3yrs , Its now so embedded in my mind its second nature. Also for those that would suggest counseling - I cannot afford it. I have a social anxiety Ive also been trying to overcome, witch I felt counseling and meds might help,but I simply cannot afford to do it.

 

I considered I havent moved past my ex, partially im still hurt about her since we had a family, and the kids are confused and losing out, and shes now with someone new yet again..who she claims she loves and is actually being True to for the first time (her words), so Its a blow to me since I havent even dated a single girl..and here shes fully moved on and happy. However I have no desire for her at all, after everything id rather bash my head with a sledge hammer, the results are the same.

[Mesemene]

Just because you're "over" your ex doesn't mean you're over the hurt, anger, and emotional abuse you've been dealing with. From the sounds of it, you're still somewhat "numb" as far as wanting anything to do with a relationship. And it sounds like you have plenty of reason to be. You've been put through the ringer, emotionally, mentally, and probably workwise as well. It's no wonder the thought of a new relationship leaves you feeling cold and disinterested.

 

Instead of one-time hookups or dating, is there any outside activities that appeal to you? Whether it's with your son or solo, something that would be, well, pure pleasure. Coaching a sport team for him, camping, paintball, bowling - something with some interaction that's not focused on relationships?

 

It sounds more like you need time for getting some personal pleasure out of life before your re-energized enough to be ready to jump into the dating pool. Take your time - there's nothing wrong with not wanting to date - and down the line, sometimes it's in the most unexpected places when you're not looking you meet a friend who becomes more.

[BellaDonna]

However I have no desire for her at all

 

That is important. It means you ARE healing, and are moving on, even though it is happening slowly. I think anyone that has endured what you have been though would feel the exact same way. You are probably so afraid of getting burned again and so skeptical of people's intentions with you that dating seems like the last thing you want to pursue when you are this angry and hurt.

 

I think you are doing the right thing by being alone right now until you sort out all of these feelings and find some inner peace.

 

Also for those that would suggest counseling - I cannot afford it. I have a social anxiety Ive also been trying to overcome, witch I felt counseling and meds might help,but I simply cannot afford to do it

.

 

You might want to check to see if there are any community resources for people in your area. You might be able to find free or low-cost services, support groups, etc.

[king6]

That reminds me, what I been most after these past 3yrs is finding good friends. I havent had any luck at all. Making friends where I work is possible, but not good friends. My work seems to hire people down on their luck and stupid. Guys with drug or alcohol problems, Felonys, DWI's no licenses, living at home, no money, no ride to places, always looking for one night stands, no general interest to do things like camping, beachs, fishing, boating, .. These are the type of friends I been dealing with since my Ex- so I didnt even have good friends to take me out to have a good fun time, meet good people and forget about the ex and so on. These people only want to go out drinking on a weekend, get piss face drunk all weekend and beligerantly hit on anyone that will go home with them. Im more of a family Oriented person, Goal driven and want to maintain a respect / good image of myself.

 

Dont get me wrong, I know some good people but they are more acquaintances, I know of them and see them on occasion. Sometimes Go to a party of theirs If Im invited through my not so good friends who also know them. Ive also done my best to become better friends with those people, asked them to invite me personally, if they make plans to have group trips ( I see there vegas group trips or road trips on facebook) invite me! they kinda say ya and blow me off though. I guess I dont know how to make friends with good people and seem to attract people with problems that cant actually do things I enjoy nor want to. Witch is beyond me because I like to do a variety of things, I own a boat and love fishing, Got Jet skis, snowmobiles, Go karts, Xbox, Camper,a Motorcycle and a sports car.. All of witch Sit 98% of the year because I dont like doing these things alone All the time. Ive reached out to people asking "wanna go do this and that, invite some people to go with if ya want" 9x out of 10 they just flop on the arrangments and Im left pist off because I spent my whole day waiting excited about doing something like go bowling with a group of people..only to be left hanging at the last minute.

 

Part of whats keeping me from meeting good people and friends with same interest is im 27 and have a son, I see him about 12-13days out of a month.. Normally when I have him... nobody talks to me. I mean nobody.. Me and him just do things together or with my step dads wife who has 2 children of the same age as my son. When I dont have him, Im working.. 8-12hr days, 5-6 days a week and Its labor work so im wore out alot,.. I know its all excuses but Ive gotten into a pattern of just working and going home...to working again. I put a grand total of 3500 miles on my car in a year.. because thats all I do and work is only 2 miles away. Nobody calls or texts me during the week, no messages on facebook.. I sorta become invisible.

[BellaDonna]

Part of whats keeping me from meeting good people and friends with same interest is im 27 and have a son, I see him about 12-13days out of a month.. Normally when I have him... nobody talks to me. I mean nobody.. Me and him just do things together or with my step dads wife who has 2 children of the same age as my son. When I dont have him, Im working.. 8-12hr days, 5-6 days a week and Its labor work so im wore out alot,.. I know its all excuses but Ive gotten into a pattern of just working and going home...to working again. I put a grand total of 3500 miles on my car in a year.. because thats all I do and work is only 2 miles away. Nobody calls or texts me during the week, no messages on facebook.. I sorta become invisible.

 

A couple of thoughts on the friends.... I agree it is harder to make new friends in adulthood when people fall into their lives and schedules. You might try to meet other people who also have children. Some of my current friends I never knew until I had my son. We would meet through different community locations and then arrange play dates for the kids, etc and then we became friends. There has to be something out there for dads to connect. Maybe an activity for the child that fathers attend or a support group??? You'd find more like-minded people and less party animals.

 

Or maybe go through sports leagues or hobby/interest groups of some kind.

 

Also, some people find churches or organized religion gives them a welcoming community they get to know or "belong" to. I'm not sure if that is of interest to you.

[MaryJane2011]

From my perspective that woman is very indecent. I wonder how you fell in love with and stayed for so long with her. Ok, I know love is blind and it makes people overlook things. But I still don't understand a person with self-respect could tolerate such abusive relationships.

 

It's normal that one becomes very cautious after being burnt by a bad relationship. A guy can be damaged badly after a series of abusive relationships. But a good relationship is healing. And there are a lot of good women there. You need first believe there are good women. Then you can find one.

 

Also, did you introspect yourself in your relationship? Yes that woman sounds horrible. But a relationship is about two persons. Each has his/her share. It may be helpful to check yourself to see if there is anything you could have done better to avoid some of the problems. Then you can look at this relationship and yourself in a healthy way. Only after that you are able to have a healthy relatinoship. Healing takes time. Don't worry too much if you don't have desire for any women right now because you have not recovered from the old hurt yet.

[meoww]

I think you could find a way to meet people through sports--find a local group that you can play soccer or hockey with, or that goes biking together or something

You can also volunteer, that is another way to meet people--but no guarantees they'll be your age.

I think you should get out of your comfort zone and start attending events you normally wouldn't consider as well.

 

To get motivated--a trip is a great idea! travel alone to a foreign country, I did that and met so many cool people my age. It's easy to make connections because it's easy to spot the foreigners and the more the merrier.

Then you'll return and feel more confident about making some local connections.

[MaryJane2011]

This is exactly what I meant in my previous post. I think there is something in your characer/personality that prevents people from liking you and attracts people mentally unhealthy around you. That relationship is just one reflection of your problem. I don't know what that is. Maybe you don't know it either. So you need to figure that out. If you can not afford counselling, maybe reading a few books about social personality can be helpful.

[giubilante]

I think you need to focus on yourself for a while before you focus on wanting or trying to start another relationship. You need to focus on being kind to yourself, building yourself up, and convincing yourself you are not the [fill in the blank] that your ex told you you were.

 

I strongly recommend meds, especially if you feel you are becoming too depressed. Depression is easy to fall in and clouds your judgement and your ability to cope. If you can't afford to see a doctor, see if there are any community resources, low cost groups, etc like BellaDonna suggests.

 

In my opinion, you are far from being 'over' your ex. Yes, you no longer want to be with her, but you are far from being over the tremendous hurt she has caused you. Realize this, give yourself the space you need to recover, and move on.

[dabbledave]

I strongly recommend meds, especially if you feel you are becoming too depressed.

 

No! Not just like that!

 

I don't recommend meds; not unless you are a danger to yourself or someone else. Meds are prescribed willy-nilly these days, giving too many people who don't really need them an opt-out of dealing with their own problems head-on.

 

It sounds like you know where you are, what your situation is. Now it's a case of thinking about things differently. Because it is what we think that makes us feel the way we do. And how we feel affects everything about us and how we relate to other people.

 

Look to self-help publications, meditation, healthy diet, and exercise, and a combination of those things to give yourself a boost. Look out for community groups that can introduce you to those things. There you will meet people that you can relate to. There you will get affirmations from others to supplement self-affirmations.

 

Cheers,

 

DD

[king6]

I was 18 when I met her, her 17 with a 8mth old baby. I was young and stupid..she was my first love and first everything else. Also 6mths prior to meeting her through friends and them pushing me to her, I had depression for about a yr... When I met her I was on a fresh start but vulnerable.

 

I did introspect me self, endlessly..countless times.. Im not a saint, but in my opinion there was nothing done on my part so horrible or even bad to have gone through everything that I have. It doesnt make sense at all, the only thing that makes sense is shes truly indifferent and used me to get what she wanted. Another baby daddy to support her. Everything I done, was either in retaliation/defense to what she was doing.. Such as saying mean things, texting mean things, protecting myself by restraining her from hitting me or some of my old friends telling her off. As far as the relationship ending - I stopped kissing her and sleeping in the same bed the last 2 yrs, I didnt buy her gifts the last 2 yrs.. The significance about the last 2yrs of our relationship is thats when the conception of our son was, At that same time she left me for a week, then came back after my begging her to. 4mths later I learned she cheated during that time with her best friends husband and the child might not be mine. He actually called me and told me, and she lied about it and would never come clean or explain. I spent 10mths sticking with her wondering if the baby was mine. That ultimetly destroyed everything we had together, we also only were intimate once or twice a month.. and that was on my end because to her it was ALWAYS about having a baby. Shed try every trick in the book to get pregnant, and would cry for hrs If I wasent getting her prego.

Ive had her come back several times now.. testing the waters to see if Id take her back. 1. She dont believe I can ever forgive her 2. She says im up and down, I love her, then I hate her. Well thats true.. considering what I been through and her inability to talk about it and sincerely apologize/realize how much harm she caused me. 3. After 6yrs, I did not marry her and she didnt think I would marry her. 4. I wasent affectionette, she dont believe Im the type of person to be affectionete and she really needs alot of attention. -This is completely untrue, because I Was during our beginning years..that faded the more she sucked the life out of me. She Blames the relationship ending on those 4 things, she says I no longer have my family because of those 4 things. Always loyal, honest, trusting,a provider,.. The guy she left me for was an alcoholic and abuser, put her in the ER a few times and stole her stuff..they lasted 2yrs.. after they split.. She treats him better then she does me.

 

I have a social anxiety, in large groups, new people or unfamilar people I have a hard time carring a conversation, being interested and making eye contact. I also over examine many things, so I dont say the wrong thing or be to personal.. so I usually dont say much of anything and come accross being non interested I think. I also think mentally unhealthy people generally attrack to anyone that will let them stick around or be around them- from what I noticed

 

Im not depressed. I dont want this thread to come accross like that. Im not happy with my life, but I know what depression is..lived with it and know how to cope with keeping out of it. Ive also been doing my self for 3yrs now.. This is where its getting to be a point where im ready to reach out to other people to enjoy life with. Doing my self- I have projects I work on in the garage, things I make at work, fishing, I workout 3-4x a week, I read alot online about relationships, life, people, I always keep my self busy, but Im always alone.. Alone doing everything.

[rbsx]

No, but it can take a long time to recover the pieces of you that you feel you lost. Somehow, what you gained from whoever it is that you were dating, is ever worth as much as you lost.

[king6]

Something that im anxious about currently is tomorrow, Im being setup by my parents friends, with a girl they think is a good fit for me. Its not a official setup date though, its at a resort my family has a cabin at, and their freinds are neighbors. They want me to come stay out there for the day/night and meet this girl.. in a social setting with them. All I know about this girl is she has a kid, no pics.. no description.. nothing else. I agreed to it, actually promised to go to my dads wife, ..so im stuck going. Any advice for how I should approach this situation because I sensed my self already writing this person off before meeting her.

[Mesemene]

Approach it as meeting a potential friend or confidante instead of pressuring yourself to think of her as relationship material. She's single with a child - so you know she's probably got some baggage of her own, and may have some of the same issues meeting people. I'd just go prepared to hang out with people you do know, and see if you hit it off conversationally - don't even worry about the relationship part! Worst case - you have a nice weekend at a cabin. Best case - you may make a friend who can do some of those things with you you've been doing solo.