Dumpees who sent a letter to thier ex - what was the result?

[kk0310]

just found this thread tonight and felt compelled to reply. have been off and on again with my ex-bf. we were together for little over 2 years and engaged before we split the first time. he has come and gone from my life many times in the last 2 years, never saying he wanted to get back together, just contacting me when he felt like it, seeing me when he had the urge. i obviously contributed to this behavior because i let him do it. never NC for more than 8 or 9 days at the most, broken by either one of us at different times. i never pleaded or begged, but did write many letters different times we split up. a month ago, merely 3 weeks after he told me we didn't have the key ingredients a great couple needed, he kept calling me/texting, saying all the "right" things-- he loved me and always had, wanted to spend the rest of his life with me, etc.. i cautiously agreed to try and that lasted about 2 weeks. we saw each other twice and i was nervous and anxious about his intentions and i'm sure it came through. i tried explaining my feelings, but he told me over the phone that he felt we lost our chemistry and he felt nothing from me. i was floored (we aren't young-- i'm 41, he is 47) and very disappointed and angry.

 

sorry i got off topic but wanted to say i wrote a letter. i rewrote it about 25 times...lol. it started out angry and full of blame. the final draft was still firm and called him out on everything, but a little softer. it did say that he has destroyed my feelings of love for him and i don't regret saying that. a few days later i felt horrible so sent another one...LOL. this one apologized for blaming him for everything and explained how i needed to own up to my part in our break up if i am ever going to heal for the next person in my life. the first letter was only 1.5 typed pages and the second was less than 1 page typed. i set up my inbox to delete any emails that come from him knowing that was his most likely form of response, if he were to ever even bother. so i have no idea if he did answer and don't want to know. i love my ex more than anything and have only wanted him to come back for the last 2+ years, but i know it's not healthy and he feels i will always be there. i am in NC now, not telling him so, and feel good about it. i definitely wish i had gone NC the first time we split up but can't change the past and starting now. i am sad and miss him everyday but i need this for me to get past it. so LONG story short (haha), i say if you are 100% ok with a bad response, no response, or less likely but possibly a good response then letters are ok to send. i feel a lot better saying what i wanted to say and i wrote it for me. so good for you for sending it bc it sounds like you did it for you. at some point in this whole thing, we have to do something for ourselves bc most of the time, the dumpers are only doing things for themselves... thank you everyone for this forum..it has been a godsend.

[happyguy23]

i sent my ex a letter a couple weeks wanting to apologize for the things i said and to apologize for saying * * * * about her new bf. I told her that i changed from being me to someone weak and that shes a good person and i have never thought anything bad. I also said i hope she i happy and that she will do good at whatever she sets her mind to, and wrote goodbye at the end. She texted me back saying that the letter was unexpected and she accepted my apology and was sorry for her part and that she hopes i am happy. then texted me saying i have a big heart and never change that. I really didnt want her to respond but like three hours after her i texted thanks and that was it. Weird thing when i gave it to her i said her name she turned around and gave me this big old smile. Then i went into no contact so well see what happens.

[SoulSilver]

Hey , I sent mine a letter to her just yestarday . I guess I came to the point where I decided that if she doesn't contact me then I must give up my hope on getting together ... we broke up , still loving each other . on pretty good terms . she was just confused and needed space . I accepted it - and immideatly went on no contact , so I won't say anything stupid that will make things worse . and I guess I did make some mistakes along the way , but I tried my best on getting out of my depression and moving on with my life ...

 

Things got really messed up from her side , she has changed , started hanging out with sketchy people , kissed with a girl , even had a boyfriend for a short period of time that is the complete oposite of me ... when I tried tallking to her after some time of relaxation , in the most friendly way I could , she became really hostile , and aperantly for some reason she decided that I never really loved her , and said some other hurtful things ... all along I really was putting my life into place . believing that we will be together if it's meant to be . and that she will come back eventually .

 

Not a long time ago we met accidentally , but haven't spoke to each other , and I just felt those butterflies in me . and I know she did to . and that she still has feelings for me . and I decided that I got nothing to lose . otherwise I wouldn't think about sending a letter - because I know how dangerous this could be ... but I had to get closure . and show her that I really did love her . so I wrote this letter and put it away ... and a few days later , I had this strong feeling that I HAVE to sent it , it's now or never and this is the best timing there is .

 

So I re-wrote it , on just 1 piece of paper , and told her what I loved about her and us , and I admited that I am afraid this will push her away , which is the same reason why I disappeared from her life after the breakup . but now I understand that it's really over . and I just wanted to say thanks for everything , that I'm happy we met , and that I do not regret anything

 

I did not consult anyone before I did this - because I knew people would stop me . but it felt right . and it came from a pure place in my heart . one that might be gone now . as my anger came back while I am forcing myself to let go and that I don't want her anymore anyway because of how she has changed and hurt me ...

 

And right now I'm here just to see if it was a good\bad idea . and I guess there is no clear answer to that . but I am glad I at least tried to put a fight and be honest , one last time . instead of keep playing the "non caring" role ...

 

And yeah...I'm hurt right now . but everything is gonna be o.k

[SoulSilver]

Btw , I once sent a letter to some other ex , in person . a bit different though - one where I said how much I am sorry for my mistakes , how I will change , and things will be different . alonf with a stuffed animal heh . and she rteated me in the most abnoxious way that moment . she even said goodbye to me , with a handshake ...and it hurt , alot . but again , I felt like - at least I tried ...

 

And you know what? sometime after that she contacted me and said she is sorry about the way she acted and that it was really sweet of me . we started tallking again , and she was "testing" me , but I failed because I didn't use the no contact epriod to improve myself and get my emotions in order .

 

Then we sttoped tallking for almost a year . when she contacted me again our of nowhere , and you know what? after we tallked casualy a bit , she said she was sorry for everything , and hinted that we should give us another shot , and she still remembered every word from that letter , and kept the stuffed animal . thats after saying she doesn't love me anymore . acting really nasty around me , and being in various relationships .

 

Problem is that by then I didn't want her anymore . and realized we are too different and our relationship could never work anyway .

 

Which is the same reason I want it to end differently with my current "ex" which I really loved , and had a great relationship with . so I'm doing everything backwards , using what I learned from my past . but I guess this fate is unavidable =\

[rescueme]

I sent my ex a letter a month or so back, and didnt receive a reply,

but the next time we saw one another HE approached me and asked how i was for the first time in 2 years!!! For once it wasnt me making all the effort. So i think it helped. I explained everything, all the misconceptions that might have occurred, and told him i still care, and that i wasnt going to wait for him, that i was moving on and was fed up of him ignoring me after all we'd shared.

Obvs it meant something to him because he made an effort!!

xx

[RastaPasta]

I sent the letter hoping I would get closure but I didn't and eventually I realized it was pointless. I sought my own closure.

[Bolegged04]

Four months after B/U, I sent a text (about 4 pages) to him about my feelings and to let him know I forgave him for everything. He didnt reply right away, but when he did, he asked me to come over. I did and we talked/laughed like old times. I gave him a hug and a kiss and let myself out. I let him know that was my last time having any kind of contact with him and I wish him the best. He smiled and said, thanks. This was a man that did me wrong and verbally abused me and although it was hard letting him go, I knew I didnt need him in my life. Im much further along now, and he knows that. It felt good to see him and get it off my chest so he understands how I felt and it could never be again. It was a big relief...

[theface71]

I too sent a letter to the ex. Met her at a coffee shop because she wanted to talk about the break-up. Funny thing is she never talked about the letter or anything else but mundane subjects. Which of course made me wonder why meet with me. I guess it was to ease some of her guilt and that was all. I did most of the talking while she drew on a napkin. Now I have decided to go NC since she really hasn't said anything of any worth.

[witchychick]

I sent a letter and in it I wished him a happy thanksgiving and got no reply.

[tiger1644]

My ex broke up with me after two weeks of complete confusion on his part after an argument. He listed various reasons: you're not affectionate enough, you leave when you're mad, my family doesn't like you now, we're not compatible, etc. We were together for three years and he ended it over the phone. I went to his house a week later, upset, and he yelled at me - called me crazy, get out of my life, etc. I did six weeks of no contact and then sent him an email. My email reminisced on our good times and eventually said "I'd rather get through the bad times with you than with someone else, but I respect your decision and I'm letting you go." My ex replied within a day.

 

His email said the breakup was really hard on him and not what he truly wanted - but it was the only way so I could be safe and protected. He said we hit a fork in the road and that he feels and misses me wherever he goes. A piece of him died and was left with me - so take good care of it. He also vaguely told me to move on by saying "I hope you can find a man who can protect you better than I could." He said he knew I wouldn't understand in the beginning, but the breakup is for the best. He ended the letter saying he'll never forget me and that he loves me more. Now I have no idea what any of this means or how it applies to our situation - he wouldn't give me any clarification, unfortunately. He completely ignores me.

 

I regret sending that letter. I feel like I gave my ex the closure he needed to move on with his life. Plus, it's a lot tougher trying to carry on when your ex tells you how much he loves you and didn't want to breakup. It's been a month since that email and I haven't heard anything from him since.

[delicous]

My first break up, I sent him a couple emails some happy , some mean, some loving...I don't know. He did reply, but always in a upset way. I regretted sending them. He let me know he was getting married and is in love and having a baby, that was the last email he sent me. He wished me well, but told me we are never going to be in contact again.

 

The email I sent was more recently, My 2nd real relationship and my 2nd break up- This time I wasn't mean, pretty much sent I think 4 of them from dec-feb...No response back from any of them, I just told him happy birthday in my most recent and told him I don't hate him and still care about him a lot. Thats all I said, I wanted to go on and on, but figured he doesn't really check his email very much, so he probably won't see them for a long time, if he even sees them, his girlfriend might end up deleting them or something, shes crazy, like I am about him.

 

I still love him and don't really regret any of my emails...One of them was brutal, but if you read my last thread, you will understand why I was a quite a bit mad.

[ChewyC]

I wrote a letter to my ex 2 weeks after we broke up. It was a sort of apology/thank you letter, and I poured my heart out. I apologised for my mistakes as well tell her how much some of hers hurt me. I told her that I still love her and miss her and how I want her back one day, and I also said that I think she too has feelings toward reconciliation. The response I got was something like "Thanks you for the letter, I'll see you tomorrow ". Not quite the response I had hoped for or anticipated. I'd anticipated an angry response, but I'd hoped for a more heartfelt response here she actually addressed what I said. But she isn't one to keep quiet when she has stuff on her mind, so I think she was sincere in her response. We still talk a fair amount and we still see eachother maybe once every week or two, so I suppose I wrote the letter to get everything out in the open at once, rather than let it crop up while we're trying to enjoy our friendship.

 

sending the letter made me feel better though. It took a load off my mind and heart, and her non-angry response told me that what I wrote wasn't out of line or false.

 

I suppose it depends on what type of person your ex is though and also the circumstances of the breakup.

 

EDIT!

 

I should also add in, that I've sent her some emails too. One or two of the emails I sent were quite nice and I got thank yous for them, but most of them were just me rambling away while feeling very sad and angry, and as you'd expect, I got very angry replies.

[sunshine123456]

In my letter, I explained and solved as many misunderstanding left as I can, thanked him for the good times and how he made me find myself, wished him happiness with his new girlfriend and told him I didn't want to be friends. No response

However, I couldn't help but anonymously send him a bunch of flowers on Valentine's day(the kind that I like). No response,too.

Theoretically, I'm going wrong, I shouldn't care about him and completely walk out of his life. But my heart tells me I should give him the best that I can as soon as I don't mess with his relationship. Of course I will give up someday and the one who will regret will not be me because I have lived as I really want to

[positivity16]

My ex broke up with me because his mom died, and though we tried, he couldn't emotionally handle a relationship while grieving. I was hurt and confused at first, because I couldn't understand where he was coming from. We had an awesome relationship, and we were both happy with it. Now that I've had time to think, I realize that he still cares about me, and the break-up did not have anything to do with me. I texted him once, a few days after the break-up and told him that I still care about him a lot and that I want to be with him, and that I'm willing to wait for him to get better. He replied with a meaningful, but vague, text. I couldn't tell from the text if he wanted me to move on, or if he truly wanted me to wait. He said things that supported both arguments, and honestly, it could have easily gone either way.

 

Now, a considerable amount of time has passed, and I am still confused as ever! I initially thought I'd try to move on, because I didn't want to sit around waiting for a relationship that may or may not happen. But, I realized that I want to wait, and I wouldn't ever want to be with anybody else. In an attempt to get some questions answered and to make myself feel better by tying up some loose ends, I wrote an email (about two short paragraphs), but haven't sent it. In the email, I wanted to check in with him, so I wrote that I still think about him a lot, and I hope he's taking care of himself. I also mentioned my confusion about what he wants from me, but that I know he has other things on his mind right now and that I don't expect him to have any answers for me anytime soon. Lastly, I apologized for the hurtful, but meaningless, things I said to him in my confusion the day that we broke up. I ended the email reiterating the fact that I still want him, despite the stuff that's happened, and that I know he will get through this difficult time. I wrote that I hope to hear from him someday, when he's ready.

 

The reason I'm posting this is because I was looking for some opinions about whether or not I should send the email. I put a lot of effort and thought into making sure it isn't something I will regret sending. But, I'm still unsure if that's the best thing to do. The last thing I want to do is push him away. No Contact is my only other option, but I'm afraid that, if I do that, he may think that I have stopped caring about him and am moving on.

 

Any suggestions?

[markie6]

You would get a lot more views, responses , advice and support of you opened a brand new thread

[fabact]

I'm not a fan of the letters. If you do anything, talk. don't send a letter. anything written gets totally misinterpreted and you usually end up feeling like you shouldve added something else, or shouldve taken out a line, or stuff like that. It will give you more satisfaction if you can at least talk to the other person and say what you need to say and hear their reaction. usually when you send a letter it's because you want a reaction, and you are making it very easy for the other person NOT to react. They don't have to reply, and they usually opt not to. IF you request to talk to them, they at least have to answer to you, and you get more closure that way. That's my feeling at least. every letter I've sent I've regretted it later. I feel that I wished I could see them react to it.

[positivity16]

markie6, thank you. I will attempt to re-post as a new thread!

[maron]

it's good so far.