Dumpees who sent a letter to thier ex - what was the result?

[herewegoagain]

quintana - deep down, I know she will probably not ever come back to me. The letter is just kind of for my benefit.

[trishcollins]

I sent a card to my "ex" on what would have been our second anniversary, two months after we broke up and five weeks after I initiated NC. The card was cute but not sentimental. I wrote inside that I still think about him a lot, hope he is okay and that the kids were fine. I said I hoped he didn't worry about me too much, and that I still missed him, and hoped he was taking care of himself. That was basically it. Nothing about getting back together, or what had happened, etc.

 

I had told him I didn't want any contact from him 5 weeks earlier, unless it was to talk reconciliation. So, I did not expect a response. I was really surprised to get a "thank-you" email, so I called him. We talked for about 30 mins and I am glad I called. He sounded really distraught and said things had been rough the last two months -- which although I don't want him upset, I was somewhat relieved he hadn't blocked me out of his mind (which I really doubt he could anyway). He said he still loved me, missed me, and I was still his best friend.

 

However, it was during the conversation that I realized he really can't be in a relationship right now -- and although he had said it when we broke up, it wasn't until know that I actually really understand. He has a lot of stuff he needs to deal with and I can't be part of that (see "what are the chances"). It wasn't so much what he was saying, but the sheer "weight" in his voice. I have a good feeling we will be back together at some point, but not for a very long time.

 

I wrote the card partly for me, and partly for him. I wanted him to know I was doing okay (we have no mutual friends to report back), and I wanted to acknowledge our 2nd anniversary. He appreciated the card and as it wasn't needy and whiney, I think it reinforces how adult I am being about the situation -- which bodes well for me in any future reconciliation. I have always really known this has nothing to do with me. I could have still gotten nasty and hateful, but I didn't, I keep letting him know I understand the situation and hope it all gets sorted out at some point, and that perhaps we will be back together one day, but I said we will let fate take care of that.

 

I ended the conversation by saying that I would be going to LC (limited contact), and he would only hear from me through my jokes distribution list, but otherwise, I would live him to sort things out. That it was just easier for me to have no expectations. I did say, however, if he ever felt like calling or emailing, or even coffee or lunch a few months from now, that I was open to that. Again, I stressed I had no expectations either way, to take the pressure off. So, he now knows I am okay, that I want him to work on his issues, and there is no pressure to get back together. It was the message I wanted to get accross, so I feel like it was a success.

 

Anyway, I think if you write a letter or email, wait a day and reread it a few times, and try and think about your reaction should you get a response -- good or bad -- or no response at all. Understand WHY you feel the need to write the letter, and the reaction you are hoping for, before you send it.

 

On the down side, sometimes we need to hear bad things to finally accept it's finally over, and sometimes we have to keep proding until we get that response too. So, if you get that response, at least you know EXACTLY where you stand.

[vfunkera]

Dude you said you want to send the letter for closure, let her know how you feel, and to almost close the chapter so to speak. I would write out this first letter, and put everything you ever feel. I would then scroll it in a bottle and throw it out to sea. Write the letter, it is good for you because you are attacking your emotions head on, but don't give it to her. Pretend you've given it to her instead.

 

If you want her back, then you must be moving on, or at least showing those vibes. If you want to forget about her, you must also be moving on. The first letter will only help decrease the chances of her wanting you back.

 

This first letter letter you might give her with your emotions- sure it may get a response out of her, something like 'thank you i appreciate it'; or it may not, either way you will never likely get back with her.

 

My letter basically says thanks for all the memories, and i know we now have to move on in our separate lives, etc. But i also say that if she ever wants to talk about us again, to let me know. Or if she just needs a friend to talk to, etc.

 

So I basically said goodbye, but left the door open for her to contact me someday. Although, I do not expect any response from her. If I send it, I will never contact her again, I will do NC forever.

 

Good. This should be your second letter, giving the right impression, but after the letter, you must only concentrate on yourself. Its up to her to respond, and if she doesn't within the next month or so, then its pretty much over.

 

I was reflecting today about sending the letter, and I've come to the realization that a big reason why i want to send the letter was to let her know that I am moving on, but would still talk to her if she ever decides to contact me and talk about things.

 

The reason I want to let her know that the door is open, is because i think that she thinks that I would never go back with her after the crappy things she has done. I want to let her know that I still would. Does that make sense? Is that a bad reason to send a letter?

 

From experience, provoking to show that you are moving on to your ex usually makes you look like your contradicting yourself. e.g a member here called Daninal77 used to ring up his ex every night and tell her how he was moving on so well. It must have looked stupid.

 

Actions speak much louder then words, and its so true during a break up. Make her think you are moving on in the letter, but don't actually word it.

 

What was her reason for breaking up with you?

[herewegoagain]

vfunkera- she broke up with me because she said I didn't tell her that she looked nice enough times, didn't take her out enough, etc. We kind of got too comfortable just staying home. She started going out with her friends more and started to drink a lot more, party, etc with her friends. She is 27, and it seems like she has to sew some more oats. It's almost like she is going through a crisis in her life, even her sister told me last week how strange she is acting.

 

Another reason she broke up with me is because she found someone else immediately after (or during) our breakup.

 

Anyway, I sent the letter today. I was definitely more nice than what i really felt like saying. I did tell her that i don't appreciate the way she broke it off (another man, etc) but I said there were no hard feelings and i wished her luck, and if she ever wanted to talk, that I would be here for her, even as just a friend. So I did give the impression that although I am trying to move on, that I would still talk to her if she wants to reconcile someday.

 

That was probably a mistake, wasn't it? Is letting her know that I still care for her a mistake?

[rich46]

That was probably a mistake, wasn't it? Is letting her know that I still care for her a mistake?

Of course it wasn't!!!!! What do you mean "a mistake?" Don't over analyse things. You have sent it now and thereforeeee you should have the closure you talked about. Move on now, if she wants to talk to you she will be in touch. The pressure is off your shoulders, she knows how you feel.

 

Good luck,

 

Rich

[herewegoagain]

thanks rich - i appreciate your responses - you always know what to say. What makes me over analyze things is that most everybody says NO CONTACT, don't let her know you care, act like you have moved on, etc.

 

I will definitely do NC now and forever, but I think some people play too many games with NC. In fact, sometimes if a person does NC, your dumper may think you don't care and she will move on even quicker!!!

 

I was very polite and nice in the letter, but HONEST. If she doesn't like it, then I guess all I can say is the heck with her.

 

I know now that I've done all i can, but now I feel better because now that I'v said everything that I wanted to say (4 pages - typed) I can move on with no regrets that if I didn't have the guts to tell her how I feel.

 

I don't think the letter will really make a difference if she wants to reconcile someday. Some people say it will push her away even more but I think that if she cares, then someday she will come back, whether I write the letter or not.

[rich46]

I will definitely do NC now and forever, but I think some people play too many games with NC. In fact, sometimes if a person does NC, your dumper may think you don't care and she will move on even quicker!!!

That is a GREAT point!!! In my situation, we originally agreed to speak after one week of no contact - after we had got our heads sorted. Well we did speak and I made out I was moving on, going out etc and maintained that I couldn't be friends right now. I said I would call her when I felt more ready. It was her who was crying during that call, not me.

 

Well 3 weeks passed, and I needed the same kind of closure that you have just been seeking. So I called her. I was open and honest, and told her that I still thought about her all the time, I loved her, and I understood her need to be single while she is still young. I told her that should she have any doubts, or want to talk about us, then she should contact me. She said she definitely would.

 

That phone call, we both cried. I think she had presumed that I was moving on quite easily after that is what I appeared like 3 weeks earlier. She now knows how I feel about her.

 

Well just 10 days later she contacted me again for a pretty silly reason, which I was annoyed at at the time (although I was helpful and calm towards her). She wanted to know whether she needed an E111 form to go on a trip to Ireland. But had I not called her and told her how I feel, I don't think she would have called.

 

My point (amongst all this rambling) is that I believe she thinks more fondly of me now I have been open and honest with her, than when I was pretending to have moved on with ease.

 

So yes, I do believe that some people use NC as too much of a game. I think it needs to be done, but only after you have told your ex how you feel. It takes a big weight off your shoulders. The ex knows exactly how you feel, and so you can move on without thinking "If only I had said this" or "If only I'd have said that."

 

Hope that makes sense!

 

Rich

[herewegoagain]

Rich - Another great point. Also, all the people in this forum talk about NC and how great it is, but if it was so great, then what the heck are they doing in this forum?

 

A lot of people in this forum say they get a little call or email now and then because they use NC, but what good are all those little calls and emails?

 

As we both said, if your ex wants to come back, he/she will when and if they want to.

 

I think we all should quit playing all the games and analyzing every freakin' word that one's ex says.

[rich46]

Rich - Another great point. Also, all the people in this forum talk about NC and how great it is, but if it was so great, then what the heck are they doing in this forum?

 

A lot of people in this forum say they get a little call or email now and then because they use NC, but what good are all those little calls and emails?

 

As we both said, if your ex wants to come back, he/she will when and if they want to.

 

I think we all should quit playing all the games and analyzing every freakin' word that one's ex says.

Mmmm, I'm not sure I agree with some of the points in your last post.

 

I can't speak for other people, but I believe that No Contact is great as it gives you time to heal. I also think that it is great because it does give you a better chance of future reconciliation, although this should be a secondary reason for using it.

 

What I think you mean is, No Contact without letting the ex know how you feel first isn't so great? That making out that you are moving on with your life with ease isn't so great? If so, then yes I agree.

 

I do know what you mean though, that sometimes we need to break No Contact to make ourselves feel better.

 

Rich 8)

[herewegoagain]

Rich - you are right. I believe NC is the way to go now (it's only been 4 weeks since she broke up with me). But i just wanted to tell her all that was on my mind first - which will now make it a lot easier to do NC.

[rich46]

Rich - you are right. I believe NC is the way to go now (it's only been 4 weeks since she broke up with me). But i just wanted to tell her all that was on my mind first - which will now make it a lot easier to do NC.

Glad to hear it, I completely understand why you sent her that letter.

 

Good luck,

 

Rich

[Nap-Man]

Herewegoagain,

 

I kept looking on this forum to see if you had written it or not. I think that you made the right decision and it sounds like you did a great job on the letter. Even though we talked about how our situations were different, I still remember that sense of relief that everything was on the table. If she didn't come back at least I didn't have any "what if's" left to agonize about. I hope that you feel the same way. I think that rich gave you some quality advice and hope that this works out for you in the end.

 

Nap

[vfunkera]

Well done dude, as long as you have no regrets. Now its time to forget about her, and put your words in action. If you remain in contact with her, it will be harder for you to move on, because she'll always be in your mind.

 

Thats why No Contact is the way to go. Let your mind gradually forget about her while on No Contact. But don't let it become a passive thing either- start to live your life again, new friends, new hobbies, old hobbies, stuff you did before her and what you've wanted to do while you was with her. Nows a time to rebuild yourself in to the new and better man. Take her points and improve yourself on them and other points. Learn new things to avoid more failure in the future. Start posting here, its a great distraction, teacher, and can become addictive!

 

If you work hard at it, her coming back and/or chasing you would be the reward; but i guarentee that if you've been working hard at it and that does happen, you'd more likely then not tell her you want to be friends instead.

 

Good luck

[herewegoagain]

Rich, Nap, Vfunkera - thank you all for your insight.

 

I do not regret sending the letter, but there was one thing that I said that i might regret - I told her that i thought she had more morals than to run right to another guy. I did tell her that I had no hard feelings, though. But I was being honest, so the heck with it.

 

Like I said earlier, she will come back if/when she is ready. The letter really has nothing to do with her decision. In fact, deep down, I know she is not coming back.

[trinitystorm]

hi - just wanted to add my two cents-

 

I also sent a letter to my ex on the suggestion by a friend that a hand written letter might make it more personal and to just let your feelings out. This was before I knew about this site and the NC rule. It was on the day that I had asked him for a second chance and he said "this is not going to work"... so 8 pages of stuff I do not even remember what I wrote- I slipped into his mailbox. I don't know if he ever got it... probably did but there was no response.

 

That was in June. Since then, there has been NC and I finally got up the nerve to send him a "how are you" email. He replied casually saying that he was ok.... so now what? Casual emails don't mean a thing, right?

[herewegoagain]

Trinity - at least he responded to you. I don't think my ex gf would. Anyway, how long did you two go out? What was your letter about? Did you say good things and bad things?

[Conffuusseedd]

I sent my ex of 2 weeks a quick email yesterday, because he either completely forgot or just disregarded my birthday (it was on Saturday so he had a couple days to make up for it). Not that I expected a call or anything big, but the way things had been going, and with him stressing how he wanted to stay friends because of the relationship we had, I figured I would at least get an e-mail. (My original post is in the ex bf/gf forums, w/the subject "ex making all sorts of weird contacts...")

 

The email was quick and to the point...I said I know things are not working out for us right now, but I can't believe he would do something that mean, and it's a slap in the face, since I thought he wanted to stay friends. That's it. I don't know if this was a "mistake" but right now, I don't care. It was plain rude of him and I'm going to let him know. I also have not begged, pleaded, or tried to "fix" things with him since the breakup, so this is my first showing of emotion, if you will.

 

Any insights...

[herewegoagain]

Conffuusseedd

-

I was thinking the same thing today - How can ex's be so cold and heartless?

 

In fact I'm going to start a new post asking that same question.

[trinitystorm]

hi herewegoagain,

 

Well he is a nice guy.... I actually saw him at a party in July and just ignored him, but he came up to me and started asking how i was etc... then he goes, "you seem quiet" and I retorted with "well, there isn't much to say since there is no chance of us being together again", and he says "yah, ther is no chance". And then walks away- ouch! But that was in July. I digress. sorry. We went out for 2.5 years. In the letter, I wrote that I knew that the decision that he made was a difficult one and that I hope we both find happiness. That I wished that happiness would be with each other.... that he should find someone who deserves his love....then talked about what I wanted in the future....what I will be doing to change etc..... I didn't know how to sign off ... but I wrote "i love you"- which was probably a mistake. And that probably scared him off for good.

[herewegoagain]

Well for an update - my ex did not reply to my letter, which is what I wanted anyway. I know she's at the stage where she doesn't really care about me anymore anyway(since she is with someone else).

 

In fact, i wrote to her that I don't expect her to contact me. Not that she would care to anyway.

 

I just wonder if she even read the letter. Who knows - not my concern anymore.

[trinitystorm]

give it time.... eventually bad memories/bitterness will fade and the good will remain.....

[ferna3069]

i know this is an old thread. but i wanted to bring it back up so people know that its a bad idea.

[blackhawks1287]

Yes very bad I idea, I think everyone has that letter stored away somewhere. Mine was over 5 pages long and single spaced. I am happy I wrote it for me, and fighting the temptation was in fact a battle, but I am over it now. This is a very good threat to express that writing a letter or many letters is a good thing and a healing process in a time of reflection. But they by no means should be sent, props to those who did and could handle it, but personally they left you and they shouldn't deserve to hear what you think or feel.

[marzipanpeach]

personally I would send the letter, but it would probably only result in heart ache- like all those late night texts that I never get responses to

[QtPie]

my Mom always told me if I was going to send a letter to mail it to myself first. If you re-read it as if you sent it to you, you might see it in a different light and realize you didn't want to send what you did so you wont regret doing it. I say don't send it - or send it to yourself. People learn from actions, not words. No Contact is a good thing, it worked for me and my ex.