Why do some people who clearly are NOT victims play the victim?

[SeekFortitude]

I am curious to understand this and maybe some people with more experience in this area can shed light on this subject. In a relationship, why does a partner play who clearly has the upper hand in the relationship act like they are the victim? Is it because they always want the attention and also want to deny how cruel they are?

[Betweenthebars]

If there is a specific circumstance, or situation, which you can elaborate upon, that would help me to give you a better answer than without details.

 

But... In general... It's a manipulative tactic. If they can turn the situation around and make someone else look like the guilty party, they can justify their actions better.

[C_Unknown2005]

Could be for attention, could be denial or it could be a self-esteem issue. who knows

[ForumGuy]

Yes, attention, and to "spin" themselves into a better light. All that spinning can make their partner dizzy sometimes!

[In the Dark]

From my experience it has been used as a manipulative tactic so whenever they are in the wrong they twist the whole situation around so that you feel like you are in the wrong.

[oldenoughtoknow]

Let's not leave passive aggressive or martyr complex off the list.

[Hollyj]

They are also incapable of accepting responsibility- It is easier to blame others and play the victim.

 

I don't understand why this person had the "upper hand?" Not good!

[Ariel85]

Because then they don't have to ever take responsibility for their actions or poor choices.

 

I had JUST this convo with a friend last night who is a total romantic mess. Last GF was a drug addict and he moved cross country to be with her. Imagine how that ended. Most recently, he met a girl 15 years his junior, an immigrant (without a work visa or green card) that he married after he knew her for TWO months. Two months later, they're divorcing. Shocking, I know. lol

 

Point is, he gripes about how he's such a good guy, and how he gives 100% and all of his heart to these women, and they use him and hurt him while he's a faithful angel, and I told him that the problem isn't these women, per se. It's the really foolish choices he makes from the get-go. I told him until he takes responsibility for his actions, he'll keep making the same mistakes and keep playing the victim.

[Tryptophan]

I am curious to understand this and maybe some people with more experience in this area can shed light on this subject. In a relationship, why does a partner play who clearly has the upper hand in the relationship act like they are the victim? Is it because they always want the attention and also want to deny how cruel they are?

 

How do you know they don't actually feel like victims? There's no way to know if they actually got hurt. It's a fine line between playing one and actually being one. Sometimes people with really fragile egos (or big ones, for that matter, since those feel easily slighted) get easily hurt. So maybe to you, they shouldn't be the victim because they're not in a position to be, but maybe they're just weak, or to put it nicely, not as strong as the average person.

 

You stated the person had the "upper hand" in the relationship, so maybe in that sense they felt they were doing all the work? I was with a guy that would submit to every command and yes that was lovely, but at the end I ended up feeling he was just there to make me happy but submitting to all of my decisions made me feel like he was putting no effort into our relationship. It's like it was only me making decisions and putting all of my effort in the relationship. So when I broke up with him, it was the same story, "How could you do this? All I was trying to do was make you happy. Everything you wanted, I would do.", etc.

 

It's all about perception. I felt like a victim because he would just accept everything I wanted without expressing his own feelings about it. I felt a victim because the whole time I thought he just didn't care. But he just had a passively accepting personality that I couldn't understand. He never knew I felt like a victim, in his eyes I was in no position to be, but I did "feel" like one--it took a while to get over it.

 

Then we have the times when people with troubled childhoods (keep in mind the perception of "troubled" too, it could be anything) find themselves in positions where they victimize themselves in a sense. They have such a low self-esteem that it's easy to hurt them. And maybe to someone who hasn't been through this it wouldn't be a big deal but to them it's like being abused all over again.

 

I could go on but it all comes down to the individual's unique life experiences.

[Tryptophan]

Or it could also be a coping mechanism to avoid guilt. Like a dumper that plays the victim so he or she won't feel guilty about dumping you because in their head they were a victim; that's why they dumped you in the first place. S/he might not have had a legitimately rational reason to be a victim, but in order to cope she might had ended up feeling/acting like one.

 

Weird how coping mechanisms work, but it happens.

[SeekFortitude]

I was just looking for a general answer, but it was inspired by this situation on this thread. It conjured up memories of my ex and this is EXACTLY something she would do.

 

 

[bichin]

Relationships degenerate into power struggles before they end. Vying for victim status is one type of power struggle. Unless there is abuse NOBODY is a victim.