back home...

[Stinkweed]

Back in the old apartment which I still love, and in the city I still like but with the roommate/sibling I just can't bare to see anymore cause they just remind me too much of me in former and more pathetic and sad days and they don't wanna have anything to do because every piece of advise I give is "telling them how to live" (even though it's just advise, not like I'm enforcing something or insulting their ways or anything like that, so I just pulled back, period. My door for the event that this is just a phase), just stuff they could and I can't help but pull away and not wanna see them anymore cause we used to be best friends and it just hurts that that relationship died.

 

To add to the element of desperation, I just came back from a visit to my LDR age-gap gf... it's so tough being with her because I truly love her, I really do, but I can't get over the fact that I think it will not last forever because of the age-gap element... In all blunt honesty, if it were not for that I would not hesitate to move with her and try to find a less-than-likeable job in her city, etc... But it is because of that (age-gap plus the fact that she can't have children and some day I want my own...), and also the fact that I even have a job secured that I actually like here, I don't dare make such a move... So I love her so much... after this last time I realized she's one of the most valuable allies I could've made in this life, but sometimes feel like crap cause I think I'll never be what she wants or needs cause of my indecisiveness... To make matters worse, I kinda fell in love with her city and think that at least some day in the future, that is where I must end up, be it with her, or without her... It is very different; for instance: I fell in love with surfing, but I can't do that in my city cause there's no sea... Since I got out of my working out just for looks phase, I have started looking for other physical activities that are more meaningful or have a meaningful goal or a more spiritual aspect and surfing is one of them for me. I tried it a few times and even though my body felt absolutely exhausted, I couldn't help but just keep trying and trying to catch the next wave and the next (I am still not "good" if such a thing exists in surfing, but I did catch a couple of waves... not bad for someone with poor coordination... and I did it just 3 times!), and to me physical activity used to be just an annoying chore, but this was so much fun, and I was addicted once I got started (not like running, for example which is supposed to release endorphins... so yeah, at least in my case I feel good AFTER running, but I hate the during part and would never wanna run more than like 1 hour, whereas surfing, even though it was one of the most exhausting things I've ever done, especially when fighting those late afternoon waves, and yet I just didn't wanna stop. Same with weight lifting, sure it feels psychologically good to see that your strength is going up, but I find the process of working out unbearably boring and chore-like and even when I was super into it, I was just counting the minutes for it to end... not like surfing, which I only stopped cause I had to cause my the time I rented the board for was over. It was just beautiful... in the sunset, one time there was even a dolphin swimming like 15 feet away!).

 

So I feel like this last visit allowed me to add very valuable beads to the necklace of happy experiences in my life, and I learned many things and tried things I would've never tried in the past for whatever reason (be it that I was self-conscious about my body, or just fear of the unknown), but it is over and coming home I am left sad and wondering what I should do. And I need to decide kinda fast... If I stay I have to make the commitment that I'll work hard for at least a year (cause I'm applying for gradschool this fall to get in for next year, and if I get in somewhere around here, I will probably still work part time. And the program I like the most seems to be offered only here... I've looked around but haven't found anything similar), or I decide to move and not waste anybody's time anymore... But I'm so confused... Another pro for staying here is that I have all of my friends here... I'm afraid that if I move to a new town and the only person I know is someone who's not even my age group, I will have a very tough time making new friendships... I've thought maybe I could go to school over there for like a year-long program or something like that, and sacrifice the program I like best for a program I like less but gaining time in the city I want to live in and with my girlfriend, but I'm kind of unsure about how good an idea that would be...

 

It's all so confusing to me, and I guess I'm just looking for someone to make that suggestion that will give me some clarity of thought. or at least an opinion... Cause I feel desperate and sad at the moment and it's not a nice place to be...

[Stinkweed]

Well I hope I get to read somebody else's thoughts later... I'm genuinely sad and desperate, and think I have to figure this out soon.

[bichin]

It is a decision much like the one you are facing now which will end your relationship. Doesn't your partner deserve someone truly committed?

[Stinkweed]

Yes... and part of me wants to be committed to her but then another part of me is too scared. That I'll regret it later, not having spent my youth with someone my age, that it'll be much too hard later to meet someone I can have something with that leads to starting my own family. I'm not in college anymore (well for the time being. Later I will go back to grad school but I know it won't be the same as undergrad), and it feels like meeting people is already exponentially harder (not that it was easy in college for me, but I met some people. Just none of them were females, but then again, my school had a reputation for not being good for that anyway). I can only easily/naturally meet people by being introduced to them (otherwise it's just awkward and it just never goes well, period), and most of my friends and their friends... well, we share many similar values, but let's just say that when it comes to relationships, I am on the opposite spectrum. I want to find someone I can be serious with, and they... well, some of them have cheated on their girlfriends (and I would've never suspected cause I would see them hanging out with the girl they cheated with and it did not look at all like there was something going on, just a friendship, but I guess I missed some cues or something), and stuff like that.

 

And then I think that I could have a life in her city with her that I could never have here... I don't know what to do. And I'm too scared to do something. But it feels like that decision process is not coming to an end and never will unless there's a new development or a new perspective develops.

[bichin]

In order to feel good about your decisions it would be very helpful if you took some time to introspect and find out what it is you really need. Not need later, need now so you can align your wants accordingly. Making decisions based on fear doesn't usually expand a person's horizons but rather limits them.

 

Meditation can be very helpful in bringing about the perspective you mention.

[Stinkweed]

Thank you. I will try that... All day today I've been looking for jobs in her area (cause today I woke up with the sense that even if I tried, I cannot even have a similar life in this city as I could in hers...). No luck... I suck, I have no qualifications. The only job that I have assured is helping my father, and it's a good job, but here's the deal: it's in a different state. But he's willing to make something work for me in this city if I commit to working with him for at least a year. Thing is, a month ago, I was sure this was what I wanted. Now I am not so sure I am worth the effort on his part and he should just stay in the other city, and I find myself a job. Only problem is, my qualifications suck and I can't even find internships in my girlfriend's city (have looked for those, but in my field I am not finding many). So initially I thought working for my father for a year or two would be great for my resume. But now I think that her city is where I want to be... After the deterioration of my relationship with my ex-best friend sibling and the realization that I cannot even have a similar life to what I could over there, I think sometimes think I belong there starting fresh... But I am unsure, and so I will meditate on it. Thank you very much for your insightful reply.