I feel like a rotten parent due to overly expired feelings for my ex.

[ramonymone]

First off sorry for any mispellings the spell check is not working on this computer. Anyhow I come here and post whenever I'm having those days when I'm missing my ex. In about 45 mins I am going to see my ex, not because we are going to give the relationship another chance, but because we have a daughter, and it's my day to have her. Whenever I'm with my daughter there is mixed emotions--hand to god I love this little girl with every ounce of my being, but I am not devoted to her 100%. Reading that last statement makes me feel horrible as a parent. My problem is due to my love for her mother. I know that I'm going to get responses of how I need to get over it, and focus on my daughter, I know this I'm being selfish and I wish to God I was not like this, but when I am with my daughter I'm filled with an emense amount of joy, but at the same time saddened because she is a reminder of the love that once existed between her mother and I. I still love her mother! 2.5 years after the break up, and I still love this women. No matter how many people I date, sleep, or talk to I love my daughters mother. She has moved on, new boyfriend really happy, and I'd be lieing if I said that I was happy for her. GOD I SUCK!!! However, I am very understanding that whatever overly expired feelings that I have for my child's mother, need to be iternalized and that those feelings can never come to the forefront, especially in the presence of my child. I'm a good dad and I love my child, but I wish that when I'm with her (my daughter) that I'm enjoying her 100% and not partially thinking about her mom.

[lalalollipops]

There's nothing wrong with loving somebody you know? The fact that we still love them shows what we felt for them was REAL. If you got over the feelings quickly, it wasn't love in the first place. Be patient with yourself. Just takes more time. Sometimes things take a long time to fade, but it will change to a different kind of love eventually. And you'll completely get over it and meet somebody wonderful and fall in love again.

 

I broke up with an ex 13ish months ago (he's not the most recent ex). And if I were to be honest with myself I know that I am still affected by him.

Sigh.

What can I say? He was the love of the first part of my life. Now I'm moving onto a new phase =), and I know it will be brighter and alot less painful. Just have faith everything will work out.

[ForumGuy]

Yeah, I think you are being too hard on yourself and it is natural to still have these feelings since it is/was true love. The biggest thing is that you are conscious of it, and have a conscience. I hope you start feeling better one of these days. Also, sometimes things aren't as they appear.....I have always thought my daughter's mother was very happy in her new marriage but it turns out they have problems just like everyone else.

[lavenderdove]

I think if it has been 2.5 years it may be time to consider a couselor... You are grieving the loss of something important to you, but now after this amount of time you need to work really hard on letting go and accepting that no matter your feelilngs for her, she is not available and your emotions are hampering you and your love for your daughter.

 

You should google 'thought stopping' and start practicing it... You have to not indulge in any thoughts about your ex, in the same way you wouldn't indulge in thoughts again and again about a house you lived in years ago but moved out of. Don't allow your ex any play in the landscape of your mind... that is where your discipline comes in, where you need to accept that regardless of your feelings, your ex is just not a possibility for you. As long as you hang onto the idea of her and that she is 'your' special person in any way, then you put her on a pedestal and keep those feelings alive.

 

Let thoughts of her just float past you. They may crop up from time to time, but you need to say to yourself, 'enough of that, she is gone now and those thoughts are a waste of time and keeping me from a happy life'. You're addicted to the idea of her, and you need to break that habit. All of us have some fond memories and things in our lives that didn't last forever, but you have to accept that sometimes things don't work out the way you want, and it is your responsibility to let go of things that didn't work out, no matter how much you wanted them. Don't be a martyr for love and a slave to your own feelings, take charge of your throughts and banish her from them. Your thoughts need to start aligning with the reality she is gone, and when they do, your emotions will follow.

 

If you can't do this on your own, then you do need to consider counseling for your own sake and your daughter's sake. Your daughter deserves your full attention and ability to see her as the unique person that she is, and not some extension of her mother. You're not a bad person for feeling that way, but you are stuck in the past and need to really accept that it is over and root those thoughts of your ex out of your head so that you can free up to find someone new and relate to your daughter openly and with joy rather than seeing her as a conduit to obsess about her mother.

[ramonymone]

This is what I NEEDED TO HEAR!!! Thank you all for the input, you all are wonderful. I have my daughter right now, and I think that these feelings are something that are a bit of a ritual that I go through before I pick her up, It's the idea of possibly seeing physical evidence of this new guy, i.e. a picture of the two, I remember the time I saw a hamper of clothes that my ex had folded; couldn't help but recall the times she did that for me. However, when I do have my child these longing feelings for my ex drastrically go away, because no matter how bad of a parent I think I am my little one's unconditional love for me tells me otherwise. I may need counseling...wow...I need counseling. That love is gone, but I can't help but at times exist within that stupid false hearted hope. Once again thanks, and as the day goes on I'm certain this funk will subside.