meoww Posted August 31, 2011 Share Posted August 31, 2011 I'm creating this journal for my personal growth and development. I think I need a resource like this to capture the experience of coming out of the fog after being abused in childhood and in early adulthood. Sept. 1 I'm realizing that lost years and lost families are much harder to come to terms with that I expected. I never wanted to know who I really was, because my experiences really mark me as quite alien from the ideal human experience. Until this point, I have known very little about what love is, or what human interactions are supposed to be like, what it feels like to be connected to things larger than yourself. I never knew how to express love, with words, planned surprises and special occasions, or by being healthy and dependable. I never knew how to do things with other people, how to share feelings and experiences, and invite them along to be part of your life. I'm so thankful to have an idea about how some of this works now. I also am learning how to seek out mentors, how to have a healthy relationship with a superior without feeling victimized, and how to fail more gracefully. I'm afraid of a lot of things, like the constant change in the world since I was born with this environmental disability. I'm afraid of being the victim of random violence, whether it's in my home, in frienships, or at work. I never used to be able to argue effectively because I didn't a single value. I never knew what it was like to have values, to use abstract concepts in this way. I used to think feelings like this were sort of a joke, like a rhetorical device used for jumping through hoops. I didn't know most of our actions rest on these slippery and sort of magical concepts. I really feel like I have to learn how to be human. It sucks because I don't feel like anyone understands...I don't blame them, how could they? I feel like Frankenstein. I don't know how to get better. I don't know to feel safe. More than anything, I'd like to find a place where I safe even though I know terrible things happen in the world. I want to have someone to confide in that I know I can trust. But I don't know of anyone who would be capable of being that brave when they don't have to be. Pain is bad. Today, my goal is to practice feeling safe. I'd also like to make a list of my values, and do something productive and good for my future. I also want to work on actually relaxing a bit, I know getting a bit of exercise will help my nerves a bit. Maybe each day I'll have an abstract goal, and incorporate a few tasks I can complete to reach the goal. Today I'm going to try to feel safe and relaxed. Link to comment
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