After 10.5 yrs, she wants to split up

[Kez79]

Hello everyone, I am hoping I can gain some advice from on here, I have read other threads and found the replies to be helpful, so I am hoping that you will be able to help me.

 

Here goes... My girlfriend and I have been together for the past 10.5 years in a gay relationship, she is 18 years my senior but this has never been a problem. We have lived together for 9 years and for the past 6 yrs work together too. I thought things were going great until last month when she said she wanted to split up, saying she was going to stay at her mothers until our living arrangements were sorted. Then a week after this, all was back to normal she spoke to her best friend who said that this might be 'the change' setting in. We have just got back from a bank holiday weekend away where everything was great - happy times.

 

Tuesday morning she told me that she loves me but isnt in love with me and she has been increasingly tempted to stray, though assures me she hasn't whilst we have been together ( I believe her). She also said that she feels the relationship has been stale for some time now. After talking to her i agree with some points. We live and work together and have little time to spend on our own, as we both seem to be too tired to do anything. She says we should spend more time out with our friends, as we see each other at home and at work. She has been actively encouraging me to change jobs, I am bored in my current employment and do want a change, even saying that we could get married after I find another job.

 

We talked and agreed on a break from the relationship. She has gone to stay with her mum for this period of time and has told me that she will be going out and wont 'be an angel' (her words). She has encouraged me to do the same.

 

I have always loved her and am still in love with her, and want to make our relationship work. We have a good life together and were happy. I am confused as only last week we were making plans for the future, this is such a u turn which has left me reeling. She says she still loves me, and wants to stay friends. However she has asked me not to contact her for a while, although we will still see each other at work.

 

I want to know if anyone has any advice for me on how to sort out my problem and make our life happy again. I feel like my life is in turmoil at the moment and hate feeling like this, i love her so much and am not willing to let the past decade we have been together go without a fight.

 

Please help.

[Aurora81]

I may be totally off the mark here but this sound to me like a case of too much time together and not enough time both doing your own thing. In all long term relationships there comes a point where things begin to go a little stale, if noticed straight away it can be easy rectified but if you don't catch it soon enough the situation can begin to stagnate. I suppose you've heard of the 7 year itch, I've recently hit that mark myself and have noticed a few things my boyfriend and I should work on.

 

The thing is it's all too easy to think that because there's no arguing and you still get on really well that things are great and there's nothing to worry about. The truth is that sometimes we forget about tHe romance and become too comfortable, too familiar with eachother.

 

In my heart I don't feel she's fallen out of love with you, don't quote me on this because obviously I don't know either of you but given the situation, taking all things into consideration I feel this is a case of boredom. You live together and work together and have fallen into a rather (dare I say it) monotonous routine. You're both too tired to go out or take time for eachother and this I feel is the problem. Your girlfriend craves a little excitement as I'm sure you do yourself. As we know variety is the spice of life I feel that if you're dissatisfied with your job then maybe you should take this time to search for something new, give yourselves a break from eachother and you'll both be dying to get home to see eachother in the evening. You'll have so much more to talk about too.

 

You mentioned that your girlfriend may be beginning the menopause, bear in mind that this in many ways is very similar to puberty. Think back to that time, emotions all over the place, unsure how you feel, making pretty bad and impulsive desisions etc...

 

For now give your girlfriend the space she needs and take some time for yourself too, be kind to yourself and think about what makes YOU happy. If after this break you reconcile it may be worth while setting aside 1 day per week (at least) where you take time apart to either be by yourself (we all need that don't we) or to spend time with friends and another night each week dedicated to eachother, really go all out on the romance, candles, music etc... Show eachother that you're more than just friends, really be the lovers you are.

 

I really hope this helps and I hope it all works out for you two. Best of luck and be happy

[cantalonie]

Just passing thru with my own issues but I thought Id give you my two cents

 

I think you should definitely not bug her. Dont call... dont message. Dont be too available. She has become too comfortable in the relationship and knows she wont lose you. She needs to know that you might not always be there. Thats the only way she might come back. If she thinks that you arent a sure thing.

If she talks about the future.. dont be so accommodating with that thought. SHe needs to win you over again. Take control.

 

I was in a similar relationship of 6 years and I said the same thing to my girlfriend. I love you but Im not in love with you.

I took a break... and just when I started to miss her and feel like she was not going to always be there... hadnt heard from her... she would then make the mistake of calling me or messaging me. And that feeling would come back again that I dont want to be with her because she was a sure thing. The truth is that if she had met someone while I was on the break... I would have come right back... and fight for her again. But she never gave me that space or that feeling that she could be lost... until eventually I moved on completely. Its the cold truth. I was just too comfortable in the relationship.

 

Remove yourself from the picture. Find another job. And when she wants to see you... dont be in her face about getting back. Pretend you are happy without her.

And try and see new people. You might be surprised.

 

 

 

I might get slammed for this but after 10 years... I think the natural progression for two lovers is to have children and be distracted with family issues. That hasnt happen for you two. If I had a child with my xgirlfriend I know things would have been different. I wouldnt get bored. There would be a new love in our lives we could share and grow together. A relationship needs to keep evolving. It obviously cant work that way for you two and I dont say that to be judgemental. I have no problems with gay people... good for them. but that is the way it is I guess.. how do they get around it.?

 

The main thing is to step back and work on yourself and if she comes back... She has to win you back. That is the mentality you should have for this to ever work.

 

You have to accept that she wants to go and have fun. If you love her... you will understand. She is being honest with you. Hasnt cheated behind your back and you have to respect that... or move on if you wont.

 

The main thing is that you guys have to fall in love again.

[Kez79]

Thanks people. Aurora, you are bang on target with your advice. and catalonie thanks for your comments too. If i'm honest, i'd thought as much myself. We have gotten too comfortable with life and both need something else to do....I just wish we'd noticed before it came to this all this could have been easily avoided. Yet she was contradicting herself with some of the things she was saying, which i hope will work in my favour as some things she was saying were futuristic plans in a roundabout way.

 

My problem now is figuring out how much space is enough!!! Would you advise leaving all the running to her? I dont want to push her further away, but i feel that we need to talk about this but obviously when she is ready.

 

Thanks for your comment that you made Aurora regarding that you dont really think she has fallen out of love with me - I feel as much myself as her actions recently haven't been those of someone who doesn't love me anymore. I cant help feeling that she was saying she has had many offers to get a reaction out of me, as mutual friends who have gone out with her confirm that nothing has gone on.