Worried I may be falling out of love - relationship stage?

[Solange]

Hello all. I wanted to ask a relationship of everyone out there who may have encountered the same feelings.

 

I'm not sure if this is a stage of my relationship that I'm going through or not, but whatever it is, it's scaring me to death. I've always been totally sure of my feelings for my boyfriend of 1 1/2 years, and never questioned that he was 'the one'. Lately, that all feels strange for some reason. Our sex life has declined from about 5 times a week to maybe once, and when we kiss now it sometimes doesn't feel like it used to. He is still very affectionate, always hugging and kissing me, telling me he loves me. I know I mean the world to him and am the most important person in his life, and a month ago I could have said the same thing. Now when I know I'm going to see him I don't even feel happy about it because I know how quiet, irritable and grumpy he's going to be.

 

Also, he makes a lot of silly (and sometimes offensive) comments which usually I'll take as jokes (he says that's how they're intended), but lately I find myself resenting his lack of respect, maturity and tact. It's gotten to a point that I can't even tell when he's serious and when he's kidding. He also has a tendency to be very critial of other people and hurtful sometimes. Even his best friend of like 6 years has told me that he doesn't like talking to him anymore, because all he gets is rude and coldness from him.

 

By the way, we've lived together for about 8 months. It's been pretty good since we're both pretty busy, and love to spend most of our spare time together.

 

He's been very busy with a lot of things lately and doesn't have a lot of time for me (like he used to), but I know he tries his best and spends as much time with me as he can. As a result of being tired and overworked, he is very withdrawn, quiet and cranky sometimes, when he used to be very outgoing with me and a great conversationalist. Also, I feel that because I am no longer able to connect with him through what used to be great long conversations, that I don't feel as intimate with him as I did. I've expressed this to him and he feels that he still makes an effort, which he does to some extent. He'll say, "but I'm listening", but never really participates in any conversations that don't have something to do with his own life or things he does with work or school. I feel like the only time he'll really talk to me is when it has something to do with him. I've discussed this also, but he tends to get defensive and say things like, "I try my best to be there for you". It's not really that I don't think he's there for me, but more that he's less and less like the man I fell in love with every single day.

 

He's also almost totally withdrawn from his friends for work and school and usually just wants to hang out with me. I love that he wants to spend his free time with me, but it worries me a bit that he isn't as comitted to maintaining his friendships. He said a couple of weeks ago, "I don't even need to have friends around right now, all I want is you".

 

Sorry for the long post, but I really need someone to give me some advice. Could this just be a phase of my relationship? Is it normal around 1 1/2 years? The reason it's scaring me is because I've always felt very intensely and passionately for this man, and even when I've been furious with him, I still knew that I would never leave. Lately though, I feel like we're growing apart emotionally and don't know how to stop it. In fact, things are getting so boring and lifeless that I'm not even sure if they can get any better. I've tried talking to him about everything in a very calm and respectful manner, respecting and understanding his efforts towards school and work, but things just seem to get worse all the time!!

 

Please help!!

[sayer7]

 

For some reason I feel like I'm talking to myself after reading your post but here it goes. ahem.

 

For me, it started out as his no willingness to have sex (once a month max)-- he always rejected my advances and afterwhile I felt undesireable and it lowered my self-esteem and sense of security considerably. Thought he was cheating on me it got so bad.

 

The next came him refusing to say hello and kiss me when he got home from work-- we used to have big arguments about it. He said he just didn't feel like he "needed to" and instead would rather blow me off and ignore me for 2 hours before he even acknowledged my presense- no joke. We lived together for over 6 months before that started.

 

Next came him beginning to constantly criticize me and others, being out right rude like telling a woman he doesn't even know at a restaurant that 'her dress made him want to vomit' and to her date, "If you don't leave now I'm going to throw-up."

 

And then came my birthday which I had to spend in the hospital 2 days after major emergency tumor surgery by myself (the rest of my family was way on vacation) because he said he need to go out and get drunk because he was "so stressed out about my surgery and needed to be with friends" rather than be by MY side.

 

And THEN... well I can go on but it just get's completely utterly worse and I there's a very long list of his dirty laundry. This is YOUR post, not mine afterall. But I fell out of love with him that night after surgery way back in february. I tried to make things work until July 30th, but then then gave up when he decided to go on OUR vacation to Key West with someone else ( a guy) and didn't mention it to me until the day before we were supposed to leave.

 

I decided that day my guy was a stringer- that had no serious intention of marrying me like he said he had throughout the relationship, had no serious sense of responsibility, had no maturity and basically just strung me along like I was some pup on a string.

 

And to think I thought he was THE ONE until February. So I kind of know how you feel.

 

If your guy has done idiotic things like mine had... then I say take some time to re-evaluate the relationship and then sit down and try to have a serious talk with him about your issues and see how he reacts. If he does what my guy did: Tell you he doesn't want to talk about it, that he's going to bed-- and actually does leave you to go to bed,"

 

Then you need to start making some serious decisions for yourself because he's obviously just thinking about himself.

 

But then I'm biased... I might be completely off-- but I felt like I saw echoes of my past relationship when I read your post.

 

Sorry I'm such a pessimist...but I've been through a lot.

[Anti-Average]

It sounds more like he's the one thats changed, maybe he's just feeling that he has no chance of losing you after being together so long and that he no longer has to put up his "show-cards". You should sit down with him and tell him that lately he's been acting like a differant person than you fell in love with. But what would I know, I'm just a youngin

[Solange]

Sayer - your ex sounds like a total nightmare! As bad as it sounds, it's good that him going out and getting drunk rather than spending his time by your side actually showed you who he really was. I'm sorry, but he should have been there, and if my boyfriend did something like that, I would know right away what a jerk he was. It's just too bad that it took something that extreme to show you. And the incident with the girl's dress? I would have walked out of there and away from him.

 

My boyfriend really isn't a bad person at all. He's still interested in sex and is always very affectionate, but it's hard for me to receive it because he's so moody all the time. Sometimes he's in a great mood and up for anything, but those times are few and far between these days. For me, my worry is the frequent grumpiness and the lack of conversation.

 

Any other ideas?

[PAdreamer]

Personally, I don't believe that you can fall out of love. Not if it's real, true love. But yes, people change. He's changing a lot, it sounds like, but you probably are too. I was with a guy for a year and a half- I'd been so sure that he was the one and I would spend my life with him. But the same things that are happening to you happened to us. To be honest, it scared me at the time. But now that it's over, I'm glad that I didn't end up with him, because I know that he wasn't the one for me and I would have missed out on a great oportunity with the man who is. It may end differently for you, I don't know. But no matter what happens, just remember that just because something doesn't work out the way you want it to doesn't mean it didn't work out.

[Shizzle]

am in the same position now, and well i really dont know what to do but were engaged too, oo i dont know how to explain it,

[Rubita]

Jeez, I feel like the guy being posted about at the beginning of this thread. I went on a road trip with my fella and all the way home I was fantasizing about being alone.

 

I guess a first trip with someone can make or break things and in this case it feels like it broke things for me.

 

Even though he is emotionally very mature and generous and giving, I've become ridiculously critical of him - especially of little inconsequential things- not the important stuff. It's screwy how much that stuff distracts me, but it does.

 

I feel like he's too submissive too- like he'll do anything I ask- which drives me crazy for some reason. And he's indecisive- I almost always end up making the decision of where we're going to eat, or what we're giong to do. I think a lot of girls would think I'm crazy for complaining about this, but I'm in charge of tons of stuff in my every day life. I hate having to take charge all the time in the relationship.

 

I don't know- I think you can fall out of love. I feel like it has happened to me and it's completely beyond my control. I know that I went through a really intense falling in love stage, but now it just feels like the flame burned out too quick. I feel bad about it, because intellectually I want to be in love with him, but my attraction just turned tail.

 

Some of it also has to do with his body chemistry- again- this probably sounds really strange. He has a little bit of a bad breath problem, which I can't stand. So I've said something about it and he takes it all in stride and makes an effort to brush his teeth when he knows he's going to see me. But it just keeps coming back. It drives me nuts. But the other thing is the smell of his body when he gets stressed out. He produces this pungent stale smell that repels me. If I was turned on, it goes away instantly and makes me not want to talk to him. I don't know what to do about that... and again, it just seems like I'm projecting all my complaints onto him and not evaluating for myself what I could be doing to be better... maybe I'm just coming up with excuses to get out of the relationship... I don't know. These things didn't bother me when we were first getting to know eachother. But now I can't deal.

 

What the hell do I do? I've started thinking about dating other people- or thinking about ex-boyfriends. I feel I should be honest with him about that, but i've only told him 50% of the truth.

[PAdreamer]

Hmmm.... that right there sounds ENTIRELY psychological. Getting turned off by a smell that he produces when he's stressed? That's got to be in your mind, and I would definitely say that it's a subconscious attempt to find a way out of the relationship.

 

You say that you believe that you can fall out of love. But are you SURE that you were ever truly in love in the first place. It's one thing to love, and another to be in love. I love my sister, but I'm not in love with her. I love chocolate, but I'm not in love with it. Well, maybe that one's a bad example...

[OceanEyes]

He has a little bit of a bad breath problem, which I can't stand. So I've said something about it and he takes it all in stride and makes an effort to brush his teeth when he knows he's going to see me. But it just keeps coming back. It drives me nuts.

 

WOW. My ex-boyfriend has the worst breath I've ever smelled in my life - it's literally disgusting when you lean in for a kiss and smell something that reeks of compost and hot garbage. Well, maybe not that bad, but nonetheless, it's very frustrating and is a total turnoff!! To be completely honest, I think my ex's bad breath and lack of proper hygeine is part of the reason we broke up. After a while you just can't be attracted to someone if they always reek. It sounds funny but it's so true!