Is it normal to push one's closest loved one away while grieving?

[Pollara]

Well, it's all over. Met up to talk and she shared that she was already seeing someone after we broke up. And he was the one who was there for her during those moments she really needed me. It was hurtful to hear that she had moved on so quickly. Whatever it was, I'm trying to get over this feeling and move on.

 

And yes, I do agree that it's important to heal myself, no matter what has happened. I do hope that those of you who are experiencing it (be it griefing or supporting the griefing party), hang in there. Things happen for a reason and it's for us to learn the lessons behind them.

 

Well for us girls a lot of times it happens like that. To turn to people that they were there supporting us. Personally I don't do that because I believe the problem is the relationship itself and I believe that even if I find a guy to be there for me, it will be a temporary solution just to move on from the thing that I want to forget. But in any case, your gf turned to him, or he was there for her at these moments so she now thinks as she is in love with him. I understand her side, but you now Bryce, I think that if you cannot have some patience and not understand the other at these moments then she wasn't the right girl for you. OK I know that it is easier said than done but this is how I see it

 

 

Seems like its all over for me too.... I finally spoke to my ex (well he finally answered my text) and I told him I wouldn't meet him anymore on his trip, so not to ruin it for him. He was more cold than when we broke up, even saying more hurtful things. He said, he doesn't want happiness anymore and that he has no happy memories in his life of anything and just continued with his wishes for me to never contact him again and let him be alone. I'm so hurt, I can't even believe this is happening....

Of course everyone grieves differently but I don't believe in things happening for a reason anymore. I did hang in there and would have done anything for him, its been a year since his brother died. We were fine until a month before the anniversary of his death, and that's when he said he had moved on and didn't want to talk anymore. Of course he is grieving, but there is no excuse to just shut people out completely and treat them as if you never cared. People make their choices. The only lesson I learned and not to be negative 'bryce2102' is not to get close to people.

Sorry for this negative message, I just needed to cry and vent for a bit...

 

I really understand you, but he is depressed right now. At this point of time he probably feeling guilty himself that he might had good times when his brother died. And since he is depressed he cannot remember the last time that he was happy. Probably because you were together he didn't have the time to grief and now he needs his space. I am not saying for you to wait for him or something. It's up to you to decide. But at this point of time you cannot do anything. No matter what he says, he cannot think with a clear mind at this time. Sometimes grievers are also full of anger. So the more you push him, the more probably is to get his anger towards you. In reality he doesn't have anything to do with you so don't take it personally although it seems so hard.

I am negative too and I also don't trust people and I sometimes feel kind of fool that I was convinced to trust my bf since he was the one that hurt me in the end although he mentioned that he would never do it. But grief is something that you never know how the other is going to react. I mean, my bf because the death of his mother he believed that he won't change anything and that probably a part of him would be happy since she rest. He even made some jokes like: when you will return we will be all day together without having to taking care over her. I bet now he regrets those words.

Regarding your boyfriend I understand that grieving people don't have the emotional energy to think over other's people problems, but to me he seems kind of immature to say you these kind of things. OK I can understand that he doesn't want to be together with you or something, but these lines: "I will see you for 10 minutes and I will hate every minute of it and then I will hate you for it" seem kind of childish to me. OK you shouldn't have tell you to see you since he doesn't want, but I bet there would be another way to tell it to you more polite. But maybe he did it like that in order to stop pushing him.

[kb821]

Thankyou for your reply Pollara, it was nice to have someone else's opinion. I just feel so devastated and lost I miss him so much. I understand he is depressed right now and that the loss of his brother is consuming him emotionally, he said that he wants to be alone and to live this out alone and to focus only on his career now. And Pollara, I feel like a fool too, I was convinced that we were going to be together forever. And the thing is, even though im here hurting and crying everyday, I think he is so caught up with his own feelings that he can't even understand that I would be upset.

I let him grieve, and have supported him over the last year. I think what Is making this harder is that he asked me to go away with him for work only 2 months ago and then a month later he had completely changed his mind on everything. I want to wait for him, but I also don't want this grief to consume me and that is what I feel is happening.

I don't know what to do... I wish I could just forget everything too.

[Pollara]

Well he probably encounters some short of delay grief, triggered by the anniversary of his brother. But at the point grief starts, it depends on the person. But as I have read, all the cases that come here are kind of similar: the person becomes really cold towards the other, he doesn't feel anything about the other or in the best case scenario he doesn't know what he feels. Of course most of them don't have a clue about the extent of how much they hurt the other. They probably realize it, but not the exact extent I believe. I don't know how your relationship was before, but I believe that if the relationship has some problem, then the grief stage will probably devastate it. In my case we didn't have any problems but we had been together for only 2 months when the incident happened. And this can be both positive or negative as well, since on the one hand when he feels better he can reconsider without having any complaints about me and maybe give us a chance to be together, but on the other hand, I believe the fact that our bond wasn't that strong, led to his distant behavior towards me, and to be honest I don't expect much to happen. It seems as a rule: if someone decides to be distant or breaks up with you during his grieving stage he doesn't come back.

Also, in your case it is a bad thing itself that he had made a link with you and his brother when he was alive and he probably wants to forget about this. And you are also connected to this difficult time he is going through. Human mind is a strange thing indeed

I really understand that it is really difficult to forget him since you were so many years together. Imagine that he is going through the same stage but 100 times worse since his brother won't return. But really you cannot do anything. Just let it go and if he is to return he will. While he experiences his grief of his loss you are also experiencing your grief of your ruined relationship.

And yes I really understand you. I believe that my bf came to visit me just to test his feelings and because he had bought his tickets 2 months ago, otherwise I don't believe he would. I really understand how hurt you are. Because at the end of the day, people should realize that their beloved deceased person wouldn't have wanted them to be devastated and miserable like that, and that we are there alive and waiting to comfort them. Unfortunately logic don't apply to grief. The fact that this breaking up is so unfair make things even worse for us. I would have forgot him the next minute if he had cheated on me, but this is so unfair.

[kb821]

Its definitely true that logic does not apply to grief... I'm sad that this is the case for so many people, life can be so cruel. I keep going over things in my head and thinking what I could have done differently. I know this is not helping, and regretting things that I have said is only making me feel worse but at the moment I can't seem to get my mind to a better place. I know what he is going through is 100 times worse and that for him he will never get his brother back, but that doesn't make it easier for me to cope. He has a very good career which at least gives him something to focus on I guess and I at least know he is doing ok. Even though deep down I believe he still loves me, I know he will not change his mind as he thinks that he has said too much now and can't go back, plus at the moment he is so consumed with grief he thinks he doesn't deserve anyone and doesn't want to be happy anyway (Plus he has always been a man of his word, and doesn't say things he doesn't mean). Your right about the link with meeting me and his brothers life, when we broke up he said to me that if he saw me it would just remind him of when he was happy, when his brother was alive. I'm sorry to go on about this, I think it will be the same conversation for me for months to come.... I just hope things get easier.

Do you have any contact with your ex bf now? I understand how you feel and that you are hurt. I hope you are doing better than me though...

[Pollara]

Well it is officially over for me too. My boyfriend called me and he told me that he thought over it and he feels an apathy towards everything and that his behavior was unfair towards me but he cannot do anything to change it at this time so it should be better to break up because it is also unfair for me to wait. He said that he will focus on other stuff for now that are really pressing and he cannot have a relationship at this time. And that although he knows that he won't grieve all of his life, he doesn't know how this is going to last. He asked me what do I feel about it and I told him that although I don't have a problem on waiting and that it would be better to let it go and take his decision after I return to our country, I respect his decision, we can still remain on friendly terms and if he feels like that he can talk to me and if he feels better at some time in the future and want me to be part of his life we can still discuss things.

Although my friends tell me that from the way he put it, he didn't seem to have any problem over me, and if I return there is a possibility of us getting back together when he feels better since it is his problem is his mood and nothing else, I believe that this story ended here. Because he told me that he will start new things and it seems that he doesn't want me to be a part of his new life. Or at least this is how I get it. Because he put a thought over it. He didn't end it when he first saw that he is depressed.

I should start find a way of how to forget it. Although I knew that my few months cannot be compared to five years, at this time I feel awful. 2 years ago my boyfriend of six years broke up with me but I really coped with it easier. Maybe because it was a relationship that had been through a lot and at the end of the day it was natural for this to happen. But now, this relationship hadn't even started and I only have good memories of it. But all these 3,5 months that he was distant they were torturing for me. At least now I won't have to think what decision he will take.

I really feel your pain and it is really difficult. A lot of people suggest to focus on other things but I cannot focus on anything. And my good friends left for holidays and this make things worse

[kb821]

(Pollara) I am so sorry to hear that your relationship is 'officially' over now too. I feel for you and understand your sadness.. It doesn't matter the time differences of our relationships, it still hurts and I understand. Seems like you have been in pain over this for months while he has been sorting himself out. I guess some comfort is that he will still remain in contact with you, although I don't know if that just makes things harder for you to move on. It seems as though there is still the possibility for the two of you in the future though, from what you have written? And Its true that he won't grieve all his life, but I know this doesn't make it easier on you knowing that he wants to start a new life with new things.

I'm sorry as well that your friends have gone on holidays now and can't be there with you... (Try to keep busy, and hopefully this will help a bit) But to be honest I can't focus on anything else either, I've almost stuffed up a four year degree because of this, so I completely understand you cannot focus on anything else. I wish I had an answer for you to make you forget and feel better, as I would like to as well, but unfortunately I don't

[bryce2102]

Hi Pollara and kb821, I'm sorry to hear of all that has happened to the both of you. I can imagine how terrible it must feel to hold on to someone with the hopes of continuing the relationship and then they dash it for you. But I guess the one who is griefing can't even focus properly and that's why they end up hurting those who truly care for them. It's important then to focus on yourself after all that's happened and do all you can to overcome this. Holding on to hope will only prolong the pain. You could try refocusing on your passion or interests, ones that you probably didn't have the time to pursue after all that's happened. Or maybe a trip overseas would help to clear your thoughts. Loving yourself once again should be your priority. Just my 2 cents worth.

 

To be honest, no one will know how one behaves when griefing, but ultimately, the one who has to step up, face it and get out of it is still the griever. For me I did something which I will regret for a long time to come, and I constantly berate myself for not doing the right thing. However, I am still slowly accepting the fact that I have to learn this the hard way. Many things are not within our control, but we can choose how we react or view them. I hope the both of you get better soon.

[Pollara]

Thanks everyone for your consoling words. Yeah it is this slightly hope that at this time is negative for our healing but I hope I will forget it over time. His exact words were: " "I am sorry that I treated you like that this whole time and I didn't do it on purpose. It was really unfair towards you and because I don't know how this thing is going to last and I don't want you to hold you waiting, that is why I believe it should be better to end it. I wasn't sure about this the whole time that we weren't talking but when I feel an apathy towards everyone and everything it is unfair towards you. What do you think about it?". although it is aν infinitesimal slightly hope, it is still a hope. I wonder why he asked me what do I think about it since he had already made his decision.

The certain thing is that there is no recipe. If it is to happen it will happen. I mean I didn't return to my country in order not to be a burden to him, I left him the entire communication in order not to feel pressured, I even told him to let it go until I return and if he is in the right state of mind we can see it then. In the end I took a: thank you for your patience and your way you handled the matter it really helped me. Yeah and that's why you are breaking up with me huh?

OK on the other hand I understand that since he doesn't know how long his grief is going to last why to wait until I return? Then it might be more unfair towards me and even more devastating for me that I was waiting for all these months. In his shoes I would have probably done the same who knows?

The bad thing is that all my friends in this country left for summer holidays so I am alone here and this doesn't help at all. And it is so hard to focus on something because all my interests and hobbies are mentally related and not physically (I mean I don't go to the gym or anything) so when I am starting let's say to read a book I space out and I cannot focus. I cannot even focus on my job. And I was so good on dealing with break ups. Maybe the nature of this break up is that holds me stuck in this situation.

And there is another tricky part. This guy is not a guy that we broke up and I won't never see him again. We have a lot of common friends and we usually go out all together. What am I supposed to do when I return? Hide myself and not go out with my friends? OK and I can avoid it to some extent if I know he will be there beforehands, but our way of doing things in general is spontaneous. I mean we don't arrange things so he might arrive there suddenly.

Guys believe me it is the only time that I want to totally forget a person. I never said that when I broke up with someone. But I am in so pain for the first time in my life, maybe because I found this whole situation unfair that I even search for tips on how to forget someone

[kb821]

Thank you for your response Bryce2102. I'm sorry that you are also hurting from the other side of the situation. Having regret in your heart is very hard, I am regretting a lot of things I have said recently too since we broke up.... I understand that the person who is grieving can't focus properly on other peoples feelings, he told me himself he doesn't want anyone to depend on anyone or anyone to depend on him. He wants to work and move up in his career, where he said he can be around people that don't care about him and he doesn't care about (Doesn't make me feel better though, especially that since then he has said more things that are cruel to me).. And I also don't believe my ex really wanted to hurt me, but at the same time I still can't believe its happened and he has been so heartless. I know holding on to hope will only prolong the pain, but at the moment hope is the only thing getting me through. I do think keeping busy will help keep my mind of him, so that is my new plan of action.

[Pollara]

Hmm kb I think that unlike my boyfriend that just needs his time alone or something, yours seems like he doesn't want to be around people that have feelings for him and the opposite because he is probably is afraid that he is going to lose them like he lost my brother and thus he wants to break any bonds in order not to be hurt again. He might even feel guilty that he is the source of the problem and that people around him are dying etc. I know it's not rational, but grieving is a strange thing and when I was younger I had two kitties that they died (not one after another) and for many years I thought that it was my fault and animals around me are getting hurt and I didn't want to have a pet. Although I became rational after many years, I kind of understand this feeling. Unfortunately this is his problem at that time and if he doesn't want to solve it himself you cannot do anything. At least mine told me that he is very well aware that he won't grieving for a lifetime and if he does he will seek psychological support, but he doesn't know how this is going to take.

[kb821]

Hey Pollara, Its true that he doesn't want to be around anyone, even his family. He has put in to be transferred with his work so that he can be in another state and not have to see or talk to anyone. Even though I know it is not just me that he doesn't want to talk to, the difference is, he did not tell his family that he never wants to speak to them again, just me. Even as he was writing cold text messages to me, saying that I was already taking up too much of his time when I told him I wasn't going to come to see him anymore, he wrote that he thinks he doesn't deserve anyone anymore anyway and that he has given up on happiness. I'm glad that your boyfriend said that he would seek help if he thought he needed it, I think that's important and at least you know he will one day be ok. I know my ex thinks that he has to do this alone and won't ask anyone for help (even though he clearly needs it). Its not my place now to say that though, so he or his family will have to put that forward as a suggestion. I guess you are right and there are probably more things going on in his head, maybe guilt, regret, sadness and the rest, I have no idea. I just think that he can't imagine life now without his brother in it and can't imagine the idea that he could ever be happy again (maybe he feels guilty to feel happiness when his brother no longer can and won't get to see his daughter grow up... I know its hard for him to even look at his niece as he sees his brother in her). Its so frustrating though, because all I want to do is see him and be there for him. I know I can't do anything, for one I am in another country, so I won't see him and as well now he has stopped all contact and won't return a message. I have apologised for things I have said to him over the last few weeks in my upset state, but I feel like something is missing....

Your boyfriend seems like he just doesn't want you to have to wait for him in case his grieving takes a long time..But unfortunately for me, I think my ex feels that he will feel like this forever. To be honest I know there is nothing I can do, he told me he has shut me out of his life, so the only thing I can do is to keep living my life. I just wish it was that simple

Your message the other day about being in a long term relationship before and breaking up, however this relationship feels different and hurts much more than the last is so true. I have never felt so hurt or sad in my life, I have had previous break up's too (of a 4 year relationship), and I have even lost people in my life, but this feels different, I feel like I have lost part of myself ( I know that sounds ridiculous, but its how I feel).... I just wish time would hurry up so that I would forget.

Hope your ok Pollara...

[Roadkill]

My dad just passed and because of the interactions of my wife, it sealed my decision to leave her. We already were having problems -- I was as she acts like a teenager rather than a partner. So the relationship was long overdue to be buried as well.

[jessielein]

So I hope I am not too late to be the member of these girlfriends.... who feel neglected by their grieving boyfriends.

By the way, I spent my nights lately just to browse at google about the grieving process and so on but I still questioning myself : ''why? why it happens to us.''

I read Pollara's posts at another website and I was just a silent reader but now decided to speak too.

I am feeling hurting and it's so painful that everything has changed between me and my boyfriend. We were only three months together before his sister passed away because of cancer. His mom has passed away since he was a kid, his father remarried and it seems like he doesn't have any good relationship with his step mom and step-brothers. We are in a long distance relationship, he is a british soldier who works in Germany and I study here.

The first three months we had such a great chemistry and understood each other very well. But after his loss, he has changed.

Something that I can't understand is, he doesn't want to share his feelings to me and he seems distant and doesn't care anymore about me. But why? He can have fun and get along with his brother in law or with his sister's best friend or other people but me. Why? I started to blame myself, I really want to understand him and care to him, but how could I do that even if he doesn't let me to? Once we talked about his sister, I opened my arms wanted to hug him but he said annoyingly, "No! I don't like that. I don't like that you feel pity about me!".

I don't know what to do. We almost break up but then I gave him space and things went a little bit better between us. But I feel disconnected to him.

I can't touch his soul. I can't 'talk' to him. I miss him so much, not physically, but mentally, emotionally..

He said that e is sorry that I am maybe unhappy with our relationship (which I am), but he can't do anything about that.

He never calls me again, never cares about my business.. and sometimes I feel like I am being used. For sex.

Like - you have a girlfriend, you have sex with her, but you aren't concerned about her problems. No talks for the future... No romantic dates... I feel everything is pointless. I can't help but only hoping that he will get better, that our relationship will be better.

I don't know whether I shall stay or leave. But on the other side I do like him an am concerned about him. I don't know... What shall I do? I'm a bit relieved that I am not the only one who feel like this. It really tears me up somehow.

[jessielein]

So I hope I am not too late to be the member of these girlfriends.... who feel neglected by their grieving boyfriends.

By the way, I spent my nights lately just to browse at google about the grieving process and so on but I still questioning myself : ''why? why it happens to us.''

I read Pollara's posts at another website and I was just a silent reader but now decided to speak too.

I am feeling hurting and it's so painful that everything has changed between me and my boyfriend. We were only three months together before his sister passed away because of cancer. His mom has passed away since he was a kid, his father remarried and it seems like he doesn't have any good relationship with his step mom and step-brothers. We are in a long distance relationship, he is a british soldier who works in Germany and I study here.

The first three months we had such a great chemistry and understood each other very well. But after his loss, he has changed.

Something that I can't understand is, he doesn't want to share his feelings to me and he seems distant and doesn't care anymore about me. But why? He can have fun and get along with his brother in law or with his sister's best friend or other people but me. Why? I started to blame myself, I really want to understand him and care to him, but how could I do that even if he doesn't let me to? Once we talked about his sister, I opened my arms wanted to hug him but he said annoyingly, "No! I don't like that. I don't like that you feel pity about me!".

I used to message him every morning - until now, but once I forgot to take my phone to work and didn't message him, he messaged me cynically, "no messages today??". But why didn't he just message me and say good morning?

I am confused, feels like everything I do is not right for him.

I don't know what to do. We almost break up, he said he doesn't know what he wants and his feelings for me have gone since his sister died and it has nothing to do with me! (Which I was sure that it was only his grief). I was so angry to hear that, that was so painful for me. After a few hours he said that, he felt bad and contacted me again. I really don't understand about the process of his grief. But then I gave him space and things went a little bit better between us. But I feel disconnected to him.

I can't touch his soul. I can't 'talk' to him. I miss him so much, not physically, but mentally, emotionally..

He said that he is sorry that I am maybe unhappy with our relationship (which I am), but he can't do anything about that.

He never calls me again, never cares about my business.. and sometimes I feel like I am being used. For sex.

Like - you have a girlfriend, you have sex with her, but you aren't concerned about her problems. No talks for the future... No romantic dates... I feel everything is pointless. I can't help but only hoping that he will get better, that our relationship will be better.

I don't know whether I shall stay or leave. But on the other side I do like him and am concerned about him. I don't know... What shall I do? I'm just scared that his feelings for me will really go slowly. Also that he would just take me for granted. It really tears me up somehow. But I'm a bit relieved that I am not the only one who feel like this.

[DaAnimal]

Jessie, if you browsed on the forums, you might have ran into my topic about how I liked a girl and later I found out that her ex passed away. Though I didn't get any response or tips, what helped me through it all was "time" (and I will elaborate more). I know you're dying for answer so I will try my best to provide you a solution based on my experience.

 

Well your story is somewhat similar to mine except that this is a family member. Mine was an "ex" b/f (at least that's what she said). Anyhow, I went through the same path as you are going through it now. I know your pain and I know how you are feeling. You want to be the rock for your boyfriend and you want him to tell you everything he is feeling/thinking/pondering. You want the chemistry that you had prior to this traumatic loss. Truthfully, you just want to be back to your 'normal' relationship waking up in the morning talking to him and/or after work spending hours texting or on the phone. In reality, which overtime I have came to understand, is that people grief in different ways. The gal that I had a relationship with whom had an ex bf pass away grieved in a very different way. Almost similar to your boyfriends. She would be completely normal with her friends and it just seemed like she wasn't grieving at all. But with me, it felt like I was some kind of stranger. It was very strange and odd and even today, I am still clueless as to how that had happened. Anyhow, I was persistent with my texting and communication but I wasn't too headstrong. I would text once every 2-3 days, just a simple, kind text, "wishing you well, this reminded me of you today, etc etc." In the beginning she would respond with a "thank you or that was sweet." But overtime, she began to text me less and less. Heck, we even scheduled a time for us to meet up so I can see how she is doing but she "bailed" last minute. It didn't bother me because I felt she was worth waiting for. Therefore, I didn't want to cut off all communications with her. As 3 weeks go by, I stopped talking to her for about 4 days and out of the blue I get a text from her telling me she's back! I was hesitant as to whether or not I should call or text, but I texted back instead. I didn't get a response from her until the next day. Then that's where things got sour. She explained to me that she's sorry for all this and that she's struggling to get back to her normal self. She explained to me that she is currently on a recovery health plan (maybe taking meds?). On top of that, she said that the person who passed away was an ex bf. Like any normal, decent, kind hearted person, I responded with, "there's no need to apologize and that when you're ready my ears and arms will be open, but in the mean time I am here to support you." Maybe that's where I screwed up. Maybe I told her too many times that I would be there for her. But after that text, that was the last thing I heard from her. I tried texting her a few more time as the days went by. Just simple ones and my last one was "Hi, how are you doing?" Dead cold silence...

 

I can tell you that what hurts the most was the fact that she ignored my texts. She blatantly tells me she was back and then disappears from my life. Furthermore, she kept leading me on by responding to me and she kept giving me false hope. And in your case, sex with your current bf.

 

My suggestion to you is to really think about the long term opportunity you have with this boyfriend. You seem like a very caring person and that your current bf is not reciprocating. Giving them the space and time alone can do wonders but it can also cause distance. I have learned that communication is key in a successful relationship. If your boyfriend truly cares about you and truly feels that you are the one, HE WILL let you know or at least tell you in some kind of form/ways. For instance, if I had a family pass away, and if I was in a relationship, I would tell my gf "You know I really see a future in us and I want to continue to build on this relationship. Please understand that the death of my father was not your fault and I dont want you to feel sorry for me. Give me some time alone and we will continue where we left off."

 

So in essence Jess, start to think about your current relationship. Do you think he's the one? Do you see a future with him? If you don't it would be better for you to break it off sooner than later and when the time is right, he will come knocking on your door one day. But perhaps that day you will be happily married or is currently seeing someone better? Let yourself heal and at the same time, let your bf heal/grieve. Start loving yourself and understand that whatever he is going through, you can't speed up the process. Even though you want to and even though you want to be there to help, it will just cause him to push you further and further away. This is something that he has to battle through! Depending on his maturity and experience he will realize what is more important to him.

 

I hope this helps.

 

In case you're wondering what happened to my gal? It's been about a month since we spoke. text. or hung out. I see her on facebook ALL the time, chatting it up with her friends, liking pages, commenting, etc etc. But recently, I blocked her from my account because I needed to grow up and frankly, I just pity her selfishness. I can't be wasting my precious time on someone who is so indecisive about life and so immature about their feelings. This was truly a learning lesson for me and I am so happy that this happened to me sooner than later. Furthermore, I don't see this 'breakup' as a failure, it is an answer to a question and the successful conclusion of my relationship. I really felt that this whole my gal losing her ex bf thing was a blessing. It gave me a better understanding of relationships and myself. I realized that for me to find someone to spend the rest of my life with is a process! Meaning, You will be rejected, date around, date some winners, date some losers, have several long term relationships, go through several break ups, get screwed over, screw people over, have disappointments, have fun, have ups and downs, good days, bad days, make mistakes, learn from your mistakes, adjust your GF / BF picker as you mature and grow, be infatuated several times, fall in "love" (immature and mature versions of "love") several times, have your heart broken several times, break several hearts, become more selective, etc. I just need to grow a pair of thicker skin and not take things so personally.

 

Good luck Jess!

[kb821]

I realized that for me to find someone to spend the rest of my life with is a process! Meaning, You will be rejected, date around, date some winners, date some losers, have several long term relationships, go through several break ups, get screwed over, screw people over, have disappointments, have fun, have ups and downs, good days, bad days, make mistakes, learn from your mistakes, adjust your GF / BF picker as you mature and grow, be infatuated several times, fall in "love" (immature and mature versions of "love") several times, have your heart broken several times, break several hearts, become more selective, etc. I just need to grow a pair of thicker skin and not take things so personally.

 

That is so true!!!

[jessielein]

Thank you, DaAnimal for your reply. I really appreciate it, you are definitely right. But I think I will give it a little bit more time.

I can't say, ''Oh yes, he is THE ONE!'' at the moment. Frankly, I am not really sure but I can't imagine myself losing him yet.

I know in a relationship, it takes also sacrifice and compromise. But sometimes I just don't realise the difference between sacrificing and suffering. Maybe.

The last weekend I fought with him and I told him everything what I have thought and felt. He stayed at my place at Friday and we planned to go swimming together at Saturday. But at Friday night he dreamed about his sister and at Saturday morning, he asked, ''Do you mind if we don't go swim?''. I was annoyed, because that was not the first time he always cancelled what we supposed to do together. After having a discussion, I said to him, ''Of course we won't go swim! You're always fond of doing anything with everybody except me! I saw your pictures with your ex girlfriends, you went out, you did something interesting. But with me? We just stay home and never go out!''. He said that it was a different time with his ex girlfriend, which means, because now his sister has already passed away and it has changed himself. After that he just left. - Poor me!

And then he said at Sunday he would come to visit me, which he cancelled it (AGAIN), with the reason he didn't feel right. Today I received a notification from the immigration office, which said I have to go back to my country and can't extend my visa here. I told him about that, he SEEMED worry, and he said, ''I care about it, because it's not just your problem, but it's ours.'' I felt a bit better after he said that, but then in the evening I really need someone to settle down because I have to leave so far away in a bit, which means I won't see him again, and I said I need him to be with me. He said, ''I'm sorry I can't come today.'' (which the last days he said he WILL come to see me today). Well, for me it's okay, he is tired because of the army exercise and tomorrow he got to wake up early. But at least I can see what happens lately and I can take it into consideration. I am quite sure that I will get the new visa, but still, feels like he doesn't really care. Why said care when the truth he doesn't?

 

And daAnimal, I'm sorry too to hear about the girl you like(/d). But actually for me, it seems a bit strange, why does she have to cope about the death of her ex boyfriend?? How long were they together? Still, it's a bit weird. And I think it must be more painful for you because she is grieving because of her EX BOYFRIEND. But seems like she made it just for a reason? Well, I don't mean to judge because I don't even know her at all. Seems like you really care about her but she neglects you for some reasons... But you've chosen your way to forget her. So I hope you've taken the right decision. I feel that you were really into her... I am sure she will regret it someday. But also good luck for you and hope you're okay! x

[Dontunderstand]

I've been reading this thread over the weekend. It's like a weight has been shifted, because until I saw this I really had no idea that what's happened to my love could be a reaction to bereavement.

 

I really need help on what to do next, although a part of me feels like I've done so much damage it may be too late.

 

My story: My ex and I were very much in love. He has told me he had never felt this way about anyone before. I was blindsided last year when he broke up with me out of the blue, via text. I admit I chased him & kept contacting him for weeks after, because I felt like his dumping me was a reaction to stress. I went NC for 2 months, though I constantly thought if him & kept him in my heart while I tried to move on and date again. Finally I put my pride aside & told him I still cared for him & missed him. He admitted the same, and said he thought of contacting me 'but just wasn't sure.' I still don't understand, because I thought I had made it obvious with my keeping in touch that I wanted a reconciliation all along. Was it his pride getting in the way? Inexperience in relationships? He is 11 years younger and I don't think he has ever been in a truly serious relationship before.

 

Well we ended up getting back together. We were very happy, and he said he was so glad I took the risk and reached out to him. During this time, the anniversary of the death of a very close family member if his passed. I know he tried to hide his pain, but said he cried at work when he realized what day it was. He was cold to me when I said if he needed to talk about it, he replied 'there is nothing to talk about.' So I spent time with him, and was silently supportive. I tried to make it easier on him by making dinner, doing his laundry, taking care if his dog. We did not live together, but he would stay at my house for days on end.

 

About 2 weeks later, his stepmom with whom he was very close, as well as an uncle that he was not close with died in the same day. Both were ill with cancer for some time, so it was not expected. He went from being a sweet, attentive man who would spend days on end with me, being the 1st & last person I talked to everyday, telling me he loved me, to dropping off the face of the earth within 24 hrs.

 

At the time, I thought he was upset and needed a few days to deal with his emotions. I backed off because of his reaction to me before when I told him I was there if he needed to talk.

 

So on Wed he loves me, goes home that weekend for the funeral, and by Mon he is still ignoring me. I got the dreaded 'can we talk' text on Tues. Because he dumped me before, I admit I basically freaked out.

 

I responded to him via text 'that I knew he was dumping me, that he has hurt me so much, and why doesn't he admit he is coming to talk so he can dump me.' He again said 'can I see you?' I was just so hurt that I continued to go off about how much he has hurt me, how I gave him everything, and he gave me nothing. To which he responded 'I'm sorry. Let's just call it quits.'

 

Except I kept going. I told him that I pray no one ever hurts him the way he did to me. That I am tired of being his doormat...and I kept going on & on. He replied that he is 'sorry & for what its worth he didn't mean to.' I just couldn't let it go. I told him people inly say they didn't mean to to soothe their guilt. Ugh, I wish I had just stopped.

 

He replied that he is sorry, and that he won't bother me again & will leave me alone. That really hurt because it's not what I wanted in my heart. I truly love him & wanted him in my life. I felt like he was nicely trying to tell ME not to contact him again. I ended my message to him by telling him to google commitment phobe & fear of intimacy because he is a textbook case.

 

I really regret my words. I wish I could take them back. I called him that night, but he didn't answer so I hung up. The next day he texted 'I'm sorry to bother you, but I saw you called was there something you needed from me?' I replied that I wanted to say sorry for my nasty messages from the night before. He said 'no harm, no foul, I deserved it. I have a lot going on too & I handled our whole relationship poorly.'

 

I am an idiot. I replied with mundane garbage about my day. He sent a 1 word response - cool. Was he apologizing to me? Was he saying he regretted even being in our relationship? Does he never want to see me ever again? I am so confused because during our 1st breakup I thought I was making it obvious that I wanted him back, but it still didn't register with him.

 

So after reading this thread, I think his distancing him to me was a reaction to his grief over death. I had been texting him about 1x a week over the last 6 weeks since our breakup to keep him updated on a medical issue I'm dealing with. He usually responded with very short answers. He never initiates the texts.

 

I am on the 1st week of strict NC. Part of me hopes that he will miss me, that he will realize what he has lost. But I also feel like I really ruined things by my nasty messages, and that he may be happy to be completely rid of me. I love him, and want him back, but it would also be our 3rd try & I realize that's a little nuts in itself.

 

I know I've written a novel, but I needed to vent. My friends don't understand, and have flat out said they are sick of this topic & are completely ignoring me if I mention it.

 

Have I ruined it for good? Has he lost all feelings for me? Will his pride be so overwhelming that he will just push me out if his memories forever? He admitted that he missed me so much during the 1st breakup that he even stacked pillows next to him in bed to make it feel like I was sleeping next to him again. But still he didn't contact me, but was so happy when I reached out to him & we got back together? Even in the beginning of our reconciliation he just seemed so unsure of my feelings for him, even though I felt like I was basically throwing myself at him to make it obvious.

 

I just don't know what to do next. If I stay NC will he think I am mot interested in a reconciliation, and I've lost him forever? I wish I had a time machine to take back my words.

 

Please give me advice

[mhowe]

I'm not sure he is going to forget your words very soon. And texting him about your medical thing is just an excuse to text. Since he is still dealing with both deaths, I would say just go NC for a few months and if at some point to want to reach out -- fine. But I don't see another reconciliation in your future ---

[nyxy]

Everyone deals with death in a slightly different way, but until you lose someone you are that close to, you can't imagine the pain that it brings.

 

"Dropping off the face of the earth" isn't uncommon, nor is fighting with loved ones, needing to be alone with your thoughts, or losing interest in other ventures (prime example: relationships). The only thing you can do is give them time to grieve - if they still want the relationship, they will come back.

 

I lost someone insanely close to me a couple of months ago. I couldn't eat, sleep, speak to people, or function. "Concern" made matters worse - I needed to be alone, and I needed that until I made a conscious decision to pull myself back together. Let them know you're there for them, but let them come to you.

[DaAnimal]

Sorry it took me awhile to respond. I was out of the country for work. To answer your question about her ex, I really don't know and frankly, I could care less. That's her personal issue and it is not my business to find out. But I am assuming that she still had deep feelings for him after they had broken up, so thus she is filled with regrets. But you're absolutely right, why grieve on an ex? Seems quite immature if you ask me. I really did care about her and it's odd that she neglected everything I had said or didn't reciprocate. But in hindsight, I think it was a blessing that this had happen. Imagine if we were married or had kids together, she disappears like that... how would that make me feel or my kids? It's a pity because I felt we could have taken it to the next level. And believe me, it was difficult to forget about her. I went through a couple of stages: confusion/remorse - sad/depressed - anger/hatred - acceptance/moving on.

 

One thing that helped me the most was completely cutting her off my life, meaning deleting everything from social media, conversations, and things that reminded me of her. Furthermore, talking to close friends and family members really helped as well. My father and grandfather woke me up from all the madness that I was going through. Sometimes I feel like we try too hard when it comes to relationships. You know there is a common saying "Never put all your eggs in one basket."

 

Jess, I hope you are well. You seem like a really nice gf and you deeply care about him. I can't really advise you on what to do but one thing I can suggest is don't waste too much time. You got a life of your own and you need to focus on what's important in your life. Keep us posted on your adventure.

[jessielein]

Hello all!

 

Just want to give an update, my boyfriend and I are doing well. Our relationship is not perfect and I can't say that I am very happy in this relationship at the moment, but still have faith that everything will be better in the future.

He starts to open up to me and talks about how he is feeling. And since he told me how he is going through, I've started to understand more. It's very hard, though. But I'm glad that he talked with me quite a lot about that. His sister was the closest person to him and no wonder that he has changed a lot since she's gone. For the girlfriends who have grieving boyfriends (or vice versa), I would say that it's not going to be easy. At the first time, I felt that I am used, that I am no longer a girlfriend for him. You'd probably feel neglected, pushed away or even worse, but if you do care for your partner, you have to work on it but not by pushing or smothering him. But of course, you also need your partner's intervention. If your partner also still has feelings for you, he will has an initiative to contact you.

 

In our case, I gave him space and didn't demand him to give me a lot of attention or care more for me, because you know, he doesn't even be able to care about himself a lot, and how would he be able to care more about anybody else? I started to make myself happy by myself, loving myself, get new hobbies-guitar and piano and did interesting stuffs with friends (developing and taking care about myself) and not to be bothered about our relationship. But beside that, I still text him to ask how he is, etc. But the good thing is, he texts me first every morning, and still wants to meet me at least once a week. Just because of small things like that, it makes me feel better, because it shows that he still thinks of me. Even though he can't give me more joy or happiness in this relationship (which he doesn't have for himself at the moment). This is a very hard work, you need a lot of patience, self-awareness, understanding and also avoid to be selfish. He starts to trust me, and tells me more than anybody else. I just have faith that everything will be better at the right time.

 

Today is his sister's birthday, he is going to the cemetery to "celebrate" her birthday. I was aware and didn't try to talk about it before he start to. Usually, birthdays, anniversaries are huge reminders and he seems don't have any motivation again today. But I still try to understand.

 

I don't know how this case would be in other relationship, because every relationship is different and it depends on the people who are involved. Even my boyfriend is a soldier, who seems very strong, tough, etc, (and that's what the people usually think), but I can see the other side of him which is soft. And it works also for me, like I always seem arrogant and smart to other people, but he can see silliness and goofy side of me. Also, I have lived alone in Germany without a single of family since I was 18 years old, which I always looked happy outside and never cried in front of other people, but I can be fragile and cry in front of my boyfriend. So, I think, the point is, it depends on how your relationship with your partner is. And I am staying together with him not because I am alone and need a boyfriend to take care of me or to give me joy and happiness. It doesn't mean that I am not loving myself by letting myself stay in a not-very-happy relationship, but I am aware that a happiness doesn't come from someone else, and my boyfriend is not responsible of my happiness. But I am still staying because I do care for him, I can't care less about him, so at the moment, the most important for me is, that he will be better in time, that he will be happy again someday.

 

Plus, we are now in a long distance relationship, because he is having a course in the UK for about 3 months (which almost a month passed), and he still texts me first in the morning when I wake up-which show that he still wants to be with me. A lot of people said that the possibility for us to be together is very small, but I am glad until now we still able to cope. I never know what the future bring us, and why do we meet and being together in this difficult time, but I just have faith that everything will be better at the right time. Wish us luck! Will keep update our story and good luck for the others! . Jessie x

[dinosaur]

Hi, i was reading thru everyone's post the whole day and decide to register to share my story.

 

i'm 27 this year and my ex, 25, broke up with me last week.

 

we were together in may'08, her dad who was v close to her passed away in nov'08. January this year i suggested that we should apply for a house for our future. she hesitated and then wrote me a letter to break up. reason was that on the very night her dad came back drunk, i was on the phone with her. she was happily chatting with me until she noticed something was wrong with her dad and called the ambulance. it was too late, her dad had succumbed to a heart attack. and for this reason, she felt that she couldnt spend the rest of her life with me. all this while, from 2008 to 2012, she did not tell anyone how she felt regarding her dad's passing, not even her family, best friends or myself. i didnt want to bring up because i didnt want to remind her of it. seemed like i made a wrong move.

 

we spoke and i told her i will be giving her all the time she needed. my priority was first to help her get over this grief. or at least she shouldnt feel guilty because she had done her best. our r/s was my secondary concern. in march'13, i wrote her a letter to show her my support and that we will go thru this together. end up with she breaking up with me because she felt that she didnt want to waste my time as i was getting older, and she don't think that she can overcome this problem. on the weekend that we were supposed to return each other's belonging, we both cried and decided to give one more try. this time, she was willing to go for counselling which i had suggested.

 

last week aug'2013, she said 'we needed to talk' and that after talking for about an hr, she say that she had tried her best but she really felt that she can no longer continue in the relationship. obviously i am sad. I have lost my gf and my best friend over this 5 years, even though we are still very much in love with one another. i felt that she is going through 'double punishment', losing her dad and then her bf to the same event. and it's not like her family disapprove us. in fact, in the 6mths that i knew her dad, he quite liked me as well.

 

since last week till now, we have not contacted one another. the only thing that i got her to promise is that she must tell her sister the truth, as i felt that now that im gone, one of her love one ought to know what is going on within her. she is the dream girl, good morals, values, looks, filial, everything that i was looking for in a girl.

 

even now, i still hope to help her overcome this grief. whether we can make it together, it's secondary.

[melspi]

Hi everyone.

 

I too just had my significant other's relative pass away. I did some searching on Google and found this thread, and am amazed so many people are experiencing the same sort of thing I am. I am sorry that so many other people are going through this, but reading your stories has helped me to feel less alone. So I thank everyone for posting theirs here.

 

My boyfriend's dad died on Tuesday, and it has been extremely traumatic for him. He made a post about it on Facebook, and immediately when I saw the post I called him to make sure he was okay. But he wasn't okay. He could barely string sentences together and I could tell he was on the verge of crying. He stayed on the phone for a total of 3 minutes, and then rather abruptly ended it. At the time, I could understand this. His dad had just died and I understood his wounds were very much fresh.

 

It was our next phone conversation we had that seriously alarmed me. He said things like he "didn't feel the same" and that he wasn't sure he wanted to be close to anyone anymore because it hurts too much to lose them. Though these words disturbed me, I was hopeful that things could still work out and that I just needed to give him time.

 

Well, today we had an even more intense phone conversation. I missed him and called him to see if he was ready to hang out, and he said he wasn't. And that's when he started saying some really disturbing stuff. He said that he is considering cutting out everyone close to him from his life, including me. His explanation was that it hurts too much to lose people close to him, and so he would rather not have close relationships than lose people he is close to. He also mentioned that he wants to make a big change in his life and is thinking about moving to Germany. Moving to Germany has always been something he talked about doing, but until now he saw it as a far-off thing and certainly not something he would do in the near future.

 

I am just feeling lost and depressed. I really don't want to lose my boyfriend, but I feel like it's inevitable that he'll break up with me soon. I told him that he's thinking irrationally and shouldn't make rash decisions, and he promised me he wouldn't. But I'm not sure if I can trust that. I just want my old boyfriend back, the guy who made me laugh and smile. We never had a perfect relationship, but at least we were on the same page and knew we wanted to stay together. But now I feel as though we're on different planets and I don't even know who he is anymore. It's scary how much a death can change a person and how they want to live their life.

 

I just hope that things work out between me and him. It hasn't even been a week since his dad died, so maybe in time he'll start thinking more rationally. I just don't understand the concept of having no close relationships because you're scared of losing the people you're close to. Wouldn't that make life bleak and pointless? I tried telling him this but he said he felt like I was attacking him. I just want things to get better.

[dinosaur]

i forgot the important stuff. anyone with past experience can advise? my case may or may not be the same as your experience, but would like some advice so i can decide what i can do from here. thanks!