The reconciliation process - my theory

[ngu11]

yeah hes responded with a comment of how im on fire lol ...think its best not to over do it and bow out on up.....for now

 

Yeah, best in moderation me thinks! Give your flames chance to be felt

[Tired Tiger]

Finally with regards to patience, this is more about detaching yourself from the outcome of every conversation or move. If I ask my ex a question and it takes her 2 days to reply, without me sweating it and reacting, isn't this patience?

 

"Patience" implies waiting for a specific outcome, which certainly isn't related to detachment. Perhaps a better way to look at it is to consider the real agenda behind asking her a question, rather than if you're practicing self control while waiting for an answer.

[ngu11]

"Patience" implies waiting for a specific outcome, which certainly isn't related to detachment. Perhaps a better way to look at it is to consider the real agenda behind asking her a question, rather than if you're practicing self control while waiting for an answer.

 

Valid point but overruled! Implication is based on perception, which very often can be far removed from the truth. You assume that my patience won't go the distance.... i.e. the rest of my life! You'd be wrong and that my friend, is detachment. Although I will admit, I carry a level of expectation...I guess it's natural.

[CMS]

Valid point but overruled! Implication is based on perception, which very often can be far removed from the truth. You assume that my patience won't go the distance.... i.e. the rest of my life! You'd be wrong and that my friend, is detachment. Although I will admit, I carry a level of expectation...I guess it's natural.

 

Expectation is dangerous ground, when you expect something, your action will reflect it subconsciously, You can act like you have no expectation, but if you hold some ulterior motives within you instead of just letting things develop on their own, then soon or later your action would not be congruent with your inner state of mind. Expect nothing and it will show in your behavior that you are truly not needy and its very attractive.

[BONO]

I agree with the majority of this. The key though is significant time and space to get persective. 2-3 months does seem to be the right amount of time. I also agree that there is then a blurring of dumper and dumpee by then if the dumper is not persued. However, once contact is sought you must be be OK with the fact that you might not get any response to you coming forward. If you are OK with that - then fine. Slowly does it.

[hausser]

Expectation is dangerous ground, when you expect something, your action will reflect it subconsciously, You can act like you have no expectation, but if you hold some ulterior motives within you instead of just letting things develop on their own, then soon or later your action would not be congruent with your inner state of mind. Expect nothing and it will show in your behavior that you are truly not needy and its very attractive.

 

True that.

[Etijor]

Good guide. I would urge caution on a few of those points for some people who have been through a recent breakup though. Having had a few myself the initial thoughts of reconciliation can distract the mind from actually improving on your life. Sure, thoughts of reconcilliation can motivate you but you need to get on with things and stop focusing on your partner. I also don't think that 3-6 weeks is anywhere near long enough for you to properly get over the situation and make any change in your life. 3 weeks is a drop in the ocean really. I'd think more like a year would be a good time period.

 

Also I disagree completely against dating other people to get over your ex. those people have feelings too, and its unfair for you to waste months or their life and make them emotionally attached just to get over your most recent breakup.

 

I think when the time comes that your ex wants to speak to you than yeah the guide may be helpful, but in many ways it may continue to make people not see the forest for the trees so to speak.

[BONO]

1 year ! Is'nt 3 months of NC enough if you are OK with whatever the outcome ?

[1guygirl]

yes you can let go, of them and the relationship, you have to, but ultimately it all hinges on whether the two people have grown, and willing to not make the same mistakes again. gotta bring something new to the table...simply put...it can only work if you/they have changed.

 

otherwise its jus gunna be a case of rinse and repeat.

 

and i for one would rather carry on as i am than go through the same cycle. i value myself and my heart too much to settle for the past. ive decided im gunna do NIC. i am also gunna ask one of my friends to check something out. my ex has his profile open to me but one comment, a comment he made saying "TF went from being in a relationship to being single, TF likes this" ...if thats still on there after all this time, and after his constant contact, his apparent disappointment when ive not jumped at meeting him, and he knows that comment hurt me when i found out, well, i dont see a reason to invest further.

 

why would i wanna be with anyone who likes being single from me? why would i even converse with them. best i find out sooner rather than later. i wont call him out on it,or make a scene, i will just let the contact peater off

 

oh and side note peeps....this power play thing of deliberately waiting hours and hours, or next day before you respond...so see through, and its offputting, my ex while keeping contact is clearly playing this and my interest is waning tbh...its games and showing me im not a priority as per usual in his life....im still waaay down there on his list of options it seems (because he can reply to others on wall but leave it a few more hours to reply to me a lil comment)...

 

games....not attractive

 

jus summit to bear in mind....

[ngu11]

I love your 'Northern Lass" attitude! I wouldn't sweat the 'like' though...seems like it's more for his own ego than anything else. A lot of people have a strange habit of trying to convince themselves/prove something to themselves overtly to seek attention. It's transparent!

 

My ex started off with the delayed responses however, we're back in free flow now. This changes depending on 'your' attitude and reaction or lack of to them.

 

 

You made a good point about it having to be both parties committed to growth...this ultimately is what governs the time that the distance is required.

[carrie8484]

the reason ngu's posts are so refreshing is because surely in order to potentially attract an ex back you have to be positive in your approach, actions, self belief etc Whilst being cautious and careful at the same time, obviously. This is attractive in itself and surely is how the ''law of attraction'' or the ''secret'' works

[1guygirl]

I love your 'Northern Lass" attitude! I wouldn't sweat the 'like' though...seems like it's more for his own ego than anything else. A lot of people have a strange habit of trying to convince themselves/prove something to themselves overtly to seek attention. It's transparent!

 

My ex started off with the delayed responses however, we're back in free flow now. This changes depending on 'your' attitude and reaction or lack of to them.

 

You made a good point about it having to be both parties committed to growth...this ultimately is what governs the time that the distance is required.

 

hahaha how did you know (or kna im a northern lass

 

thanks for your input, and male perspective there nu yeah the free flow inboxes were like lightening at first and its clearly a game of him trying to set the pace again, and in a way he maybe doesnt wanna come off as desperate or ruin it by overdoing it...

 

ego...daymn....such a small word for such an overinflated yet fragile thing but do i want my own self esteem/worth, kicked into the ground because of his ego? simply, no. i dont.

[ngu11]

the reason ngu's posts are so refreshing is because surely in order to potentially attract an ex back you have to be positive in your approach, actions, self belief etc Whilst being cautious and careful at the same time, obviously. This is attractive in itself and surely is how the ''law of attraction'' or the ''secret'' works

 

Aww...thanks Carrie! lovely post. I hope you're well! x

[ngu11]

hahaha how did you know (or kna im a northern lass

 

thanks for your input, and male perspective there nu yeah the free flow inboxes were like lightening at first and its clearly a game of him trying to set the pace again, and in a way he maybe doesnt wanna come off as desperate or ruin it by overdoing it...

 

ego...daymn....such a small word for such an overinflated yet fragile thing but do i want my own self esteem/worth, kicked into the ground because of his ego? simply, no. i dont.

 

Haha...i've done my travels...fluent in many British dialects

 

It becomes a balancing act between your own self assurance and their ego/actions. I find that the more they do things to suggest that we're not the one for them, the easier it is detach and ignore...the more they give, the easier it becomes to be receptive!

[1guygirl]

Haha...i've done my travels...fluent in many British dialects

 

It becomes a balancing act between your own self assurance and their ego/actions. I find that the more they do things to suggest that we're not the one for them, the easier it is detach and ignore...the more they give, the easier it becomes to be receptive!

 

hehe...

 

and so right what you said...cos hes saying im a friend and how its all good that were talking now, but then im getting kisses and i swear i could feel the guttedness accross the screen when he asked "any way you can get that tshirt back to me? " and i jus said yeah, whats your address and i'll post it sometime next week. i go past his to one of my jobs, i reckon he expected me to say i can drop it off if ya likes.

 

i think whats happening here we are BOTH in self assurance mode, playing it safe and getting guarded...we both been hurt no doubt about it, but i know we both love each other too. we do share the same insecurities too, and he reacts like i used to couple years back, but then hes a year younger than me. IF we came about, we could have the ability to be so open about our fears and work on them together too, we on the same page, we should be on the same team, and it could lead to a depth of mutual understanding, and done in love.

 

it jus feels likes we have this potential to grow, and grow together, but we also have this great potential to ricochet off each other and into outer space. all because...lets be honest here...of fear.

 

and yet im willing to open up my soul to him, but if hes still hiding behind himself, behind the strong graceful dignified guy he can be and fell in love with, then it aint gunna work. we both need to be open for anything to work. and im not sure he can. but he has done, in past, is why i stuck it out with him, but then it would revert back to him closing down.

 

sorry for ramble, but this may come in handy later down the line depending on what happens between me and ex. may aswell right the bugger down now while i can articulate it and feel it, cos it may jus go back into my subconcious, hidden from view again hehe

[carrie8484]

ngu can i pm you? got a slight update/need your advice x

[ngu11]

ngu can i pm you? got a slight update/need your advice x

 

Of course mate.. x

[ngu11]

Expectation is dangerous ground, when you expect something, your action will reflect it subconsciously, You can act like you have no expectation, but if you hold some ulterior motives within you instead of just letting things develop on their own, then soon or later your action would not be congruent with your inner state of mind. Expect nothing and it will show in your behavior that you are truly not needy and its very attractive.

 

Not really mate, I'm so far from breaking point you couldn't imagine. My motives are without doubt to get back with her otherwise I would just ignore her...but i'm not doing anything to prevent things form moving on naturally. However, this advice from you is extremely relevant to those who are not in control of their emotions. My actions come from confidence...I see the results which leads to expectation. I expect that it will be sunny tomorrow however, if it rains...my day won't be floored you know?

[ngu11]

I agree with the majority of this. The key though is significant time and space to get persective. 2-3 months does seem to be the right amount of time. I also agree that there is then a blurring of dumper and dumpee by then if the dumper is not persued. However, once contact is sought you must be be OK with the fact that you might not get any response to you coming forward. If you are OK with that - then fine. Slowly does it.

 

I don't agree with the 'blurring' so much but I understand the point you're making my friend.

[ngu11]

This is exactly why you know it's best to take it slowly and keep ones cool! You know the drill

[1guygirl]

You know the drill

 

ya...dont i just *rolls eyes*

 

will keep you updated if owt happens...

[mhowe]

Guess I'm going to have to side with TT on this....letting go is really the only way to go. Expectations, and especially unrealistic expectations, are the precursor to killing a successful reconciliation. I can honestly say that it wasn't until I was capable of talking with ex regarding some contracting work and without a thought to our previous relationship, that I had, in fact, let go.....and that was when he came back. Previous attempts by him at "breadcrumbs" were met by me with a smile and a quick chat ---- but absolutely no follow up on my side.

 

Letting go and accepting that the past is the past, and that the future will of necessity, be a completely new relationship, is, IMO, the way to go. And whether or not the ex comes back, you have achieved the goal.

[Thorshammer]

I was going to use a similar plan as well, which I originally got from material I read, and from my mothers advice (of all people... lol). But my hatred grows right now, I wont have the patience to talk to her, I would rather forget her. Though for some strange reason I had a week of being happy, now I am being lonely and missing her.

 

Anyways, to add from some other stuff I have read:

You reach out according to how needy and desperate you were on last contact. The more desperate and needy, the more time you have to wait to reach out and "friend" them. Also, unless they have a new person in their life, and/or if there really is no chance there, then your ex should have a few weeks of freedom, relief and happiness in leaving you. At some point reality of you being gone will hit them (which is why contacting them can ruin things and lose them forever), and slowly the tables turn, you are slowly backing away, and they will be curious to what you are doing, or they will be wonder if they did a mistake as this freedom might not be all that its cracked up to be. This prompts people to distract themselves, be at social events with supporting friends, or rebounds. By moving on you reach out when you are in a position of strength.

 

Note, the dumper has to have left you either because they are confused, they want to party, your behavior changed, etc. Some have gone through many months of deciding, and they gave us many chances that we didnt realize (but they failed to communicate to us) and nothing will bring some of these people back.

[lemsip]

If "letting go" means moving on and genuinely not needing them in your life anymore then it's highly likely, surely, that if they came back you'd tell them to get lost?

[mhowe]

No necessarily --- big difference between needing them in your life and wanting them in your life. Also, if they addressed issues that needed addressing and were causing the disconnect in the relationship....then, coming back all good!!