Was dumped last year, but feel worse now than when I was initially dumped?

[MEE123]

When I was first dumped, I felt like I didn't deserve to be dumped because I had tried so hard to be a good gf. I put so much of myself into the relationship and I guess in some way I set myself up for failure/serious heartbreak because I had never tried like that before. Now, I just can't stop focusing on all the things I did wrong and I feel so damn guilty. It sucks because I really did try and everything just when to crap. Whats worse is that my ex is off having a blast with a new gf.. and this really isn't a bad thing for him. Good for him (and I genuinely mean that). Shoot, I just feel like I don't how to live? I'm just a big waste of space. I feel like I didn't deserve him in the first place even though I'm well aware that he was a complete to me (I know that I don't want him back, I know so in my heart and mind). So then, why do I feel like this? I feel like I don't even measure up to the value he has/his worth. At the same time, I guess I did deserve getting dumped because I was "emotional", lacked drive and ambition, kinda just followed whatever, didn't have a backbone and was walked all over. It was my fault, entirely. I feel like I'm stuck in a rut (a relatively small one-- these feelings may end up just passing considering I'm definitely not as attached as I was initially).

[doodledee27]

Hey, I'm kinda in the same situation as you. I'm 19 years old and I got dumped by my first boyfriend about a year ago. However, I can say that I'm 98 percent over him. Sure, it hurts sometimes, but I'm over it more than not and it gets easier each day.

 

You should cut off all contact with him (if you haven't already). Every time you call you, text him, or even look at his FaceBook, you're signing a virtual agreement to let heartbreak * * * * * -slap you. You should go out, have fun with friends, and flirt. Be thankful the relationship ended when it did and that you didn't spend most of your life with someone who didn't stick around towards the end. Please realize you'll find other great guys.

 

Don't call yourself a waste of space; you're feeling sad. That's NORMAL. You're young, you don't know how to handle all these horrible feelings that come with a breakup. Don't beat yourself up for being human and feeling pain. If you dislike yourself for being overly emotional, DON'T. This is who you are, you feel things intensely. Your highs are amazing and your lows suck.

 

Also, unlike most people, I don't think analyzing relationships is good for getting over them. I think certain truths reveal themselves much later. Mulling over what you did wrong will just make you feel like poop. Also, I really, really doubt you were what was wrong with the relationship. I'm sure he wasn't the perfect boyfriend. Don't idealize him. But then again, don't obsess over the details of the relationship. Don't do it. Forget about it. Live your life.

 

Learn to love yourself. From your post, I gather that you're kinda hard on yourself and that you're insecure. Investigate how to expand your self-love and trust me, someone who can love you for the emotional person you are will show up...eventually. After all, you're 19. So just learn and enjoy your experiences until then!

[top bloke]

The secret is to get to know the person first before you give your heart and your best. If you know them first then you can love them and theyll love you back.You wont be dissapointed because if you see something you dont like then you walk away before you get in too deep. Take care.

[catfeeder]

Think of a big puzzle with all of us being pieces. We're each meant to fit with someone, but odds are against matching up with that person without first trying to assign that role to some wrong people. The earlier we seek a match, the more likely it will be wrong. We haven't developed the life skills to seek a 'good' match with our core personality, because we still haven't learned what that IS.

 

The wrong person will not have the ability to view you through the right lens. So when someone rejects you, it means he can't 'see' you well enough. That speaks of his limits, not of any deficiency in you. But it only takes one good match--and you can't have that with everybody. If love isn't rare, what makes it special?

 

All the 'trying' in the world won't change a wrong match into a right one. It'll just be there whether you're on your best behavior, or not. So stop worrying about doing it 'right'--and don't ever (ever!) cater to someone who mistreats you again.

 

This is where growing into your Self is important. This is true for every young person. It doesn't mean there's anything 'wrong' with you. We all need to explore interests, develop our own unique gifts and focus on building a private passion for something other than getting 'rescued'. Solo time is for building yourself UP. Your course will change to matching with a good person--not 'any' person. You'll settle for nobody BUT someone who sees you through loving eyes. The one who gets you. Everyone else will fall away, and that's good. You'll want wrong matches to pass early.

Loving others well is a reflection of how you view yourself. So when you're insecure, work backwards. Teach yourself to relax, find your niche, help other people, grow confident. Make your life about what you're giving rather than getting. If that sounds like a lot of work, it's easier than trying to muster up a false personality for one person. Extending love to many makes it your default position--it becomes natural, it frees the mind and it builds new pathways in the brain. THAT is attractive. The rewards will prove themselves in ways you can't even imagine--and these are gifts only YOU can give to your Self

[MEE123]

Really puts some things in perspective and brightened my outlook a bit : ) You're totally right it'd probably hurt a lot more if he had led me on for a while, made me believe something was there and then dumped me. I totally do feel things intensely, but I don't mean to. I like what you said with the "certain truths reveal themselves much later," but at the same time sometimes analyzing past relationships does help you not make the same mistakes twice, however I do agree that I shouldn't be obsessing about it all. You hit everything right on, haha. I do idealize him.. I am insecure and I should learn to love myself. Thanks for that, seriously.

[MEE123]

And thanks to everyone topbloke and catfeeder : ) I read y'alls posts too and I like what both of you guys said. It's true I need to be more cautious when choosing a bf instead of just jumping into things. And as far as what catfeeder said, yes I am still looking for who I am, although I think I have discovered much of myself. I don't particularly believe in "wrong" matches because if you loved someone enough then you could make things work, but I mean to truly love someone where both partners are actively trying to make a relationship work. Love is blind in the way that you can overlook the other's flaws. Idk, could be wrong though. Solo time is totally for building myself up, lol. I'm working on being the best I can be currently. As far as wanting wrong matches to fall away.. I guess what's hard to accept about the first few relationships I've had as a kid is that things are over so quick and that we couldn't/weren't willing to work through the small issues because neither of us cared enough. I ran and so did he. I will definitely work to help people in all situations and I view myself as a very loving person. I like all of what you said in that last paragraph. Thanks : D