Heart Broken

[poohbear25]

I never thought I would be the kind of woman to have an affair but I did. 2 years ago I befriended a married man. I too am married, he for 6 years me for 12. He's 2 years my senior. We are both from the same social dance club, meeting about 3 times a week. We started out as simply good friends but the sparks flew and 6 months ago we started the affair.

 

Even before I came into the picture he was having problems with his wife, both financially and romantically. Many times they almost headed to the divorce courts. I know this to be true as his wife confided in me intially too. But she and I had a major falling out back on new year's day.

 

Ever since then she stopped accompaning her husband to the dance sessions. She kept feeling pangs of jealousy and felt hurt that her husband would choose to go out with his friends, a group of about 6 of us, and esp me, rather than spend time with her and they have not been on talking terms for about a month.

 

Just last week things exploded. She and I had a major confrontation and had a shouting match with all kinds of nasty name calling in PUBLIC. Since then my lover started acting cold towards me. Normally we would talk for hours over the phone everyday but suddenly he stopped for 4 days, no msgs, no calls, nothing.

 

I confronted him a few days back and we too had a shouting match of our own. He said that he felt scared of me and that he couldn't trust me anymore. He felt that I had purposely picked a fight with his wife so that she would leave him and he would choose to be with me.

 

That is completely not true. I have my own family and would never go to him even if he split with his wife or me with my husband. We had this agreement right from the start. I felt so hurt and betrayed that he could think this of me.

 

After tempers cooled we managed to talk for about 1/2 hr and agreed that we should stop being romatically involved. We also agreed to stay friends.

 

The problem is this - We still will meet every week and my heart hurts so bad it feels like its going to burst. I've gotten so used to talking and messaging every day I feel so lost without it. Also I don't want to avoid him when we go dancing then everyone who saw me arguing with his wife will know it's true I slept with him. There has never been any proof because we never dated, only meeting occasionally in hotels. We have denied and denied and denied every rumour and I have to keep up the charade.

 

How do I go on? How do I keep up this charade and not fall apart completely? I can't not go to the sessions then MY husband will get suspicious because he knows I love dancing too much to ever just stop for no reason.

 

I hope someone can make sense of what I'm feeling but I think the main reason I'm posting this msg is that I can't talk about this to anyone. I think I just need some release. But if anyone can help, I'd be extremely grateful.

 

Thank you for letting me get everything off my chest.

[alexis100]

Hi -

 

So you say that he thinks you got into the fight with his wife because you "wanted him to leave her for you". Then you say that you would never expect that and would never leave your own husband for him. So what's the problem? Either him or your husband. You can't have both. That's what getting married is, devoting yourself to one person. I can see how it would be hard to not see him since it's been your routine, but quit your dance club so you won't have to see him anymore. I also suggest working on your marriage.

[aloneforever]

aren't you happy with your marriage? Isn't one enough? Start thinking about other poeples feelings.

[Tellin It Like It Is]

Yes, you have to keep up the charade, because you are not allowed to hurt him, you made your bed secretly, keep it to yourself. You will have to "suck it up" when you see your lover. Your mourning the loss of this relationship is normal. It was someone special, and it was something intimate...HOWEVER, you need to find a private, SOLITARY way of mourning and then move on. Now, actually marvel at all of the negative feelings this brought for you, and realize why a lot of people do not engage in extra-marital affairs. I know you didn't plan it, and well... $hit happens. Be thankful for the sweet moments, and realize that yes, you will have to suffer through this ending. I'm sorry you're hurting. You need another hobby in addition to dancing. Something that requires alot of changes (not knitting, you'll sit and think too much) and all of your attention. That will help.

[soul]

What about your husband? How sad. I feel sorry for people who end up married to people like you.

[lovelyone]

You are a liar and a cheater!I feel sorry for these innocent partners of yours.

[hurtAgain]

hey poohbear25,

Yes, you're read the replies...and yes, there were some harsh words, it seems that we all have our own morales...

 

Girl, you are not alone....Here is what I had to go thorugh, and lived to talk about. I've posted some of my own experiances here, but in a nutshell, my husband cheated on me first, and I only found out after my child was born. I never wanted to break a familly, so I stayed. My trust was gone, and so was half of my heart. We've been together now for 10 years, married for 6. I'm 30 years old and my son is 5.

So, instead (and I know i'm gonna hear about it), I also had an affair, that ended last month. It started just with sex, since I was not romantically attached to my husband. Our sex life was would last about 3 minutes.

 

So, this guy, I've seen for about 3 years, on and off. Him too is someone I see everyday...and I started having feelings for him. To the point that I couldn't see straight...like you.

I also had to keep up the sharade, since I couldn't tell my husband how hurt I was that my affair ended....Let's be realistic, right?

So, I would go home and pretend that I had a hard day at work, or that I was sick, and go to my room and cry. But doing that, I was missing time spent with my son.

So, I kept NC with this guy, did I mention that I see him everyday? I'd walk by him and say hi. Now, it's like he doesn't exist anymore. I still care, since we were also best friends, AND HE IS GORGEOUS, my style, you know that mediteranean look...but it had to end.

 

Cry, do what you need to do, but it will get better. I mean, what other choice did we have, right girl?

If you have any kids, get closer, more closer to them. I get home and I thank GOd for my son...

 

It's been a while since you posted...how have you been feeling?

Keep us posted, you are not alone.

 

I.

[Brenda222]

Take it from someone who just got dumped by a cheater, who was doing the same thing you were, lying and pretending he was not seeing this person, who perked up for her and treated me like crap. I let him be with her. I say what goes around comes around. If you think you have a reason to cheat then you're wrong, thats what marriage is all about. You really dont deserve a good husband and personally, after it happened to me, I have never cheated on him, I hope you get yours. Believe me it will happen. At least I can go into the next relationship and not worry about things I did coming back on me cause I didnt cheat. Look out sister, just cause you end it doenst mean you wont get yours, it will come back and then you see how it feels to be hurt by someone.

[Maya_A]

I felt so hurt and betrayed that he could think this of me.

 

???? And what about what your husband might think of you, which would be warranted...

 

I'm not sure how it is you write about being hurt regarding what someone might think of you in a moralistic sense. It may be deserved.

[arcadefire]

I hate to sound harsh, but you've made your bed. Your husband doesn't deserve a wife like you, he deserves someone just as faithful as he is. The other guy's wife deserves to know the truth as well. Lying by omission is as bad as denying. Don't fool innocent parties anymore, and especially if you or the other woman has children, because the only thing cheating leads to are broken hearts and broken families.

[kapitald]

Is is possible for you to ask him to stop going to the dance sessions for a while?

The pain will really be difficult to overcome if you do keep seeing him around.

 

It is painful, I know, but only because at one point in time, it did feel so d*mn good. However, I know too that the pain shall pass. You just need to manage going through it.

In retrospect, I believe, as much as we all would like to lead perfect, happy, quiet lives, these joys and tears, from moral acts or otherwise, are what makes us humans and what makes our lives a life. I wish you well poohbear25.