Will my bf ever stop being this way?

[Jaydedgirl]

So my bf and I have been dating for quite a while and he says he trust me and i trust him. I am not the type of person who goes to clubs,bars,wild parties,etc. I do not even have alot of friends to be honest. MOst of the time i spend at home reading, watching movies, cleaning,writing. If is do go out its only to the mall or with my family or to gym. Yeah im no social scene girl. However im in a long distance relationship and we talk over chat or we call each other. When my bf does come to see me he always is asking me questions like so which boy phones you or which boy talks to you at gym. Now if i happen to get a text message on my phone,he quickly jumps and grabs my phone to see who has sent me a message and usually its just a cellular provider message. But the way he reacts to my phone getting a message is ridiculous. Im 24 and I am a grown woman. I dont need anybody checking my phone. Its like annoying because it means he doesnt trust me. Everyday he asks me these questions how you, what you doing, what you did today, how you feeling? and when i go to the mall..he asks..who you going with? what you going to do there? what you going to buy? what time youll get back? Like i appreciate the kindness of him asking me how i am and stuff but not when it happens all the time..to the point where our conversation is about me answering his questions. By the ens of it i get tired of typing and answering him that sometimes i just ignore him. He has nothing to worry about at all and its not like im cheating on him. I tried to talk to him about this but he got angry and told me to buggar off...but we sorted it out but the questions still rise and he cant leave my phone alone.

[LaKings55]

He's insecure and immature, not admirable traits. I'll give you a piece of relationship advice I once heard that resonated with me. If you have an issue with your significant other, (such as checking your phone) you bring it up and see if the behavior changes. If it does not, then you bring it up again. If it continues, then you either put up with it, or walk away, because they are never going to change. You claim he trusts you, but his actions say otherwise. Remember, actions always speak louder than words

[Jaydedgirl]

He's insecure and immature, not admirable traits. I'll give you a piece of relationship advice I once heard that resonated with me. If you have an issue with your significant other, (such as checking your phone) you bring it up and see if the behavior changes. If it does not, then you bring it up again. If it continues, then you either put up with it, or walk away, because they are never going to change. You claim he trusts you, but his actions say otherwise. Remember, actions always speak louder than words

 

Yeah I know right but I dont know why he seems to act this way. My ex bf also was like this but he was worse,he would put a pin lock on my phone and be very overprotective. I dont know why i seem to attract guys who are overprotective of me,im not an item or prize if thats what they think!!

[LaKings55]

Nope, just alpha-male mentality. It's like protecting turf or something. They sense that by acting macho, controlling, and over-confident, they'll win your heart forever. In reality, they end up pushing you away. A man should act confident that he is enough for her. I never kept tabs on any woman I've ever dated. I let them know though that once we became exclusive, I would indeed demand monogamy and expect loyalty and honesty. If a girl lies to me (other than "white lies"), cheats on me, or does anything that I consider a "deal breaker" I will walk away without another word. I will fade into oblivion, never to be seen or heard from again. So, basically, I give them my trust, and if they choose to break that trust, the relationship will end. That's what this guy should be doing. Even if he is paranoid, he should be able to rationalize it and be like "I trust her to do the right thing, and that she is with me and loves me. If she does decide to cheat on me, I no longer want her in my life, because she broke my trust." And the same goes for you. You don't keep tabs on him, but you're trusting him to do the right thing and be loyal.

[hexaemeron]

This isn't alpha male. This is a dude with a case of Broken Woman Syndrome. He's paralyzed with insecurity and fear. She could meet someone cuter and more fit than he is at the gym, so he has to know about it. He couldn't just trust her, because it's not about her at all. It's about his feelings projecting into the whole situation.

 

I'd be very over that if I were you OP.

[FathomFear]

OP--If you have a track record of having boyfriends like this, I suspect it's likely that you haven't done a stellar job at standing up for yourself. For example, how in the heck did you tolerate you last boyfriend putting a PIN lock on your own phone? You need to put your foot down on this kind of behavior and call it out as unacceptable.

[Jaydedgirl]

OP--If you have a track record of having boyfriends like this, I suspect it's likely that you haven't done a stellar job at standing up for yourself. For example, how in the heck did you tolerate you last boyfriend putting a PIN lock on your own phone? You need to put your foot down on this kind of behavior and call it out as unacceptable.

 

Maybe youre right,i dont know why i get so softy when im in a relationship,its like i want to please the guy but deep down i want to smack his face.

[Batya33]

I don't think it's because he cares about you but about himself and his insecurities -that's why it's annoying. I'm also not sure why you equate having close friends with being in a "social scene" -I have many close friends and friends and am not in a social scene and haven't been for a number of years now. but one of the reasons my relationship is healthy is because we each have close friends and because we trust each other. Why not tell him nicely that you already have parents who check up on you so not to worry about your comings and goings. You will let him know when he needs to know what your plans are (like when you're making plans to see him). And tell him that your phone is off limits unless you choose to let him see it. And that you're having a torrid affair with your cellular provider.

[penelope13]

but we sorted it out

 

Would you mind elaborating on that statement? Given your post it seems that you didn't sort it out at all, but I'd like to understand what you define as 'having sorted it out' - it may help you see what your standards are and if you may have to adjust them in order to ensure that in the future you will not be in relationships anymore where you allow others to walk all over your personal boundaries