When couples break up because they met someone else

[endy]

Moggie, here's the deal... You probably lost attraction for him. He probably isn't the strong confident man you met when you first started dating. It's normal and it should be worked through. You want to act out of want and desire? That's fine, but you don't know this other person.

 

I saw someone say that the door is closed forever with the other person this isn't true. People that usually do this... Which yes it is wrong to me. You can control and recognize your feelings and not act on them. You think about the relationship your IN currently, you don't say well I can have this guy now so I will leave. You think about the pro's and con's of the current relationship then end it. You grieve it, and heal from it and move on before you get in another relationship. If you don't that grief builds up and it WILL come out in time. It can be 10 relationships later, but it will make an appearance.

 

Someone that does this is dependent on other people for happiness. They are not usually happy with themselves, and it will most likely become a pattern of "falling in love", the love stage will end, and then they will search for it again over and over until they realize real happiness comes from within YOURSELF not a new relationship with some guy/girl you feel you love because of a honeymoon stage. Someone that exudes this behavior IMO has no idea what love is, or how to love correctly. Being in love is simply the act of love, YES it's an action, being reciprocated by both partners in a relationship.

[MoggieGirl]

Well, I expect disagreement but I am just not good at cutting off all contact with people I like so if I can manage it I would like to continue to be just friends with Mr Bus guy and continue my relationship romantically with my boyfriend. Spend more time with him. If it doesn't work out then becoming single will be in our future. If it does work out the crush will lessen on its own. Maybe I can desensitize myself to it.

[endy]

Well, I expect disagreement but I am just not good at cutting off all contact with people I like so if I can manage it I would like to continue to be just friends with Mr Bus guy and continue my relationship romantically with my boyfriend. Spend more time with him. If it doesn't work out then becoming single will be in our future. If it does work out the crush will lessen on its own. Maybe I can desensitize myself to it.

 

 

You probably can, but being a strong man is not an easy thing to do. When you aren't usually the woman will lose attraction. Maybe he's depending on you too much etc. Does he always make the decisions and lead etc? All I'm saying is you are in a LTR. Better make sure that it's not what you want first. Then and only then when you know it's not, break up with him, and do not jump right into another one because it's not healthy. Make sure you're completely over the relationship before.

[Blue Spiral]

Most of us have met a very small percentage of other people on this planet. Out of the billions of people out there, there's a good chance you'll meet someone that you like/love more than the person you like/love now. Claiming that whoever you're with now has an emotional monopoly on you, and that it's crazy to consider that you might meet someone you want more...well, I don't think it's very realistic.

 

Having said that, some people definitely construct fantasy narratives in their heads, building complex emotional narratives around people they barely even know.

[MoggieGirl]

You probably can, but being a strong man is not an easy thing to do. When you aren't usually the woman will lose attraction. Maybe he's depending on you too much etc. Does he always make the decisions and lead etc? All I'm saying is you are in a LTR. Better make sure that it's not what you want first. Then and only then when you know it's not, break up with him, and do not jump right into another one because it's not healthy. Make sure you're completely over the relationship before.

 

What is an LTR?

[Danmasta]

Long Term Relationship

[hopelesssucks]

There is a difference between leaving a gf/bf for someone else and leaving a SPOUSE for someone else. I'm sure someone else has already said that, I haven't read all the posts. But dating is not a contract, nor is it anything more than two people that have enjoyed spending time together. It is subject to change, and sometimes it hurts like heck. Dating is intended to be that time in which you find out that you may or may not have a future together. I know I would much rather deal with the hurt of getting left for someone else BEFORE a committed marriage and children, rather than after.

[motleylou]

I think this happens ALOT and is responsible for most of the breakups. My ex gf I believe did this exact scenario. She made out with some kid she bad a crush on years ago. She broke up with me and hung out with him exclusively for 3-4 weeks before throwing him to the curb. I think at this point she knew she blew it but never contacted me bc she is one of the most prideful girls I know and hates to admit she made a mistake. It's too bad bc we had a really good thing going on and had just moved in together. But I believe she got caught up in a moment of lust and lost sight of where we were going. She's now with someone else all together,so I've moved on and I could never be with a cheater anyway. But it's really bad she had that moment of lust and saw that as the better option over our secure and reliable relationship.

 

I think it depends how long the relationship has gone on and how good the relationship is. But I don't think you can fault someone for doing this,I could of done it. It's really immature but at that point you follow your heart and sometimes it's not the best decision. But if you think this new person will be better than who you're with then you have to give it a shot. It's just too bad when it doesn't work out and then you're left with nothin, and the dumpee is left with a broken heart. I fault her for cheating and breaking my heart,but like I said I could of done the same thing. ALOT of it I think has to do with age were both early 20's and you don't always think long term at this age.

[Thorshammer]

People who do this are careless and selfish. You dont magically fall in love out of nowhere, you have to take those small steps and initiate it to make it SOMETHING. This is pre-meditated, not sudden madness.

[MoggieGirl]

I just don't think it's right for people to be so judgemental. I'm not a person who does anything without thinking things through. I'm also not a person who doesn't care how another feels. But you can't judge a person until you have walked a mile in their shoes. People know what it's like to have crushes. They can be very intense and nobody gets them on purpose. And if you've ever experienced what it is like to have a crush on someone while being being in a LTR, only then can you judge someone else who has experienced this. People will do with it what they may, if they choose to follow their hearts or fight against their feelings in favor of their LTR, that is up to them. But they're not "evil." I think I should stay away from forums like this in the future. Noone likes to be judged and a lot of people here are very judgemental!!! So much for enotalone.

[endy]

I don't think everyone is judging you. What I think is that you should put yourself in your current boyfriends position. How would you feel if he had a crush on someone and he was talking to htem behind your back, and thinking about breaking up with every day you've been together? What I was doing was at the least getting you to think things through for yourself, so you don't do something you will regret in the long run. Specifically jump from relationship to relationship. That doesn't make you a bad person, but causing pain and suffering to someone else, will ultimately cause you pain and suffering in most cases as well.

 

Good luck with whichever decision you make. You have to take into account a lot of people on here have been hurt in this way too. So their opinions may be a bit biased.

[MoggieGirl]

I'm totally aware of that. And my boyfriend knows what is going on. And I don't enjoy hurting him at all. It's part of what is making me unhappy too. But I can't help the way I've been feeling lately and I also have to be true to myself. If I made all decisions based on my boyfriend's feelings I would be dishonest with both of us. I would make myself single before doing anything. I wouldn't cheat. I don't even expect that anything would even come out of a crush. Most of the time it doesn't. I'm just trying to figure out if what I've been feeling lately is an indication that I should be single, doesn't matter if I date someone else or not. It seems wrong somehow to stay in a committed relationship when I'm not feeling any emotional loyalty. It's one thing if this is just a short term passing phase but this has been going on for a long time. And it's not all about the crush. This probably came about due to issues I've been having in my relationship for quite some time.

[endy]

Possibly, and it's up to both of you to work through them. If he chooses not to with you then you basically have no choice. You're losing attraction to him for a reason most likely. Is he needy or clingy at all? It's really his responsibility of being a man to keep that attraction. I'm a man and I view it that way anyways. As long as you don't cheat and you're honest with him. Men are attracted to women every day. Some men, or women act on it and some don't. At least you are being open about it.

 

Just so you know I've been in this position on both sides. I've had a girl in a relationship end one because she met me, was unhappy and then went back to her ex after we were over. Even though I didn't condone what was going on and pushed her away, she still emotionally cheated and I felt it was wrong at the time. I didn't want any part of it. If you think that your boyfriend is no longer the person for you then save yourself and him the pain and just end it. You really need to be sure about it though. Kinda sounds like to me you're checking out of the relationship already to me.

 

A lot of people do leave for another, and in no way is it healthy to jump ship is what I am getting at. Sometimes it happens for security reasons, and sometimes it just happens because the person is already checked out of the relationship. In my experience there should still be a significant time in between relationships to grieve them. If not it will catch up with you. There is no right or wrong decision here, and as you said... You need to put you and your feeling first. I completely agree with that 100 percent.

[oldliesnewlife]

I will Say this. That as a Married man I am old school. My Wife swears up and down I have had affairs and or would. But I want to say this. REAL LOVE PROHIBITS YOU FROM THOSE ACTS! Real Love is one of those things that if your lucky,, your blessed with once.

Anyone whom enters into a relationship and commits that type of act is not worth the mates time or heart. The maker sees all and in the end, the real man stands true before him. Own your acts, ask for forgiveness and be an honest mate, partner or spouse.

[MoggieGirl]

I will Say this. That as a Married man I am old school. My Wife swears up and down I have had affairs and or would. But I want to say this. REAL LOVE PROHIBITS YOU FROM THOSE ACTS! Real Love is one of those things that if your lucky,, your blessed with once.

Anyone whom enters into a relationship and commits that type of act is not worth the mates time or heart. The maker sees all and in the end, the real man stands true before him. Own your acts, ask for forgiveness and be an honest mate, partner or spouse.

 

Old school is great. But I'm not married.

[MoggieGirl]

Thank you.

[Carus]

I've rarely seen it end well, when one starts a new relationship, without ending the one they're currently in. Also, how would the new partner be able to trust this person who left a prior relationship for them? Sooner or later, that would become an issue...IMO.

My ex left me for someone else and they are still together today, 2+ years out...Take from that what you will....

 

As for me, it has been a long hard road of recovery that I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy!

 

Moggie*, even if you cannot work it out with your current BF, I am glad that you are at least up front with him about it. It may hurt yes, but when you are left to find out through other sources about this type of thing, the betrayal and rejection felt can be real killers.....So I commend you for that*

 

Whatever happens, at least he has a say in the process now rather than being totally in the dark about it...

 

It took me a long time to work through it but these days I can 'almost' honestly say I'm glad she found the right guy for her seeing as it wasn't me...

 

And as another poster mentioned, I am damn damn grateful this happened before we got married and had those kids we used to talk about!

 

I hope you can find the best way through*

 

Regards

Carus* 8-)

[Doofus]

Human beings are not swans. And, in fact, swans we are learning, are not really swans. We are not creatures who bond exclusively with only one other partner, especially to the extent that no one else ever catches our eye or interest. What this means for you moogie is this, I think: Having a crush on someone else does not mean that your current relationship is doomed or should end. I think you need to assess your current relationship on its own. If you'd leave it, independent of the hormonal distraction you're experiencing, then leave it. If you'd stay if you weren't crushing on someone else right now, then stay. That may be hard to figure out with your feelings about a fantasy life with someone else being so strong, but you need to try to separate out your feelings about one from the other.

On a more general level, there's a lot to say here. Given that humans are not really monogamous but can choose to be, I wonder what the right course of action is when this sort of thing happens. I think if you have children, then you have implicitly made a commitment that supercedes your own happiness. If you don't have children, then are you doing a kindness to your SO to end thing? Just because of a crush, or, because, right now, you're not feeling it with your SO? I've been married a long time, and I can tell you that my feelings wax and wane. My wife is the same. I'd wager that all couples who have been together more than a few years will, if honest, say the same thing. Being faithful is not just about not cheating, it's about having faith that you can get through those periods when you're not as into your partner as before. I can also tell you that I have had crushes during my marriage. I'm sure my wife has as well. Not too many, but what got me through them was realizing that I what I was crushing on, partially, was a fantasy. Also, my children. These are tough issues, for sure....

[Vaglar]

Wow, I'm getting tears in my eyes and pain in the chest when reading this. That's almost exactly what happened to my ex - we were in a long distance relationship, we weren't really happy anymore and she had a crush on someone else. She lost her romantic feelings for me 3 months before she tried to BU with me, but I begged so she stayed for 1.5 months more. In the end, she dumped me because her feelings were gone.

 

I'm heartbroken. The BU opened my eyes. I forgot how amazing a woman she was, how lucky I was to have her. She means the world to me, but now my gf is gone. I'd do anything to get a second chance because I now know where I went wrong. She lost attraction for me because I became boring, unspiring, not committed. I took her and her love for granted, I thought she'd never leave me because I always thought I did more for the relationship than her. I even said several times 'maybe it's time to break up' because my love for her was burried under many issues. I was mistaken, blind and now I regret it so much.

 

I'm pretty sure you don't feel like trying again now because the 'feeling' is just not there anymore, right? I don't know if there is anything you can do now, but do know that if you break up, your bf will end up like me. So I really want you to try EVERYTHING to fix your current R/S and communicate properly with your bf, ask him what would be his ideal relationship, what the problems are. Please make everything clear, then agree on measures to act on them.

 

To do that, you may first need some time apart - a month, maybe two, so the anger/frustration sink. During this time, you should avoid contacting/seeing Mr. Bus because he's messing up with your head and feelings big time. Take some time for yourself to really assess the situation without the emotions kicking in.

[MoggieGirl]

I'll tell you what part of the problem is. It's been a very unbalanced living situation for me financially. He's been unemployed for at least 3 years now and I'm having to pay for everything. Yes, he has been looking for work. But having little to no luck. He recently landed a telemarketing job and got fired. It may not be his fault, I know it's the economy. But regardless, I can't live like this, 3 years can turn into 4 ears and extend beyond that. I'm not someone who cares how much money a guy earns but he must stand on his own two feet and not depend on me or no deal. This is my non-negotiable and unfortunately I'm losing patience with this. Without money there is also not much we can do to spice up the relationship unless I pay.

 

We have been trying to make the relationship work. Unfortunately when we're apart, such as when I leave the house for work I'm thinking about someone else. To be in a committed relationship without feeling 100% emotional devotion and romantic attraction feels dishonest. Yes, I still have feelings for him but it's ambivalent. That's why we haven't broken up yet because when he gets down to packing his suitcase, I start crying so we try again for one more week. We spend quality time together and I find my mind wandering from time to time and it frustrates me. Why isn't my heart with my boyfriend? He may be leaving next weekend. Understandably he is fed up with my having a crush on someone else, although I can't help it. At the same time it saddens me that this is what is destroying our relationship. We're hanging in limbo. I've lost a lot of weight. It's a stressful situation so something drastic has to happen to fix this problem. He has to get a steady job and my crush has to miraculously go away so there is only my boyfriend and noone else on my mind or we have to break up and I have to start a new chapter as a single woman.

[NeverGoingBack]

Love goes out the window when poverty comes in the door.

[pillowtalk]

This happened to me and gosh, it was really hard to get over!

 

Here's the thing: these things do happen. However, I think it's the manner in which it is dealt with that is important. The person who is feeling attraction to another person, should talk to their current partner about it, because that attraction is most often times a symptom of something bigger in the relationship that isn't going right. It's about respect and honesty and communication.

 

My ex pretty much distanced himself from him, ignored me, broke up with me, denied there being anyone else, refused to communicated, and that was it. Oh yeah, and he's still with the girl almost a year later. But, she can have him.

[MoggieGirl]

Love goes out the window when poverty comes in the door.

 

Sorry, I know I'm being judged for this but 3-4 years is just too long! I've been patiently waiting. Would it be possible to have a moderator delete my entire thread? I think I've shared too much of my personal business with people who don't even know me and may be judging me. I'm not saying everyone here is judging me but a lot of people are. I should have only shared this stuff with those closest to me.

[Doofus]

I hope you don't think I'm judging you. I'm just thinking out loud, really, as I'm in this situation too. In my case, I am married with children (cue the theme song and picture Al Bundy...). My point to you was that long-term relationships are hard. Really hard. They are so precisely because we are not monogamous animals. I know the likely result, but I may start a thread about the ethics of infidelity - hell, it would be good to think hard about the definition of it. My philosophical interests aside, I'd say this:

1. Don't be embarrassed about begin on here. You're looking for help with a difficult problem. Although, having been here a while, I will tell you that it is unlikely that you will find it here, there's always a chance....

2. Unless your bf is on here seeking advice (it's happened..) no one is going to know who you are.

3. I repeat for emphasis: Having a crush on someone else, even sleeping with them, is not evidence that your relationship is doomed. Everyone has thoughts of straying from time to time if they're in a relationship long enough

4. The financial issues are worth serious consideration. Just make sure that you weigh them without the bus boy on the scale. This goes, actually, for any other reasons you have for leaving. I am in love - it seems - with my other person. I'm constantly thinking of flaws in my home life that would justify leaving it. Mostly that's the drug of love talking. I'm trying to separate out whether it's my hormones seeking rationalization or whether those are legitimate reasons. Here's how I'm dealing with it: Instead of asking whether I want to leave, I ask whether I want to leave if I knew I would be alone for the rest of my life if I did. Not a fair question perhaps, but it helps me see what's going on more clearly (I hope...)

5. If you need to leave regardless of the bus boy then you should do it. Your bf deserves someone who loves him for real. If that can't be you anymore, then the correct course of action is clear.

That said, the fact that you cry when he packs to go is important. If you break up, you may regret it.

[Vaglar]

Thanks for the details. I read your other posts so I know more or less about your situation. You've been having this big money issue for a long time so it's no wonder your feelings are drifting apart. What does he have to say in the matter? In his opinion, what are the issues and how can they be solved? Do you both have the same 'vision' about why your relationship is in danger? I'm no expert in such issues, so I think the best route is to agree with your BF on what to do together, whatever that may be - break up, find a job by xxx, take a break, etc.

 

Don't worry about people judging. Everyone is trying to help and give their opinion based on the info you provided, but in the end, you know the situation best so you'll be the one to decide what to do. There may be some negative opinion but if you don't like them/don't think they are useful, just ignore them. That's how forums work - people have different views, backgrounds and opinions, but on ENA, I feel that everyone is mature enough not to bash people for free.

 

This thread is very insightful for me btw