When couples break up because they met someone else

[MoggieGirl]

What do you think of people who leave their partners for someone else? Are they necessarily bad people? What if it's not because this other person is necessarily better than your partner but for some unexplained reason you've fallen in love with someone else and you can't help it??? Are you then obligated to fight against these feelings even if you so strongly desire this someone else???

 

I know a relationship is a committment and you should try to save it first but what if your feelings and desires won't let you??? I'm just wondering why these people are judged so harshly. I know it sucks for the person who is being left.

[lana111]

well, i was that person hahah.

 

i had an overwhelming feeling that i had to pursue this one guy. at the time i was in a very long term relationship. i knew the guy i was with wasnt the one, and i had tried to break it off before. this new guy was my motivation. we are not together now, but i am very glad i did what i did

 

i tried to hide it for a while so i wouldnt be judged... exactly what you said...

[Chicklet]

What if it's not because this other person is necessarily better than your partner but for some unexplained reason you've fallen in love with someone else and you can't help it??? Are you then obligated to fight against these feelings even if you so strongly desire this someone else???

 

I know a relationship is a committment and you should try to save it first but what if your feelings and desires won't let you??? I'm just wondering why these people are judged so harshly. I know it sucks for the person who is being left.

 

This is LUST...through and through. If you ADMIT that the other person isn't necessarily better for you, then what I tend to think is that you are just bored in your current relationship and that you OWE it to that person to at least try to work things out. You're usage of the words "feelings and desires" are another good indicator that you are merely lusting, as are they. It's bound to FAIL. Just my 2 cents.

[mactownman]

I don't really understand how it's possible to "fall in love" with someone else while in a long-term, stable relationship. You would have to emotionally cheat on your significant other for a significant period of time. In this case, yes, you would be a bad person. Very selfish and disrespectful.

 

I agree with Chicklet, such actions are probably more often than not a symptom of lust and boredom (stability, comfort) with the current relationship. Is that grass really greener? Also selfish and immature.

 

Either way, I think that leaving someone for someone else is pretty messed up.

[blackhawks1287]

I don't really understand how it's possible to "fall in love" with someone else while in a long-term, stable relationship. You would have to emotionally cheat on your significant other for a significant period of time. In this case, yes, you would be a bad person. Very selfish and disrespectful.

 

I agree with Chicklet, such actions are probably more often than not a symptom of lust and boredom (stability, comfort) with the current relationship. Is that grass really greener? Also selfish and immature.

 

Either way, I think that leaving someone for someone else is pretty messed up.

 

The case with most, and the whole emotionally cheating. Allowing yourself to fall, and pounce on that exciting opportunity is lust(possible love) OF COURSE boredom, and obvious dependency issues.

 

Selfish and immature indeed, but we as people are inherently selfish. That is why they are judged, because in more cases than not they are immoral decisions/actions and allowing the current relationship to get to that point.

[rosephase]

I have fallen in love a few times while in long term committed relationships. It wasn't because I was bored with my partner or that I had stopped loving them. It was simply because someone amazing came into my life and I fell for them. This is one of the reason why I'm poly. I love falling in love it's one of the best feelings in the world and I love bringing new people into my life and learning from them and growing with them. So I've worked very hard in my relationships to have them be open to that and it's worked pretty well so far. There is nothing wrong with falling in love with someone. How you act on it, that is what counts.

[blackhawks1287]

I have fallen in love a few times while in long term committed relationships. It wasn't because I was bored with my partner or that I had stopped loving them. It was simply because someone amazing came into my life and I fell for them. This is one of the reason why I'm poly. I love falling in love it's one of the best feelings in the world and I love bringing new people into my life and learning from them and growing with them. So I've worked very hard in my relationships to have them be open to that and it's worked pretty well so far. There is nothing wrong with falling in love with someone. How you act on it, that is what counts.

 

See but this thread is about WHEN LEAVE FOR THAT PERSON, not falling for them while in the relationship. Sure you are noble...a lot aren't.

[MoggieGirl]

Is it right to judge those who cannot help the way they feel and choose to follow their heart? What if you just cannot stop thinking about this person?

[The_Seeker]

Ha ha well just know you can't come back once the person figures out why you left them in the first place. That door is closed on you forever on that person. No matter how hard you try to get them back because of your "strong feelings" for that person.

[wilyone 11]

Anyone who leaves someone for another is EVIL.

 

Unless we're completely miserable in our relationship, we should all stay with the first boyfriend or girlfriend we ever had. You're selfish if you don't try to make it work!!!

[wilyone 11]

It's really sad to me how people are judged and considered failures when they don't "stick it out" in a relationship or marriage.

 

Each of us grows so much with every single person we love. Every person we get close to teaches us new things.

 

If we've grown as much as we can from one person, and accomplished what we came together to accomplish, that should be celebrated.

[blackhawks1287]

Anyone who leaves someone for another is EVIL.

 

Unless we're completely miserable in our relationship, we should all stay with the first boyfriend or girlfriend we ever had. You're selfish if you don't try to make it work!!!

 

This is not the case, and judging other people's opinions is not constructive. No one is talking about first loves, but generalizing EVERY CASE where one is left for another...leaving an LTR to be with someone else, someone you have not known as long as your LTR.

 

Being with someone isn't a game. You cannot have the mentality..."oh well I can't learn anymore from this person and this new person I have been seeing and secretly have had feelings for can teach me more things and is more fun, so I am going to leave for this new person." Really? That is funny...

 

Moggie...if this is you...just break up with your current boyfriend and assess what you really want. It is not fair to the current BF or GF to have these feeling and doubt while in a relationship. If you don't feel it, no one has a gun to your head...just end it. If you honestly want to be in another relationship with this guy just go ahead.

 

You should just do what you want, it doesn't matter what people think right? People should not influence what is best for you, so just do what you think is right for yourself, but if you are having doubts on your current situation and DON'T KNOW while having strong feelings for someone else, don't string someone else along. Be tactful.

[Danmasta]

I agree with wilyone, people are always changing and growing, and sometimes you neglect to see yourself and what really works for you when you are in infatuation. A lot of times it takes making the mistake in order to learn the answer.

 

What I think is worse is when two people are in love, and they are really great together. That they allow distance and resentment to form between them and destroy that beautiful connection nature has given them. I think the bigger mistake is when a person allows their ego to close their heart and push away true inspiring romance.

[mazzy1212]

ummm wily was being sarcastic...

[The_Seeker]

ummm wily was being sarcastic...

 

I can't tell.

[HeartGoesOn]

What do you think of people who leave their partners for someone else? Are they necessarily bad people?

 

I wouldn't say they were "bad people," but I would view this as people who made bad choices. I've rarely seen it end well, when one starts a new relationship, without ending the one they're currently in. Also, how would the new partner be able to trust this person who left a prior relationship for them? Sooner or later, that would become an issue...IMO.

[The_Seeker]

I wouldn't say they were "bad people," but I would view this as people who made bad choices. I've rarely seen it end well, when one starts a new relationship, without ending he one they're currently in. Also, how would the new partner be able to trust this person who left a prior relationship for them? Sooner or later, that would become an issue...IMO.

 

I agree!

 

People who leave their partners for someone else?

- MAJOR FACTOR: ATTRACTION

- Creating silly illusions in their mind what the relationship could be like with that person and starts get irritated with their partner

- Blames the partner for everything when the partner is just being nice/friendly

- Boredom and gives up

 

One of the reasons. My main reason for leaving for a partner could be an attraction. Then I think about it, it's just lust.

 

;] Good thing I got self-control. LOL I realize I'm going to meet very attractive people everyday til I hit 70.

[cecila]

If you don't understand the concept of how this might feel then maybe someday someone will leave you for someone else and then you will know how it feels. Do people judge these behaviors...yes. Because lots of people in relationships, marriages or ltr, will become attracted to someone else and they will entertain the idea of leaving their current relationship but they don't do it because it's wrong. People know that these feelings for someone else are usually fleeting anyway. There are faithful people out there. I guess it also depends on your maturity level too and your age..stuff like that. But don't ever think this is ok to do because if you do it once you might do it again and then you will have a history of leaving people just cause someone else came along that appears to be mr or miss right.

[NeverGoingBack]

Also, how would the new partner be able to trust this person who left a prior relationship for them? Sooner or later, that would become an issue...IMO.

 

That's what I'm wondering too.

[MoggieGirl]

I wouldn't say they were "bad people," but I would view this as people who made bad choices. I've rarely seen it end well, when one starts a new relationship, without ending the one they're currently in. Also, how would the new partner be able to trust this person who left a prior relationship for them? Sooner or later, that would become an issue...IMO.

 

That's a good point however, it's not necessarily the case. Sometimes somebody just really wows you and you may not repeat this. Anyway I never planned to crush on someone else. And I may not necessarily pursue it, I don't know. It just seems that to be in a relationship while I'm having these feelings isn't working out and I don't know how long I can bear it since it keeps on persisting. I'm wondering if it's better to be single.

[NeverGoingBack]

One thing is for sure: you need to talk to the person you're in the relationship with right now and either tell him the truth about everything, or talk to him about what you would like to change in the relationship. You're not communicating with the most important person: your partner. Have some respect for him and yourself. We can only give you our opinions. Only you know deep down what it is that you need to do. If you're not happy, and if you're not willing to work on things, then you have to tell him this and tell him why. Honesty is the best policy - otherwise people are going to get hurt and there will be resentment. Do you love him?

[MoggieGirl]

Yes, but it's different now. I love him more as a friend than a lover and we don't have much of a sex life, we haven't for a long time and that is why he is going to leave me if we can't work things out within the next few weeks. We have even been to couples counseling. He knows everything that is going on. We have had problems in our relationship for the last 3 years, both financial and family related. We're working those problems out. One problem is I've gotten cold feet about the idea of marriage when 6 months ago I was so sure I was ready to marry him as soon as he gets a steady job and enough money together. But it's not the first time I have ever gotten cold feet. It's happened on and off during the last few years so we were content to live together for a long time. I've been having the problem of not missing him when we're apart like I used to, calling or texting to say I love you or I miss you like I used to because instead of thinking about my boyfriend throughout the day I'm thinking about "him" and the thoughts and fantasies occupy my mind and I can't force them out. This bus pal, face book friend is no more than just a friend and I was hoping I could divide this as he is just a friend and my boyfriend is the number one man in my life but I guess I've been enjoying my crush too much to give it up, found myself incapable of crushing my crush. He is only someone I have light conversations about movies and books with. I'm not cheating at all except in my brain. I won't defriend him on face book or take a different bus route to work because I can't bring myself to do it. I know that is what I should do but I somehow feel incapable of it as if I would be going through withdrawal symptoms if I didn't get my high and would gravitate towards him even more. All those coversations with my crush have been like brain orgasms for me and because this happened over a period of months doing the every day task of taking the bus to work, started out as a harmless attraction then hit me those months later that I have a crush. It doesn't even matter if I never get together with him, I have the fantasy and 10 minute conversations and face book interactions. Tried so hard to turn my crush into liking him as just a friend so my boyfriend would be priority. I still think it's possible. Crushes can diminish over time even without taking the avoidance route or am I kidding myself. Turns out I'm losing my best friend, my boyfriend whom I have had for the last 11 years. Emotional loyalty is so important in a relationship, If I can't give that to my boyfriend then perhaps it's better to be single since my heart isn't feeling devoted. Those days when I only thought of my boyfriend, and my heart missed him throughout the day have gone, I can't seem to get it back.

 

Please don't judge me. I never asked for this to happen. How could a cute man in his late 20s who innocently took an interest in a book I was reading months ago on the bus become someone I would later be infatuated with? I never expected this.

[stuka80]

How could a cute man in his late 20s who innocently took an interest in a book I was reading months ago on the bus become someone I would later be infatuated with? I never expected this.

 

innocently? lol because he wasn't interested in your book, he was interested in you. You really should talk to your boyfriend about improving your relationship and stop seeing this guy on the bus. take alternate buses, whatever it takes. but seems you already made up your mind to keep seeing him in which case you need to leave your boyfriend so he can find a woman who can make him a priority instead of an obstacle from giving in to your base desires and emotions.

[kingofhearts1]

Moggie sorry you are going through this. I think my recent Ex was feeling the same way about us after 3 1/2 yrs. It's like she just started getting cold feet about us moving forward and felt diff out of nowhere. I did everything right, so I thought. You guys are obviously bored and too comfortable. I think he has prolly turned off the charm and you have turned off all together. I agree that you should talk to him and either try to work things out or just end it. Either way, stop talking to this new guy and sort yourself out FIRST.

 

you need to leave your boyfriend so he can find a woman who can make him a priority instead of an obstacle from giving in to your base desires and emotions.

 

Couldn't agree more with this. There are plenty of other women waiting on HIM and his stability as well.

 

Good luck.

[lemsip]

I hung on, fighting, for 4 months on a "break" while my ex moved on emotionally from me. In the fourth month she started seeing someone else. Only then did she decide to tell me it was finally over.

 

Moggie, please please please, if you are considering doing anything with this new guy, break up with your bf first. It's not fair on him. I've been through it, and it's hell.