I just spoke to my ex... and feel great?

[Oasiswater]

I just spoke to my ex for the first time in a while. She told me that she was sleeping with another man (lol no surprise there). But the thing about it is, I feel great. I didn't get hostile, but I told her everything that I'd been bottling up for a while... The fact that I found out she was lying to me about so many things (including that guy), that I've been trying my best to move on in life, etc.

 

But up until tonight I've felt myself getting better slowly...but after talking to her, and finally making her say goodbye this time (she refused last time), I feel great. Hearing her tell me that she didn't love me felt awesome. I felt relief. She always used to say things like, "I'll never let you be alone. I'll always look for you." Tonight there was none of that. I explained why we weren't compatible as a couple and she agreed, and said that we'll never be.

 

I feel so happy, so relieved. I feel like someone's not looking over my shoulder waiting to pounce on me. Can anyone relate?

[Benville]

Sounds like you got the closure so many of us look for

 

I know what you mean about the looking over your shoulder bit. Both times I've split with my ex she's said things like "I love you and don't want to lose you" "I always want you in my life" "You'll always be my Ben" (that last one felt particularly unpleasant to hear, given she'd left me just 5 minutes before). Your conversation has let you close that door. I'd love to hear that myself one day, don't like loose threads.

 

I know the power of closure and tying off those threads is meant to lay within us, but sometimes it makes it more final hearing it from another.

 

Glad for you Oasis, sounds like you've been set free

[hello678]

No contact is only useful to a point (and that point is more 3 months than 3 weeks), i think eventually its beneficial to face your demons.

 

The problem is its a sliding scope, you feel great because you've spoken to her once and shown how strong you have become, but if you do it again and again and again it will make you feel progressively worse each time.

[1guygirl]

its strange isnt it, but when after some time after BU, you hear they are with someone else, and that door slams shut, all the hope (for most of us anyway) just walks right out the door with them, and its like a funeral, where you see the coffin placed into the ground, yeah it hurts, its sad, but its like a ritual where you can then move on in life. no limbo, no fork in the road, just a definite direction of which path you take from now on.

 

ignorance is bliss, but only for a little while, because the truth will set you free

[Benville]

Seeing it as a funeral is a bit of a negative view in my opinion. For someone hanging in limbo thinking "will she wont she will she wont she" or whatever, then having that door closed to me would be more like someone unlocking a shackle and setting you free pleasantly, rather than slamming a door and burning your dreams.

 

Hope is a double edged sword, I'd rather see being free from false hope as a good thing than a bad. That's also the impression I get from Oasis.

[Oasiswater]

Hope is a double edged sword, I'd rather see being free from false hope as a good thing than a bad. That's also the impression I get from Oasis.

 

You're definitely correct, Ben. Dumping someone and then telling them, "I'll always love you. No one will ever replace you. You and I had a love that was so special and so amazing. I'll never let you go. I'll always look for you.' is one of the cruelest things you can do to someone. Right off the bat it will give them an immense amount of hope that you'll realize your mistake and come running back soon after. In time (or in my situation), it turned into a constant fear of her monitoring me.... I got to a point where if I got a friend request on fb, I'd go through the profile thoroughly to make sure it wasn't her. It becomes less of hope, after a while, and more of a stifling feeling.

 

After that conversation tonight, I feel like the world has been lifted off of my shoulders. It's almost as if I feel like she's finally someone else's responsibility, and she'll just leave me alone. With that said, I told her that I'm saying goodbye, and that I absolutely mean it. I set up every precaution, blocked her everywhere, set up email filters, blocked her number on my phone, etc.

 

As for the feeling, I'd say it's quite the opposite. It's not really a feeling of closing the door and moving on at all... I feel like it's more of a feeling of finally OPENING that door, and letting yourself out of that mental and emotional prison.

[hello678]

You're definitely correct, Ben. Dumping someone and then telling them, "I'll always love you. No one will ever replace you. You and I had a love that was so special and so amazing. I'll never let you go. I'll always look for you.' is one of the cruelest things you can do to someone.

 

Yet most breakups follow this pattern. Its amazing how dumpers feel the need to compliment the dumpee.

[Benville]

Your timing on this is fairly acute

 

Had a little taste this morning I guess. My ex and I had been planning on going to a music festival together, but for one reason or another didn't buy tickets. Well, today I bought one for myself to go with friends, and I get a "Like" from her on my fb status about buying a ticket finally. It just made a twang on the heart strings, we'd talked about going together for so long, and we've been NC for a couple of weeks now barring one contact where she asked me for more time, now she's popping up again.

 

Meh, we'll see. Makes you wonder what goes through someones head when they make these barbed comments, giving you false hope (which later becomes straight up pain/stifling as you say) right after they rip you a new one eh?

 

Happy for you still, glad you got it resolved.

[1guygirl]

Seeing it as a funeral is a bit of a negative view in my opinion.

 

depends on how you view death and funerals death is without a doubt as exciting as birth....a whole new 'life' ....its jus those who are left behind that feel the loss of the physical person they once knew

[Tryptophan]

You're definitely correct, Ben. Dumping someone and then telling them, "I'll always love you. No one will ever replace you. You and I had a love that was so special and so amazing. I'll never let you go. I'll always look for you.' is one of the cruelest things you can do to someone.

 

That's a defense mechanism for the dumper. They want to avoid guilt so they avoid trashing you in their own way. Defense mechanisms as dumpers/dumpees are way different but both experience loss. You can't really blame them for using it...

[swann]

Hey mtom12, what did you mean by NC is only useful to a point and that point is more 3 months than 3 weeks? What did that mean by chance? Curious as I'm around 9 weeks NC except for one phone call from her requesting her clothes. Is it a clarity type of issue or your past them or what?

 

Thanks.

[hello678]

No Contact allows you to get over the relationship, i was merely saying 3 months because otherwise people will say "its been 2 weeks its time to talk to my ex"

 

It only helps when you still arn't over it. When you no longer care i don't think being polite to your ex is such a bad thing.

[swann]

I see. I agree that once your over it then it's OK to be cordial to your ex. I have been nice to her all along though so once I get to where I don't care at all I hope to be doing OK by then.

 

I read on here where realdeal said "NC gets you to the point where you really don't care if you talk to them or not" I believe that to be true as I think I'm getting closer and closer to that point.

[Thorshammer]

Thats closure for you... also, you she isnt looking so beautiful and perfect and wonderful in your eyes anymore. So many of us forget the negatives when we are dumped, we stay drifting in the belief that we thought we could have made it work (which is the stage I am at) and that it was our fault.