I know what she wants and don't know how to give it to her..

[ironhound]

My family has just moved...while I invested a lot of time and energy in the move beforehand, afterwards I just didn't have the strength to work on the place. I went back to work, and tried to help out in the evenings.

 

In the past couple of days, my wife just exploded: I'm nasty to her friends, my mother is an evil witch and I take no responsibility for anything. So she says. She's gotten completely hysterical, and even her sisters say she's gone totally irrational.

 

When I asked her why she stays with me (yes - we've gotten that far), she says that she loves me, and that I have certain characteristics that she knows she can't find anywhere else. But she acts in a way that is seriously endangering her chances of enjoying those characteristics for much longer...

 

In any case, I understand what she wants - to know that I am there for her, that I am behind her all the way...but I don't know how to convince her that I am. No matter what I do. it's just not good enough, it's "cosmetic"' I'm just doing it to avoid conflict.

 

So - any ideas how I can convince her I am behind her?

[June4life]

If she says that she really loves you and you have certain characteristics that are hard to find, then why not ask her why she's been acting this way lately?

 

Maybe she's just stressed with the move, and everything?

 

She sounds to be pretty hormonal.... is it possible that she's pregnant?

 

Really bad PMS???

[OceanEyes]

Your wife doesn't seem to be trusting what you say, and since I don't really know you or her, it's difficult to say why.

 

Saying that you're there for someone completely and that you support them 100% is actually a different thing than demonstrating it through your actions. I tend to trust a man's actions above his words in any conflict.

 

If your wife has always seemed well-balanced before, then she's probably just overly stressed and needs some down time. I've been this way before - and luckily have a very understanding boyfriend. Sometimes you can get so overwhelmed with things that you do behave irrationally, and blame other people.

 

There's a good chance that if you haven't been around a lot, or if the two of you haven't spent any real quality time together recently, that it could be the reason she's feeling so unsupported. Women tend to feel supported and feel like 'you're there for them' when you really listen to what they're saying, understand, and try to validate their feelings of anger or frustration. For example she might say something like this:

 

"I don't feel like you're behind me 100%. I feel like I'm on my own with no support from you!"

 

What she's probably trying to say (rather inefficiently) is this:

 

"I don't feel like we're connecting verbally right now, which is what I need to feel loved and supported by you. I'm feeling insecure and lonely. Can we please just spend some time, just the two of us, doing something we used to love doing? I just need some undivided attention right now. I love you and don't mean to push you away!"

 

So, at this point you're feeling like she doesn't appreciate the effort, time, money and probably patience that you put into taking care of her and your family. I can guarantee you it's not that, she's venting because she gets relief from it. Men tend to work out their problems alone, in their own heads, whereas women (as you probably know) are talkers. They'll try to talk themselves to death to relieve their hurt and anger. It's taken me a long time to realize that this approach gets you absolutely nowhere with a man. If she simply came out and said, "I'm just feeling so stressed, and I know you are too. You do so much for us. I think we deserve a night to ourselves with some good food and conversation. Can we plan something like that for the weekend hun?", then I'm sure conversations would never turn into full-blown arguments with blame flying everywhere it shouldn't be. This is how resentment begins.

 

Sometimes, when I'm feeling detached from my boyfriend and our relationship, I tend to start feeling insecure, or that he's 'not as into it' as he used to be. This usually isn't either of our faults, but it takes effort to keep it from happening. Usually what helps me, is when my boyfriend comes home from work and brings home food or something else that is a surprise. Even better, is to spend the rest of the night chatting and being affectionate - with no distractions. If you have kids, try to get them to bed early or hire a babysitter and get out of the house. ANYTHING to spend time that is shared only between you and her.

 

For me, sometimes all it takes is to feel appreciated again. Even if it's something small, like taking her out to dinner and genuinely asking her to open up to you about what's really bothering her will help.

 

I know you feel unappreciated and attacked by her, as I can see through your post. This is also a problem, since I've noticed that when a man feels his words are not trusted, and his actions are not appreciated, then he's likely to give less effort to the relationship as a whole (understandably so). Your wife's stress and frustration are coming out, but in the wrong direction.

 

Your wife wants reassurance through your actions, not through your words. You and her have a different idea of what reassurance is I think. You think that you're being supportive and reassuring verbally, but I think she would respond better and relax a bit if you demonstrated this through your actions. Open up a bottle of wine, cook or order dinner, and let the good times roll.