Finally Getting Over Him

[Silverbirch]

I just wanted to let people know that I didn't think I would get over him for a long, long time, but it's definitely happening - maybe even happened.

 

If he contacted me tomorrow wanting to reconcile, I would say no. I don't even think I want to be "friends" with him - he hasn't behaved at all like a friend over these last few months.

 

I am no longer heartbroken. I actually feel happy a lot of the time. I'm happy to be on my own for now.

 

Hang in there if you are struggling. I cannot more highly recommend a book called: "From Abandonment to Healing." It's helped me anyway.

[banal]

Congratulations. Once you get to that point of refusing hypothetical reconciliation - and being honest about it - you've moved on, imo.

[LTS48]

That book had me completely better. Some premature contact on her part set me back, so I went NC again and am going to reread it. It helps so much to help you understand why you feel the way you do.

[NeverGoingBack]

I cannot more highly recommend a book called: "From Abandonment to Healing." It's helped me anyway.

 

'endy' recommended this book and it's on its way now.. Look forward to reading it... Thanks for sharing your thoughts...

[TheDoctor]

I feel the same way Silverbirch, from a coma like state in month 1 and willing to eat nails to have her back to feeling like I wouldn't even pick up a phone call right now in month 4. I'm moving forward

[annieperson]

thank you so much for your post Silverbirch. I am hoping to be where you are one day. I definitely have gotten over the panic, the crying and yes, even the begging. I have stopped making myself available at his beckon call and am actually smiling and finding the good in my days. However I still have some moments. I just made a post about him now having a FB account and me seeing that he added his ex girlfriend. I dont want it to bother me but it does. I thought I was doing so well! Maybe I just have to allow the feeling in, deal with it and let it go? I dont know

[Realitynut]

I'm so happy for you S.B. it's been 4 months next week since I last saw my ex. Last yr. at this time, I was at his house and he said he was at work, and he was with her. Then Aug. 5 I found out about her. July 31 is HIS birthday. I had a B.C. bought already, and was going to send it. But I thought tonite, why? So he's been with her for a year. Who knows what kind of vacations they are going on. And I'm sitting here in a crappy apt. in this sweltering heat, and my airconditioner went out. It's only a room one, but it's all I had. I went from feeling like I was at least middle-class to Trailer park trash!!!

 

I'm giving myself one year to get over him. And then what?? I still think about him constantly. Unless I'm on here talking to you, or watching t.v. He was always on my mind...and still is. Only his face is a little blurry. But what hurts the most is he chose her over me. A tatooed, smoker and drinker. I still thought he loved me. I still bought into all his lies, because he didn't have the balls to tell me the truth. And I didn't have the courage to face the truth.

 

I want to buy uncoupling and the book you have recommended. I was going to the book store yesterday. but I sat on the couch all day. 12 hours straight. I think that's called depression. Oh, I better take my anti-depressant and see if they help. I've gained 15 pounds now in the last 2 months. And am a blob.

[Silverbirch]

Hugs Everyone,

My thoughts and good wishes are with you all. Truly, I am SO MUCH BETTER and I know you all will be too. I can so identify with the "coma" feeling. I'm preparing myself that I could experience waves of sadness, but I'm really okay today. Had a small cry earlier, but it wasn't an overwhelming feeling of sadness. It was more about the realisation that probably all my life, I've worn my heart on my sleeve, and this has really not been in my own interests. I do also feel acceptance about the breakup. I've changed. I can see him in a different light, and he is no longer the sort of person I want to be with.

 

Carla, over time, he will probably tire of her. Considering all the money she spends on him, he will likely not come clean with her - unless he finds another woman with at least as much money. Sorry, but that's the impression I get about him. I would so love to hear of you getting it all together, getting happy and gorgeous, and holding your head high when you pick up your things. PLEASE read that book. I haven't even finished it yet, and it's great.

 

Anyway, I hope you will check in here again, and I can guarantee you that if you hang in there and get the right type of support, you will get through all of this and emerge happier and better at the end of it.

[Silverbirch]

The other thing that has occurred to me, especially with dumpees in their earlier desperation to get the ex back and denial, is that we have put energies into looking at our own negative contributions to a relationship and worked on ourselves. This often isn't the case with the dumper, and I would say 99.99% the case with my ex. To go back, you would be changed, but the ex hasn't. If they were the dumper, they would have so much more power in the relationship, and if they have beeen exploitive towards you previously, you can expect worse. This was the case with my ex ex - we had been together for a long time and he got GIGS amongst other things. I let myself be swept off my feet back into the relationship for a while and of course, it was so much worse.

 

Better to let the breakup be a turning point for a better life.

[AvonRepus]

I don't want to sound negative but knowing that you will say no to his attempt to get back together doesn't always mean you moved on. Maybe that's your case but after 3 years of marriage and dating before that and after all the s*** he pulled I proudly announced I will never be with him again on the 4th day after the BU. So what,I know I don't want him in my life and I will never forgive him. But the bitterness and the pain are what keep me in the "not moved on" state yet. I think the day I don't have my heart racing by hearing his name will be my day of victory. Until then I consider myself still "sick" and even though I will never never touch this person without being disgusted I still need time.

 

I am happy for you,don't get me wrong,your story kinda reminded me of my old me. 4-5 years ago,I broke up with my boyfriend and lived my life,I was happy,didn't think of him for months and barely remembered what we went through. Then 7-8 months after the BU I heard he was in jail and I fell apart. My heart almost exploded with emotions and a friend of mine said she's never seen me so desperate and sad,I felt so bad ,I couldn't sleep for weeks.And I thought I was healed and over him.

 

So I practice now and then,what if I hear he's getting married again,how do I feel,what if he's in the hospital,how do I feel...things like that help me keep my heart and mind in check. So I won't be fooled and hurt again,so I will know when I am emotionally healthy and mentally equipped again.

[sadchick83]

Silver, I am so happy for you! It's like being in jail, I know. Keep up the good work and please report your progress!

[Silverbirch]

Hi Avonrepus,

You gave me a chuckle at the thought of my ex in jail! LMAO I recently found out my ex ex from 5 years ago is getting married, and my immediate thought was "Phew, better her than me!"

 

Thanks Sadchick. Back atcha!