what is/who is "the one?"

[magpie]

my boyfriend and i recently separated. its very hard, because i felt like he was perfect for me. we had a very open and honest relationship full of mutual respect, understanding, and an infinate amount of love. we had the type of relationship that ive been looking for for quite some time. and then i got a phone call. he said hes not ready for commitment, that he wants space. that hes attracted to other women, and wants the ability to act on those attractions. that he doesnt want me, or him, to make decisions that may adversely affect our lives because of the other person (like relocating, etc).

 

so, heres where im confused. our relationship is virtually the same. we live in different cities, but he still calls me. last night we spoke for 4.5 hours, about everything. our relationship, or lives, etc. anyhow, he is so confusing. he wants to be "good friends, more than friends" but he still wants to have his freedom. the part that throws me through a loop is this: we have an awesome connection, have from the beginning. we still can enjoy the other.

 

what is going on? this makes me so confused. i still think we are perfect for each other, that he is closing his eyes off to this because he isnt ready. but, when he is ready, will he come to me? or to another woman?

 

any help, advice, suggestions? please...

[Wildncrazzy4u172]

I do believe that this guy did kinda "end" things with you because he started to realize how great y'all are together. Guys take longer to be able to be in a committed relationship, not to say that girls don't have their own committing problems. Guys are usually the ones who want to get married later on in life, they want the experience of dating around, partying.. drinking.. going to bars.. because they figure once they get in a relationship and get serious they won't be able to do that anymore.

 

Hang in there, be his friend, but at the same time be the same girl you have been the whole time y'all were together. I know many of times I have done and said things to my boyfriend in order for him not to want to be with me anymore. And you know why? Because I actually got to thinking how perfect we really are for eachother, and how much he really does love me. I know that really doesn't make any sense, but a lot of people do that sort of thing. Its not that he doesn't love you, or want to be with you, its just hes scared, and of course him being a guy, he'll never admit it. Give him time... and like they say.. Let him go.. and if he comes back he was yours, and if he doesn't, he never was. Or of course you could use twisted logic and start to act like you don't care whether you have a relationship with him or not and so they say, he should want you back.. I'm not too sure if that works... but hey, why not? No matter which way you choose to handle the situation, both have their advantages and disadvantages.. I know when I get to the point to where I start doing stupid things in order for my boyfriend not to want to be with me, I need alone time.. I need to realize how much I would be losing if I let him walk out of my life. Let your guy come to reality, even though really all hes asking for is to learn the hard way. Life wouldn't be life if we never committed to one person for the rest of our lives now would it? Let him realize what a blessing you are to his life, and how misrable he would be without you.. I know that seems harsh, but sometimes thats what it takes for a person to wake up and to realize just how much one person means to them.

 

 

~Jenn email removed

[RobzGr8]

First of all, since you are obviously still in High School, you shouldn't be looking for the "ONE" until you out of college, with a 50K a year job and a condo.

Anyway, your ex may have been a great guy, and you may have gotten along great, but he wasn't the "ONE." You'll never find the "ONE" if you are constantly trying to make every guy you go out with fit your idea of the "ONE" either.

 

Take me for example...I know what things I like and don't like. I know how I want to be treated and what I won't tolerate from women. I know what kind of habits women have that I don't like, or if she's a yeller or a fighter or smoker or a druggy...etc...etc...etc. And, to save myself from ending up wasting my time on a girl who has one or more of these red flag qualities, when I spot behavior I don't like, or a horrible kisser...I just tell her it's not working and then I continue dating so that I can find a girl who is right for ME!! I don't care if she thinks I'm right for HER. MY happiness comes first...always. And I'm very happy with the way things go for me thank you! DATE A BUNCH OF PEOPLE SO YOU CAN FIND OUT WHAT YOU LIKE AND DON'T LIKE....

It doesn't make you a whore to date. It makes you a whore to go out and *beep* 100 guys before your 18th birthday!! Dating doesn't always mean making love either. But, if you WANT to have sex...DO IT!! It still doesn't make you a whore! All you young girls are setting yourselves up for is YEARS of torture if you are constantly on the "hunt" for the "one."

Be young...have fun...drinking responsibly...use condoms...and stop putting so much *beep* pressure on us guys by always thinking that we have to get married to you just because we are dating!! Quick tip on that...the more you pressure us...the faster we will dump you! And PLEASE...go ahead...give us an ultimatum while your at it!! You'll find yourself sitting on the curb faster than you can speed dial your girlfriend to tell her to bring some kleenex and some rocky road over for your "just got dumped cry-a-thon!"

Stop looking for the "one." You'll find him eventually. And stop looking for the "one" until you are at least 25. Guys aren't the only ones who want to go out and have fun...I know a bunch of 21, 22, 23 and even a 19 year old, who have been with their HUSBANDS since High School...had a kid or two, and now that they are a little older....all they want to DO is go out and have all the fun that they robbed themselves of by marrying their "one."

[SwingFox]

Hello magpie,

 

I totally disagree with Rob's words here. The only valid point that he brings accross, is that it might be a good idea for you to think what exactly you are looking for in a guy and what you expect out of a relationship. It might be a good idea to date guys that match those ideas best. Talk to the guy that you really like and communicate with them. Communication leads to a better understanding. Tell them how you see the future and ask them how they look at things. That will help you in figuring out if this guy is working for you.

 

Here's one more thing... the rule in life I live by: "The only obligation YOU have in life, is the obligation for YOU to be happy. If YOU are not happy, YOU cannot make someone else happy."

 

I wish you good luck and a prosperous future.

 

~ SwingFox ~

[magpie]

first off...im NOT in highschool. Im a 26 year old professional. nothing in that message gave the impression of high school. maybe bc i said we lived in different towns? anyhow, i dont believe in "the one." some mystical being sent to you from god above. hah!! the point is the fact that my ex is teetering between two realities. the first is the reality where he loves me and is attacted to me both physically and psychologically. the other is the fact that he refuses to commit, and chooses to spend the times when we are not chatting or conversing chasing after some bisexual "ill screw anything and anyone in any combination at anytime" tart. anyhow, my point is "how do you know?" and "why would someone attempt to exchange a wonderful relationship for something so cheap (the tart, by the way, has a "boyfriend"), while at the same time refusing to let go?"