I'm worried about coming on too strong, or too weak?

[Oasiswater]

Hey guys, my LDR ex and I broke up last month, and I went strictly NC. I didn't know why she did it, but she said it was because she "didn't love me anymore."

 

Two days ago she reached out to me and told me that she really, really missed me. She took the time to explain to me what was going through her head, and through her heart for the last month or so. She'd been having an awful time with her friends. Apparently there was a lot of a drama going on at work, with people talking behind her back and spreading rumors, etc. She considered herself friendless, and kept telling me, "I'm a loner. I don't need anyone. You were my only true friend and I pushed you out of my life, and i'm going to regret it forever"

 

She basically told me that she did love me, that it was the hardest thing she'd ever done in her entire life, and she did it because she thought I'd be happier. The truth is that I'd been coming down on her a lot, because I was feeling neglected. I was starting to feel like I didn't matter to her. I would constantly question her love for me, and be really needy. In hindsight I notice all of these things, and I can imagine how awful I made her feel at times. She kept telling me that she's scared of never being able to make me happy, but she doesn't want to be without me.

 

I can't help but imagine that I was the reason why she'd never have much to say to me. Almost every time we talked, I expressed how upset I was with her. Combined with all of the drama in her life, I can't help but feel like I was just being a really insensitive a**hole. Since the breakup, I've worked on diversifying my interests and becoming a more independent person. Reaching out to old friends, etc, so that she's not the only thing in my life. I realize that it's really unhealthy to be this way.

 

So with that all said, my question for you all is this: Knowing all of the above, and that she wants to get back into a relationship with me (But is really apprehensive out of fear of not being able to make me happy), how should I proceed? For the last two days, I've been keeping contact to a minimum. She's actually reached out to me every time, and initiated communication. I'm just wondering if I should keep this up? I'm afraid of reaching out to her, and making her feel like she's pressured into contacting me back when she's busy at work. (I got on her case in the past for this, but the truth is, if she gets caught with her phone out she can get in a lot of trouble).

 

I want to prove to her that I'm there to support her, and that I fully understand that she can't always dedicate time to me. I want to prove to her that I won't constantly criticize her every time I get an opportunity to talk to her. I want to prove to her that I can indeed be supportive, independent, trusting and loving without breathing down her neck 24/7. I figured letting her get comfortable with reaching out to me would be a good first step, am i right?

[DN]

Ask her to meet with a view to talking things through and finding out what you each want from the other and whether you can provide that.

[Oasiswater]

Ask her to meet with a view to talking things through and finding out what you each want from the other and whether you can provide that.

 

60 views so far and this is the only response, so I'm assuming most people think this is the best solution... but I'm not even sure of what you mean. Do you mind trying to explain?

 

I'll touch briefly on the communication thus far. We're going onto our 5th year now, and she's told me that what she ultimately wants from me is a future. A family, just like we used to look forward to in the past. She wants my attention, my care and my support in her goals. She wants me to "be on her team" all the time. I'm 100% dedicated to giving her all of the above. It's really not a problem for me to do, at all.

 

From what she's described to me about what she's feeling, I personally think (from my own experience) that she might be suffering from a bit of depression. I've spoken to her about seeking professional help, but she says, "I don't believe in depression." I'm just hoping that we can ride it out, and that she can start looking at me as a good thing in her life, as opposed to someone who constantly criticizes her.

 

We haven't spoken at all yesterday because she apparently worked a 13 hour shift. Usually I would've texted her multiple times for the day, but I've been avoiding initiating communication because I don't want her to feel overwhelmed or pressured. I want her to feel like she can come to me whenever she has time, and I won't be upset with her about it. By the same token though, it's really unlike me to NOT reach out to her, and I'm concerned about her taking it the wrong way (that I'm not interested in her).

[endy]

Go ahead and proceed with reconciling like DN said. I agree with it, and he's pretty good on letting people know when it is and when it isn't a good idea. However, Please read... For men only, and then I would recommend you both read reconciliation by thich nhat hahn. This can be done when you are together, but you may want to do it before reconciliation. Work on how you speak to each other in the relationship. It will help a TON. The first book is so you understand where she is coming from. The second is so you two can work together better. If you both read it and practice what it preaches... I can see reconciliation working for the long haul if both of you are right now being honest with your feelings.

[Oasiswater]

Thanks for the great advice so far, i'll definitely look into those pieces. Getting her to read anything would be a chore though (tried that already), so I might as well do it for myself.

 

I really do feel myself slipping into the old habit of needing to hear from her all day every day. I'm constantly fighting with myself to curb it, but it's really hard. Sometimes when I don't hear from her all day, I really do take it personally, and I can't. I need to take it slow, and let our communication gradually open up to where it used to be. If I don't hear from her for 24 hours, I start taking it personally, feeling like she doesn't want me in her life.

 

I'm trying my best to stay busy and let her come to me, though. She told me that today has been really rough, and that she's been sad. I've been trying to give her space though, and told her that if she wants to talk, I'm available.

 

I know it's awful, but sometimes I can't help but feel like she wanted me so bad when she didn't have me, and now that she does, she doesn't care to put in any effort at all. It's really disheartening, because I'm honestly trying so hard.

[DN]

Well, she seems to have laid out what she wants - what do you want?

 

Generally, that sort of talk would go something like:

 

"Within five years, I want to be married and have started a family"

 

to which the answer might be:

 

"OK, that sounds great"

 

or

 

"OK, I definitely want to marry you and have kids but I need to finish my education and at least start on my career, how about we wait until I graduate in a years time and map out a definite time line them?"

 

to which she might reply:

 

"OK, but I will need a commitment, like being engaged before then"

 

The important thing is to negotiate and compromise but you do need to have an 'endgame' that you both agree. This is not conducted as a "I win, you lose" scenario but "by the end of this discussion, we both win".