Not sure how to handle the situation

[Irial]

Hi everybody, thanks in advance for reading this. I wasn't sure this is the appropriate forum to post this, but hopefully it's ok.

 

First of all, I should probably state that I am writing this mostly to vent, but I am also looking for advice if anybody has some to give.

 

I have been dating my boyfriend for 5 months and we are long distance (very long distance actually). We met up last in May and as he went back home, he started grad school. He had warned me it would be tough and that he would always be busy, and I accepted that and decided to stay with him and support him despite the fact a LDR is already tough as it is. He's been in grad school for a little over a month now and while at first I was ok with things, I am starting to be pretty unhappy about them now. He is having a really tough time adjusting to the stressful routine. He works about 8 hours a day, 7 days a week. I accepted the fact we wouldn't get to skype or talk on the phone much because it seemed obvious as things were so messy and busy (and we have a 7h time difference which makes it really hard too), but I am starting to think he doesn't really miss me as much as I miss him.

 

At the beginning he was always trying to talk to me even if for a few minutes, he'd text me even just to say good morning before work and such. Now he doesn't do any of that anymore, he just talks to me like 15 minutes a day (chats online actually). Yesterday he didn't even say a word to me, he did not contact me at all. I figured he'd miss me eventually and message me or email me once he'd get home after work, but he never did. I thought then this morning he'd text me because to me a whole day without a word did make a difference, but he didn't. I am feeling awful about this because I feel like a fool. I feel I am the only one who cares this much while he doesn't even miss me at all.

 

The worst part is that when something like this happens, I feel like just avoiding him. I feel that it is best for me to stay away from him because the only way I have to cope with the fact he does not miss me (or at least that is the only conclusion I could reach), is trying to only concentrate on myself and just stop thinking about him altogether. And to be honest, I know this is childish, but I also do it because I wish sometimes he also felt like he misses me so I hope by avoiding him, he will.

 

I feel guilty because he had told me it would be this way before, and I told him I'd do my best to work things out with him, but I feel I am the only one struggling / trying so I resent him for that (even though I know I probably shouldn't because he's just doing his best with his work). He encouraged me to send him emails telling him about my days into details and such, so that he can read them while he is not busy even though I might be already asleep or so, and I tried. He reads them but never takes the time to answer them, and just chats with me those few minutes online. I don't feel like sending the emails anymore because I feel if he really cared for them he'd at least take a few minutes to write me back instead of just reading them (I assume that makes him feel like he's done his part listening to me for the day?).

 

I do believe he loves me, I just really wonder if he does as much as I love him. I know he's going through a tough time and those few minutes we do talk, it's usually all time spent on supporting him and cheering him up about things. So much so that I feel I am disappearing, like I don't really exist anymore (my problems, my needs, my wishes..). It doesn't help that being so stressed he's usually easily irritated and sometimes snaps at me while all I am doing is trying to help.

 

I feel I am stuck. I am clearly not too good at supporting him as I am hurt by the fact he doesn't miss me, and I can't get myself to talk things through with him because 1) he wouldn't have time, 2) if he did end up having time for it, he'd probably resent ME for bringing up something like that while he's so stressed with things already.

 

I have asked him if he thinks it's best I leave him alone (as in we break up) because grad school and a gf is too much to handle at once. He said no, because I am his goal. He is doing all this looking at the future and seeing the time when he'll be with me.

 

I really love him, but I don't know what to do. I don't know how to get rid of this awful feeling about him not seeming to miss me and I don't know how to be able to support him right while I feel this way. Advice would be much appreciated!

[abitbroken]

In this situation the "give him space" does not apply. If you don't contact him at all, he might go away. I would try to contact him at a set time every day. If he doesn't answer, he doesn't answer. Just leave a "have a great day. I am excited about your interview today." Or "Hi Jim Bob. have a great day". When it is regular, and you don't call incessantly if he doesn't answer back, it might take the burden off of him being stressed that he needs to find time to call or write you. And suggest that once a week you have a "date". Anyway, I would also ask yourself if there was an end to this. Is there a set date when you will be back together or someone goes or comes for a visit. Its hard when there isn't. I also suggest deciding if this is working for you. I understand he is away and you accepted that, but you need to have what you need also. If there is no end date in mind as far as spending a weekend together once in awhile, it doesn't do much for getting this young relationship off the ground.

[ForumGuy]

Sounds like the only way to support this guy is to leave him alone. When people get really busy, they are forced to shut some things out. Since grad school started only a month ago, he may still be adjusting to it and feeling overwhelmed. You don't have much choice except to have faith in him and be patient with it, or end things with him. Right now, grad school is his top priority.

[Irial]

I actually do send him messages to say have a great day and stuff like that, never with questions so that he doesn't feel pressured into texting back or anything. But I feel pretty stupid doing that regularly if I'm not getting an answer, what am I really doing it for? He knows I'm thinking about him. I don't think he feels that pressured into making that time either, but I might be wrong. I could figure out a way to ask for a date once a week, I just somewhat feel bad about asking for it because he should be wanting it as much as me and making that time to begin with. So if he doesn't I assume he either has no time at all, or he just doesn't want it...in both cases I don't think I'd want to push him into acting different.

 

Supposedly we are going to meet up for Christmas but that is also not for sure since he has to figure out how much time he has off and when that will happen. Until then, I can't get a ticket, so there is nothing that we know for sure. He says he will probably know in September, so that is when I might start checking tickets out. As for an end time to this, grad school ends in 23 months for him. That is when it is over for good, and he says he'll see if he can get a job closer to me so that we can either move in together right away or at least meet up often until I find a job there too and we move in together. That is kind of the plan.

[abitbroken]

Don't move in together after not being in the same country. Find your own place first and start to date him.

 

Also, when someone doesn't do something because they want the other person to "make time" it doesn't get done. You assume if he doesn't do something he doesn't want to do it, but he may be thinking the same of you. Maybe say "hey jim bob/steve/whatever his name is, how about friday morning we get together over skype and have breakfast together". or whatever works in your timezones. not 'you need to plan a date".

[Irial]

Sounds like the only way to support this guy is to leave him alone. When people get really busy, they are forced to shut some things out. Since grad school started only a month ago, he may still be adjusting to it and feeling overwhelmed. You don't have much choice except to have faith in him and be patient with it, or end things with him. Right now, grad school is his top priority.

I have told him before I will leave him alone if that is what he needs, but he keeps saying that when I say that he feels hurt because "I don't get how much he loves me, more than he loves his family or has ever loved anyone" and that he never wants me to leave him alone. I am really confused. I know grad school is really important and part of the reasons why I like him so much is that he takes his education seriously and that he works hard, but it is hard to tell what is best to do when he doesn't want me to leave him alone but then acts like this. When he says that, I try to keep close to him and then he ignores me (not saying he does this on purpose, I just mean he doesn't talk to me) and then I feel that much worse.

 

Thanks for your reply though, and thanks to the other person who replied too

[Irial]

Also, when someone doesn't do something because they want the other person to "make time" it doesn't get done. You assume if he doesn't do something he doesn't want to do it, but he may be thinking the same of you. Maybe say "hey jim bob/steve/whatever his name is, how about friday morning we get together over skype and have breakfast together". or whatever works in your timezones. not 'you need to plan a date".

He knows I want to do it because I have expressed the wish to talk to him many times before (I told him how I miss his voice, how I miss looking at him, how I love it when we do get to be on skype etc etc but trying to keep it light, not in a needy way or anything). So no, I don't think he may be thinking the same of me. I suppose I have issues trying to directly ask for things because I feel like I am pressuring him even more.

[abitbroken]

He knows I want to do it because I have expressed the wish to talk to him many times before (I told him how I miss his voice, how I miss looking at him, how I love it when we do get to be on skype etc etc but trying to keep it light, not in a needy way or anything). So no, I don't think he may be thinking the same of me. I suppose I have issues trying to directly ask for things because I feel like I am pressuring him even more.

 

No, he doesn't know. When you tell someone you miss them, it means you miss them. It might even make him feel bad to repeatedly hear "i miss looking at you" knowing he can't do anything about it right now. Honestly, it is less pressuring telling something you want that you can take action on than vague "i miss you" and expect him to 'get" that he should skype you. Sometimes people need to be hit with a hammer. You need to tell him, "hey honey, I've got an idea! Lets go on a date. I'll get some ice cream and you get some too and we can skype accross the table. How does this weekend, sound?" Or what about taking some photos of places you went and making a slide show to send him? Maybe he'll reciprocate. Some folks who are LDR make it a point to read the same book or watch the same movie and then talk about it. It's more pressure for someone to try to 'figure out what to do" than saying "yes" or "maybe later" to plans the person that is not so crazy busy organized.

[Moneypenny]

At the beginning he was always trying to talk to me even if for a few minutes, he'd text me even just to say good morning before work and such. Now he doesn't do any of that anymore, he just talks to me like 15 minutes a day (chats online actually). Yesterday he didn't even say a word to me, he did not contact me at all. I figured he'd miss me eventually and message me or email me once he'd get home after work, but he never did. I thought then this morning he'd text me because to me a whole day without a word did make a difference, but he didn't. I am feeling awful about this because I feel like a fool. I feel I am the only one who cares this much while he doesn't even miss me at all.

 

Irial, this reminds me of how I felt half way through my LDR...LOTS of communication in the beginning, and then suddenly...it all drops off and changes, and you're left wondering if there's something wrong with the relationship. Your mind takes you off on silly roller-coaster rides of paranoia, doubts and horrible insecurities about whether the other person still feels the same about you - because they're not communicating with you according to YOUR expectations.

 

There is a definite 'art and skill' to effective communication in LDR's that serves to satisfy the emotional needs of both parties whilst you're apart. You have to work out what that level and frequency is, that'll keep you both going emotionally. This may take a little bit of time because at the moment you are still getting to know each other.

 

I do however think, that going a whole day without reciprocated communication is not on, and is definitely not fair on the other person! If he's unable to be in touch for whatever reason, he ought to be encouraged (not pressured) to let you know in advance. You both have to be considerate of each other's feelings, and you might want to get him into the habit of being more considerate, perhaps with you leading by example. You don't necessarily need to be having a formal discussion about it (which can sometimes add more tension and pressure), but a few texts or e-mails over a few days or weeks even, and learning about each other's schedules, and time constraints, is all it takes...(this will require a LOT of patience on your part) and he should by all means catch on, eventually. But do give the process time to work, and for it to sink in, thereby allowing for a more natural and comfortable rhythm of communication to take place between you.

 

It's very difficult to advise you on what you might think is reasonable in terms of how you communicate, because everybody's long distance relationship is different; but, if you are both smitten, it's not unreasonable to work towards the following;

 

1) A Wake up/Good Morning text, every day....."Morning Honey..blah de blah etc..Did you sleep well?" This way you're inviting him to respond...and you're by no means pressurising him. Do ask a question at the end of your text.

 

2) A couple of hours later you could let him know what you're doing at that moment...and at the end of your text, ask a question..."how's your day going, Baby?" (or whatever term of endearment you use - this softens the question so it doesn't seem like an interrogation).

 

3) A pre-bedtime time text....and include a question at the end..."what's for dinner, Honey?"..or whatever it is, depending on his time-zone...

 

4) The final text of the day. "..blah de blah...I'm off to dreamville with you...lots of kisses, I love you, blah blah".. etc

 

Do this every day for a week or so, and he'll eventually catch on to the routine.

 

Personally, I hate IM. We've done it a few times, and we both hate it. Texting is so much better (for us anyway) because you have time to consider what you write and how it may be interpreted, plus you can say things that are deeply meaningful that he can read over and over again - thus satisfying his need for validation or whatever it may be that makes him feel secure and loved. If you're the one needing that validation, forget about it for the moment and try to inspire him to be on the same page as you...seriously, men are very different in their way of thinking, but you can take more control by trying to reach out to him on his level, and then take it from there, but do it slowly.

 

I hope I've made some sense. I've related to all of what you've said. You do need to be clever and intuitive in your thinking. Don't allow the doubts and paranoia to rule your thought processes.

[Irial]

You might be right, that is something I had not considered. It is more pressure to come up with something than to just have to say yes or no. That is a good point. The reason I have been avoiding direct requests is that everybody is constantly asking him to do things and I figured me adding up to that might be bad. I should find a way to ask him but without making him feel like it's his duty to act upon what I asked. Thanks for your insight. In the mean time we did manage to set that every sunday we will talk, no matter how busy he is. That is a little step forward... at least if he keeps it up I will know that whatever happens I'll get to hear form him on sunday (he works on sundays too, sadly, but he'll make some time).

[Irial]

Thank you so much for your post! It does make a lot of sense, I'll definitely try what you suggested. I hadn't thought of doing that. I just hope he won't feel pressured by any of it, but I suppose he'll just tell me if he does. It really sounds like you've been where I am now and it is comforting to hear what worked for you guys, thanks again!

[Moneypenny]

I just hope he won't feel pressured by any of it, but I suppose he'll just tell me if he does.

 

Do keep your texts light-hearted, short and sweet, and if you ensure they come accross as genuinely loving and caring, then there's no reason why he would feel pressured by that. The same with e-mails. I don't e-mail everyday, maybe once a week, and when I do, it's always something that I know will make him smile. We chat on skype, but not every day. It's about finding a balance and respecting that each of you also has a life outside of the relationship.

 

It really sounds like you've been where I am now

 

Yes, I was, and it was horrible. I had to step right back and look at the situation from different angles. Most of all, I had to learn to 'chill out', which I did eventually; and now we have just the right amount of communication that we're both comfortable with. But, it did take an awful lot of soul searching, and time.

 

LDR's can really mess with your mind. You have to be strong, and above all, you have to learn and understand what the word TRUST really means.

 

Good luck! X

[Irial]

I am trying to do as you suggested yes. I am keeping things light hearted and all. It is so difficult though... Every message is a huge effort for me to send because I also want to feel cared for and loved... he hardly initiates contact now that he is busy so he only stops doing what he's doing to reply to my texts. He does reciprocate my feelings in the texts and all, he asks if I'm ok and shows he cares, but he has yet to be the one to text me first (at least in the past few days since I've started this attempt). You know when you said that if I am the one needing validations I have to forget that for the moment? I realize that now more than ever... but I am insecure about things so it is really difficult to do this while feeling insecure about his feelings for me. I keep on wondering, am I strong enough for this?

 

I completely understand he has a life outside of the relationship, I have no problem with that at all. It would be unhealthy if he didn't. The problem is only about his life being so terribly busy right now, and making it real hard to feel like our relationship is still there. He says he's trying to learn how to balance work and us, but he hasn't found a good way yet. He said he likes me texting him so I should do that always when I feel like it. But I keep being insecure because lately he's never initiated it, so I assume that's a sign he doesn't want to hear from me, although that conflicts with him clearly stating that he does. So I constantly have to remind myself what he told me otherwise I won't get myself to contact him at all because of my insecurities.

 

You are completely right about the trust thing as well. It is very much trust related. Just in this case it's not trust related to cheating or things like that, it's trust that the person loves you even when they aren't there to tell you. Ugh I am having such a hard time with everything! I guess it doesn't help that I am also doing my finals and that stresses me out a lot.

 

Again, thanks a lot for your insight! I feel you really understand what I am going through and you can't imagine how much that helps I really hope I can get to the point you are at right now, I really admire you for what you managed to overcome.

[OptomisticGirl]

My fiance is in training for a promotion - which will enable me to move to England to be with him after our wedding - and it has drastically cut our talk time in less than half. Because of our 5 hour time difference when I go to sleep he is headed to work and when i leave for work, he's coming home. Since training started he has been super stressed and tired so on a day to day bases I'm okay with just the 30 min phone conversation and a few emails which is MUCH lower than before his training started. But there are days it nags at me and I feel lonely and I express that to him (and he's good at picking up on those things without me saying anything) so for a few days he will try to make more of an effort to be there for me emotionally because he knows it comes in phases for me. All you can do is let him know how you feel and just try to be supportive. There is a limit that if you feel you have reached you have the right to walk away though.