realities of getting back together

[tacs1895]

Slightly whimsical post... Basically I'm just wondering what it would really be like to get back together? There are many of us here who are pining for our exes and hope one day for that second chance, including me. But I think that often we think about that magical time of getting back together in quite a dream-like way, without considering what it would involve practically. What I mean is the things like seeing your exes friends again, seeing their family. Moving in together for a second time, in a new place, after you'd lived together previously all that time ago. While these are some of the things I miss most about my relationship, I think that in the hypothetical (and currently unrealistic!) chance that me and my ex were to reconcile, these things would be very awkward to return to.

 

In my own case, I guess this is an indication of not having let go. I still think of and miss these things as part of the old relationship, rather than as part of any new relationship that I might have with my ex in the future. I guess that if I truly let go and move on, then any future reconciliation will be free of those kind of awkward feelings that I still have and it would be not be awkward to see those people again.

 

Anyhow, not really looking for any personal advice, just wondering how these things felt for people of have had chances of reconciliation. Because I find it hard to imagine what it would be like. Particularly seeing their friends and family again, I can't imagine it being not weird!

[ngu11]

Well, Ive been there, got the t-shirt and it's collapsed and then I got my ex back again. It's recently ended again....BUT I have gained an insight and perspective that some are not lucky enough to experience. Yeah it feels all dreamy and magical to begin with but unless the original issues are dealt with and healed...it's always doomed. Getting your ex back is the easy part but unless both parties are fully healed and prepared to communicate effectively...it's a waste of time.

 

I'm in the midst of trying to get them back....AGAIN. this time will be harder than ever...but I'm not in the mindset of the unexperienced and fresh dumpee...everything happens for a reason

[Grace696]

I'm currently in the process of reconciling with my ex. It is a bit awkward seeing his family and friends again (especially a couple of friends who I had thought were my friends as well but then didn't contact me during the break-up!) But his family and most of his friends all love me (how could they not? ) and thought he was an idiot to break up with me and all really want us to work out. So it's been really nice seeing them again.

 

A lot of the friends sort of don't want to refer to it, as it is kind of an awkward situation and they don't want to pry. And it is pretty odd to be hanging out with these people again after months of living in hell and being totally miserable, and feeling sort of like I'd been cast out of paradise, but not referring to this. But I did have a couple of lovely interactions: my ex's best friend told me privately that he'd felt really bad for not contacting me but didn't know what to say, and that he had really missed me and was so pleased to potentially be getting me back in the circle. And when my ex and I went to visit his grandma, and he went out to get lunch for us, she asked me all about the break-up and how I'd been and was very sweet.

 

I think it will actually be more difficult for him when he has to see my family and friends again (we live in separate cities right now, so he hasn't had to do this yet) as some of my friends are less forgiving than I am of his breaking up with me. So I think it depends on the circumstances and how each of you behaved in the relationship/during the break-up in terms of how awkward it will be.

 

It's also weird having to accept that he has new friends he's made while we were broken up, people in his life who I haven't even met yet, who know him as a single guy. He's been enjoying finding his feet socially as a single person, and I've been enjoying putting myself out there and trying different hobbies and extending myself socially without him too, and if we do move back in together, it will be interesting to see how we negotiate not losing our new independent selves.

 

But on the whole, this reconciliation is what I longed for, and I am very happy to be here, and putting up with a certain amount of awkwardness and feeling of distance when we used to be so close, is definitely worth it.

[BONO]

Well, Ive been there, got the t-shirt and it's collapsed and then I got my ex back again. It's recently ended again....BUT I have gained an insight and perspective that some are not lucky enough to experience. Yeah it feels all dreamy and magical to begin with but unless the original issues are dealt with and healed...it's always doomed. Getting your ex back is the easy part but unless both parties are fully healed and prepared to communicate effectively...it's a waste of time.

 

I'm in the midst of trying to get them back....AGAIN. this time will be harder than ever...but I'm not in the mindset of the unexperienced and fresh dumpee...everything happens for a reason

 

 

 

Well said buddy.Getting the ex back is one thing and probably a certain if you follow the basic NC rules etc.

 

What is the problem is once they are back - making sure the reasons why you broke up in the first place, no longer apply.

[Batya33]

We were so lucky that our families/friends welcomed us back with open arms and more. We got back together 8 years later, 6 years ago and we've been married now for a few years and have a beautiful little boy. It depends so much on the individuals, why the breakup happened, and what changed in the interim to make a reconciliation possible. We were different people when we got back together and getting back together happened over a one month period of time after a friendly catch up dinner -we'd been in very little contact over the 8 years and when we reconciled we were in our late 30s.

[new63]

Can you tell me what you did to get to reconciliation? Did you do NC? My ex and I had lunch the other day and we talked about the issues that led us to break-up, that we loved one another and what did I want to do? I said that's unfair question. I love him very much, but he needs to get things figures out and I need to stop "smothering" him. He kept kissing me and said he would call me this weekend, but I don't know if he will. I felt it the other day, but I worry about his new life and his meeting others. He came out of long marriage and we had 2 yrs. I believe in 2nd chances. I know I should not contact him and wait for him to. Just wanted to know your story. Thanks.

[tacs1895]

Thanks for the responses. Particularly Grace, this was exactly the kind of thing I was interested in, the extra bits and pieces that are not the main part of the reconciliation but are inevitably connected with it, like friends, families and locations.

 

If anyone else with experience of reconciliation also wants to add how they found these types of things, I'm still interested to hear

[ngu11]

we found it really difficult with our friends and families because unfortunately, they weren't very supportive as the first break up was quite messy. A lot of false information and accusations flew around (from both sides) and this was one of the big problems that we had going forward after getting back together. It's very difficult to change the opinions of people who are not so dearly attached to you and who are by nature opinionated. Felt like the world was against us. the pressure was immense!

 

i hope everything goes well for grace...seems she wont face these problems!