From 4-year relationship to LDR. Need some advice.

[friendly_fairy]

Hello,

 

I've recently had to leave the US, where I was an international student for a long time, because my visa had ended and I was running out of money to pay for my studies. I am now about to continue studying in the UK. Problem is: I've had to leave my boyfriend of four years in the US.

We would do everything together - sleep, eat, watch movies, even work on projects together. Now we have had to turn our relationship into a long-distance relationship and I think I might need some advice on how to deal with it properly.

 

In February, he wasn't quite sure how to handle the long-distance part - I had, however, planned to come back on vacation for a month and a half in May/June.

I just returned from that vacation. My boyfriend is now more enthusiastic about the long-distance idea (hopefully not because I got on his nerves when I was there), and he is definitely of the opinion that our relationship is strong and trusting enough to keep going. Quite frankly, our relationship hasn't changed much over the years - with the exception that he became more caring and understanding and I became more trusting.

 

But despite the fact that things seem to be going so well, I seem to be missing him even more now that I'm back.

Every time I don't see him smile (we talk on Skype every day), it worries me. On top of that, I had gotten on a new contraceptive pill before I traveled out to visit him again and it gave me horrible mood swings and depression, which I had for more than half the time I was there.

So I became really emotional, started demanding firm answers about the future of our relationship and, frankly, started to drag him down as well.

 

My problem has been for the longest time that I think that I need to be the "perfect girlfriend" (whatever that mythical creature might be) whenever I'm with him - despite him telling me that he loves me the way I am. I also start having irrational jealousy issues when I'm around him and can't ever relax because I constantly feel the need to "perform". But whenever I'm by myself in England, that pressure is somehow lifted and I am much more relaxed about these things. On the flip side, I get terribly depressed over being alone and missing him.

 

I don't want to lead him to think that I'm happier by myself. At the same time, I want to create a balance and be happy by myself as well as when I'm physically with him.

 

Any advice on how I can achieve that?

 

Thank you in advance!

[banal]

The worst time is when you start. You'll miss him the most. Eventually, it'll get a lot easier. You're probably just really conflicted. On the one hand, you're excited to be back in the UK, and you don't have the pressure of seeing him as often as you did. Of course the pressure to perform, as you call it, is lifted - you don't see him anymore! But on the other, there's a big void in your life absent him.

 

Here's the million dollar question though: How long are you planning to keep this long distance?

[friendly_fairy]

@banal: I am planning on keeping the long distance for no longer than 2 years. My boyfriend is fine with that. We will of course visit each other at every chance we get and try to take full advantage of holidays, etc. Topics of marriage and him possibly moving to England if his job situation worsens are on the table, but I don't know how likely they are to actually happen.

[tattoobunnie]

I think you are being too hard on yourself. You have every single right to want to now where the relationship is heading. And the fact he isn't clear on things, it would trouble me as well (and greatly!).

 

Do you miss the intimacy of being with someone, or being with him. Considering you're walking on egg-shells around him. I think you may miss being with someone more. You did everything together. It's very hard in the beginning to identify yourself as an individual...with simple things as to how you spend your weekend, leisure, Wednesday afternoons.

 

Those irrational jealousy issues are your internal way of trying to find an escape route, a way to put up a wall, or you can eventually move on. So of course when you do that, everything intensifies. You will cause drama to drive a wedge between you both. And you do that to preserve yourself.

 

You're aiming to create a future together, and putting in the effort in finding a way to make it back, yet he's not building one with you. Or working with you on how it will be like. Helping you make it back.

 

There's a reason why your relationship hasn't changed much over the years...it's because the guy you were with wasn't planning a future with you in it. I mean, if the love of my life was leaving for two years, we'd be getting hitched, or I'd find a way to be with him. My guy can't even stand not seeing me, and we're long distance with future plans to start a family, and taking steps to do so. My buddy is getting married in the Fall with a guy who got deported to Denmark, and they worked together for a year to fight for his Visa.

 

The man you want shouldn't wait regardless of his job situation gets better or gets worse. There would just be a plan.

 

Think of it this way. Missing him, that's normal. You saw each other all the time, so of course you would. There's a reason why you feel lighter. You dropped some dead weight. You're essentially free to go be yourself.

 

I had four opportunities for marriage before, and the thing is, it was also something that I knew I wasn't fully accepted. If the guy loves you, and truly loves you, no matter how irrational or crazy you get, they'll work with you. And you are not being crazy. You want facts, you wants answers, and you want actions taken to show he wants the relationship, and wants to progress things. And the fact that he can't define absolutely anything...I'd be up in arms too.