2.5 Years And I've Started Dreaming About Her All The Time

[Rob1000]

Hi guys,

 

It's been a while since I've posted on here. To cut a long story short, I was with my ex-fiancée for 5 years, broke up suddenly on Valentine's 2009 after we had trust issues, and she "didn't feel the same any more".

 

We've seen each other twice since, and spoken about 100 words in all of that time - both at mutual friends get-togethers. Both times there was definite chemistry between us but I put that down to the fact that we were together for so long. I still think about her quite often, but the hurt has long since past.

 

The thing is, lately I've been dreaming about her an awful lot. It almost feels like she's in the bed next to me when I wake up, like we're still connected, and that I need to reach out to her. She's in another long term relationship and living with her new bf, which is great, and I've no intentions of getting in touch, but these dreams are getting more and more intense, and are holding me back from finding a new relationship of my own. Am I still in love with her? Are there unresolved issues here somewhere? Does anyone else have this problem??

 

Thanks,

Rob

[Mustachio]

Hey Rob, always good to see you around, even when its not under the best of circumstances.

 

To answer your questions as best I can, no, I dont think it means you are still in love with her. I go through periods where my ex is on my mind all the time, and usually in ways where she is just there, almost as if she is still a part of my life. Do I still love her? No. I would be lying however if I said I was completely over things. Of course like you, the pain is long since gone.

 

Are there unresolved issues... probably, but I doubt they are anything major. As far as I personally have come in my healing journey I know there is still that remaining few percent that is going to take the longest to get past. Its like I am 95% healed, but the remaining 5% will just take a long time. Luckily its just 5%, and its really not major and doesnt affect my daily life in the slightest.

 

I wonder if the cause and effect here are backwards. You wonder whether these issues are holding you back from finding a new relationship, but perhaps it may be the fact that you havent found a new serious relationship that is allowing some of these dreams and issues to linger longer than they should. I was told once that for every hurtful memory, the best thing to do is make new memories, new associations. And one of those things was to make new relationship memories. Sure there is a period where its just a horrible idea to try a new relationship, but I think you are far past that point.

[Rob1000]

Hey Mustachio,

 

I was wondering if any of the guys from that time were still on here, or if I'd recognise anyone. It's good to hear from someone who remembers me! Thanks for that. I think you are right. I guess I'm just clinging to the last of the associations and memories, and as you say, I need to make new ones. I've pretty much re-written all the other memories with new ones, but the 'girlfriend' part needs re-writing, and will be as soon as I find someone. I'm in no rush to find someone though, but would definitely like to meet someone with that certain something, just to make me feel that way again.

[Ascending]

I remember your recent posts from before, mainly because your first two paragraphs could fit me identically (cept it wasn't 5 yrs and I wasn't engaged). Gotta admit, I kinda looked to you for a solution, thinking of this guy's got it, then so can I, because it's been like 27 months for the both of us.

 

Yeah, I've had dreams too. Dreams where everything was perfect and it was like we never even broke up, and when I wake up, I was like... damn that was crappy. I finally understood Nelly's Just A Dream song.

 

I think I have some unresolved feelings, and I don't think it'll ever be resolved. Like you, I've only seen my ex twice and exchanged no more than 100 words. that's barely enough to get to the root of the problem between us. I just don't think anything will satisfy me for that kinda closure, not that I need it. Those dreams I dream are only shattered dreams that I relive. Just a way of my brain letting me know what could've been. That's what I think has been eating me up this entire time, losing her was losing what I could have had, that ideal life I built in my mind. I guess somehow my mind still craves that ideal life, though it doesn't have to be with her, but in my dreams, her family and everyone was there too.

[Rob1000]

You've just said what I wanted to say, but perfectly. It's all there, everything I feel, in 1 post. I guess it's the 'what might have been' that keeps me dreaming. I know my ex still loves me, there's no question - not that I'll ever need or look for clarification -but it does hold me back a little too much sometimes, almost to the point where I'm looking for someone to take up where she left off. So there are unresolved feelings and issues I need to let go of.

[GrowingIn]

While it does sound like there are some unresolved issues in yourself, and maybe not entirely over her, I don't think it is abnormal. I think we all have a little something in our hearts for anyone that we have been in relationships with for any significant amount of time.

 

I think the key issue here though is try to identify if something has recently changed in your life that may be causing you to have these dreams on a more regular basis. Are you thinking about her more than usual? If so, why?

 

Also if you have not had a relationship since, you may have not entirely moved on, which is primarily the reason. Honestly you can only get yourself healthy and over someone so much until you need to start a new relationship to really leave it all behind.