CrazyMiner Posted June 8, 2011 Share Posted June 8, 2011 Hi everyone, So by now most of you will have read one or two of my threads. The back story is that I was in an 8 year relationship with my ex and we lived together for 5 of those years. We were first loves, she's 22 and I'm 23, so also met pretty young. She told me she wanted to separate 3 months ago and has been dating someone for about a month and they recently spent a night or two together at a hotel, though I don't think they have seen each other that much as they live a 1 and a half hour drive each way drive from each other. What I'm after here is some open, frank, and unbiased thoughts and advice but without the usual NC stuff being mentioned. I know about NC/LC and have been doing this, I've also been working out and have got a personal trainer plus I'm socialising a hell of a lot more and have joined a few networking groups. I've also recently, and somewhat relucantly, joined eHarmony. So I spoke to my ex about 10 days ago to ask her, in a round-about way, whether she wanted to go out for a date. Probably a bit forward, but it's just the way it came up in conversation... basically she called and we chatted about irrelevant stuff and then she told me that she had started dating again so that I heard it from her and not some random facebook comment or friends saying something. I then joked that "if she was ever short of a date, she knew where I was". This then started off a conversation about what she had said multiple times towards the start of the separation and up to about a month and a half ago, where she would say that "after the dust had settled, in x amount of months, perhaps we could look at a re-run" though of course with no guarantees, and rightly so. So I pulled her up on this and basically asked if she ever thought we would be able to date again. She said that she felt there was a bit too much water under the bridge with our long history and that when she had decided to separate she was hopeful in herself that we would get back together but that so far her feelings hadn't changed. She then said she was trying not to deal with her emotions so that she could function at work etc (she is a Doctor) and so had basically asked all her family and friends not to mention anything about the last 8 years. She also said that she wasn't sure whether we could even be friends, which did hurt a bit, and we left it at that. But, she also said that she wasn't writing ANYTHING off, but not to wait around for her etc. However, over the past few days, she has been in contact a bit, inviting me by email to listen to her music playlists, texting me to say that she had changed her password on something and what the new password was so that I could still have access to it, and also wanting to come to the house (which we brought together about 9 months ago, 6 months before the separation) so that she could take one of the games consoles... we have 2, and for some reason is concerned with a £150 ($200) games console that is probably at least 2 years old. She also sent me an invite to listen to a specific song on her playlist and just put an 'x' at the bottom of the email. The song is called 'Love You More' by The Pierces. The lyrics are below, I've not posted all of them as the song tends to repeat itself a lot: I find, you never seem to notice Or did we miscommunicate Oh and all the things they showed us They knocked you out but on your face See how the others do it They're intertwined but they're still free Oh but you don't want to hear it What's it to do with you and me How can I love you more Tell me how can I love you more What now are we moving faster Or do we need to slow this down Your mind is what you want to master And then you think to come around But what about me Well tell me what can I love most Sometimes it feels like I'm losing Step off the heart that's on the floor The lyrics cover a lot of the issues we had towards the end of the relationship, such as miscommunication, the line which goes "See how the others do it, They're intertwined but they're still free" I take to mean that other people in relationships are able to be together but also enjoy separate activities, as during the relationship I let my social circle slide until it was almost non-existant and so was relying on her for my enjoyment etc which she had a fairly big problem with and was always trying to encourage me to get back into socialising with others. The line which goes "Your mind is what you want to master" I take to mean that she wanted me to work on things like jealousy and just my general happiness (again, she had a problem with the fact that I had let my social circle slide and this was a problem for her). Obviously there is not much point reading too much into song lyrics but she did send it to me and has previously sent me song lyrics and links to songs when we were still together to say how she was feeling or how much she loved me etc. So anyway, there does appear to be a slight increase in the level of interaction between us, so perhaps she is feeling bad about some of the things she said recently like not being sure that we could remain friends or try dating again. She is coming to the house in a weeks time to get this games console and to be honest, once she takes it, even though we have a house together the other rooms are rented out (I'm still living here) and so the need for us to interact as anything other than friends (if she does indeed want this) will be minimal. This is what my mind and heart is currently telling me to do: When she comes to the house, I walk up to her and go for a kiss. I haven't thought it through fully, perhaps I walk up to her and say "I'm going to kiss you now" and see what the reaction is or something along those lines. We always hug when we see each other, perhaps I hug her, and as we pull away I take her hands, look into her eyes, and go in for a kiss. I'm not sure. I'm worried that it seems very 'filmy' if you know what I mean. Also, I'm worried that she might react angrily if she isn't up for it, or might simply push me away when I take her hands. Is this a good idea? It sounds so romantic to me, I sort of see it as the 'last chance corral' seeing as I expect communication to potentially drop off when she has taken this last thing from the house and am also worried that she may get over me faster now that she has been with this other guy for a month. Romantic, or just wrong? Link to comment
Eocsor Posted June 8, 2011 Share Posted June 8, 2011 Just wrong f you ask me. You guys are broken up and shes moving on. It won't help and looks kinda desperate. Also how do you know she spent time in a hotel with the guy??? Link to comment
CrazyMiner Posted June 8, 2011 Author Share Posted June 8, 2011 Just wrong f you ask me. You guys are broken up and shes moving on. It won't help and looks kinda desperate. Also how do you know she spent time in a hotel with the guy??? My mum saw her there and told me, she was helping out arranging things for a wedding. I thought I had put that in the first post. Don't worry, I'm not a stalker! I mentioned that mum had seen her at the hotel and the ex told me that she had been there. It wasn't a problem, we are fairly open together even after the separation. Link to comment
Eocsor Posted June 8, 2011 Share Posted June 8, 2011 I don't think you can do anything to win this one my friend. I feel for you but if shes sleeping with someone else it's best to move on for your own mental well being. Anything you try will just look desperate and pathetic. Link to comment
CrazyMiner Posted June 8, 2011 Author Share Posted June 8, 2011 I don't think you can do anything to win this one my friend. I feel for you but if shes sleeping with someone else it's best to move on for your own mental well being. Anything you try will just look desperate and pathetic. I get where you're coming from, but I suppose it's a case of what else do I have to lose? I've already lost her, does it matter if I look anymore desperate or pathetic? But I do get what you're saying about maintaining a bit of dignity etc. Link to comment
Andre12 Posted June 8, 2011 Share Posted June 8, 2011 Just be cool, relax. If she is round for a bit have a laugh but just dont talk about anything emotional or her new guy or anything. Keep it light and brief. Tell her you have to go out in 30 mins once she arrives then go out. You may have lost her or she may just need to see that you are getting your act together socially and that you have your head right. After that leave it and see if she contacts you. Nothing to loose and your pride will feel much better and positive and will leave a stronger impression. Link to comment
John Doe 22 Posted June 8, 2011 Share Posted June 8, 2011 Truthfully, I would pack up the console and make sure I am gone and let a roommate give to her. Planning out a kiss? Why take that risk, sure she may enjoy it, but chances are you will come off as pushy and just push her further away. Let things come natural and be patient. I know the feeling you are having, you are excited to see her and its almost like a high, you feel so good and confident like nothing can go wrong because you will have that relief just being around her. Again, see if you can just leave the console with a roommate for her to pick up and don't be so available. Link to comment
WeightOffChest Posted June 8, 2011 Share Posted June 8, 2011 I'm basing this on the assumption you want to get back with her. You've been with her for 8 years. So obviously, you're a huge part of her life. However, since she's seeing some new guy (a rebound for sure), she is trying to explore new opportunities. You can't compete with that novelty. No matter how well you know her, you're not going to beat out this new guy in terms of excitement and newfound attractiveness. However, as an ex, you do have an advantage. You are her type. She obviously still likes you as a friend. She has this connection with you that developed over the past few years. This connection is something the new guy can't duplicate. Once that excitement and novelty wears off, she'll realize that he is not going to be her type. Sure, she may change types and give the guy a chance, but for the most part, her type was developed around experiences with you. So, after the honeymoon is over, it'll be a realization that she misses you. Now here's the rub. She will not be able to miss you if you're still in the picture. If you're still friends and constantly communicating with her, she'll be able to have that connection with you still, while being attracted to this new guy. Eventually, she'll be able to transfer the special connection she has with you to the other guy. In effect, you're picking up the slack of being the boyfriend by being there for her. The rebound gets all the fun of the sex, the smiley face texting, the kissy face pictures, and excitement because you'll have taken the emotional burden off his hands. Removing yourself from the picture will cause her to try and recreate that bond with the new guy. It will be very clear to her soon enough that he can't do what you did. She can either accept that and persevere with the new guy, but chances are, she'll probably miss you because she's been repressing her grief of the breakup with this rebound. It's strange, but being her friend still will encourage the relationship with the rebound. Doing the cold-hearted thing of cutting her off will probably get her to come back to you. If I were you, I'd kindly suggest a time to talk to her. Tell her that you will always treasure the memories and the friendship, but it wouldn't be fair to you if you're talking to her while she's seeing someone new. Make it clear so she understands you're not doing this to get her back, and you're planning on moving on. Then, do NC and move on. Become someone better and more impressive. She'll see you again as this new, yet familiar, person. I'm in the same boat right now right there with you, and I think the rebound relationship may be dwindling. Here's to hoping for the best. Link to comment
Eocsor Posted June 8, 2011 Share Posted June 8, 2011 However, as an ex, you do have an advantage. You are her type. She obviously still likes you as a friend. She has this connection with you that developed over the past few years. This connection is something the new guy can't duplicate. Once that excitement and novelty wears off, she'll realize that he is not going to be her type. Sure, she may change types and give the guy a chance, but for the most part, her type was developed around experiences with you. So, after the honeymoon is over, it'll be a realization that she misses you. Do not count on this. After the rebound is over the vast majority do not come back. They may take some time off dating or simply move on to the next one. Time together is not a predictor of whether they will want you back. Most won't because they've seen things don't work with you. Work on yourself without the hope of reconcilliation. The future is unknowable but if you've done the work, and put yourself in a healthy frame of mind, no matter what happens you'll be OK. Link to comment
WeightOffChest Posted June 8, 2011 Share Posted June 8, 2011 Well, that is definitely true. There are no ways to ensure anything like that in life. Doing NC with the idea that you'll get her back is delusional. You have to do it for the right reasons. I read a post by WildChild that often gives me the proper motivation for NC. While I try to align my motivations to be for the right reasons, I firmly stick by my belief about removing yourself from the picture as the best possible opportunity to get her back. Just based on what I've seen and experienced so far, doing so will help you clear the air whereas sticking around (as comforting as it is to have the girl you love still be your friend) will often allow them to freely move away from you. Link to comment
CrazyMiner Posted June 9, 2011 Author Share Posted June 9, 2011 Ok, I must admit I agree with you all, I was having a bit of a low moment and this 'sure to work' plan popped into my head. What do you lot think about me just sending her an email to see whether she fancies going out for a bite to eat? She is coming to the house a week today to collect these bits and has asked me to look for some revision papers that I have from years ago so that she can give them to her brother to work from. As she is coming next Thursday do you think there is any harm in me simply emailing her to say that I've packed up the games console that she wants and have now found the revision notes and then asking if she wants to go out for something to eat on either Friday or Saturday, or if she is busy another day? (She is a Doctor and I don't know her shift schedule at the moment so I'm sort of guessing her availability, but also leaving it open if she can't make Fri or Sat). Worth doing? I think it leaves things open to her availability, isn't too pushy (I'm not exactly asking for a date here, just a bite to eat), doesn't put her on the spot to answer which would be the case if I called her, and if she says no to an open invitation then at least I will be pretty sure of where her head is, especially after she has started to communicate a bit by sending me songs etc. I don't want to be appearing to step on anyone's toes, especially as she has started dating this new guy (though it doesn't come accross as that serious), but also don't want to leave things so that she is able to heal when she does have mixed feelings with the support and novelty of a new sexual partner (which is what it basically is, they live 1.5 hours each way from each other so don't see each other that much). Link to comment
CrazyMiner Posted June 9, 2011 Author Share Posted June 9, 2011 Any further thoughts? I'd like to sort of plan what I'm going to do, or indeed not do, as the last thing I would want is to have to make some sort of knee-jerk reaction at the last minute as I am unprepared. I'm a strategist at heart, but unfortunately so is she! I just had a call from her asking what the make of mattress is on our bed as it is the best that she has ever slept on. She's moving into an unfurnished house with 3 of her friends in about a week and wants to get the same sort of one. Seems a bit of a petty thing to call about, called me 'hun' at the end of the call etc. I hate those bread crumbs... I've come up with a bit of a saying for myself; "Ignore the bread crumbs but watch out for the slices of bread". I must admit though, I'm not the best at following my own saying at the moment! I then stupidly looked up the mattress at a store near her and found it was on sale, so I gave her a call and let her know that she could have in within 10 days if she moved quickly. Apparently she was on the same website for the company as me at the time, we had a bit of a quick "that's freaky" chat and then she said that she wasn't sure that she could afford the mattress as she had to furnish the rest of the house and was a bit short of money at the moment. I felt a bit sorry for her (but didn't say so), and basically said "happy bed hunting" and said goodbye. Although I feel sorry for her, it was her decision to separate and leave the 4 bedroom house that we had only brought together 6 months earlier and had paid to furnish, so in a way my 'sorry' feeling is a bit mixed. Perhaps a slight sign of moving on, who knows. Link to comment
CrazyMiner Posted June 10, 2011 Author Share Posted June 10, 2011 Come on guys, I could really do with some advice here... 250 views and only 11 replies, of which probably half are from me? What's my game? Do I invite her out for a meal leaving it open, putting the ball in her court etc, or do I just do nothing right now and let her see how things are when she doesn't need to come to the house anymore? When she has taken this last games console and the revision notes for her brother to be honest there will be no need for her to come to the house or even really contact me... at least I could use the fact that I've found the games console and revision notes as a way of either emailing her or leaving a note when she comes to the house? Or do I leave it x amount of months and see how she is then? She's going on a family holiday in a month's time to somewhere that I always went too and so it will be the first time in many years that I'm not there... potentially that will draw back some memories... she did say a week or two ago that she needs to be able to get to the point where she remembers the good memories of the relationship first rather than the bad as it is still a bit raw for her. No idea! Link to comment
WeightOffChest Posted June 10, 2011 Share Posted June 10, 2011 Do nothing. That'll be the hardest part. Look at how anxious you are right now. Your posts reflect a sense of urgency that's only going on in YOUR mind. Looking for advice on a situation that YOU'VE created in your head and giving it a sense of importance. Listen, we've all been there before. Look at any of the posters in this forum, and look for their first few threads. They're all as urgent and hectic and lost as you are now. I'm guilty of this as well, as emotions makes the simplest situations complicated. It turns out though, most of these urgent situations are self-created for our own stress. We daydream and hope and imagine all these possible scenarios with our exes, hoping to perfect that phrase, conversation, or even gesture that will make them behave exactly how we want them to. Well, part of the breakup is learning that you no longer have that same kind of influence on your ex as you once did, and that part is hard to cope with. Now, the task at hand is learning to cope without the behavior of our ex's in our relationships and learn to accept this new person's actions. Doing nothing and being nonchalant about it is the best way to learn this. There's one piece of advice I can tell you for sure: If you don't do anything, you won't screw anything up. Link to comment
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