Time To Give Up?

[PharaohSteve]

To understand where I'm coming from now I feel it's important you understand where we've been, so forgive me if this turns into a novel.

 

My wife and I just "celebrated" our 1 year anniversary on May 9th of this year. We married a little younger than most. I was 22 and she was 19, we were good friends during highschool, I always had a crush on her and she never gave me the time of day to try and move to a romantic level. Years passed after highschool and I hadn't seen her in forever, I called her up one day and we hung out and we've been together ever since.

 

I know my wife is my soul-mate. We don't finish each other's sentences or even agree on music in the car, but we were crafted to be together. We've both come from similar backgrounds, and have run into a lot of the same personal issues in our life, during the early months of our relationship we both were major sources of support for one another as we each had a major issue to work through.

 

Of course we argued, what normal couple doesn't? But lately everything in my world has turned upside down.

 

I was unfaithful to my wife, not through anything physical, but the things I said to other females, the lies I told her, and the emotional abuse I've put her through were no better than screwing a hooker.

 

This went on for two years, 1 prior to our marriage and the year leading up to this point. Every time she would call me out on it I'd lie, apologize, or just tell half the story. In March of this year my wife left me without a trace or explanation because of everything I had put her through. I had to take off multiple days from work because I was in shock that this was happening to me with such abruptness but the signs had been there and I was just to selfish to realize I had hurt her this bad.

 

She eventually came back but it we've only been getting worse IMO since then. the day she came back I had a letter written out explaining my actions and owning up to everything I had done, and pouring my heart out about how much I really needed her and cared about her.

 

Since then my wife has changed 180 degrees. When we got together we were both homebodies. We'd go to movies ourselves and out to eat occasionally but like I said prior the first night we spent apart was on the eve of our wedding. My wife now goes to clubs, stays out with friends past 2 in the morning, and has even spent nights away from me just for the hell of it. I have infinite trust in my wife that she's not up to anything vindictive, but what hurts is knowing actions I did have caused this large of a change in her.

 

It's healthy to spend time apart but it's gotten to the point where I see my dogs more than I see my wife. On weekends my wife will leave for the pool with friends around 4 and I won't see her again until 11, during this time I might get a reply to 1 text message and I'm lucky if she picks up when I call.

 

I've tried everything I can to make this work, since March I've been honest about everything, and have done everything I can to make her want to be around me but I just don't know what to do now that nothing is working. In her actions and the way she talks to me I can tell she doesn't feel the same way anymore despite what she's saying.

[hexaemeron]

Sounds like she just decided to be happy in her own life whether you were there or not. The things you did can't be forgiven overnight. It's going to take time. You want her to be around more so you can feel like you've been forgiven. Do you think you deserve forgiveness?

[Lester]

Welcome Steve, I don't like what I'm hearing. Sounds like you're behavior and her youth shut you out of her life.

Combination of inexperience and green grass thinking has her thinking she missed something.

 

She has a problem.

You

 

You may have to let her go.

[PharaohSteve]

I do believe I deserve forgiveness. There were a lot of factors that played into what I did, would it ever make it acceptable? No, but I feel that we both made a choice to be married through thick and thin, problems or not if we truly care about each other we should put the effort in to make it work.

 

I know my problem is her, but I don't know if she's ever going to give me the chance to show I'm not that same guy anymore. Right now we're coasting along but I see rapids ahead.

[iBroken]

I do believe I deserve forgiveness. There were a lot of factors that played into what I did, would it ever make it acceptable? No, but I feel that we both made a choice to be married through thick and thin, problems or not if we truly care about each other we should put the effort in to make it work.

 

Why must she understand this logic of yours when through thick and thin you stepped outside of your marriage?

 

I have been cheated on and you have shattered her world apart. Anything she has believed or known has been a farce. She is questioning all the time and all that has passed. She might feel that being the housewife got her no where but cheated on so shes making up for lost time.

 

Perhaps shes just testing the waters to see if she enjoys her life without you.........

[PharaohSteve]

I didn't step outside the marriage. I emotionally cheated.

[iBroken]

I didn't step outside the marriage. I emotionally cheated.

 

okay? Thats stepping outside of your marriage

[PharaohSteve]

I don't believe so, not that it's anymore acceptable, but compared to full blown affairs other guys I have feel what I did can be forgiven.

[TakingtheBlame]

I don't believe so, not that it's anymore acceptable, but compared to full blown affairs other guys I have feel what I did can be forgiven.

 

IMO there is a thin line between emotional cheating and physical cheating. Not to mention if you felt the need to emotionally cheat after 1 year of marriage (which should be the honeymoon phase for a young, attractive married couple) I dread to think what you'd be capable of when years have passed, looks start to fade, and the marriage is no longer shiny and fresh. Not saying this was solely your "fault" but obviously your coping mechanisms for whatever she was doing to "cause" your behavior are not those of someone ready for the pressures of marriage.

 

First of all, it's not up to you to decide what's forgivable for her and what's not. That's up to her. And second of all, frankly I think you're both too young and arguably immature to be married right now. I know my first reaction when I've been betrayed by a significant other is not to go running off to the club with my friends all night long, for instance. I know it might be difficult but I really don't see this marriage ending well. You can give marriage counseling a try and try to work through things, but it just seems to early in the marriage for this kind of drama to be ensuing. Years down the road you may find yourself ten years older, feeling trapped in a dysfunctional relationship, and resenting yourself and her....

[Gerda]

You're going to need to specify what you mean by "emotional cheating," because something is very wrong with you if you think having sex with a prostitute is no worse than lying or flirting with women. Are you not aware of STDS? As bad as "emotional cheating" can be, it's not the same as actual sexual infidelity, if only because of the health risks you expose your spouse to.

 

I think it's too little too late for you. I think your wife is only married to you technically now, possibly because she just doesn't have the gumption to leave you for good. You were terrible to her, she feels she is under no obligation to you any more. You can't possibly think that just apologizing a couple months ago and writing some apologetic letter is going to make up for actions that you equate with sleeping with a hooker. Be serious.

 

She's probably open to cheating on you if she isn't already. She probably has very little guilt about it, too. If what you did really is as bad as sleeping with a hooker, you are getting no less than you deserve.

 

Also, there is a big fat line between emotional cheating and physical infidelity, for the reasons I listed above as well as others. It's a big, fat honking line and anybody who says differently is smoking something. There are incurable STDs that you can contract and transmit to your spouse even if you use a condom. Herpes and HPV (which can lead to cervical cancer) are no joke.

[TakingtheBlame]

There is a thin line because one can so easily lead to the other. The intention that leads one to flirt with other women and lie about it can often be the same intention as that which leads a man to sleep with a prostitute. Not always, but it's a slippery slope.

[Chicklet]

Emotional affairs can be very dangerous. Anyone can go out and pick up a hoochie (male or female) and have sex with them, but emotional affairs ALWAYS start with a friendship of sorts, before the sex even starts, that friendship can go on for months, bonding the two people even further, which, in my opinion, is VERY different. I'm not saying that I agree with either type of affair. They are all wrong.

 

 

 

I don't agree with the way she is behaving. If she is going to forgive you, then she's going about it all the wrong way. When two people truly love eachother, they will go through hell and high water to make it happen. But, with that being said, they wouldn't be having emotional affairs either.

 

Personally, it sounds to me like she doesn't want anything to do with you anymore. But if that's the case.....I wonder what's stopping her from divorcing you? You're just gonna have to tell her that if she wants to run the roads, she's gonna have to do it as a divorced woman. Yeah, normally you wouldn't be in the position to do this, however, she's acting a fool right now......not you.

 

My question is this......How did she find out? You never said. Did you tell her or did she find out on her own???

[PharaohSteve]

Hi everybody!

 

I actually only found this post because I Googled my username to see if anyone had done anything weird with it. There's a little more to this story that I initially left out.

 

At the time all this was going on I was an Operations Manager with UPS, working long 12+ hour days and crashing on the weekend. I noticed that there was some distance between us, her not wanting to have sex etc so I started getting my kicks by chatting with other girls who were giving me attention (selfish). A little before making this OP out of guilt I let her know that because of how she was treating me that I had started entertaining other girls...you know the rest from my OP.

 

A couple of weeks after this post a mutual friend told me to login into their Facebook account. What I found out was that my spouse had been dating someone behind me back for months. All of her friends knew about it, but none of them had the guts to tell me.

 

We just got married too early..

[Ms Darcy]

So are you guys divorced now?

[Lester]

Steve, nice to hear from you again.

It seems she felt the same way, about the union.

 

What do you want to do?