Over 5 weeks gone and I'm so confused!

[rkw]

I still find I miss my ex and lately I keep reminiscing about our relationship before it fell to pieces, how we talked about children and were planning a life together.

 

To make things worse, he tried to contact a friend of mine over Facebook instant messaging last night. She didn't reply to his "Hey how are you's?" but I figure it's for one of two reasons.

 

a) He wants to know how I'm doing without breaching my NC rule

b) He fancies her (I suspected he did through our relationship, she's a model afterall).

 

He has no other reason to contact her, since he only met her briefly once or twice. I know my friend wouldn't do anything if it was option b, and I'm grateful she was honest and didn't enter a conversation with him. But I feel so confused. I miss him yet and I'm really angry at him. I thought it would somehow be less confusing at 5 weeks. I just wish I could get over him!

[dramallama]

Even if it's either of those reasons, you're better off ignoring it like it didn't happen. If you suspect that he fancies her, then you're better off without him. Thank your friend for being so loyal. I hope you've deleted him from facebook and changed your privacy settings.

[TheDoctor]

Listen to Dramallama,

 

she knows what she's talking about. The best way to move on is to COMPLETELY not read into anything. I know its super tempting, and we seek approval and reconciliation with our ex's even if we want to move on. But the best thing to do is to focus on you, allow time to heal your wounds, I'm almost 2 months in myself and wether i like it or not I'm healing rapdily thanks to the help of friends, and members on ENA like drama.

 

Also, the hope and excitement of something happening between you and your ex someday as far as closure or talking might help you move on. The key is, where do you want to be when this happens when that day comes? Do you want to be known as the person that couldn't move on? The sad sap that had to figure things out or the person who was resilient and knocked life out of the ball park?

 

I know which path I chose, even though I have my moments.

[rkw]

Thanks so much for the speedy replies.

 

DramaLlama, he's been off my Facebook for weeks now and my privacy settings are as strict as I can get them! It's helped so much, but of course I didn't ever expect he'd be reaching out to my friends. I feel like every time I start to move forward, he finds some crack in my life to sneak in through and it sets me back again.

 

TheDoctor: I'm the queen for over-analysing and reading into EVERYTHING! I have anxiety and a few related disorders, and I easily obsess about the smallest thing. Like "why did he apparently cut back on aquantainces on Facebook but leave my friend?". I'm trying so hard to be a better person, so when we inevitably meet up in the future I can confidently say that my life is great. I got a new job today and I'm enrolling into a 6 month course for next semester. I see my friends regularly and check on here every few days to re-read the NC guide and find support. I try everyday to make decisions that will take me forwards. I've definitely chosen to take the higher path (it took all my strength to not look back), but I suppose I sometimes feel that tug back to him.

 

This is my first long-term relationship breakup and I really had no clue what I was in for. I thought it would be pretty easy, as long as I abided by NC and found positive ways to spend my time. I thought everyday would be better than the last etc etc. I had no idea that it's much more complicated, with stops and starts. I can't wait for that day to come where I hear his name and honestly don't really care what he's up to. I really don't know how I would cope if it wasn't for ENA. I'd probably would have taken him back, and allowed him to trample all over my heart again.

 

Thanks so much, x1000000. You guys are like the little ray of sanity and light I need during the bad days.

[RecentlyAlone]

This is my first long-term relationship breakup and I really had no clue what I was in for. I thought it would be pretty easy, as long as I abided by NC and found positive ways to spend my time. I thought everyday would be better than the last etc etc. I had no idea that it's much more complicated, with stops and starts. I can't wait for that day to come where I hear his name and honestly don't really care what he's up to. I really don't know how I would cope if it wasn't for ENA. I'd probably would have taken him back, and allowed him to trample all over my heart again

 

I'm with ya, although I never thought itd be easier It really is a rollercoaster of ups and downs even if you are doing everything that you should be doing. My heart goes out to you!

[rollingalong]

Thanks so much for the speedy replies.

 

 

This is my first long-term relationship breakup and I really had no clue what I was in for. I thought it would be pretty easy, as long as I abided by NC and found positive ways to spend my time. I thought everyday would be better than the last etc etc. I had no idea that it's much more complicated, with stops and starts. .

 

Same here. I feel like I'm getting better, and then it all hits me again. I guess like everything else, it all takes time. It's just so hard to look back and see how you could get so close to someone and then have to completely cut them off in order to stay sane. I do the over analyzing too. I can't stop thinking. It is really hard to focus on other things, but I realize I need to get more involved in other things and focus on myself. I am able to see things better now. I was the one to break it off because I felt like I needed space since this was my first relationship. I needed the space because that's what I was used to, and understandibly, I think he took it more personal as if I didn't want him around. I was so unsure about how to go about the whole relationship thing. I was very honest with him, probably too honest and in the process I think I said things that hurt his feelings without meaning to do so. It sucks because I want to talk to him now more than ever. I want to COMMUNICATE, which was something I was not doing the way I should've. I want to tell him I get it. That it was bad timing. I know he knew that I couldn't do this right now. He knew that I didn't know what I wanted, I just wish I didn't hurt him in the process. Not even sure if he's even hurting anymore by the way he was acting, but dang has it hurt me a lot more than I thought it would. Love sucks!

[rkw]

I'm with ya, although I never thought itd be easier It really is a rollercoaster of ups and downs even if you are doing everything that you should be doing. My heart goes out to you!

 

Easy probably was the wrong word. I guess I thought it wouldn't be so hard if I followed everything properly. Wishful thinking I guess! I think if someone told me back then "in 5 weeks you will still miss him" I might have given up, so maybe being ignorant was for the best.

 

Rollingalong, I hope your ex is able to hear you and forgive you, if it's meant to be. I wish you all the best

[Lavender25]

Reading this really helped me. I'm feeling really low as it is my birthday and all of the plans I had for today were with my ex. We've been broken up for 2 weeks now with some LC from both sides. We were dating for 4 months and he ended it OUT OF THE BLUE (I know everyone says this and it's usually not the case, but I am DEAD serious. It was like night and day) because he didn't know if he felt a spark or connection and just felt like something was missing.

 

I don't believe him of course. You don't drag something on for that long if there aren't deeper feelings there and the way he was crying and the words he used "I'm going to miss you and miss being in a relationship with you" and "I know I will regret this for a long time" tell me that something deeper is going on here. He is 28, like you, just moved to American from the UK about a year ago and is staying with family. He has casually dated, but I am his first serious girlfriend. I know he is unhappy with his job and isn't sure where he is going with his life. When he told me he didn't know if he saw a future with us I told him that I see why he couldn't... because he doesn't see a future for himself. He said he didn't want to make me wait or string me a long or go on a break because it wasn't fair but he just needed some time/space/etc.

 

I guess what I'm trying to say is that I've been trying to understand what could have happened here for the last two weeks. I know he misses me. I know he thinks about me every day. I can tell by the way he acted that night that he doesn't REALLY know what he wants. But I guess you gave me hope that maybe it was something like this. And maybe, one day, it can be good again.

 

Thanks.

[rollingalong]

Glad it helped someone. Happy Belated Birthday! How did he end it? Like did he just disappear? When I did it, I was just like "I need to cut this off". I'm not in it. I feel like I can't be there the way you want me to be and that's not fair to you. yada yada. I feel like such a moron now. He was such a good guy, but I felt like I was back and forth so much, that I had to. THe annoying thing is that I went back two weeks later and just started balling telling him I wanted to try again, knowing deep down that I didn't know what I wanted. I really need to date other people, and the whole time I was with him, especially as we started getting closer, I realized I was going to have to cut it off sooner or later. So when I went back, he had written me an email and he pretty much told me there that he couldn't do it anymore. That I would do this again in another month or so. Over text he pretty much told me he didn't want a relationship anymore and when I told him that it felt like he didn't care anymore, he told me he didn't. That was it. That response hit me hard and I realized I had to leave him alone. I'm being told to leave him alone and that when he snaps out of it, he'll contact me, but then I'm also being told that I need to contact him every once in a while so that he knows I still care. I don't see how that is going to help as he seemed really annoyed with me that last time. I guess it's understandible, but there has been so much miscommunication, that I really don't know what is going on. I don't know how to deal with relationships/break ups. This is my first time at this and I am so lost, but I did learn a lot from it and I'm sure I'll learn more in the future.

 

I think that was my problem too. There were a lot of feelings there. We both told eachother we loved eachother. He knew I cared a lot and the crying probably proved that too him. He knew I was confused and he always mentioned that it seemed like bad timing and that he wished that we would've met when I knew what I wanted. It sucks because I see more now that he wanted ME, and I was so selfish. Guess you have to be though. I don't know what I want, and he probably doesn't either. I am also trying to figure out my life, and I felt like I couldn't do that when my ex wanted me to be there all the time. I have such long days at work and then sitting in traffic and he didn't have a job because he was laid off. That just made me feel like I had so much more pressure to be there for someone, when I barely had time for myself. When it's your first relationship it can be a little overwhelming trying to figure out what you're feeling/doing and trying to be there emotionally and physically for someone else. I was really selfish and I told him this later. He had to understand that I had been on my own for 28 years, and of course it wasn't going to be so easy not to be.

 

I figure my ex feels the same way since he saw me crying. He told me he knew that I cared and then comes back and throws the "I don't care" in my face. I guess it's all a game now for him.

[Lavender25]

How did he end it?

 

I started to type it and it got pretty long. Don't want to hijack the thread, so I'll PM you.