She wants to go to medical school -- causing problems

[GettingBetter]

Everything was perfect between my girlfriend and I. We have so much in common, and we had never gotten into any sort of argument, or even disagreement really, for the six months we were dating... until this.

 

The problem is, we seem to be at different stages in life. She is 30, has her Masters degree, and is in the process of applying for medical school. I'm 23, with a good career as an engineer. I have no desire to strive for anything more.

 

I knew from the beginning that going to medical school was important to her. As most of you probably know, when one goes to medical school, one typically has little-to-no say as to where they go. There is the possibility she will end up going to school near where I live (already we're several hours apart), but that possibility is slim.

 

Practically, she's looking at four years of school plus three years of residency, which means she won't actually be a doctor until she's 38. So, she'll have to start a family while in medical school / residency. I know this happens, but in my humble opinion, it doesn't sound fair to the children, nor the least bit fun. Moreover, she's looking at roughly $150,000 in debt -- maybe more. As having a family is important to her, she told me she wants to work part-time as a doctor while she raises her future children -- that, too, doesn't seem practical to me.

 

I believe it would be most practical if she took what education she has now and just went to work -- as she is indeed very qualified for a variety of jobs. Moreover, this means that we could be together, as most of the jobs in her field would be in the same city I live in. Still, I have always supported her in her endeavor to apply to medical school, because I know it's important to her, and I know that if she gave up her dream for me, she might well end up resenting me for that.

 

I know that her dad agrees with me, and she feels exceptionally hurt because I was "the only person who really supported her" (even though I never truly did). After talking about this, and seeing how important it really is to her, I want to be able to stand by her and support her, but she wants nothing to do with me unless I'm willing to unconditionally support her. Since talking about this, she hasn't been returning any of my phone calls.

 

Please help me to figure out what to do... Is there any way to salvage our relationship? Or, is it fundamentally doomed? I don't think I've done anything wrong, but if any of you see areas I can improve, please let me know!

 

Thanks!

[sweetpeaswuv]

It's possible that maybe you're finding that you aren't meant to be together? If that's what she truly wants and you truly want something totally different, the only way to work it out, is to go separate ways or find a happy medium. It sounds more like you're trying to make something happen, that doesn't seem very likely, unless she is fully agreeing to it. Maybe take a break and then see where the roads lead you in the future. What' meant to be will find its way!

[GettingBetter]

Thanks for your advice, ayyybeee. You may be right. It just makes me really sad, because things were so perfect with this girl for the first six months of our relationship. I was so happy... With previous girls, there had always been some sort of major difference between our personalities, or we would get into arguments or something... With her, I really felt like I had met my soul mate... *sigh*

[sweetpeaswuv]

I felt that way with almost every guy i've ever dated, which is like 5, so i feel your pain, times five .. haha.

[hexaemeron]

Maybe I'm missing something, but if you've known from the very beginning that this was on the table, can I ask why it's causing problems now?

[rocio]

Being in a relationship isn't about sucking the life out of your partner. She has passion. If you can't handle that, leave her alone to succeed on her own terms.

 

I would never try to set limits for what my partner would achieve. To me, that just defeats the purpose of the relationship.

[hexaemeron]

Being in a relationship isn't about sucking the life out of your partner. She has passion. If you can't handle that, leave her alone to succeed on her own terms.

 

I would never try to set limits for what my partner would achieve. To me, that just defeats the purpose of the relationship.

 

I don't think he specifically is trying to do that, but a lot of people do end up being energy vampires, draining their partners of vitality in the name of validation and "support".

[eternalsunrise]

It might be meant be to go separate ways. I know how much it hurts.

 

I was in a relationship with a guy I thought was my one soulmate. We were together for 2.5 years. He was a neuro resident. I was always supportive of him and his goals. We eventually broke up because of his need to pursue his goal without a relationship. He had 2 fellowships he was desperately trying to get into that would make or break his career. He couldn't handle managing a relationship or friendship with me. (Come to find out, he was also screwing around behind my back with another girl. Sigh. Stress makes people do all kinds of things that are out of character--his excuse).

 

When he finally got accepted 2 years after our breakup, he thanked me for being supportive. He said he was never able to get into a relationship with anyone because of me. Yet there was nothing to be salvaged. That relationship really ripped my heart out. But I learned that despite how much we care sometimes it's just not meant to be because the other person is not making the relationship a priority/does not feel the same way.

[gingerlemon]

I get the impression that the two of you have quite different orientations in terms of how you approach life, and that might be a significant compatibility issue in the long run. Six months is still infatuation stage, and I think it's now that you are starting to discover different and more diverging sides of each other.

[TakingtheBlame]

When I went to law school and my boyfriend of one and a half years began trying to convince me that following my passion was pompous and unnecessary, my priorities were clear. I left him without a thought and never looked back. I felt it was quite obvious that we didn't share the same goals.

 

If you can't support your girlfriend's passions and life goals, then you are not the right man for her. You haven't been together long enough to try and dissuade her from following a huge goal like higher education. If things don't work out between you in another year or two, she will not have you OR the education that was so important to her...and she'll end up done with school by 40 instead of 38.

 

The posters who have suggested you are incompatible are right. Perhaps you should move on to someone who shares your views and priorities.

[GettingBetter]

I always supported her. I knew how much this meant to her, and I knew that if she gave up her dream for me, that she would end up resenting me. I did question the practicality, but for her benefit. Her dad has done the same. I didn't want her to go away for med school, but only because I really liked her, and I was unwilling to leave my career for the same reasons you guys and gals have mentioned. The irony is that the day after she ended things and stopped talking to me, I found out that work may be willing to let me work from anywhere, so long as I have internet access. At that, I was actually excited about living someplace new while she went to school. This is when I realized I was being selfish, so I tried to contact her to apologize and tell her the good news. But, she didn't answer my call, and instead sent me a text asking me to stop contacting her... Is there anything I can do at this point? Do you think we will talk again, in time? Or, is that it? Is it really over?