The GUN in my back

[Heathcliff]

My wife is pregnant. I allowed her to manipulate me into having sex so she could get pregnant. It's pushed me to seek some counseling finally.

Prior to her getting pregnant, we were having a hard time communicating effecitvely. Essentially, I was unable to come to her with any kind of problem because she would blow up and threaten to leave me or throw me out. So, I just kept my unhappiness to myself. This sort of went on for the entire length of our relationship... let's see... 10 years?

Well, this kind of pushed me into a state of emotional divorce and I did not care too much to be open and honest with her anymore. Needless to say, I was still able to find some things attractive about her that allowed me to be caring and affectionate. I've always felt good tending to her needs.

When I finally got the courage up to begin confronting her about my unhappiness, she went through her standard threat of getting a divorce. I had, on several occasions, mentioned that I do not feel like I love her anymore. This kind of made her realize that maybe she better start changing her behavior. She's been doing quite well these past couple months. But I am still afraid to confront her about everything. I am still not at a point where I feel that I love her. Now here's the catch.

About a year ago, I began talking to the wife of one of my friends casually online using IM. I always found her quite attractive and apparently she found me quite appealing as well. To make a long story short, we both fell for each other, but we both agreed that we can't take our relationship anywhere given our situation. She does not want to cut off communication with me since she's found in me someone she can confide everything. I know that I have to stop talking to her because it's not right that I can confide in her more than I can my own wife. But when I do share things with my wife, I get blasted.

I still have my good friend Tsar that I can talk to about everything. There isn't anything I wouldn't tell him and his years of experience and advice offer me some guidance. Now that I've finally started seeing a counselor (only 2 sessions so far), I haven't been able to let go of my feelings of resentment for my wife. I'm afraid of what will happen with us. I don't trust her to follow through and see that my needs are met. I want to feel safe. The baby on the way has compelled me to find a way to work things out. My wife refuses to see a counselor, although I hope her feelings on that may change when she sees how much I'm struggling on my own. I sort of resent the fact that she doesn't see it now. When I went to my first session, she started to ask if she could go with me, but I asked her if it was alright if I just go by myself since I was the one who finally made the effort to help myself and not her. I think it's best that I go by myself for now so I can spend time with the counselor alone. Right now I feel like I'm broken and there's no way to fix things. I feel like all that we can do is adapt to the changes and hopefully find a way to work things out.

I guess I'm not really looking for advice here. I'm more interested in sharing things. But I am certainly welcome to hear opinions or questions.

[Duderanomi]

I admire your devotion. I think most people would just give up, but you seem quite upstanding and resolved to make things work.

 

I hope if something like this ever happens to me, I react the same way. I think it's a great idea that you went to see a counselor by yourself first, maybe your wife should think about doing the same. When thigns get better, then the both of you could do it together.

 

I also agree about staying away from your friend's wife. The grass isn't greener on the other side, and you definitely don't want to ruin your friendship, their marriage, your marriage, and possibly the unborn child's life.

 

Anyhow, kudos man, keep it up!

[Dezeard]

You have to realize that sooner or later you're going to have to be honest with her. You can't live your life unhappy forever when you know you could be happy with someone else. However, you don't want to abandon your future child.

[Heathcliff]

I'll tell you this much. I would not be leaving her to be happy with someone else. If I am so lucky to find someone again, then so be it. But I don't think it's fair to either of us to be in a marriage that is as unhappy as ours is. Right now my only concern is our child and making sure we are prepared to do what is right for our family. I will forever be connected to my wife through our child. I can be very compromising. But I think I've compromised my happiness for too long and I'm hoping that I can find that happiness again with my wife.

[single30]

That says a lot.

You didnt' ask for advice, but I have a couple of things to say.

1) I'm a 30 year old female, getting a divorce... things weren't going well with my husband, I confided in a really good friend, it eventually did lead to something and now my marriage is over.

2) You should not be talking to this woman. You should be talking to your wife, no matter how she reacts and the two of you should be in counseling together so that someone can help you talk. My husband and I did it too late.

3) I felt such resentment toward my husband, wasn't attracted to him as a person anymore, wasn't sure I loved him.

Guess what?

I do.

I miss him.

I have regrets.

Not saying that this is how you will feel, but feelings do pass, things to change and things could get better. The two of you need to give it your all, decide on what you want and go on from there.

 

Just do the right thing, get in couseling, and stop talking to this woman... the last thing you need is a fantasy in your head. Takes two to tango and i'm sure there are things about you that have caused some troubles in the marriage too. Perhpas there is a reason she is getting so deffensive...and I'm sorry, but if you are old enough to have sex, then you are old enough to know what the consequences are and what could result.

Good luck to you and congrats on your new child to be.

[RayKay]

I am happy to hear you want to make things work, but I am concerned that she does not seem to see a need for counselling on her end - ESPECIALLY as there is a child coming. Children coming into an unhappy situation can just add more stress to the relationship, and it is unfair to everyone involved.

 

I hope it all works out for you though, and she also wants things to work.

 

I am curious though, how did she "manipulate" you into getting her pregnant?

[Heathcliff]

OK.. so you want to know the circumstances under which I feel I was manipulated. When she became pregnant the first time, I was very excited and willing to go forth having a baby. Unfortunately, it ended with a miscarriage and we both struggled with the loss. Instead of my wife being understanding about my suffering, she began pushing me to have sex to have another baby. I was much too upset to begin trying again, yet she continued to push me and resorted to crying, yelling, calling me names, threatening me... you get the gist of it? I felt so guilty keeping her from getting what she really wanted that I overlooked what was happening and gave in.

[RayKay]

Hmmm, from her side, maybe getting pregnant again was her way of dealing with the loss - while I know a miscarriage can be hard on the guy as well, it is even harder for the woman - even though most are for medical reasons (genetic, etc) women will often blame themselves and their actions. Trying to replace what she lost, may have been her way to absolve her pain, give confirmation again she is a woman, it was not her fault and so on, or even to forget about the first miscarriage entirely.

 

We women, even while pregnant very early on, get develop a strong emotional bond to the fetus, it can be a very overwhelming experience to carry a child, know that there is a life in you that is so dependent, and attached to you. Even those women who have abortions often have these feelings. It just may have been her way of dealing with the loss, not a desire to manipulate.

[hurtabandoned]

Dealing with the loss of a child is difficult especially so for the woman(I suffered a miscarriage). A strong bond can develop between a mother and the unborn child. Your wifes actions were not a manipulation, she was just trying to cope. Something very dear was ripped away from her.

 

After my miscarriage it took me a little over a year to get pregnant again. Until I became pregnant, I was in a state of constant mourning. There was something missing in my life, I felt so empty. I would look around and could see other mothers with their children and it hurt so bad. Hearing a baby cry was the worst. I could see reminders of what I didn't have everywhere.

 

There was a need in me to become pregnant again. That's how I felt and it was the best thing for me. My husband was very willing to begin trying as soon as the doctor said it was okay. I don't know how I would have reacted if my husband had said he wanted to wait. I was hurting so badly that I don't think that I could have handled it. Having another child was the only way that I could stop the hurt.

 

Don't be resentful. She couldn't see any other way.

[Heathcliff]

I was totally sympathetic to her. I went ahead and put my grief on the back-burner so I could tend to her. She said she wanted a dog, so we got her a dog to help. I just don't know how you can excuse her behavior so easily. I understand why she was upset and she's agreed that she reacted poorly. She now realizes how she pressured me and is very sorry for it all. My problem now is that I'm no longer the loving husband that I once was. I was let down when I needed some support. And it's not the first time.

[hurtabandoned]

I just don't know how you can excuse her behavior so easily.

I've been there. It's not excusing her behavior it's an explanation of it from the eyes of someone who has felt the pain that she has. You can't blame her for not being able to support you during that time. She was probably finding it near impossible to keep herself together. Sometimes it's hard for people to see past their own pain.

 

I would say that you need to do whatever it takes to get past this. The baby is on the way now. Continue to go to therapy even if she doesn't want to go yet. Indeed, she may change her mind.

 

A baby can be a very powerful thing. He/She can bring the two of you closer if you let it.

[Carthiana]

You getting some therapy=Excellent! I'm not saying you need it, but I can only pray it is attending to your needs, and helping you better yourself in other ways.

 

Her not getting therapy=probably not good. You can't make her go, and it will only be successful if she goes on her own for her own reasons, not pressured into it or doing it 'in the name of someone else'. It can't hurt, and it can only help. Even couples counseling would be beneficial if you both choose to save this and keep this relationship alive. Either way, if you don't decide that, counseling is still good, to help you get though it, address your concerns, needs, fears and make it though stronger.

 

Sometimes it takes getting over fear, the worst type even tho on the outside it seems so easy to do, will help you make weaknesses into non existant issues. Head up!

[storm]

dear heathcliff

do you know what i got most from your posts , the fact that you didnt love her and that you werent happy. how you got there i think can sometimes be irrelative , because you cannot change it.

 

everyone deserves the right to be happy.

[Heathcliff]

I definitely feel like a coward when it comes to expressing myself to my wife. It's been a bad habit during out entire relationship. I kind of have to disagree with you ~storm~. How we got to this point is relevant to discovering and overcoming these bad habits. It's true that it sounds as if i may not love her. Maybe I am just going through the motions. My wife has never liked me to 'rock the boat'. I guess she's never had any issues with me and my behavior. At least, not until now. I feel like there are many things I cannot change. It doesn't mean that it's not possible. Feeling hopeless seems normal at this point. I'm not quite prepared to give up on things yet. I was in love with my wife at some point. Then again, my self-esteem was pretty low. She was my first long-term relationship and I can't say I knew much else. As far as I know, this is normal. I'm not looking for something better with someone else. I'm looking for something better with my wife. I just don't know how selfish I'm allowed to be. I don't feel much of a connection with my wife and I'm trying to work on it. I am still very afraid of being completely honest with her. I do find a way to get past my fear and tell her, but it's not without it's consequences. I know it hurts her to hear what I say, but she's willing to move on without me since she thinks it's already hopeless. She maybe right or wrong, but I'm not going to give up without exhausting every option of getting some help. The baby on the way certainly makes me want to try harder. I've never felt as if I had a partner. It's always felt as if I was working to satisfy an authority figure.

[hurtabandoned]

Your determination to try to work this out with your wife gives me the impression that on some level there is some love there.

 

When you talk to her about her feelings it may help alot if you try not to dwell too much on the negative. That would only reinforce her feelings that things are hopeless. If she feels that all you are doing is being critical of her that's not going to be good. She would likely become defensive.

 

There are ways of expressing your feelings in a way that is not overly hurtful to hear. Being completely, bluntly honest would not help your efforts to work this out.

 

Oh, and make sure that when you choose to have this discussion that it's at a time when she is rested and feeling well.

 

But also keep in mind that you can't change people. As much as you would like to work on her faults and issues, she is really the only one that can do that. Start with yourself. You may find that when you deal with her on a different level that you get a different response.

[storm]

sorry i got the wrong impression about your love for her , i apologise

 

i am interested in what you said about a authority figure ...

 

how has that authority relationship effected the choices you are making now ?

[Heathcliff]

Sorry about not getting back to you sooner ~storm~.

Well, in regards to the authority figure remark, it is as if she's got some sort of power over me. It's not an equitable relationship. I hope that makes sense.

Anyway, I have an update. My wife finally decided to seek counseling when I told her that I was going to leave her. I think she's serious about making things better for the two of us. It felt good to know she wants to make an effort.

[storm]

good luck heath x