Advice please, ending a long term relationship.

[sezza23]

Hi all,

 

I've been with my boyfriend for over 5 years now and in the past year I have felt myself drifting further away from him. We got together when we were still at high school and have never had another serious relationship other than with each other. We lost our virginity to each other and have bascially grown up together.

 

Due to us both being at different colleges we had to have a long distance relationship last year. This was very difficult at forst although I was surprised at how quickly I adjusted to being on my own. And after a while it felt as if I was single again, but with the added bonus of knowing that I had someone to turn to who loved me. Towards the end of our time apart, things went down hill, we weren't speaking very much and it generally wasn't good conversation when we did. This culmintated in us breaking up for a bit. It was a mostly mutual decision, but was his decision for the most past. I agreed that things werem't going well between us, but didn't have the courage (nor was I sure I wanted a break) to break up. But I went along with what he said. We broke up for a fornight, and in that time had very regular contact. I really really missed him, and felt awful, and we got back together.

 

This was what I wanted, but since then I've begun to realised that maybe we should have taken more time to really think about what we wanted. Cause now I'm starting to feel like I need to be apart from him. I have never had another boyfriend and feel like if I stay with him forever I'm going to end up resenting him and the relationship because I've not had a chance to fully experience life.

 

In addition to this I have been behaving really badly. I have always enjoyed flirting, but have now cheated on my boyfriend. More than once and recently have become very emotionally involved with another man. This man is a friend of mine, who I knew like me and I have become drawn to him. I have now committed the ultimate sin and have slept with him.

 

I really do love my boyfriend- and I know people will say I don't because of what I've don but I do. He is so important to me, and is a huge part of my life and soul. I am really scared of losing him forever, but know that I have to break up with him.

 

How do I do this without hurting him too much? We share the same friends and so we would have to see each other alot. And although I do not think he will ever find out about me sleeping with this other guy, I feel like I could become involved with him and don't want to hurt my boyfriend more by him finding out that I've moved on so quickly.

 

Your opinions and ideas and help are really needed. I just need someoneto help me through this hard time, who can give me an objective view on it.

 

Cheers. S

XoX

[evepm]

Dear sezza23:

 

Your feelings are normal. You have grown up with your b/f and have not had a chance to experience adult life on your own. I believe everyone needs this. Getting tied down to young will only make you resent what you feel you've missed out on.

 

Unfortunately, there is no way to avoid hurting your b/f. Breaking it off is going to hurt him. But, you can explain to him that you feel as though you need time too experience life on your own. Be as gentle and clear as possible when you talk to him. Let him know that you still love him but that its time for you to go it alone. He may need this too and just not realize it. Also, if you two are meant to be together, you will find you way back to each other when the time is right.

 

Since you share the same group of friends, make sure that you don't flaunt anyone new in his face. You are entitled to move on at whatever pace you choose, just be kind about his feelings as best as you can.

 

Take care,

evepm

[_Ramirez_]

There is no easy way out of your situation I'm afraid. I won't judge you for sleeping around and I do believe you love your boyfriend but the fact that you cheated on him is just a pointer that your relationship with him is over of will be very soon.

 

Break up with him as soon as possible, in fact maybe he don't have the courage to do it himself and he might feel the same way about you. Loving you and not wanting to hurt you but not being happy with the relationship. Try to stay friends if that can help you, but that rarely ever work since he will get all sort of mixed feelings when he'll see you around with your new boyfriend as you will have some feelings too when you'll see him go out with his new girlfriend. You might lose some common friends over this too, break ups are never easy.

 

Don't tell him about you cheating, it will hurt him more than if you keep it to yourself. Live with the guilt and don't confess it. Try not to be all over your other friend too fast too, that will only make him feel worthless. You might want to keep it low for a while, trying to keep contact to a minimum.

 

You need to find the courage to leave him. Going back together in the first place might not have been the right thing to do. Yes it will hurt but you'll feel way better after it.

[phil1981UK]

Sorry but i have to disagree with most of the advice given here so far.

 

Yes you need to break up with him, its clearly over, however DO NOT tell him you still love him, this will only confuse him more, make it clear all the feelings have gone and you no longer love him, if you give him a hint of hope he may cling to it and not be able to move on and this is not fair to him (and he needs to treated fairly dont you think), even if you do love him, you must tell him you dont.

 

Secondly, I would tell him about this other guy (including that you have been sleeping with him), this will reinforce the fact it is over between you and he will be able to move on quicker and it may be easier for him to accept you have finished if he can maybe hate (wrong word but you know what i mean) you a little.

 

Yes this all may make you sound like a bit of a biatch but I believe you should be thinking of making it as easy as possible for him to accept now you have made your disicion (and acted on it!), if you have any love for him this is the right thing to do. If you dont like him and want him to suffer, follow the other advice given here.

 

Hope this makes sense

 

Good luck (and to him, he will need it!)

[_Ramirez_]

Well if ever you tell him about your little affair you might face more hurt that if you keep it to yourself.

 

Since you have common friends, they might turn their back on you because of this story and seeing each other after that will be out of the question. Not only you will lose your boyfriend as a friend but many friends too and it will make it a lot more harder and lonely for you. He will be hurt, he'll feel betrayed and you will have the bad role in the story. No more communication with him whatsoever, he will hate you for that. All truth are not good to be told believe me when I say that. Sometimes ignore is truly a bliss. If you need to end this relationship try to minimize the casualties.

 

Yes you need to make it clear that this time its over between you two, that its not a break but a break up and that there's no hope of getting back together in the future. To put yourself in a position where you will lose your relationship and your friends at the same for some guilt feeling is not worth it and it would be an error.

[sezza23]

Thankyou for everyone's advise. I split up with my boyfriend a few days ago. We had a long talk and I explained how I felt and we have decided that it will be best for us to be apart for now. He was feeling problems with the relationship to so it is best for everyone this way.

 

Much Love,

 

Sez x