Ex is single, got in touch - Where to go next?

[NG85]

My ex and I were together for 2 years, then broke up about 7-8 months ago. About 2 weeks after breaking up with me she began dating a new guy who lived accross the country. About a month or 2 ago she told me she was moving accross the country, probably to be with him, and that she needed my address to mail me back some stuff of mine she had. I had been NC for about a month, and texted her my address back. My stuff never showed up.

 

A few weeks ago I get a text from her urgently saying she was planning on being in my city, and wanted to meet up (We live a few hours apart). I said sure, and asked when she'd be in the city. She responds "I don't know, when are you free?" Something was up. She wanted to meet either that week or the week after. I broke my rule of not looking at her Facebook to see if she had even moved. Turns out she didn't, and even better, she had recently changed her status to single!

 

We texted back and forth about meeting up, and I told her to get in touch when she finds out when she'll be able to take off work. I told her I wouldn't be free for a few weeks, just to make sure she wasn't trying to rebound (If she did indeed want to reconcile, I would want to be more than just a rebound - I mean, why would she text me about meeting up just a day after breaking up with her boyfriend?).

 

The thing is I haven't heard from her since that last exchange a few weeks ago. I haven't thought much of it and I've been really busy and focusing on work, but spring is in the air and it's bringing back memories of myself and her from last spring and summer, and how fun it was.

 

So my question is, would it be safe for me to break LC and text her asking what's up with the visit?

 

I decided to go LC and only be in touch when she contacts, but I'll be busy the next month or so and want to see what's up and if she even wants to visit still. I'm really on the fence about reconciliation, and I'd preferably like to see her in person before even seriously considering it again. I've done a lot of improvements on myself, both mentally and physically, and I really wonder if she's been able to improve herself at all, what with her jumping into a new relationship so suddenly after ours ended. In any case, I do think it's best for her to be single for a few months before jumping into anything. One can't work on themselves if they're not single for an extended period of time.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

It is very possible she reconciled with this guy and that is why you are not hearing from her. She actually sounds very wishy washy and unreliable. I would leave it alone because I think you will get very hurt putting yourself out on a limb for her.

[NG85]

It is very possible she reconciled with this guy and that is why you are not hearing from her. She actually sounds very wishy washy and unreliable. I would leave it alone because I think you will get very hurt putting yourself out on a limb for her.

 

It is possible she reconciled, but according to FB she's still single. I sort of knew her new relationship was doomed to fail - They lived 3,000 miles apart and are both poor college students. They also seemed to be moving WAY too fast, according to the times I spoke with her (Talking about moving in with one another a week after dating, talking about him like he was the Second Coming). I also have the feeling that their breakup was pretty bad. When she and I broke up it was mutual and not very messy, and she still kept photos of us online on FB and tried to get in touch all the time. Now when she broke up with her new guy, she immediately deleted all evidence of their relationship from FB, including photos, wall posts, etc.

 

She's a sweet girl, but we decided it was time to break things off because the distance was a pain, among other things. I, personally, felt very smothered and needed space. I do wonder if maybe this time apart could have fixed things. She seemed very enthusiastic about seeing me in her texts - A few months before she had said she hated everything about my city. Then when she texted me about visiting, she said she missed my city so much and couldn't wait to go back.

 

It does sound wishy washy, but the internet can only do so much. I feel like I have to meet her in person to see if she's changed at all, or if she's still at the same place mentally and emotionally, which can only lead to failure.

[Tanzi]

It sounds as though she had a moment of weakness after splitting with her bf and is now having second thoughts.

 

You are going to have to be very careful here as It sounds as though she is hurting ... due to her facebook reaction ... and she may be looking for ways to ease that pain and to fill the void that her bf has left. Already you are talking of a possible reconcilliation. You are feeding yourself hope and could end up bitterly disappointed.

 

If I were you I would take the fact that she hasn't contacted you since as a signal that she has reconsidered meeting up, or is at least not in any particular hurry to do so, and leave her be. It is likely that her emotions are all over the place and I don't think you will be doing yourself any favours by getting involved.

[NG85]

It sounds as though she had a moment of weakness after splitting with her bf and is now having second thoughts.

 

You are going to have to be very careful here as It sounds as though she is hurting ... due to her facebook reaction ... and she may be looking for ways to ease that pain and to fill the void that her bf has left. Already you are talking of a possible reconcilliation. You are feeding yourself hope and could end up bitterly disappointed.

 

If I were you I would take the fact that she hasn't contacted you since as a signal that she has reconsidered meeting up, or is at least not in any particular hurry to do so, and leave her be. It is likely that her emotions are all over the place and I don't think you will be doing yourself any favours by getting involved.

 

Yeah, those are some valid points. I guess I'll just play it by ear - She did say she had a lot of stuff going on, sounds like something bad might have happened to her recently. I've asked her a few times about getting my stuff back the past few months, but it's always "I'll get it to you next time I visit you." If she does want to meet up, then it has to be in my city - It might be a good sign if she's willing to travel the 4-5 hours to get to me. I, on the other hand, won't go visit her in her city. The ball's in her court, it's up to her now.

[Tanzi]

Yes wait and see if she contacts you and take it from there. However, bearing in mind how she could be feeling, I don't think you should read too much into the reasons why she is travelling 4 or so hours to see you as it may not be for the same reason you are assuming. Be cautious.

[learning2relax]

Be careful with your heart. While she is/was a sweet girl, remember......she turned you away and she sought a relationship with someone else that she made sure to tell you she was changing her life for. It is possible that he broke up with her - as a scenario - play this out......how would she be feeling about that? Like you did when you lost having her in your life - rejected, sad, etc... I believe that we are so desperate to reconcile with the person who let us go because it is a quick fix to not feeling the unbearable pain of rejection. As we have learned from many here, quite often (although not always) a quick reconciliation doesn't solve for what tore us apart in the first place......those feelings still lay lurking in waiting. I have had this experience myself having reconciled a short 6 weeks (at the time it felt like 6 years) after our initial parting of ways.

 

Possible things to take away from this exchange......she thought of you to reach out. She may have wanted to jump from him back to you to ease or relieve the pain she is in. You know she still thinks of you.

 

If this happens to be the case and this happens to be what she is doing (as we really don't have enough information to know for sure) than I would say wait it out. And even if she does indicate that she does want to reconcile her relationship with you, do your best not to jump in to it without giving her time to heal and just being there for her as she moves through the stages of grief. If she does and you provide her support (within reason and with boundaries) than if the two of you (not just her and not just you) want to give it another go, your approach and care for yourself might give the 2nd (new) relationship the best odds at success.

[Luckyy]

I agree with learning2relax. While it seems she did reach out to you, it doesn't seem like a strong attempt to get back together.

 

To add my own advice I wouldn't read to much into facebook status's, I know people who are dating someone and leave their status as single.

[Slimpee]

I would be very cautious. Also, and i don't mean for this to sound overly harsh, but it sounds like you maybe need to grow a little backbone. I mean, you kept talking to her after she broke up w/ you AND about her new bf?!? And then they break up, she comes back, and you're going to let her just like that?

 

In my opinion she's playing you. Keep up NC unless she makes a concerted effort to get in touch with you.

 

In the meantime, be open to someone who won't think of you as second-best!

[Success]

Her actions are fishy so I'd go NC on her again. It also seems very selfish on her part which shows she has not changed. Remember, when she dumped you before and immediately starting seeing someone new, that is all selfish. She reached out to you because you're convenient and it's always easier to seek comfort in an ex than find a new person. You're already getting your hopes up and need to protect yourself by ignoring her.

[NG85]

Thanks for some more good advice! I do think I looked too deeply into it. The fact that our break up was pretty clean and that she kept trying to reach out to me while she was still with this guy made me think that maybe there was a chance for reconciliation. I've done a ton of work on myself since the breakup, and I'll continue to do that. If she doesn't want to work on herself then that's her prerogative, but I definitely agree that it could lead to a lot more problems down the road if she doesn't improve herself mentally and emotionally. If, in the event a reconciliation were to happen, I'd ask her to wait a month or 2 to be single and really think it out, and I'd do the same. While a part of me wants to be with her, another part of me doesn't want to because we could easily fall into the same relationship with the same problems.

[NG85]

I would be very cautious. Also, and i don't mean for this to sound overly harsh, but it sounds like you maybe need to grow a little backbone. I mean, you kept talking to her after she broke up w/ you AND about her new bf?!? And then they break up, she comes back, and you're going to let her just like that?

 

In my opinion she's playing you. Keep up NC unless she makes a concerted effort to get in touch with you.

 

In the meantime, be open to someone who won't think of you as second-best!

 

Hey Slimpee, yeah, I was a dope in the beginning of the break up. I kept speaking to her, which I believe helped her ease into her new relationship. Then I did LC instead of NC, so I'd only talk to her if she talked to me. I went on one of those "Magic of Making Up" kind of sites that was free, and they recommended doing this, as well as being able to talk about your ex's new partner with them because it gives you poise or something.

 

However, here's the turning point. A little while ago I discovered ENA and participated in the 30-day NC challenge and made it something like 40 days. This was the first time I deliberately ignored her texts and phone calls. The first few times didn't seem to bug her, but one week I ignored a text, then a phone call, then an email, and as such she was contacting me every day that week. I still kept NC, and what do you know, a week later she broke up with her boyfriend. Maybe it was coincidental, but I'm wondering if me doing a disappearing act had anything to do with them breaking up - After all, I had been her emotional tampon for a while, and her new relationship had, from what I could tell, all the signs of a rebound.

 

I broke NC when she brought up visiting me. I decided to go LC at this point, but haven't heard from her since. Even when I was LC, she wouldn't go more than a few weeks without contacting me, so I'm guessing I'll probably be hearing from her soon.